a very weak entry

I have this thing in me. That I hate at times. Becos, I don't know how honest, sincere and truthful I am, even when I am.

I have the ability to write good things about my friends. Sometimes, it seems as if I worship them. But, can you blame a loner when God blessed her with such nice warm strangers who wanted to shower her with attention, affection and love? How can I not be grateful with all the nice words in the whole wide world for them.

But a friend told me. That she, or they, are actually blessed to have the opportunity of being my friends. If I admit to that, wouldn't I appear arrogant? Thinking I'm the best friend anyone could have?

No, I am indeed not. I question myself my worth.

Yesterday, I was questioned, not by myself, but by my mom. And its harder. Knowing that not only you question yourself, but this person, who have carried you in her for 9 months, who milked you, who raised you, who tended to you when you had all your sickness and whatnot, questioned you, the worthiness of all the efforts. Your work. Your friendship. and Your Life.

She has the right.

But ... I was too tired to dwell on it last night, that I slept on the problem.

If what served me right is to be a loner, maybe thats it. A communications practitioner to a loner.

I remember when I was younger. Yes, a happy adorable little girl who's curious on just about every single thing on earth. I used to be very very charming and bright and was getting attention all around, not because I'm pretty, but because I'm witty. Since I was young. I would gaily laugh, charmingly tease and adorably cling to everyone who is older than me. Then, my parents started moving around and I started making friends and it was so hard that I decided to be quiet, to not mix and mingle in fear of losing the friends I love. I turned to be the lone ranger. Until in a PTA meeting, my teacher asked my mother why I was very quiet in class and my mom burst out in laughter, "dia ni cikgu, kat rumah, tak berhenti cakap, kalau gelak tu, nak terkeluar semua gigi".

Now that I'm out in the world. To once again, gaily laugh with friends, to charmingly tease them and adorably clinging to those who cared enough, I was questioned why would I need all that when I can survive, and had survived all these while being the lone ranger, the loner.

If I were selfish, I would not join an NGO.

If I were selfish, I would not share and reach out through my blog.

I'm a selfless person and people question that. It seems that all the effort I had made to prove myself that I am selfless, have failed to no avail.

Thats my biggest weakness. The inability to prove my worthiness. And I don't have the confidence to admit that I am even close to be worthy. Of it all.

Having said all these, I know it might put me in a judgemental microscope on how low self-esteem I had.

I see this weakness as not a result to low self-esteem.

I see this weakness as an anchor that pulls me back on earth, to constantly remind me that there are a lot of space that I need to improve, that there are a lot of things I need to give to the world and I'm not there yet.

Its a positive weakness. Its just tiring thinking of the same questions all over again. And a bit saddening to be lectured by my mom for an hour on something I am trying hard to justify in my own life.

I tried by every means that I can to learn on how to see God in everything in my life. I respect and love my family with all my heart. I adore and love my friends so much. I try to share and reach out for people in my blog. I work hard to stay in this foundation and to make history breathes without fail.

if being selfless is a weakness. then I am the weakest person I know.

if you think by reading this makes you feel weak. I'll apologise and will not advise you to come here again.