an airy brain

there comes a time when I often realise what a fool I've become. and I end up laughing at myself as my face blushes with shame, being bashful for my own stupidity, idiotic actions. I'd go and say, "thats stupid la abby, dang!"

then I took a deep breath, smile, told myself "ala, lantak la."

so,

does this mean that I have multiple personality? heh. if thats the case, I should have segregate my blogs to fit my different personalities. instead of just having a doppelganger, I successfully created the entire hollywood database only with my several personalities. hahaha. the drama queen. the eccentric and opinionated teen. the bimbo heir. the grunge indie lover. the motherly humanitarian. the rockstar groupie. owh no, I wont add in anna nicole smith or liza mineli in my list, no thanks. hah.

with this several side of me, I often end up explaining myself, explaining my actions, and people get confused, on why should I bother to explain.

its like when a child behaves weirdly, the mother will explain to the guest "dia ni memang macam ni perangai dia, sebab masa kecik dulu, pernah terlepas jatuh daripada buai". heh. thats how I am. I will explain my actions becos sometimes, one of two personalities went out of control and the dominant one have to explain the actions of the rebel. yes, they've made a movie out of the syndrome. Identity with John Cusack in it. Hah. and no, I didn't tiru itu movie just to make the post interesting. This just honestly how I feel. but, then again, can honesty be measured in a virtual web connected by binary codes performing as data, transferred by cabels that gets interrupted easily by natural disasters? Can you see or feel if I'm honest or not?

yesterday I left the office quite early, at 7pm. I got to bid the sun farewell, and as I glanced at my rear mirror, she sort of wave back to me. Hah. Its been awhile since I left the office while the sun is still shining.

No, I'm not workaholic.

I just have nothing to look forward to go back to.

My friends are all away busy. My parents are worried, but recently I have done nothing good to please them I guess. My room is a mess. The house is in a mess. Lots of boxes still left unpacked and I so dont have the mood to do it. Maybe becos actually, I'm ashamed of myself for being utterly tired from the one hour traveling to and fro work, that I could not lend my help to the family.

I have no interest in watching the TV. Yes, this coming from a former tv freak who watch everything, even those korean soap dramas, and believe it or not, sometimes that Macam Macam Aznil and AC di sini show. Hahahaha.

my phone line haven't been activated. Bad thing, cos I need internet connection at home. Good thing, I won't bergayut at the phone or thinking to dial the numbers of those I miss.

I haven't been calling my friends much. I used to call everyone. I love keeping in touch. Just saying hi even though they're busy. Just to let them know that I'm thinking of them. And thheir presence in the world matters. But since, the love vibe has not successfully or fully reciprocated, I have erased that good spirit of keeping in touch with friends from my heart. whats the point? I only call those who calls. I've become one of them.

Its funny to see yourself, the person you've become, and you want to reach out and tell her, she's changed, but you can't, becos you've been part of what contributed to that change. you didn't say no when she wanted to change. you didn't warned her when she was swept away with the changes. point one finger to her, and the rest of the four fingers points back at you.

10 minutes to 5.30pm. thats when the office hours end. but I rarely go back at 5.30pm. thats when I start doing my work. I go back at 8pm. and usually, I'll be the last girl in the building, the remaining will be another male colleague and the security guards.

my life have no point elsewhere aside from the office. I see bright and clear in my career path, but nothing in love and other parts of it.

what does it feels like to want and go home to something?

Don't get me wrong, I do go home back to my family, yes. I cherish them so much, of course. I'll be sad to leave the house without kisses from my parents (like this morning, cudn't find my dad to get goodbye kisses from him becos I was late - 6.30am, yes, thats late in my clock). I love the conversations I have with Muid and our mamak sessions and going to shopping malls with him (he's a shopaholic, and no, I'm not). I like Afis saying its okay if I want to sleep with him on his bed and doesn't mind me hugging him all night long. I like weekends when my sister comes home and she calls me "abby rabbies" and starts messing with my hair. I like when my younger sister fiqah updates me on the latest music news.

but aside from that. there's nothing else. and in that part, I felt empty.

.