kau lukis hati ku, hati mu jadi satu.

I’ve made a decision and I didn’t execute it well. Maybe becos deep down inside, I hesitate myself in making such decision. Becos I still care. Becos I still feel. And mostly becos I still love.

I went back to where I was, but from a slightly different space. I said I wanted space and I’m giving space. But it didn’t occur to me the space mentioned was refraining myself from the most comforting hug I’d crave since the day I started loving. I hesitate to hug. I hesitate to kiss. I was afraid. I was so afraid.

Sometimes, you thought the fear of someone hating you is the scariest thing that would happen, especially for someone, a people pleaser like you.

What you’re actually afraid of is the thought that someone no longer loves you.

Lately, I found comfort in writing in my notebooks. Going back to the basics, papers and pens.

But this is one poem that I wrote in my notebook that I felt strongly to share here.

I miss you
And nothing can stop this.
I love you
Even my confusion of the matter can’t deny this.

I can’t hate you
Not that I wanted to.
I can’t have you
No matter how hard I tried.

The more I push you away
The thought of you comes with every single beat of my heart.
I don’t know what to do.

I’m living this life
Not knowing you love me
Or you miss me
Even if you do
I might die not knowing

But it didn’t matter now
As long as you know this
That I miss you, I really do.
That I love you, more than you know who.

hurm ........ it gets tiring. Refraining from a hug. Just when I needed one so badly. Argh, its tiringly stupid being a hug-a-holic. I felt stupid. I really do.

.