the pain that comes with the pleasure we seek

now thats a long title. yeah, I could've made it shorter, but heck, it sounds nice as it is.

today, I pulled up my curtains and let the wind come in my room. till night time. to feel the wonderful breeze in my room. even when its raining. it clears some stuff. it clears the air in my room. most of all, it gives me a clearer perspective on a couple of things.

these few days made me realise that I have lots to offer, not only to myself but to others. yesterday, a friend made a sweet gesture by giving me a card. at first, I was a bit confused, by her asking my address and all, but she end up giving the card by hand. I read it as I settled myself after a nice dinner with her and another friend. the words on the card, though came from hallmark, was all I needed to get by. to know that I'm appreciated. yeah, words have big huge impact on me. I keep the card by my pillow, so if I were to wake up in the middle of the night, I can read it again and again. yes, thats how self-absorbed and narcissist I am.

these few nights, I let the write post page on wordpress open, just incase I wanted to write down something, but I can't. lately, due to my over-excessive writings which end up hurting and causing pain to those I cared most, I find it hard to write about anything.

so ... I guess. what I'm trying to say is that, in seeking pleasure, we invite pain. indirect pain that once we tripped over accidently, we hurt not only ourselves but those we love most.

if asked what scares me the most, aside from God (for all the obvious reasons), is 1. hurting those I loved most, 2. dying without being able to tell them I love them.

I've done a lot of unlawful things lately. not only its unlawful in the eyes of God, but some, I don't think my loved ones would agree nor accept it.

as I indulge in all these guilty pleasures, I felt pain inside. the pain of guilt. the pain of knowing what the outcome would be, if, IF, things got out from the closet.

I'll let it be. I'll let it fade away. Its a phase I'm giving in to.

In this pain

I think of YOU

I think of the sorrow I would've felt

knowing YOU

and if I have not known YOU

what does it matter now

though the pleasure we took in

was for a short while

given by the grace of GOD.

In this pain

I think of ME

who would I be

if I've not met YOU

and who I have become

after Loving YOU.

if this PAIN subside

the PLEASURE would surely be over.

I don't want it to end.

Not yet.

I'll bear the PAIN

for the sake of this PLEASURE.

last night, during dinner, the subject of talent was on the table. I told my friend that the only talent that I have is SARCASM. For everything else, I am an amateur. She cut in, saying that I am good in writing. I said No, I'm an amateur writer. But I'm only talented in Sarcasm. A sarcastic bitch that I am, yes, I find pleasure in giving painful remarks.

As night grew colder, as the rain subsided, as the the air clears up those smoky smoky smelly stuff in my room (ehem ehem), I smile.

here's to pain. and here's to pleasure. here's to a broken heart. and here's to a warm comforting smile.