to exist
I wrote previously on hugs. tonight, it wasn't only a hug, it was crying-on-the-shoulder and i-don't-want-to-let-go hug. Being someone who's always in control, I only have a few people to whom I can let myself appear vulnerable to. And that few people have apparently decrease in numbers. Due to growing up and getting older.
Being in the quarter of a century age, its the peak years of speeding up everything you can. Friends are getting married, going for career advancement and taking risk in life. Being someone who's a bit passive, a non go-getter and very much composed, I don't like picturing myself in a competitive environment. Hence, the joining of the NGO world. Where things are done based on passion and self-interest, when stress in work are viewed with a smile and that special twinkle in the eye, where profit makes no existence and monetary seems like a funny relationship problem, something you can live without, but apparently, was thrust to deal with due to peer pressure. Yeah, especially when none of your friends are in the industry, and all of them are either getting married (securing 'security' in life), going for career advancement (securing "stability" in life) and taking risks (securing "in-depth understanding and experience" of/in life).
When you got too many things to do, you tend to think about things that you don't normally think of, and things that are before, not much of your concern.
And when these thoughts start to burden that tiny little rusty brain of yours, and you apparently lost those people whom you used to talk to when you needed someone to listen, what you end up doing is either, something very bad and stupid, or, you starts making weird assumptions or bad decisions.
You are a matured human being who rationalises every single thing beforehand. But you can't help being 24, young and stupid. Still, becos you're SUPPOSED to be matured as you appeared to be, people wouldn't accept the "but you're young" excuse.
earlier in class, I was late and we had a group activity where everyone were seated in a circle and we get to choose people to ask some questions given on our exercise sheet. I came in a bit late, had to figure out what the hell was happening all by myself becos I hate asking people when the activities are ongoing and suddenly, one of my classmates directed the question to me.
"What singular event had made your work in the organisation all worthwhile?"
Catching up on breathing after speedwalking from the parking, I smiled and tried to answer as composed as I can.
"To tell you the truth, I can't pinpoint any particular or singular event becos everything, every event that we organised, that I participated in, have contributed to the modus operandi of my Foundation, have met the goal and objectives of my Foundation and every event was worth it, and all my participation in every single event, were all worthwhile".
Although the guy who asked the question commented jokingly that he still need a single event that I can pinpoint, but, how can I, when every single thing that has happened in my life, not only in work, but in my life, made breathing, crying, head-banging-to-the-wall, all worth it?
I know, I sound so fake. I know people are reading and thinking "yeah right, so-called bloody angel, as if there's nothing you would regret".
Some commented that I talked with that twinkle in my eye, that passion conveyed through my voice, and gestures. I had those good comments when I had my impromptu table-topic toastmaster speech. With my voice all shaking, and my hands shivering, I talked about being a humanitarian while holding back my tears, partly becos I was so scared and nervous, being called in front to give that 3 minutes speech, and partly becos I'm afraid, if I talked too much of this, the fear of not being able to achieve it, scared the hell out of me.
But the funny part is, I can't understand why, this sincere person, this passionate person, this helpful, selfless person that I try hard to be, will always, at some point, lose the people I loved most, lose the trust and faith of the people around me. I kept on thinking, what did I DID NOT do, what I have taken forgranted, what went wrong?
To exist. To search deep within your soul.
To exist. To be that helping hand for others.
To exist. To appreciate and be grateful of your existence.
To exist. To smile. While tears run over your cheeks.
To exist. To live. And. To die.
Being in the quarter of a century age, its the peak years of speeding up everything you can. Friends are getting married, going for career advancement and taking risk in life. Being someone who's a bit passive, a non go-getter and very much composed, I don't like picturing myself in a competitive environment. Hence, the joining of the NGO world. Where things are done based on passion and self-interest, when stress in work are viewed with a smile and that special twinkle in the eye, where profit makes no existence and monetary seems like a funny relationship problem, something you can live without, but apparently, was thrust to deal with due to peer pressure. Yeah, especially when none of your friends are in the industry, and all of them are either getting married (securing 'security' in life), going for career advancement (securing "stability" in life) and taking risks (securing "in-depth understanding and experience" of/in life).
When you got too many things to do, you tend to think about things that you don't normally think of, and things that are before, not much of your concern.
And when these thoughts start to burden that tiny little rusty brain of yours, and you apparently lost those people whom you used to talk to when you needed someone to listen, what you end up doing is either, something very bad and stupid, or, you starts making weird assumptions or bad decisions.
You are a matured human being who rationalises every single thing beforehand. But you can't help being 24, young and stupid. Still, becos you're SUPPOSED to be matured as you appeared to be, people wouldn't accept the "but you're young" excuse.
earlier in class, I was late and we had a group activity where everyone were seated in a circle and we get to choose people to ask some questions given on our exercise sheet. I came in a bit late, had to figure out what the hell was happening all by myself becos I hate asking people when the activities are ongoing and suddenly, one of my classmates directed the question to me.
"What singular event had made your work in the organisation all worthwhile?"
Catching up on breathing after speedwalking from the parking, I smiled and tried to answer as composed as I can.
"To tell you the truth, I can't pinpoint any particular or singular event becos everything, every event that we organised, that I participated in, have contributed to the modus operandi of my Foundation, have met the goal and objectives of my Foundation and every event was worth it, and all my participation in every single event, were all worthwhile".
Although the guy who asked the question commented jokingly that he still need a single event that I can pinpoint, but, how can I, when every single thing that has happened in my life, not only in work, but in my life, made breathing, crying, head-banging-to-the-wall, all worth it?
I know, I sound so fake. I know people are reading and thinking "yeah right, so-called bloody angel, as if there's nothing you would regret".
Some commented that I talked with that twinkle in my eye, that passion conveyed through my voice, and gestures. I had those good comments when I had my impromptu table-topic toastmaster speech. With my voice all shaking, and my hands shivering, I talked about being a humanitarian while holding back my tears, partly becos I was so scared and nervous, being called in front to give that 3 minutes speech, and partly becos I'm afraid, if I talked too much of this, the fear of not being able to achieve it, scared the hell out of me.
But the funny part is, I can't understand why, this sincere person, this passionate person, this helpful, selfless person that I try hard to be, will always, at some point, lose the people I loved most, lose the trust and faith of the people around me. I kept on thinking, what did I DID NOT do, what I have taken forgranted, what went wrong?
To exist. To search deep within your soul.
To exist. To be that helping hand for others.
To exist. To appreciate and be grateful of your existence.
To exist. To smile. While tears run over your cheeks.
To exist. To live. And. To die.
posted by *cosmic freak* @ 5:41 PM
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