The Cosmic Wise and Crappy Words

Thursday, March 29, 2007

the silence.

where have you been?

she smiled. she slowly reached for my hand. and clutch it. firmly. with love. I can feel the love running from her veins, touching mine. the blood vein connects and flows endlessly. we're one.

I forgot that I just asked her a question. I forgot what question I asked her. I forgot why I would ask her a question.

I was so taken by the rush of blood. the warm blood. from one vein to another. but from a different body. it became one. there's no A or B or O type. there's just one. and we're sharing it.

I lean my head on her shoulders. it went up and down following the rhythm of her breath, inhaling, exhaling.

I took her hands to my mouth and kissed it. I want to feel her on my lips. I want her to feel my warm lips.

we sat there. in silence. sharing the rush of blood. sharing the warmth of hands. sharing the silence.

time stand still. air didn't move. something magical happened.

I love...

no, it didn't matter.

words will only spoil everything.

she slowly kiss my eyebrow, first the left, then the right.she land her forehead on mine and whispered something. I can barely hear it. I didn't want to ask for her to repeat it.

no, it didn't matter.

repeating will only spoil everything.

I got to go baby.


I just have to go.

Take me with you.

No, I can't.

Take me. Please.

No baby. Its not fair. Thats not fair.

I ...

no, it didn't matter.

words will only spoil everything.

I felt helpless.

I can't do anything.

I just sat there and watch her leave.

She was not there when I woke up.

She was never there, even from the beginning.


Wednesday, March 28, 2007

the greatest feeling

Yesterday, I was chatting with a friend.

She asked: So, how are you?

I replied: I'm GREAT!!!

She questioned whether "alco" got something to do with me feeling great.

Simply, its not nico, alco or caffein made me feel GREAT yesterday.

It was ...

the great view from 86th floor of Petronas Twin Tower (okay, I'm not sure whether its Tower 1 or Tower 2).

the presence of such an inspiring world leader and sitting at the same conference table.

the smiles and glances as he spoke.

the knowledge gain from the small meeting.

the mingling between people who works with the inspiring world leader.

the Petronas Twin Tower Skybridge.

the meeting of two bloggers, who knew each other way back when blogspot was introduced and who got not only acquainted, but shared some mutual connection with each other.

the browsing books at Kinokunya.

the buying cds for mom who wanted to have Ning's Ultimate Collection and a present of Sean Ghazi's debut album for mom to listen to in her new car.

the buying of Jamiroquai's DVD collection (this is double wow!!! okay, WOW WOW!!!)

the driving back home with a permanent smile carved on the face.

..... ..... .....

I'm not yet 25. But the past 2 days made me feel like I'm so ready to challenge myself to be a great and well-respected 30 year old. I'll post some pictures in my flickr later, so only privileged friends will get the chance of of seeing the view from THE 86th floor.



Tuesday, March 27, 2007

the small things (that comes with images)

Before I start, let me introduce you to Cosmic iPaq!

I haven't been updating for a few days. not to say that I'm busy plus with the internet at home, I have nothing going against me. except the willingness to blog. I check my blog constantly, to see who came by, to see who dropped by and just, to visit and revisit my beloved writings. yes, I love this crap so much, much more than, errrrr, than that heavenly chocolate ice cream or vanilla coke, I guess. eheheheh....

..... ..... .....


yesterday, for the first time, I emcee'd an event. a big one. well, I've been emcee'ing before, for even a larger crowd, (no, that was not emcee'ing, I was the forum moderator), but that aside, this one was quite, err, meaningful, for me.

I was pretty tensed up before the event.

I was dying for a big comforting HUG then.

I didn't find it.

I went on still. And did quite okay. For me, I'd say I did quite okay. If others told me it was good, it was quite good, I'm grateful. But, I was quite okay.

On the way home, I need to share my excitement, my stories, with someone. But my loved ones were busy at work.

