The Cosmic Wise and Crappy Words

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

when she holds back her tears

this morning, I switched on my pc and a new mail conversation alert popped up.

I immediately logged in my gmail and read the mail.

and now, I'm just holding back my tears.

it took a person who is millions of miles away to make me smile, feel like I wanted to cry, and look deep inside.

it took a person who is millions of miles away to make me realise something.

in the search of love.

I forgot one thing.

I forgot to love myself.

at first I've decided, if I love myself too much, it'll lead to vanity. and I won't be humble anymore. so I've become selfless. and forgot to love myself.

I realised, there are people who does love me. and if I don't love myself, then I would disappoint the faith of love people have thrusted upon me.

thanks. to you. I really love you too. this morning, after reading your mail, I really in need of a hug and a warm comforting smile. but all I see is the desktop monitor. it is warm and comforting, but its not you. its not Farah. its not Enni. its not you.

On the more larger scale, okay, there's the Thaipusam parade happening where they carry kavadi and stuff. I know I have very very limited knowledge in this. (zewt, isn't deepavali a celebration when the gods won in the battle of good over evil? I didn't know its a new year on the deepavali calendar.) So, it is interesting and pretty amazing to see a whole Indian race, the Hindus in particular, gather, and walk together, regardless social class (I don't think they still practice the caste system here right? anyone please update me on this).

ut on the downside, good god (I mean my god), the terrible congestion is just friggin ridiculous I have to say. I was stucked for an hour on jalan kuching since 6.30am to 7.30am. No, I'm not making a racial comment, its just mere citizenship issues. And to add to it, some Indians who had to work, was also a bit moody on the road, hence a couple of deadly stares was received by yours truly. jeezzz!!!

tomorrow is going to be a more bloody day on the road, I should just stick to where the chinese and malays and other races live probably. well, maybe becos the parades other races have usually done at dataran merdeka only. not the entire jalan ipoh-jalan kuching-batu caves. thats a LONG stretch I tell ya!!!

be careful, wise and smart on the road ya people!



Tuesday, January 30, 2007

when I could not hear what I'm telling myself

Last week I went to get a birthday card for my mom. Apparently I'm the card buyer for the family, for everyone's birthday. And I always have to buy 2 cards, from my dad to mom, and from us to mom. it goes like that for everyone's birthday. 2 cards.

its funny, becos I have this thing against writing or buying for other people to give other people. like I don't really like to write people's speeches. I think, everything you want to convey wont be right reading from a given text. if you're the master of improvising, then that's something else.

anyways, I was buying the card, and I noticed that there's extra 2 shelves in the cards section. One for chinese new year, another for valentine's.

another new year coming around the corner. for a multiracial and multireligion country which its people celebrate basically all celebration regardless, for the sake of holiday and sometime off (from whatever commitment they chose to commit their lives to), apparently we celebrate 3 new years, in a year. The new gregorian calendar (2007), the islamic calendar (1428 Hijrah) and the chinese lunar calendar (Year of the Boar). Having stated that, I would just like to wish everyone a new "boaring" year!!! (now I misses those wild boars rampaging through the garbage at my sungai besi house <- those who've been there would know what I'm talking about) but I would actually like to talk on the other shelf. the valentine cards shelf. so, february will be the month to celebrate love. or for those who's nature are love itself, a higher appreciation towards love, happening next month. february will be the month, for me to be busy, but not in love. last february, 14th February 2006 to be exact, I was mugged. there's nothing much to rewrite about the incident, but knowing that I was single, trying to find some quality time having valentine's dinner with a blogger friend, who asked me out becos she too in need of a valentine's celebration but the boyfriend was busy, had a great time making friends with her friends, only to end the night in such tragedy, was itself, a memorable Valentine for me.

as if being single and unloved wasn't enough. I was mugged and my wrist got scratched by the rusty knife from trying to grab my cards and money. the traumatic incident made me look indons differently now. and my using the public transportation less. and my walking alone on the streets faster.

love. if people associate me with love, it would be so totally irrelevant. I have bluffed about love. I have not felt love. I fooled even myself, that I was in love, when apparently I'm not.

no, you're not in love when you're not loved in return.

and on a particular valentine's day, when people celebrate love, I was mugged. it should prove how far I am from love. its not karma. its not about luck, be it a lady or a gentleman.

I am indeed a person who can play with words, and I can go on bluffing on love. but truth be told, I am the dumbest person when it comes to love.

I might say I know love.

apparently, it was love who didn't recognise me.



this moment

she kept thinking about that Certain person. She saw how that Certain person treated everyone else, and compared it with her.

she realised that she's no one. she has no definition. she is a friend, not more , and probably, even less.

she told herself, its over.

she told herself, its useless.

she told herself, stop thinking about it.

she forgot.

she's deaf.



call me by my real name ... sorrow.

All the love in the world cant be gone
All the need to be loved cant be wrong
- Earth, Wind & Fire -

All the love in the world can be bought
All the need to be loved can be wrong
- Abby Latif -



Monday, January 29, 2007

the one after a long pause

smart people knows when they make mistakes.
stupid people learns from the mistakes they make.

something I thought of while driving. when something burned my thighs as reaching UPM Serdang toll. heh.

firstly, I would like to thank my cousin Fatin for giving me such a sweet comment. to inspire is just overwhelming which I try to not take account in any occasion people calls me inspiring. I am a lost soul whose trying hard doing good in this world. sometimes I fail. and at those times, I know its not worth knowing that I inspire people. becos I'm the least person you'd expect to inspire from if you bump into me on the streets. seriously. I don't appear at anyways nice and soothing to look at, let alone inspire or become anyone's muse. and I have a non-piercing gaze. just a nauseating one.

as I'm stealing some time to write before I bury my face on the excel database which have been a part of my working life now, I'd like to reply some comments here.

muid, work-like-whore-licks, what are you trying to say??? I don't know how whore licks. I know horlicks tho! hehehehe ....

zewt, yes, a modern slave. but as I pledge myself into slavery, submitting to the needs and wants of the higher level, I secretly enjoy and took, I mean takes pleasure of everything. S&M in the working world. definitely.

the weekend of good. Cosmic Cell have been a dear to not sulk and fail or die on me, at least save my budget in some sense. I've gotten some new bedsheets and comforter, so bedtime have been good. Plus, my bed is by the window and as I was lying to sleep last night, I was facing to the moon. how cool is that!!! sleeping with the moon. yes. now I dont sleep alone anymore. had my Cosmic Transporter serviced. changed all the bloody filters which I have to take note next time, on their names, descriptions and functions. I want to get some car sticker done to label my Cosmic Transporter. or maybe I just spray it. any suggestions??? hehehehe....

Went to TMPoint in Taman Maluri. Complaint on the services, since my internet have not been transferred to the new line. Bloody Telekom people. Apparently, my line transfer to the new address is still at stage one after freakin' ONE MONTH!!! So, sesiapa yang bekerja dengan Telekom Malaysia tu, let me say this, your services are inefficient and suck big time!!! But having said that, I still have to subscribe to the services. Yes, I'm a bloody hypocrite. At least I admit it. And I say my mind.

this coming week would be another working week. but truth be told, I am actually looking forward for it.

