the innocent bystander

a couple of colleagues called me "innocent Nurol", for my blurriness in some of the conversation and my constant innocent and blurred face when some remarks and gestures were made.

I corrected them, that innocent might not be the word, just 'blur' but they went on with 'innocent'.

which made me think, how innocence can simply be misunderstood. how subjective innocence can be.

[ insert Enigma's 'Return to Innocence' in the background ]

I do enjoy being in close proximity to innocence. For some odd reasons, it cleanses your thoughts and your soul. This is specifically subjected to being in the vicinity of a baby, or babies at large. Yes, babies are the purest souls on earth, their innocence speaks to you through their eyes and I am simply mesmerized by their angelic presence.

It has been days since I gotten sick, and my body server was temporarily down. My mind seems to be lacking of everything, understanding, comprehension, sensibility. And my heart appear insensitive towards, well ... everything. Everything I've said or done were, merely, said and done. Heartless and crude. By no means of hurting anyone, causing pain nor making harsh or sarcastic remarks, I ended up, feeling, nothing. Except for the fact that I'm totally weak and on medication 24/7.

so this is me, the innocent bystander. neither here nor there, although physically, I am around. I am reading. I am writing. Presence are there, but absence in terms of spirit. Yes, thats what I've lost. The spirit.

We'll see if the spirit comes back again. For this weekend, I chose to be what I am right now. A NO ONE who just happened to be around.