But this loved one, who had, or actually, has, endless work, cared enough to slot, a good hour for me.

with lots of hugs, kisses, comforting smiles, lots of laughter and yeah, some ass pinching (hahaha!), from quite okay, I think I did great! (yeah, just like telling a drunk how good he/she is, of course he/she is doing GREAT!)

last night, with a glass of milo ice, and a can of coke, I'm drunk. but what's intoxicating, is the presence of the person.

yes babe, I'm dedicating this to you, my No.1 Priority!!! Thanks for last night. Thanks for the LONG hug! I couldn't imagine how I would feel after sitting for my milo ice alone thinking how lonely I am to not have anyone to share my achievement yesterday.

fozzy and abby

..... ..... .....


I mentioned before the weekend started, that I got a bit sappy and decided to devote the weekend to spending time at home, and I did. Last Sunday, I was supposed to send something for someone at the office and I decided to bring my mom along. Had some quality time with her, talks in the car and yes, despite the fact I always whine about how to survive an entire day with her, its just me being a woman who loves over exaggerating things. I actually can't picture myself surviving WITHOUT her.

I took her to Kelab Tasik Putrajaya and we had a good time there. And good thing, I remembered to take out my camera (I bring my camera everywhere, but I seldom take it out of my bag) and snap some pictures of her.

mama yati

..... ..... .....


I had enough of the Telekom not finalising the phone line transfer since I moved to Selayang in January, so I decided to storm in the TMPoint Maluri outlet with a hell lot of sarcasm in my bagpack. Having to leave the house a bit late and arriving right at 12pm on its doorstep, I saw the notice "TM Point sudah berpindah ke Menara Maxisegar" .... APA NERAKA???!!!!

Okay, being in Maluri, filled with anger and madness (No, this is not spartaaaaa! hehehe), I decided to call Salmi, who actually lives in Subang, and asked her out for lunch provided that I go pick her up. Yes, at that moment, Subang felt just like 5 kms away from Maluri.

So, I went to fetch her and got this crazy idea of joining Muid at Sungei Wang and we end up spending time until 9.30pm before I send her back to Subang and drove back home to Selayang. Yes, in Selangor, everything is near. Maluri-Subang-Selayang. Its like errr, 5 kms away from each other. Its like Menara Maxis-Menara ExxonMobil-Menara Standard Chartered. Heh.

And I got to purchase my second pair of shoes this month (please kill me!!! abs turning to a bloody shopaholic!!). A nice pair of Hush Puppies loafers (IN GREEN!!!) owh, this is because my beloved sandal (which Muid bought in Singapore and I treasure so much!) tercabut tali!!!! Hahaha, alasan!

the chermin freaks!

..... ..... .....


Friday, March 23, 2007

as part of reminiscing

its been awhile
it had been raining these couple of nights.

I miss her
She hasn't been around to comfort me.

I drove to work
I carefully find some time to glance up
My eyes searched for her
But she's nowhere there.

Could it be possible that its all the cloud's doing
To take us apart from each other?

Could it be possible that its all her heart's desire
To actually forget about me?

Or ... was it me?

Who didn't work hard enough

To keep her by my side.

I miss my moon.

A woman in love wrote "you only have to learn how to recognize this important relationship and the world will definitely seem much brighter, the stars are reachable and that the moon is yours to keep."

I didn't keep my moon carefully.

Now I question whether it's actually mine to keep.



trying to understand

Recently, a blogger friend's mother just passed away. We hope God bless her soul and give strength to the family to carry on life. We pray to different God, but we share the same feelings, the same grief, and we hold hands when we need comfort, regardless.

I've always pictured how life would be if I were put in that situation, losing someone I love so much.

Someone whom I rarely tell her how much I love her.

Someone whom I constantly go to, and sleeps under her armpits, even at the age of 24.

I'm the kind of person who's spoilt with affection, not luxury or material.

I'm not embarassed to say that I demanded to be breastfed until I was 8. Just becos I love the fact that I would be on my mom's lap, in her arms.

A friend once heard me speaking to my mom, and she said she liked the way how I speaks to my mom, there's a certain charming way that was noticeable. But it was sad when I remembered there were MORE times when I sarcastically raised my voice to my mom.