I told my mom, I have decided not to get married. My dad told me, God will decide on my 'jodoh'. I told my mom, rather than wasting a whole 40k for a wedding, I better get myself some diamond earrings, some gadgets, or maybe even a new car or a new house. Thats more satisfying than adding a husband, a marriage and tons of rubbish in my life. she laughed but have no further comment. Neither did my dad.

No, I have nothing against marriage. In fact, with my baby fetish, I am very much looking forward to get pregnant (legally that is) and have babies.

But, I'm just disappointed and lost hope in any male love relationship coming my way and I think, its time to take a longer pause in that department.

pauses are good.

time for you to breathe in ... and breathe out ...



Thursday, January 25, 2007

then, there was me

its been a while now since I wrote something I can relate to. its been awhile since I relate to anything, especially, the one inside me, the inner soul. life have taken me on a fast drive. I told ibah yesterday, these few days, my life motto is "work first, live later".

no, I'm indeed not a workaholic. but it just happen that every beginners need to prove themselves, if not to others, but to their own selves.

this is my moment to prove my worthiness.

that I'm worthy of the monthyly paycheque. meaning to say, I still can contribute my energy, my love and anything I can do to help also to provide labour and services to my foundation.

that I'm worthy of the trust. meaning to say, I can still be a weekend daughter and a good sister for the family. And at nights as I got back at home, I'll find a couple of minutes to catch up with my younger siblings. its hard, since I helped in raising them up, they've been my babies. So, just to know that Afis loves eating nasi lemak at his canteen and that he have to race for the nasi lemak with telur goreng that cost RM1 rather than buying the normal nasi lemak which costs 80cents. And Fiqah have been courted by a Form Three guy who thought she is from a mixed parentage (which she nodded and smiled secretly and her co-curiculum activities (which I promised to get her a nice pair of basketball shoes since she joined the basketball club). Its just nice, lying down and laughing with them. Yes, I do come home around 10pm every night, but the nights catching up with the kids and goodbye kisses from my parents in the morning, I hope that they trust my commitment towards the family.

that I'm worthy of the friendship. meaning to say, every now and then, I'll find time to sms and call my friends even though I complaint how tired and busy I am. I'll squeeze in time to run to meet them once awhile.

that I'm worthy of the faith. meaning to say, despite my ignorance and not being extra religious or extra pious, I'm already proud that I'm doing good, trying hard to keep to my prayers and koran reciting, the fact that I pray for the people around me more than I pray for myself. of all things, I pray that God bless those who cared to shower me with love. and I pray that I have a calm heart through all the adversities in life.

proving one's worthiness, is not to announce to the world, I know. As this blog was meant for me to remind myself and being a selfless person, as I remind myself, there's no harm to also share so that people would b reminded too, if they wish to acknowledge it.

everyday I question my worthiness as for the ones stated above. I'm not proving myself for my employer, family, friend and of course not God. God will know, regardless. But I question myself as to prove to myself.

people have been so nice, my employers, my family, my friends, God have been so Gracious in giving such a good life. Am I worthy of all thats been given to me.

Thats when I sit down and cry. No, I didn't cry. I just wanted to cry so badly.

No, I'm not a workaholic. There's nothing workaholic about reaching the office at 7.30am, not taking any lunch break, leaving the office around 8-9.30pm, and still thinking of work and talking about work while at home. Thats normal. And I still have time to blog, read blogs and chat.

So NO, I'm not a workaholic.


masihkah kau ingat?

I was quite happy that this morning, I heard a song I once love so much when I was younger, smaller and a thousand times cuter. heh. I don't know if you guys remember the song but its a nice malay song sang by Anita Sarawak.

Cintamu Muzik di Hatiku by Anita Sarawak

Siapakah dirimu
Yang hadir kala ku sepi
Kerana kau menyentuh jiwaku
Bagaikan lagu merdu
Kau merawat sepiku
Kau membisikan kau cinta padaku
Dulu aku dibelenggu
Duka kenangan lalu
Namun hadir mu menghulurkan satu keindahan

Cinta mu muzik di hatiku
Berlagu di dalam hidupku
Yang melenyapkan satu kedukaan
Cinta mu muzik di hatiku
Berputar tanpa rasa jemu
Dan menemani jiwa/diri ku yang sepi
Sungguh indah
Irama mu melembutkan hati ini

Pernah ku lafazkan
Tak mengulanginya
Tapi takdir-Nya siapa menduga
Untuk kali kedua
Ku kembali bercinta
Bercucuran lembut memukau hatiku
Dulu aku dibelenggu duka kenangan lalu
Namun hadir mu menghulurkan satu keindahan

Cinta mu muzik di hatiku
Menjadi nada nada rindu
Yang berpanjangan bawa kedamaian
Cinta mu muzik di hatiku
Menyanyi di sudut jiwaku
Melahirkan satu pengharapan
Sungguh indah
Irama mu melembutkan hati ini
So, sesiapa yang ada lagu tersebut, the email address have been given in the previous post, do share. And note to those requesting the song in the previous post, I gave my email address already, just email me and I'll reply with the song. Dont be afraid that you might have to disclose your email address and whatnot.

*Guano la payoh pehe demo nih!



Wednesday, January 24, 2007

a little something to smile for

Slow Dancing, French Kissing by D'Sound

Slow dancing, french kissing...
Baby, do you comprehend
what you’re missing?
My intensions shine bright:
yes, I want to
take you home with me tonight

Worked so hard to get you
Don’t be shy to try
I’m gonna let you
Remember how we did it?
Is it really true
you wanna quit it?

Here’s the hand that you shook
And here’s the flesh that you took
Don’t look the way that you look
Come with me
or let me off the hook

If you’re into repetition
you can put your name
upon my cushion
I’m open like the sky
and I’d like you
to get down with me and fly

Look me in the eyes
and say you wanna quit it
That you don’t remember
the way that we did it

Who wants the sample (that actually means the whole) of the song, please email me at It is jazzy and very laidback and I slept for 2 nights with the track on repeat. Very lovely!



Tuesday, January 23, 2007

she looks up, the moon smiled

she stood there standing. in the middle of the driveway. staring way up high to the dark sky. there it was. the one she's been waiting for. for so long. so long she almost forgot how amazing it is. how it used to soothe her soul. how it used to make her heart smile. she stared. not blinking. with a slight smile on her lips. but the widest smile in her heart. she felt the warmth of an embrace. but she was standing there alone.

its been days since she took into the sense of admiration for something, self adoration aside. yes, she is what they call narcissist. but who can blame her for no one have ever even try loving her. she goes back home with nothing to look forward for. aside from the bed. even the bed doesn't bring any comforting thoughts since she would then think how she really need to buy new bedsheets, new comforter and some new pillows.

there's something about the moon that astounds her. even though it appears every night. even though she has been looking at it her whole life. but every single time, the moon speaks to her differently. and the fact is, the moon remainds the same. as for she. even though she grows older. but she's the same person. yet, there's something different, every single time.

she shares her moment. with those who would appreciate it as much as she would.

but none would understand.

the relationship she has.

with the moon.

everytime they meet.

suddenly she smile.

I'm going now. This is goodbye.

