the desire

I recently told a friend, I need to start traveling, by the time I reach 30 years old, I should cover Asia.

Having my passport done recently, landing on a decent job, maybe not so much well-paid off but enough to survive and be merry and also, committing to a fair share of debts, made me realise that I am grown up. I'm an adult. Whatever I do now, is merely my own responsibilities. Bad or good. Right or wrong. On my own expenses, my own debts, my own judgements. Though I do always consider second opinions from friends and families, but, it dawned to me that now, I am, if not fully, at least 3 quarter, control of my life.

Some friends were taken by surprise with some new changes I have had. Developing new lifestyle and habit not to be mention here, but what I can say, its not that I didn't want to indulge in them earlier as everyone else did, but it felt more comfortable (should I even use that word?) doing it with my own money. At least I don't look back regretting the fact that I've indulged in bad things using my parents' money and whatnot.

And now, it comes to traveling. I really need to travel. When I was 12, I read a malay novel about a girl who just picked up her bags, hopped on a bus and went to a resort where she has no friends, no family whatsoever, but found work and love there. And at that time, I knew I wanted to be like her. Then again, thats all bullshit talking becos its truly fiction and you dont easily find work and love like that. Hahahaha.

But the idea to get away, to escape, just for a moment, was what got into me. And that got translated into traveling.

I know this is just writing per se, who knows, it might be 'hangat-hangat tahi ayam'. But, let me dream, desire and plan. God will decide the rest.

I'm looking forward to my first trip. Singapore. Let it be the nearest one first. Bak kata Muid, buat warm-up dulu. I got a few contacts there, and they wouldn't mind working out for leave if I were to go there and host me around. That should be cool. I don't even want to sleep. I want to walk everywhere. Yes, I'm that bagpacker, budget traveler type. I'm game. Hahaha, living in hostel for nearly 8 years and a total of 10 years away from family throughout high school and university, I know my shit on being independent. Though right now I am staying with my folks, I'm giving in all those lost years they've sent me away (tak jauh pun, tapi, I'm the only child among my 5 siblings sent to boarding school at an early age, thats should be considered!). But since I'm giving it all, staying in Selayang and torturing myself to commute to work in Putrajaya, I should be given the outlet as per traveling, right? (well, I think I do deserve it).

So, this year, the plan should be Singapore, then Angkor Watt (if Muid agrees) or maybe somewhere with a beach at least.

------

This coming Monday, for the second time, I'll be emcee'ing an event at the Foundation. But .... this time, a bigger event, with one of the world's greatest leader. Woah, such a recognition, but not one, not two, but a country of dragonflies are breeding in my (flat) tummy. hehehe.

Its good to be given such trust by boss, but ..... my biggest weakness is INSECURITY of my own abilities. Thats when I'll constantly question myself again and again if I'm worthy the recognition, the trust.

The first event was a small ceremony with not so many people, though it was formal with few great academicians, I skipped a few lines, stumbled a few words and was quite 'kalut' (obviously visible, my 'kalut'ness). Though boss said I did well, I know I could've done better if I was calmer. But that was my first time. Warm up.

Can you warm up just once in a swimming pool then simply jump into the great big ocean?

At this time, I seriously need lots of HUGS!!! Any GIVERS???

.