We should all remind each other while we remind ourselves.

We should all remind ourselves what others went through.

In life, we take note.

Not just by jotting it down on papers, not by making mental notes.

But carving it permanently in our hearts.

So when times the papers went missing,

or the mind fails to retrieve.

We feel something in our hearts.

I actually have a date tonight. After so long. But, suddenly, I felt like cuddling under my mom's armpit while watching tv. That shud be the best.

*tearing up.*

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Wednesday, March 21, 2007

New in the Abyss

New Additions:

I've compiled my "she" stories and put it in another different label - Her tears. Joy or sorrow. All hers.

My Take My Hand ... Walk with Me... would consist of poems and other stories.

Soon to come will be Bicara Sang Penglipulara, on my malay writings.

All links are available at the sidebar on your right side there. Right side. Kanan. Tangan makan belah mana sayang oiii? hehehehehe....


the desire

I recently told a friend, I need to start traveling, by the time I reach 30 years old, I should cover Asia.

Having my passport done recently, landing on a decent job, maybe not so much well-paid off but enough to survive and be merry and also, committing to a fair share of debts, made me realise that I am grown up. I'm an adult. Whatever I do now, is merely my own responsibilities. Bad or good. Right or wrong. On my own expenses, my own debts, my own judgements. Though I do always consider second opinions from friends and families, but, it dawned to me that now, I am, if not fully, at least 3 quarter, control of my life.

Some friends were taken by surprise with some new changes I have had. Developing new lifestyle and habit not to be mention here, but what I can say, its not that I didn't want to indulge in them earlier as everyone else did, but it felt more comfortable (should I even use that word?) doing it with my own money. At least I don't look back regretting the fact that I've indulged in bad things using my parents' money and whatnot.

And now, it comes to traveling. I really need to travel. When I was 12, I read a malay novel about a girl who just picked up her bags, hopped on a bus and went to a resort where she has no friends, no family whatsoever, but found work and love there. And at that time, I knew I wanted to be like her. Then again, thats all bullshit talking becos its truly fiction and you dont easily find work and love like that. Hahahaha.

But the idea to get away, to escape, just for a moment, was what got into me. And that got translated into traveling.

I know this is just writing per se, who knows, it might be 'hangat-hangat tahi ayam'. But, let me dream, desire and plan. God will decide the rest.

I'm looking forward to my first trip. Singapore. Let it be the nearest one first. Bak kata Muid, buat warm-up dulu. I got a few contacts there, and they wouldn't mind working out for leave if I were to go there and host me around. That should be cool. I don't even want to sleep. I want to walk everywhere. Yes, I'm that bagpacker, budget traveler type. I'm game. Hahaha, living in hostel for nearly 8 years and a total of 10 years away from family throughout high school and university, I know my shit on being independent. Though right now I am staying with my folks, I'm giving in all those lost years they've sent me away (tak jauh pun, tapi, I'm the only child among my 5 siblings sent to boarding school at an early age, thats should be considered!). But since I'm giving it all, staying in Selayang and torturing myself to commute to work in Putrajaya, I should be given the outlet as per traveling, right? (well, I think I do deserve it).

So, this year, the plan should be Singapore, then Angkor Watt (if Muid agrees) or maybe somewhere with a beach at least.


This coming Monday, for the second time, I'll be emcee'ing an event at the Foundation. But .... this time, a bigger event, with one of the world's greatest leader. Woah, such a recognition, but not one, not two, but a country of dragonflies are breeding in my (flat) tummy. hehehe.

Its good to be given such trust by boss, but ..... my biggest weakness is INSECURITY of my own abilities. Thats when I'll constantly question myself again and again if I'm worthy the recognition, the trust.

The first event was a small ceremony with not so many people, though it was formal with few great academicians, I skipped a few lines, stumbled a few words and was quite 'kalut' (obviously visible, my 'kalut'ness). Though boss said I did well, I know I could've done better if I was calmer. But that was my first time. Warm up.