I'll be there looking after you while you sleep ok.

a chuckle. and she stepped inside the house.


Labels: ,

inhale. exhale. now hold your breath.

this is a quick one, I swear! hehe.

just got back from "Seminar Jaringan Kerjasama Antara Badan NGOs dengan PEMADAM".

don't ask how I got myself to attend this. heh. met some interesting people. slept through the sessions. yes, thats me. I have short span of attention but endless depth of affection. so I should attend seminar on hugging instead huh.

anyways, there were lots of issues raised during the Q&A session. In which, the legislation consistency with implementation of the campaign giving needles to drug addicts to prevent the spread of HIV/AIDS through sharing of needles. Which is true, you are preventing drug addiction, but somehow, educating drug addicts to be smarter in their drug addiction routines.

however, everything goes with lots of explanations, excuses, further elaborations, statistics, and psychological perspective of it.

for me, I was glad I slept through it. Okay, not that I really put my head on the table and snored. I was doing my 'fishing' act. Hahaha.

and I make friends with people twice my age. Only met a girl, who was 27, but at least, a relief to chat with her.

Good event tho. But maybe just not my thing. But I definitely love the Q&A session. I'm always up for open floor discussion. I can sleep throughout my class and still wake up at the end of the lecture and ask questions. Thats me. Hahaha.

okay. off to work. got meeting later. its going to be a loooonnnnggggg day ahead.

this is a moment to stop and breathe.




Monday, January 22, 2007

the time I wanted to cry, for no reason

"You've achieved success in your field when you don't know whether what you're doing is work or play", the great Warren Beatty once said.

Yes, I did picked it up when Tom Hanks read it as honouring Warren Beatty in the recent Golden Globes awards.

Today, I had to much fun enjoying the event at work although there are some running here and there as work means responsibilities. Many things to brush up on my part, as I just started work for nearly 3 months now.

But the exhaustion at times can make me wanna cry, for no bloody reason.

For no bloody reason meaning that why would I want to cry doing something I enjoyed??!!

For no bloody reason meaning that my task wasn't as hard as I might portray it to be.

For no bloody reason meaning, no, I didn't bleed during the task. Heh.

So there are times, the only thing I would wanna blame is my mind, for thinking how smart and genius it is, but it is not, and I'm not smart, let alone genius, probably born with a low IQ and some stupid funny bones.

I'm not that tired actually. I'm just tired of thinking the long journey home. An hour drive after a tiring eventful day.

Tomorrow, might not be around. Got seminar to attend and probably have to go alone. Hurm.



come 1428 Hijrah

there's a lot happened on awal muharam

some friends of mine were blessed with good things to start their new islamic year.


my cousin brother got into an accident on friday morning, and until now, haven't woke up from his coma. he's just 17 years old. my parents rushed back to Ipoh on friday night to visit him but I got home around 8.30pm and was too tired. I just hope he'll be safe and stable. my aunty had been through quite a lot. her eldest daughter was involved in an accident in 2000 and was in a coma for nearly 2 months and had just recently fully recovered. it took her a year to physically recover and 3 years to mentally recover. emotionally, it might take longer. and last two years, my aunt's second son died from an accident, leaving a widow and 4 months old son.

my aunt is a strong woman. I dont have to look for women figures to find a role model. I just go back to Parit, Perak, and there she is, smiling beyond her grief, making sure everyone is greeted once they step into her house, everyone is well fed and everyone is kissed and hugged.

Its funny. Sometimes the strongest and most amazing person sits right there in front of you, and you'll never notice it. I have met some people who are amazing and I'm glad I notice it in them, and proud to say that everyone else might not have the privilege as I had, noticing these silent Caesars, Alexanders, Cleopatras and Joan of Arcs. They are in disguises and being someone who can see through the masquerade mask, and smile to the person behind it, its just my honour. God's gift. For me to be in the presence of these wonderful amazing characters.

I wish I can go back to Parit and meet my Mak Dah and hug her. I know, she wouldn't appear sad. But since I'm a hug-a-holic, I seem to want and would create any excuse to hug anyone. Hehehehe.

But I'll be swamped with work the next 2-3 weeks. All I can do is send my prayers. I hope its enough, at least for the time being. Iskandar will get well, insyaAllah. Lets all hope for the best for him. He has a whole life to live for. If it was me, at least I have tasted the bitter sweet things in life, even though I'm 24, but at least I've got the picture and perspective of some things in life.

Awal Muharam marks the new calendar year for Islam, and a journey to self betterment (Hijrah) to Muslims.

I wish for the best to come my way, and if bitter steps in the path, I hope I can learn why bitter taste like that and how to tolerate bitterness.

I wish that my heart and mind is always open to learning new things. When you take everything as a learning process, it broadens up your space and widens the opportunity to be a better person.

I wish the best for my family and friends. I wish that I never forget to say prayers for those who have thrust some love, care and affection towards me.

I wish this blog touches hearts.

I wish that I'll be a better person.

I wish that people would love me for who I am, not for who they thought I am.

I wish that I'll make my parents proud.

I wish that I'll make myself proud.

I wish that I'll make someone proud. I wish that someone would say "hey, she is indeed a really great person. you should meet up with her and have a conversation with her" of me. (",)

I'm not that interesting. I'm not that pretty. But I wish that I would meet more beautiful souls. As proximity to honest inner beauty can also purify your mind and soothe your bitter day as they would constantly bring smiles to your heart.

Selamat Menjalani Tahun 1428 Hijrah.

Mari kita berpimpinan, berhijrah ke arah yang membawa keberkatan.

* I wont comment anything on the recent cases on freedom of speech being tainted by the authorities, but I'm all for Freedom of Speech and Freedom of writing, so if there's a blogger's united badges and car stickers on sale, please inform me, I would want lots of them! hehehe.


Friday, January 19, 2007

the one I love. but sometimes, I forgot.

I never have the opportunity to keep a childhood friend. I'm a nomad. My parents move about every 3 years.

but there's one girl. whom I've been friends with. since I was 10.

so, to date, she's the oldest friend I've got. a friend for 14 years.

and being me, who tirelessly adding up friends on daily basis, and being human, sometimes I forgot. I forget. I have forgotten. and I will forget.

but. as for this moment that I still can remember. let me just share with you.

her name marks a presence. Dayana Dazman. no, Dazman is not her father. Thats her middle name. Cool huh? I have lots of friends with cool middle name. Yes, mine is cool too. Akma ... Perfect.

Dayana is a special person. Someone so sweet. Someone who have the deepest dimple. And you just wanna stuck a pen in it to measure the depth of it. Heh.

Nana, I know that I might not be excellent in my grammar. Heh. Writing to an english teacher makes me nervous all the time. Its like, I'll be judged and assessed.

But since you're my oldest friend. And I (kind of) have seen you grown up as a women, going through lots of changes in life but still am holding on to the real you.

We might not spend our days together. We might meet once a year. We might claim we know each other when we hardly see each other.

But I practically grew up with you, since Marion Convent in Ipoh to MRSM.

And it bring tears to my eyes just knowing that I do have an old friend, who understands, who comes to my blog to get updates on me. heh.