Can you warm up just once in a swimming pool then simply jump into the great big ocean?

At this time, I seriously need lots of HUGS!!! Any GIVERS???



Monday, March 19, 2007

back from breakfast

it was a break, and it was quite fast. hehehe.

I like it fast and damaging (break).

anyways, yeah, the weekend was quite cool. considering the fact that I had no PARTY AT ALL despite not having parents around. but what I had was, driving and mengopi with a friend, mostly indulging in lots of caffein and nicotine (yes muid, those stuff which cause cavities as stated in your blog, and I haven't gone for scaling for a long time too).

these days, I'm quite addicted to conversations, mamak hangouts and drive around windows down .... the other night was the best, becos we found an empty parking lot, sat at the curb and was talking about how the brazilians got to speak portugese, and the Spaniards occupation of south America which led to the KHTI journey to South East Asia. and we got dragged to singing some songs from South Park the movie. hehehe, I should not state which song here. hahahaha. it was enlightening, the hangout session.

I didn't feel left out with not partying. One of the reasons of course becos my friends are all bound to work during the weekends. But, somehow, I'd prefer the parking lot session. Watching the stars. Goofing up on movie soundtracks. You don't need a lot of friends, one or two, those who would get your joke.

Last Friday, I met an old friend whom I haven't meet for a year or two. It was great seeing her becos she's so cute and lovable. But, the conversation went around her failed 8 yr relationship which actually ended 2 years ago. She's clinging to her past and as a friend, as much as I don't want her to cling on to it, but I have to accept what she chooses. I can advise not to, but if she felt comfortable like that, she's a big girl, she's entitled to her own decisions. She's living a single life right now, but I know its hard for those who are in long-term relationship to adjust to singlehood.

Being single for my entire life (having said that, I must admit there are scandals, flings and yes, falling in love which is not reciprocated), I don't know, one day, if I ever found a guy, would he be doing all these with me. I'm pretty much contented with what I have right now. It'll be hard to change someone to suit my preferences, or change myself to suit someone's preferences.


owh, I got a poem. heh. I wrote it while I was waiting for my car at the carwash (tiba2 ada soundtrack christina aguilera's carwash).

must I add that I wrote it down in my new HPiPaq given by Muid (second hand la kan) as my belated birthday gift? hehehehehehe ...... let us pray iPhone datang malaysia awal so Muid can buy it and be the techie idol of everyone.

Thanks Muid!!! Sayang Kamu Bangat!!!!!!!!!

So, if you see this scruffy short hair girl in cute tiny tops and long pants/torn jeans (you wont catch me wearing a skirt okay!) busy tapping her stylus on her HPiPaq while indulging her guilty (but necessity) pleasures, that might be me... probably within the vicinity of Pusat Bandar Damansara, the Curve or One Utama la kot. Hahaha.

owh yes, yes, the poem. a simple one. sementelaah melihat kereta ku dicuci sambil ku sedut air coke yang nyaman.

There are voices in my head.
There are words in my throat.
There are feelings in my heart.
And all of them aren't mine.

I'm not alone.
There are a lot of people who have these as well...

But to whom does all these belongs to?
Where does all these comes from?

(sila la jawab dengan pantun 2 kerat okeh!)

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the long leave

sorry I haven't been updating my blog. I was on leave since thursday. Though on leave, I played the parental role at home and had to go through the torturing process of having my passport done. The story? hurm.

First of all, being born in Sarawak was no privilege as I thought it would be. Well, the birth certificate looks kinda cool and whatnot, but, being a Sarawak born to a Semenanjung parents, I am the step-child of Sarawak and got double standard in the Peninsular.

I went at the Immigration Department at Pusat Bandar Damansara around 10am, after the hassle of filling up forms, photocopying my IC and taking pictures, I went to take my number only to find out at the counter that if I'm a Sarawak born applying passport for the first time, I have to bring my birth certificate.