Our craze for F.R.I.E.N.D.S., sneaking out from night prep to watch tv at the block, running away from wardens, chatting at the EMC room rather than studying. Every single thing. And God knows we're bound together not only becos of the size of our nose, but God brought us together, placing us in the same homeroom when I transferred to MRSM, when the only person I know there were Juraida and you. Its cosmic. Its God's way of taking care of me. Placing me with those who will tend to me, care for me, and love me.

We have ups and downs, there are times I weren't there for you. I'm sorry. Unfavorable circumstances, as life paved different directions for us.

But as I write this with fond memories of us being together, let me end this with some heartfelt sincere words.

I was young and skinny
You were famous and pretty
I was quiet and lonely
You were loud and chirpy

But there's only one road
We run on it together
And as we run, our hands held each other

Not becos we're the only two people running
But becos somehow
I have faith that you'll guide me
I have faith that I won't let you fall

Its getting funnier
The road does not exist in the physical world
You and I don't even live close to each other
We're separated with massive construction and development

But in my cosmic abyss
I see us running
You with your cute bear-like face
Like you always have when you sprint
Me with my 'control consistent' face
Like I always have when I do my long distance running

Together we laugh
And together we cry
And together we understand
That regardless differences
God brought us together
Becos God knows that
I'll care for you
and You'll care for me too.

-abby to dayana 19012007 -

Happy Belated Birthday Nana Baby, thanks. I cant write no more. Now, I just want to smile.



things u can feel but can't see

they call it intangible.

I call it energy. cosmic energy.

there are a lot of things that make me smile since yesterday.

corresponding via email with a certain friend who can't post comments on blogger due to some dinding api at his workplace.

commenting in a certain storyteller's blog.

taking pictures at a certain event regarding the historical journey of spices. (its been awhile since I played with my digicam)

making new acquaintances who later I can call friends.

meeting someone who I thought was 27 until she said she have 2 kids and she graduated from uni in 1995 (blardy hell, I just entered high school at that time) and she said a career in public relations have made her look young always, hence telling me I chose the right career.

seeing all the tan sris and datos having teh tarik sitting by the fountain at the Islamic Arts Museum, and now they look like normal men who enjoys teh tarik even kat tepi bucu jalan rather than corporate moguls.

meeting my girl Farah for hangout. some strong mocha and some nantucket and we went totally high on laughter and ridiculous talks (why are we single? how can we handle ourselves having boyfriends? I want to be single and take care of my parents and younger siblings! we're not made for love!).

chatting with some friends I haven't chatted online with for a long long time.

making friends with the workers in starbucks pusat bandar damansara, very nice people.

getting calls from someone I terribly miss. (",)

and returning calls to someone I terribly miss. (",)

talking to someone I terribly miss before shutting my eyes. (",)

kissing both of my parents before I leave for work.

dancing in the car (yes, you can do that).

checking my inbox at the office and smiled. something touch my heart.

chatted with farisa. miss her so so so so much. remembering her call, few days back, and she can talk so fast that an hour phone conversation can cover 3 months weekend hangouts. hahahaha.

sharing things with those I care and trusting those I care and seeing those I care succeed in their journey.

my goodnight hug with afis. I lay on top of his chest. he have one hand hugging me and like a grown up man he asked "kak yang ni dah basuh tangan ke?". I put my head on his chest. and had some talks with my younger sister afiqah. she's 14. the age when she needed a sister who doesn't meddle with her life, but who occasionally spend time to talk to. they've grown up so much. afis was doing fergie dance (the one from the fergilicious vclip).

funny thing.

I cant see myself smiling.

but I can feel it.

its the energy. the love energy. and I want to cry becos I appreciate it so much I dont know why.

why do I need love?

its all around me. I just close my eyes and feel it and smile.

I told farisa. in love, its not about time. no, I hate it, too many people saying "it takes time"

I say - "all you need is space".

not time, but space.

when you have the space. then you will know what to fill it with. and that would be your choice.

there are people I want to hug so much. right now. should be good. its getting colder in the office. I need a warm loving hug. (",)



Wednesday, January 17, 2007

berlari ke bulan

tunggu. jangan pergi dulu.

dia senyum.

mengertikah kau apa yang ku katakan? adakah senyum mu tanda memahami? atau sekadar senyum kosong semata mata.

dia senyum lagi. kali ini, ditambah dengan satu kerdipan mata. seolah olah tanda memahami, tanda setuju.

aku berhenti berlari. tercungap cungap menahan mengah di dada. usia bukan muda lagi. bukan selalu ku berlari sebegini.

namun, pabila ku mendongakkan kepala ku, ku lihat wajah nya tersenyum. seolah olah mahu menenangkan kepala yang sudah pusing dengan deras aliran darah naik ke otak. seolah olah mengusap dada ku yang termengah mengah.

dia senyum. kali ini, senyumnya sekadar di hujung bibir. kulihat, matanya mula bergenang.

jangan. jangan pergi dulu.

sekali lagi, senyum di hujung bibir diberikan. air matanya sudah sipi di hujung mata. kulihat dia meneguk air liur nya. seolah olah menahan sebak.

kuhulurkan tangan ku.

disambut dan digenggam erat.

dia mengangkat tanganku rapat ke bibirnya lantas mencium perlahan tanganku. setitis air mata jatuh ke atas jari jemariku.

mataku pula mula bergenang. dadaku berat menahan sebak. tidak, aku tidak mahu dia pergi.

sekali lagi, senyuman kecil di hujung bibir terlihat, tanganku diangkat ke matanya. kemudian ke pipinya. kemudian, ke bibirnya, dicium lembut.

sekarang? kau mahu pergi sekarang?

dia mengangguk. kali ini, dia tersenyum manja. seolah olah mahu memujukku, tetapi, sebenarnya, memujuk diri sendiri.

tanpa ku sedari, tanganku sudah merangkul tubuhnya. aku memeluknya erat. seerat yang boleh ku peluk. aku tidak malu menitiskan air mata ku ke bahunya. biarlah dia rasakan aliran deras air mataku di bahunya. tak payah di lihat. segera aku mengelap mataku yang basah dan menampalkan satu senyuman di bibir.

aku tunggu. aku akan tunggu. aku akan sentiasa duduk di bahu jalan, menunggu kepulangan mu.

dia mengusap rambut ku. dia mencium dahiku.

tanpa ku sedari, dia sudah jauh, semakin lama semakin jauh, lantas hilang dari sudut pandangan ku.

aku menapak ke tepi jalan. dan di bahu jalan, ku singgahkan punggungku. walaupun kotor. walaupun tidak selesa.

aku sudah berjanji akan menunggu nya.

seperti cinta mengotakan janjinya untuk menemuiku.

akan ku kotakan janji ku untuk menunggunya.


hello ... you fool ... I love you ....

there's a lot of things going smooth and great this morning. my first day reciting koran at the new house. thats a good start. it made my day. and as I left the house at 6.30am, the crescent moon was SO BEAUTIFUL. Subhanallah. Cantik nya sang bulan. Noting this Saturday is Awal Muharam, entering a new Hijriah year for the Muslims. Its a Saturday, so I just hope that Friday night, I can go home earlier to recite the Doa Akhir and Awal tahun. I didn't get to do it last year. And if I end up doing it in the office this year, it wouldn't be as fun.

Anyways, the sight of the clear sky with stars and the most perfect beautiful moon just made me smile. and the break of dawn. I saw the small bright light breaking through and from my view, included KLCC Twin Towers and Menara KL, a small streak of light coming from below as the dark sky still cherishes the stars and moon, its a perfect picture moment. And what made it more perfect, is that I dont have a camera with me. I snapped it through my eyes and stored it in my heart. Every now and then, I close my eyes and see the beautiful picture. (",) And I arrived a bit late to the office. 7.35am. Yes, thats late in my clock. for I don't like to be late. But becos I had such a calm and peaceful morning, I went to McDonalds drive-thru and get me some breakfast. What else to accompany a good spiritual morning then a good breakfast? Yelah, maybe you'll say duit itu pergi pada Yahudi. Hurm... Yang membuatnya orang melayu, insyaAllah menggunakan barangan halal, so putting that in mind, okay la kot. hehehe.

I'm not in my poetic mood yet. Perhaps later. I want to write something about sang bulan dan sang mentari. I'll gather my thoughts and see what I can come up with.

yes .... talking about the moon, and the sun, and sometimes the stars, does make me look like a fool. for I am a love foolosoper. foolishly in love with people who does not love me. but better a fool in love than a genius who nevers appreciate love, right? heh.



Tuesday, January 16, 2007

the longer quickie ... should it be called quicker?

heh. I know. I'm no English genius. My English sucks! Big Time! Friends who are better, constantly correct me. Good though, knowledge are meant to be shared.

I actually got 25 mins to a Staff Meeting but I decided to write something. As for the time being, I'm restless, in need of Vanilla Coke (apparently the caffein in the coffee isn't enough, I need SUGAR), craving for a choc fudge doughnut from Dunkin' Donuts which I wanted to go out and buy earlier but had something to prepare for boss by 2pm, and yes, now, am hungry, whiny, bitchy and the like.

Shoot! I forgot what I wanted to write about! Hahaha.

Boss gave me a book to read. Its called, "Writing to the Bones" by Natalie Goldberg. Yes, adding to the endless to-read and still-reading list I have, I tend to finish this book in the next 2 days, since it was lent by boss and of course, I should show some repo for fast reading, since I'm doing publication works. hehehe. Its a good book. It reminded me how I used to write, on papers, with a pen. I will write and once, I let someone read my thoughts. Funny. It was supposed to be a personal journal but I let people read it. There goes privacy? Hurm .... Depends on how you view it.

In life, all I ever wanted was to help others. Yes, my dad calls me "muka welfare". Becos suka benar nolong orang. People will label it as "people's pleaser", or "people's slave". But no, I dont see it that way. I see it as helping. Funny. Yes. Stupid. More or less. Weird. Most definitely. Practical. Not in this world.

So, if I can write, and share, and help people understand certain situations, certain traits, certain people's behaviour, maybe thats my vocation. I might not be a good writer. I might have the worst grammar, the most simple vocabulary, the idiotic self-made phrases, but I'll write and try to help. In any way that I can. Within my means.

No, I'm not good at what I do, at anything, even at loving, becos apparently, I lost the love, if I were any good, things wont drift away from my path. No, no tokyo drift imagination please.

So, I'll write. And share. Private things. General things. I'll omit things that I would want to omit. I'll fake things I'll want to fake. But for those who read, and have a heart, they'll figure out how I write. Its from the heart. (",)

I know, its not the end, but there's no harm thanking some people. a nanatanjung who said recently that she's a fan. along ariff said she's an avid reader. I'd like to thank them both for saying that.

and for the others who have said I write some honest stuff, those who laughed, those who smiled, those who chuckled, those who enjoyed, those who woke up at 5am and read something that I've written and realise there's still hope out there. I thank you all. for connecting with me.

for those who are older than me and continue to read what an inexperience 24 year old thinks of the world and agrees with it, plus sharing their thoughts on some, thank you. I thought I'd only connect with the younger ones. But then again, I'll always see myself a 30 yr old soul trapped in a 24 yr old body. heh.

for those who drops by, reads, does not leave any comment, and carries on with their life. I wish you good luck.

for those who hates my writings. thinking what an emotional twit, whiny little bitch who constantly crave for the invisible whatsoever love she thinks she have. thanks. at least I'm pictured as a "not so nice" person by some, I'm flattered. heh.

I'm a sinner. I know so.

But everyday, we learn to be better.

On my 17th birthday, I wrote on the birthday cake plate my friends bought for me, "The Hardest but most Important thing in life, is to find yourself".

Today, this morning, after subuh, I remembered the moment I wrote it. I smiled.

In my cosmic abyss, I kind of found myself. In a way. So, I'm thanking everyone who ever ter'click, dropby here.

Have a lovely Tuesday afternoon.



Monday, January 15, 2007

perasaan atau perasan

sometimes you can feel someone is watching you.

sometimes you think they're watching you but they're not.

sometimes you can sense a presence close by.

sometimes you look around and you're all alone.

saya rasa dia baca. saya rasa dia singgah ke laman web saya.

tetapi tak semestinya apa yang saya rasa benar. kerana ini dunia digital. tiada perasaan yang dijalurkan melalui kabel kabel digital yang hanya memahami bahasa kod binari itu.

tetapi. ada satu perasaan. yang tiba tiba membuatkan kita tersenyum. tiba tiba boleh membuatkan kita terasa. dan sejenak terfikir.

adakah perasaan itu benar? adakah tanggapan saya tepat? adakah kehadiran mu ikhlas?

atau saya hanya memang perasan semata mata.

jikalau demikian. biarlah dengan pipi yang kemerahan menahan malu, saya senyum dan mengundur diri. menyisih fikiran yang menghantui ini.



the one to share

you'll never know where you're heading to until you know where you came from. a wise man once said that. I took it seriously.

opah came by last saturday. her first visit since we moved in. opah is my father's mother. during my younger days, with the constant moving and all, I was never close to opah. we were never did, my siblings. lately, as I grew older, its easier to talk to her.

I wrote once when I tended to her for a good 2 weeks. my maid left and I was at home just finished studying. so, she came and stayed for 2 weeks. I practically were her breakfast, lunch and dinnermate. and we talked about everything when we have the chance, if she's not reciting the qur'an or praying.

last saturday, she asked how my work and traveling is. I told her, its pretty tiring to travel but work is great as for I got the opportunity to meet great people, have tea and lunch with them and just work within the vicinity of one of the greatest leader in the world, its just a blessing for me. she constantly said how she prayed for me and grateful to the Lord for giving me these opportunities.

then she started her story.

opah dulu cikgu. selepas sekolah rendah, at the age of 12, she had became a teacher. imagine! teacher at 12 years old. bila budak2 berlari tak dengar kata, opah would scream calling the headmaster, "Cikgu Besar! Tengok budak budak ni!". This is before the independence, late 1930s.

opah dulu walked 3 miles to her school to teach. even when she was pregnant, she walked 3 miles. kalau naik basikal, bahaya. so better walk. but still, 3 miles is a long journey for a pregnant lady.