So, I went back to my car, wanted to rush home to get it, only to find that my tyres were clamped. okayla, tyre was clamped. satu tayar je kan. blew off RM30 (thats a whole lunch for the kids okay!) got back this time with my younger sister (mula sebab nak suruh dia jaga kereta, hahahahaha). Got my number, 200 people in front of me, sheessshhh... So went to Damansara Perdana, settled some bank errands, got back to Pusat Bandara Damansara, had lunch at Subway, went back to the Immigration counters and waaalah, my number is up! heh.

Lepas tu dah pergi kat counter, my IC plak cannot be read by the chip, apparently the chip was rosak (hahaha- not a surprise la, not the first time pun), so had to run down to the Registration Department and make new IC. Took me about 20 minutes there, since only 2 counters open to accommodate the need of 5 waiting people. Government. heh. then ran back upstairs only to know that my application got problem becos they need to either refer it to the Sarawak state (this might take a whole month, or maybe 2) or declare my parents are from Peninsular (this requires both of their IC photocopy). I had neither time for both. I had to call up my father who was in Manila, and he was at that time couldn't help me as he was in a panic state of losing my mother at the other end of the mall (gosh!!!), he did manage to tell me where to look for it tho, had to call my brother at home and guide him to the files. After retrieving my mom's IC no, the immigration officer came up to me with a printed paper of my mom's detail asking "ini mak awak kan?". lah, bukan tak boleh check database, kan senang, buat susah saya menelefon macam orang gila ke sana sini sahaja. and I had to endure my dad's high voice and my brother's screaming at me, with the already tensed up state of mind from waiting for so long.

anyways, after that, waited for they process the documents, paid the fee and was told to come the next day (Friday) to pick up my passport. It was 4pm by then.

I'm getting tired just rewriting all these. I'm going to have my breakfast now.


Tuesday, March 13, 2007

for the one I had to apologise to

I thought I was getting old
When I didn't remember the day you got older

I thought I was a good friend
Until I forgot the birthday of a great friend

Then again...

What is aging if not to be embraced?

What is remembering if we can't accept the fact that we will forget?

This is for the one who I love dearly
For a friend who is so unique
For her uniqueness makes her stand out from the crowd
Even though I know she doesn't like crowded places.

This is for the friend who I known for nearly 3 years
For she had left me here for nearly 6 months (or 6 months to be exact?)
For her presence felt greater through absence
Even though I know my saying that makes no sense at all

This is for her who I respect so much
For her focus and strength
For her loving and care
Even though its hard to get through just plainmutual friendship

Right now I am missing her so much
Right now I'm feeling so guilty that I want to cry but am at the office so cannot (hahaha)
Right now I'm imagining her daily dosage of big hugs that she promises me when she comes back home
Right now ... I'm waiting for her to read this.
Right now ... I'm expecting her to smile.

Here's to a young lady who just recently turned 24 last Saturday, 10th March 2007.

Here's to a young lady who can beat the Gilmore Girls with her words-per-second record.

Here's to a friend. Who grew inside my heart.

Here's to Farisa.

(sorry, I so wanna make a birthday toast but lets save it for June ya!

the thought

sometimes, its quite heartbreaking ... when someone you love so much, tells you that they're lonely. you just wanted to scream to their faces telling "I'M HERE!!!"

sometimes, its quite unfair ... to tell someone who you know loves you so much, confesses their love to you constantly, that you're lonely and in need of love.

I had those heartbreaking moments.

I have yet to be unfair to others (not that I know off) becos they haven't confess their love to me, not even once (let alone constantly).



Monday, March 12, 2007

additional items

heh, rasa mcm tajuk email pejabat plak.

well, my friend asked me to include this as something weird and people would find new from me.

7. I used to love playing tennis without my shoes. Yes, I love the heat. so, habis la blisters at my feet. But I did love playing tennis barefoot in the middle of the day.

sekian, harap maklum.

(take note that I might be lying, and yes, I'm not working too, and also a potential murderer).



rintihan seorang blogger wanita di Malaysia

mentang mentang saya tidak bekerja dengan kerajaan. bersama teman teman se'blogger yang lain, saya dituduh menipu umat, tidak menyokong perpaduan, dan walaupun bekerja keras mencari sesuap nasi, juga dituduh tidak bekerja.

mesti ibu bapa saya fikir saya hanya mengabih kan boreh kerana keluar sebelum matahari terbit, pulang ketika matahari dah lama terbenam, dan mendapat pendapatan yang tidak diketahui mana datangnya.

yelah, saya kan hanya blogger.

penipu dan tidak bekerja.

susah juga menjadi perempuan ini.

tahniah kepada semua bloggers lelaki yang bekerja dan bercakap benar serta menyokong perpaduan.

owh, saya juga adalah antara barisan yang bakal membunuh bangsa lain juga.

sekian, harap maklum.




okayla .... I'm doing it. Since I've been officially tagged.

6 Weird things about me (which comes to no surprise):-

1. I like to bite my own hands when I make a mistake or when I feel guilty.

2. I like to coordinate my washings (laundry) and if someone puts my clothes in the washing machine, I'd go berserk and at some point can redo the washing all over again.

3. I can go nuts when I starts ironing, I can go even nuts that I start ironing my bra.

4. I like to read outloud. Novels I mean. Quite tiring at some point la.

5. I like to suck my thumb. Not only during sleeping time. It just makes me feel connected to myself, I mean my old self (the baby abby).

6. I will sing alone loudly in the car and when I get the lyrics wrong, I can laughed like hell. Owh, and there's this one time, I was so sleepy while driving (which reminds me never, I mean, NEVER to drink milk before I drive in the morning) that I slap myself and screamed at myself, scolding myself like a mad woman.


hurm ... maybe thats just like 1/100 of the weird things that I do. Don't make me start. Please don't ...



Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Public Display of Affection

P.D.A (We Just Don't Care) by (the orgasmic) John Legend

Let's go to the park
I wanna kiss you underneath the stars
Maybe we'll go too far
We just don't care
We just don't care
We just don't care

You know I love it when you're loving me
But sometimes it's better when it's publicly
I'm not ashamed, I don't care who sees
us hugging and kissing, a love exibition, oh

We'll rendezvous out on the fire escape
I'd like to set off an alarm today
A love emergency don't make me wait
Just follow, I'll lead you
I urgently need you

Let's go to the park
I wanna kiss you underneath the stars
Maybe we'll go too far
We just don't care
We just don't care
We just don't care

Let's make love,
let's go somewhere they might discover us
Let's get lost in lust
We just don't care
We just don't care
We just don't care

I see you're closing down the restaurant
Let's sneak and do it when your boss is gone
Everybody's leaving, we'll have some fun
Oh, maybe it's wrong, but you're turnin' me on

Oh, we'll take a visit to your mama's house
Creep to the bedroom while your mama's out
Maybe she'll hear it when we scream and shout,
but we'll keep it rockin' until she comes knockin'

Let's go to the park
I wanna kiss you underneath the stars
Maybe we'll go too far
We just don't care
We just don't care
We just don't care

Let's make love,
let's go somewhere they might discover us
Let's get lost in lust
We just don't care
We just don't care
We just don't care

If we keep up all this foolin' around
We'll be the talk of the town
I'll tell the world of our love any time
Let's open the blinds
'Cause we really don't mind

Let's go to the park
I wanna kiss you underneath the stars
Maybe we'll go too far
We just don't care
We just don't care
We just don't...

Let's make love,
let's go somewhere they might discover us
Let's get lost in lust...
[ Lyrics found on ]

I'm so in love with that song, and yes, being a very affectionate person (this is a testimony given by a friend too), I am all up for P.D.A. I think people who went to my brother's birthday party last 2 weeks can see my closeness and affection towards my baby (but large) brother. I had the 45kg 12 year old sit on my lap and hugged him from behind and we played some head to head cuddly bumps, he was playing with my fingers and this was all done in public. And when boys his age used to draw themselves apart from the sisters for kisses in public, mine doesn't seem to care. Its his kak yang and he doesn't give a flying f**k about anything else. I would constantly kiss him on escalators and at restaurants and he just allows it. It might in some ways look quite eeiii-apasal-mengade-ngade-sangat-kakak-dia-tuh to some people, well, we just don't give a flying f**k. Hehehehe.