opah buka cerita tentang my ancestors. from her side, my great great great (tak tahu la berapa banyak great daaa) grandfather came from Patani. He was actually the key holder to the palace for Kerajaan Patani. kemudian, he travelled down south melalui sungai golok and through sungai perak, ended up at parit, perak. I've shorten this version as I couldn't recall it. shame on my memory when opah can still remember all the names. she was telling me this tale, and then my aunty nak ajak her balik, but she said, "tunggu, mak tengah cerita ni. sementara masih ingat". they was surprised how I was so interested to listen becos apparently only the two of us left in the living room, she story telling, me quitely listening. I will ask her more and jot it down next time. I need to jot this down. next time, insyaAllah.

a friend once told me that I'll look like opah when I get older. I don't know that. but what I do know, I hope to inherit her righteousness, her memory hebatness, and her patience. I also would love to inherit my maktok's (my mom's mother) patience. both grandmothers are patient women. (",)

I felt like sharing becos I know some of us have lots our grandmothers, and some of us have them still but forgot to spare some time to sit down and talk to them.

some who have lost, we send out our prayers for them and prayed the best for them. no on lives forever. god loves them more and wanted to have them up there earlier.

I lost both my grandfathers when I was still young. Sad to know that I never had the chance to be as this grown up who have the initiative to sit down and talk to them. the only fond memories of them were my atuk (opah's husband) used to give us (me and cousins) sweets whenever he got back from his morning coffee at the chinese coffee shop in pekan parit, and of my tok ayah (maktok's husband) combing my hair on raya morning whenever we went back to kelantan.

I hope I'll live long to pass on the stories I got from opah and maktok to my children and grandchildren.

"afis kalau boleh nak semua orang hidup sampai afis mati. lepas tu baru boleh sorang sorang mati"
-afis (my youngest 'big' adorable brother) when asked what will he do when all of us have died-




no longer crying

I've decided to not cry.

I've decided to not grief.

I've decided to just wait.

Wait till the day I'll be seen as important.
Wait till the day I'll be seen as worthy.
Wait till the day I'll be hug, and kiss, and love ... wholeheartedly, once again.

Those who wait are not passive. They're just patient.

Those who are patient are not cowards. They just happen to enjoy waiting.

Aside from all that, my weekend have been very slow, but relaxing. I had quite a friday night. coming home quite late from work, I left the office at 8.10pm, with an invitation for drinks at hartamas to meet my girls, but as I reached home, it was already raining heavily and my parents refused to let me out of the house. So, after shower, I fell asleep on the bed, only to be waken by a phonecall. A friend called and said that he's around Selayang. So, I asked my parents the permission to meet him up, then, alang-alang, asked him to take me to Hartamas instead. Hehehehehehe .... A joyride and some great quality time with him, then with the girls, then my first foosball experience. Haha. It was a great night.

Saturday and Sunday was cleaning day. My room is 80% perfect now. Okayla, 75%. Hahaha. Once I got it done, I will post my mini library corner here. Yeay!!! I got a mini library!!!!!! Its cool cos I sleep facing the shelves and even though I don't have the chance to read all of the books, sleeping while looking at it just calms me. Working in a library and going home to a mini library. No, I'm no bookworm. I just love books! Heh.

However .... Still scrolling down those old old text messages in my phone while my mind sings "Memories ......." .... hehehe ... minus the CATS freakingly weird costumes of course.

Have a nice kick-ass MONDAY everyone!



Friday, January 12, 2007

for peace's sake people!

In the words of Lao Tsu:

If there is to be peace in the world, the nations must live in peace.

If there is to be peace among nations, the cities must not rise up against each other.

If there is to be peace in the cities, neighbours must understand each other.

If there is to be peace among neighbours, there must be harmony at home.

If there is to be peace at home, we must each find our own heart.

Perdana Global Peace Conference & Exhibition “Expose War Crimes: Criminalise War

The Perdana Global Peace Organisation (PGPO) will be organising the Perdana Global Peace Conference and Exhibition “Expose War Crimes: Criminalise War” from 5th to 7th February at the Putra World Trade Center, Kuala Lumpur. The Conference and Exhibition is the continuation of efforts to support the Kuala Lumpur Initiative to Criminalise War launched by Tun Dr. Mahathir in 2005.

The Conference and Exhibition will feature an appearance from a victim of the infamous tortures at Abu Ghraib prison, survivors of the Hiroshima bombing and witnesses of the war and cruelties in Iraq. Tun Dr. Mahathir will give a keynote address for the Conference and he will be joined by an assembly of internationally renowned speakers to share their views on war and world crimes. Admission is free and registration can be made via the PGPO website at

Please register early! You can download the registration form online via the website at the address above. Seats are based on first come first serve basis. As the admission is free, all you need to do is find the time, and the means to go there, easy as that. Its a very good event. Do support us if you are a person who loves peace.

By the way, I just found out the New Zealand is a nuclear-free zone, they are against nuclear weapons and they also have their own Ministry of Peace where every other nation in the world have Ministry of Defence. A good thought for a country situated right next to Australia, which it's Prime Minister is so PRO-WAR, right.

Now, New Zealand is on top of my list to further my studies, ehehehehehe....



the dream that talks

hey, how are you?

I'm fine. I miss you.

You do? Why?

well ... I just felt lost. I'm so used to having you so near. I'm so used to telling you everything. I'm so used to just feel your presence.

why do you love me that much?

I don't know. I never thought I would want to love you that much. I thought you'd be one of those people I wouldn't even consider to be friends with since we run in different societies, in different industries. the universe works in mysterious ways. One night the universe warned me about something, but I didn't know what it is. Now I realised, that I was warned about loving someone this much.

you didn't answer my question.

I know.


then you'll feel oblige to love me as much if I tell you.

do you think I don't love you?

I don't know. I don't know whether you love me the way you used to love me. you don't hold me like you used to. you don't hug me like you used to. you don't kiss me like you used to.

hmmmmm.... don't love me that much. I'm not worth it.

its my responsibility if I were to love you that much. I can't expect you to do the same. it wouldn't be fair. love doesn't work that way. it flows. it doesn't go against the current. its a one way road. by the way, nobody's unworthy of love. everyone is worth the love the receive. love never scarce. and me, I never, will never regret loving people regardless it is reciprocated or not. you know that.

but I do care about you, you know.

I know.

a hand reached out to touch her hand.

she woke up. it was a dream. she can still feel the fingers nearing her palm.

she forgot to asked whether she had been loved or am still loved. she cried. taking the pillow on top of her head, she cried even more.

that morning, she woke up on a dampened pillow, and swelling eyes. she took her bath. she wore her working attire. took her jacket, grabbed her keys and off to work.

its a new day. its a new morning. the sun greeted her with it's ray.

she know she can't keep on clinging to the dream.

at least tonight, she'll have laughs with her girlfriends.

at least tonight, she won't scroll down the old messages.

well ... at least not until she has another dream.