I have also done some P.D.A. during my younger dating-spree years. I've kissed someone on a bus (yes, cheap back seat action), at the bus stop (yes, before boarding the bus) and at an LRT station (yeap, still the same guy and the same night). Hahaha. So, I think, its kinda fun to kiss underneath the stars. Haven't done it in a park tho, with the current ruling, I'd go on the "get a room!" option.

Its a good thing I'm single (and available, ngehngehngeh) cos I might annoy people with my constant P.D.A. with the boyfriend. Hehehe.

But, there are some limitations to it. And when the limitation exists, I would suggest to anyone, to "get a bloody room"! hehehe.

Have an affectionately loving day people!!!

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Tuesday, March 06, 2007

she with the golden smile

its nice to remember someone's smile.
even though you never seen it.

its nice to remember someone's laugh.
even though you never heard it.

its nice to remember someone's hug.
even though you never felt it.

its nice to remember someone's kiss.
even though you never taste it.

it felt nice.
because your mind imagine the nice things.
like fairy tales.
where love lives happily ever after.

life in reality
is hard.
is cruel.
is sad.

so its nice to remember.
while you sit at the bank of the moonriver.
while you fly to the moon.
while you sing in the rain.

remember me.
even if you have never met me.


Monday, March 05, 2007

the passion fruit

kalau di alih bahasakan tajuk entri ini, maka ia mungkin menjadi "buah keghairahan". hehehe.

it was a great weekend, which had opened my eyes to things I have taken forgranted. There were times you thought you knew better but apparently, you don't. Then, you just sit down for awhile and have that thinking moment, rationalising everything and you know how to face the adversities in life, which later, turns out to be not an adversity, but just, part of life that you should embrace. Because that what makes who you are.

But having that time of the month and being young, I could not escape from having this need to complaint, whine and just feel angry towards some things. And fortunately, I've dealt with most of them maturely.

Sometimes its pretty tiring to be matured, because you need some moment to be stupid and just young-blooded, with the temper, the rage and the foolish bit. Its tiring to always be wise and smart. It is. And to try to be wise, smart and matured, its more tiring, because thats what I'm striving for, to be a wise, smart and matured person that I'm not.

But ... at the end of the day, as much as you whine and compaint and sulk, you know yourself better. You know why you do the things you do. You know why you choose to do the things you do. You know your other options. You are aware of the whole situation. And you know your own capability in dealing with the problem or situation.

And at the end of the day, I just needed someone who trust me, who has faith in me, and tell me "its okay, things will be fine. I know you can handle it. You always do".

Recently, I realised that I am a passionate person, but its hard for me because passion + sarcasm = very very bad impression and will hurt people. So in most conversation, I usually goofed up, trying to be the full with my sarcastic remarks. By no means would I want to intentionally hurt anyone, but thats just me. There are times, I would want to speak my opinion but other people's seem more interesting that mine. So I keep quiet and play dumb goofball.

maybe I should have more fruits, more passion fruits. So I can joyfully share my passion during conversations.

Yes, I am not a great conversationalist.



Friday, March 02, 2007

losing interest

I'm a person of excuses. Not many people like that, I mean, would like a person full of excuses.

No, this is not a sad entry. Merely just a statement. A thought. Maybe I should just stick to poetry. Okay, I'll try one now.


- A momento -

In this moment.
As for this moment.
There's a thought.
Of you.

The thought that consist
of only you.

Your smile.
Your smell.
Your eyes.
Your hand.

The way you talk.
The words you spoke.
Your sigh.
Your chuckle.

You breathe passion.
The passion of your breath.
Translated to love.

In this moment.
As for this moment.
All I can think about
is you.

In this moment.
As for this moment.
I'm smiling.