Thursday, January 11, 2007

an airy brain

there comes a time when I often realise what a fool I've become. and I end up laughing at myself as my face blushes with shame, being bashful for my own stupidity, idiotic actions. I'd go and say, "thats stupid la abby, dang!"

then I took a deep breath, smile, told myself "ala, lantak la."


does this mean that I have multiple personality? heh. if thats the case, I should have segregate my blogs to fit my different personalities. instead of just having a doppelganger, I successfully created the entire hollywood database only with my several personalities. hahaha. the drama queen. the eccentric and opinionated teen. the bimbo heir. the grunge indie lover. the motherly humanitarian. the rockstar groupie. owh no, I wont add in anna nicole smith or liza mineli in my list, no thanks. hah.

with this several side of me, I often end up explaining myself, explaining my actions, and people get confused, on why should I bother to explain.

its like when a child behaves weirdly, the mother will explain to the guest "dia ni memang macam ni perangai dia, sebab masa kecik dulu, pernah terlepas jatuh daripada buai". heh. thats how I am. I will explain my actions becos sometimes, one of two personalities went out of control and the dominant one have to explain the actions of the rebel. yes, they've made a movie out of the syndrome. Identity with John Cusack in it. Hah. and no, I didn't tiru itu movie just to make the post interesting. This just honestly how I feel. but, then again, can honesty be measured in a virtual web connected by binary codes performing as data, transferred by cabels that gets interrupted easily by natural disasters? Can you see or feel if I'm honest or not?

yesterday I left the office quite early, at 7pm. I got to bid the sun farewell, and as I glanced at my rear mirror, she sort of wave back to me. Hah. Its been awhile since I left the office while the sun is still shining.

No, I'm not workaholic.

I just have nothing to look forward to go back to.

My friends are all away busy. My parents are worried, but recently I have done nothing good to please them I guess. My room is a mess. The house is in a mess. Lots of boxes still left unpacked and I so dont have the mood to do it. Maybe becos actually, I'm ashamed of myself for being utterly tired from the one hour traveling to and fro work, that I could not lend my help to the family.

I have no interest in watching the TV. Yes, this coming from a former tv freak who watch everything, even those korean soap dramas, and believe it or not, sometimes that Macam Macam Aznil and AC di sini show. Hahahaha.

my phone line haven't been activated. Bad thing, cos I need internet connection at home. Good thing, I won't bergayut at the phone or thinking to dial the numbers of those I miss.

I haven't been calling my friends much. I used to call everyone. I love keeping in touch. Just saying hi even though they're busy. Just to let them know that I'm thinking of them. And thheir presence in the world matters. But since, the love vibe has not successfully or fully reciprocated, I have erased that good spirit of keeping in touch with friends from my heart. whats the point? I only call those who calls. I've become one of them.

Its funny to see yourself, the person you've become, and you want to reach out and tell her, she's changed, but you can't, becos you've been part of what contributed to that change. you didn't say no when she wanted to change. you didn't warned her when she was swept away with the changes. point one finger to her, and the rest of the four fingers points back at you.

10 minutes to 5.30pm. thats when the office hours end. but I rarely go back at 5.30pm. thats when I start doing my work. I go back at 8pm. and usually, I'll be the last girl in the building, the remaining will be another male colleague and the security guards.

my life have no point elsewhere aside from the office. I see bright and clear in my career path, but nothing in love and other parts of it.

what does it feels like to want and go home to something?

Don't get me wrong, I do go home back to my family, yes. I cherish them so much, of course. I'll be sad to leave the house without kisses from my parents (like this morning, cudn't find my dad to get goodbye kisses from him becos I was late - 6.30am, yes, thats late in my clock). I love the conversations I have with Muid and our mamak sessions and going to shopping malls with him (he's a shopaholic, and no, I'm not). I like Afis saying its okay if I want to sleep with him on his bed and doesn't mind me hugging him all night long. I like weekends when my sister comes home and she calls me "abby rabbies" and starts messing with my hair. I like when my younger sister fiqah updates me on the latest music news.

but aside from that. there's nothing else. and in that part, I felt empty.



a moment with her

its 11.30am. the office is getting cold. outside doesn't look like its hot enough to warm her thoughts. she's already halfway done with her second coffee of the day. biscuits for breakfast. and a nicotine stick on the way to work earlier. everything seems fine in reality.

her subconscious disagree.

inside, she feels hollow.

rindu itu perasaan apabila kehilangan seseorang.

thats what she's been told. and thats how she feels at the moment. lost. hollow.

her eyes scanned through thousands on words on the desktop monitor this morning. but none took her mind of the person. that certain person.

she jokes and smiled at co-workers. but nothing took her mind of the person. that certain person.

they told her, all she need is time. she'll get over it.

some said, don't give up, not just yet.

she once wrote that

"Those who left with goodbyes doesn't haunt our thoughts as much as those who slips away in silence."

at the time she wrote it, it didn't meant as much. It meant a lot to her friends at the moment who kept telling her it was a brilliant quote that they can relate to so much. she said thanks and let them quote it, for she felt no association whatsoever with the saying.

now, it goes round and round her head.

at least say goodbye. and let me hug you for the very last time.



a breather, needed.

In the words of Lao Zi

Men must show that he is pliant and not tough. Man must appear to be guileless and not shrewed. Man must have no motives and no desires; be selfless and self-effacing, pure-minded and natural...

student : Generally people believe that it is good to be tough.

Lao Zi : That which is hard is brittle; it breaks easily. That which is pliant endures. For example, what is the hardest thing in your body? What is the softest?

student : My teeth are the hardest and my tongue is the softest!

Lao Zi : You see, at my age my teeth have all gone yet my tongue is still perfect.
Isn't the big tree stronger than the grass?

student : Yes.

Lao Zi : When the typhoon comes, the big tree is uprooted, yet the little grass remains unscathed.

Just a simple breather for Thursday. (",) I'm coping fine. I mean, thanks for all your support. I know its not right to make anything personal here. But, as I write things, I could be a faker, it could be total fiction. And if it is, then I must be very good at creating stories, right, becos I could convey the right emotions.

A visitor recently said she is my biggest fan. Thanks, its flattering. But no, I'm not worth the fame. Nor the admiration. Becos I've learnt, I'm not worth the love.

But this post is supposed to be a breather. And my comments are fictional as they can get. I write from the heart. But sometimes, the heart can lie. You'll never know. Heh.

Even if you claim the heart don't lie. Mine does. Pretty well in fact.

And no, I'm not a smartypants. I'm just 'smart and organized'.



Wednesday, January 10, 2007

in the midst of ............ missing u

baru kini ku tahu, nilai cintamu
there's a lot of things that have been going, but all I could do is counting .... counting the seconds .... no sms .... no calls .... no nothing .... tick .... tick .... tick .... thursday .... friday .... saturday .... sunday .... monday .... tuesday .... wednesday .... nothing ....


I got lots of work ... events to help with ... going back home .... more unpacking to do.

and all I can think of .... missing you .

but being a multi tasker, its not hard, I'm not yet in the danger zone where I can go towards an emotional breakdown. no, abby's too smart for that. she might breakdown, but in pretence, becos she's too smart for that.

I'll still be counting .... while my body is doing work. (",)

have a happy wednesday peeps!



Tuesday, January 09, 2007

one woman freak show

I just read an article on The Star Online about a movie I've been anxiously waiting for. Berbagi Suami. An indonesian movie which opens January 11 cinema nation-wide. I don't think I can afford going to watch it in the near future, but I'm not the kind of person who lines up to watch the first show of any movie. I'll wait for the convenience of my time and money, and make my way, either to the dvd pirate, heh, or the legal vcd retailer, or yes, the cinemas.

But this movie, is something else. I don't know, I just feel it. And I really wanted to watch it. Even more when I saw Shanty in it. Heh. Yeah, I'm THAT shallow.

So, the Star article read "One Woman too many".

I should describe myself, one woman freak show.

By all means, I have no problem with poligamy issue, PROVIDED that the husband still loves the other wives, no less. I believe in poligamy in relationship PROVIDED the spouse, the partner, or the lover, still loves you, no less.

People fall in love, they can't help it. When people fall, thats when YOU RISE to be the better person, to love without hoping anything in return, okay, that maybe overstating it, AT LEAST hoping appreciation of the endless love given.

But, knowing me, ONE WOMAN FREAK SHOW, I can't imagine how my partner would deal with me alone, and why on earth my partner would want another person when I can have multiple personalities. Hahahaha!

Another thing why I kind of consent with the issue of poligamy, is because I am well aware of the quota every man for 16 women, and as a selfless person who understand that men comes from Mars and have 2 extra brain 'down there', its only rationale to accept why God have made it legal in the first place. PROVIDED the situation is within the affordability of the said men.

A guy friend of mine were quite surprised with my views, although haven't experience sharing partners before, I have consented to something I have no say of the emotional baggage that comes with it.

But if you have put a certain open mindedness in matters like this, the alternatives to problem solving decisions could be widen. Thats how I see it. An inexperienced young person trying to "bertatih" in the world of love.

I haven't update my review blog for awhile huh. I should watch a movie la. Its been awhile. I just got Cinema Paradiso, and watched it halfway without subtitles. Heh. No, not gonna be another annoying movie critic, no worries. Just wanted to watch things that have inspired some people, see if I can get inspired.

Did you guys manage to catch "House of D" on Astro? Its David Duchovny's directorial debut, and Erykah Badu's acting debut and no matter how many times I've watched it (dated wayy back in 2004 when nobody's even heard of the movie), I'll cry, yes, Robin William always make people cry, right. Its a very good movie, in my eyes. Heartfelt. I wrote a review for my friend who needed a movie review for her assignment. She didn't use it tho, but nonetheless, its always nice to help a friend, regardless.

(teringat my ustadz masa sekolah, dia tengok kitaorang in class, 4 girls bergelak ketawa sama sama, during which we were on the topic of "Poligami", he said, "korang ni dah kawan baik baik, senangkan cerita, cari je satu suami kongsi. Kan senang, dah kenal, takde gaduh gaduh". ... amboi, senang je dia cakap kan - tepuk air di dulang, terpercik ke muka sendiri, aiyark! -)


sekedar cerita

she sits up. lying down didn't do her any good. she had been tossing and turning for the last 2 hours. what's wrong with her? she kept asking herself. so, she decided to sit up. and she slowly reach for her handphone.

she scrolled through the text messages. memories. it has been 3 days. she have been keeping the counts. 3 days. or was it since thursday night. should she reveal the whole count, including the seconds. or should she minus the few seconds she surrendered into calling. just to listen to the voice. who, in the other end, would want nothing to do with her. who asked whether she needed time off. when what she wanted at that time is to be closer, to not be parted, for she would lose the company after she had lost the heart.

she told herself, this is not love. she's not in love. she never knew love. she tried hard to fool her heart. but can the heart be fooled by a smart mind. her mind ponders on. while she was sitting. while her thumb was scrolling down the text messages. which bring smiles to her heart. for those time, she was given the attention she needed. she was given the affection she needed. she was loved. she was the 'sayang' she used to be.

she wanted to grab a stick and smoke. but her room condition wouldn't allow it. plus, its too soon to be smoking in the room. she wanted to grab a book to read, but she know she'll end up lost in between the pages, while her thumb kept scrolling down the text messages.

there's a moment in life, when you wonder, what you really want.

there's a moment in life, when you wonder, why they prefer crème brûlée when you are just a simple jell'o, or maybe, bubur kacang.

but can you blame hearts from falling love? when you have been rising in love?

she turned on her laptop and played her itunes, dived inside the comforter and put a pillow on her head.

she slept a good night sleep. she'll sleep until she wakes up again. and start counting the seconds of how hollow her heart beats.

akankah malam itu datang
akankah bintang berjatuhan
akankah cintaku terbalas
akankah hatimu mendengar?
-'Bintang Jatuh' by Tompi-


Monday, January 08, 2007

this is her story

she stood there standing in the driveway. it was a breezy late afternoon. the sun haven't been fierce enough these days, defeated by the clouds who stormed its way to cover the sky. she look up and see the cloudy sky. despite loathing the clouds for not letting in the sun, for she is the sun seeker, she does love the breezy wind that comes with it. it calms her.

she took her racing bike. it was no longer hers, at least, she had no longer ride on it. her dad bought it in 1994. some 12 years ago. when she was 12. the racing bike that she had loved like her sibling. with all her heart. the racing bike that gave her the stamina to be a long distant runner some 10 years ago.

she got up on the bike and starts pedaling. the breezy wind turns into a friend's embrace, embracing her like they haven't met for a very long time. which is true. she haven't cycled for a long time. cycling was part of her life, few years back when she was still in school. she never was a professional cycler, but she took the initiative to learn all aspect of cycling on her own. becos during school breaks, she would cycle 5 to 6 km every single day. with her walkman on her waist and the earphones blasting R&B tunes, she would cycle everywhere. that was then.

she speed past a few boys who were gathering by a hill slope. she speed past some aunties gathering to catch up with the latest neighbourhood gossip. she speed past some girls who just meet up for a walk. then her thighs felt a bit strained from all the speeding. she pedalled slower. she let go of the handle, put her hands on her thighs and enjoyed the wind brushing on her face.

what joy she felt, having that rush again, in her body, in her heart. the same rush when she got the racing bike one fine day in 1994, then she test ride it around the neighbourhood with all the pride in the world. she hold the handles and it took her years back when she would walk the racing bike some 2 km to fix its punctured tyre. her baby. still healthy. but no longer her sibling. no longer her friend. becos she grew up. simply as that.

she reached home. she put the racing bike inside the house. she got into the car. a last gaze towards the neighbourhood. it was her last day there. after 6 years in that neighbourhood. she smiled as she whispers a silent goodbye to the trees, to the grass, to her house, to the road leading to her house, to the wind. there's no tears.

this time, she's not saddened with the end.

this time, she's just eager for the beginning.

this is her story. and it is true, not fiction.



the defeatist

my jokes aren't as funny as hers.

my opinions aren't as interesting as hers.

my problems aren't as alarming as hers.

my stories aren't as amusing as hers.

my sarcasm aren't as cute as hers.

my presence aren't as needed as hers.

my eyes aren't as piercing as hers.

my gazes aren't as exciting as hers.

my embraces aren't as warm as hers.

my kisses aren't as desired as hers.

my touches aren't as caressing as hers.

she's a star.

I'm just a sun-seeker.

you don't need me.

not anymore...