The wise Rumi said:-
“Look at Love...
how it tangles
with the one fallen in love .”


“To praise the sun is to praise your own eyes.”


Recently, the Secretary-General of the Pakistan Muslim League, Senator Mushahid Hussain Sayed has suggested that in search of peace, we should take account of the teachings of Maulana Jalaluddin Rumi on a global level. It was a good suggestion as to place an example to follow, we must choose the right example, and I can't think of anyone better than Rumi himself and totally agreed with the Senator in this issue. I know most of us are unaware of this sufi poet in the 13th Century because the only poets we know nowadays are Avril Lavigne, Jay Z, Kenya West and probably Good Charlotte (seriously, I don't at all listen to Good Charlotte, am not that fond of Avril Lavigne, I don't know any of Jay Z'z songs and only can take some of Kenya West's songs, I'm a bit outdated because I listen to Light& Easy (",).)

To read the full article, you can either click here or click here.

Well, I just got involve in reading sufism and I found it very very relaxing, calming and inspiring. So, why not, in order to have peace, you must first be a relaxed, calm and inspiring person right?

Its Friday, there are gloomy clouds out there somewhere, but there are also birds chirping, kids laughing and people in love. Weakness is just a reminder than You Are Human. What I wrote before is just to remind myself, if not others, that, we are HUMAN and its okay to be whiny, to break down and feel sad. It doesn't mean I don't know how to get up, have a laugh, brush the dust off and go ahead with life.



Thursday, March 01, 2007

a very weak entry

I have this thing in me. That I hate at times. Becos, I don't know how honest, sincere and truthful I am, even when I am.

I have the ability to write good things about my friends. Sometimes, it seems as if I worship them. But, can you blame a loner when God blessed her with such nice warm strangers who wanted to shower her with attention, affection and love? How can I not be grateful with all the nice words in the whole wide world for them.

But a friend told me. That she, or they, are actually blessed to have the opportunity of being my friends. If I admit to that, wouldn't I appear arrogant? Thinking I'm the best friend anyone could have?

No, I am indeed not. I question myself my worth.

Yesterday, I was questioned, not by myself, but by my mom. And its harder. Knowing that not only you question yourself, but this person, who have carried you in her for 9 months, who milked you, who raised you, who tended to you when you had all your sickness and whatnot, questioned you, the worthiness of all the efforts. Your work. Your friendship. and Your Life.

She has the right.

But ... I was too tired to dwell on it last night, that I slept on the problem.

If what served me right is to be a loner, maybe thats it. A communications practitioner to a loner.

I remember when I was younger. Yes, a happy adorable little girl who's curious on just about every single thing on earth. I used to be very very charming and bright and was getting attention all around, not because I'm pretty, but because I'm witty. Since I was young. I would gaily laugh, charmingly tease and adorably cling to everyone who is older than me. Then, my parents started moving around and I started making friends and it was so hard that I decided to be quiet, to not mix and mingle in fear of losing the friends I love. I turned to be the lone ranger. Until in a PTA meeting, my teacher asked my mother why I was very quiet in class and my mom burst out in laughter, "dia ni cikgu, kat rumah, tak berhenti cakap, kalau gelak tu, nak terkeluar semua gigi".

Now that I'm out in the world. To once again, gaily laugh with friends, to charmingly tease them and adorably clinging to those who cared enough, I was questioned why would I need all that when I can survive, and had survived all these while being the lone ranger, the loner.

If I were selfish, I would not join an NGO.

If I were selfish, I would not share and reach out through my blog.

I'm a selfless person and people question that. It seems that all the effort I had made to prove myself that I am selfless, have failed to no avail.

Thats my biggest weakness. The inability to prove my worthiness. And I don't have the confidence to admit that I am even close to be worthy. Of it all.

Having said all these, I know it might put me in a judgemental microscope on how low self-esteem I had.

I see this weakness as not a result to low self-esteem.

I see this weakness as an anchor that pulls me back on earth, to constantly remind me that there are a lot of space that I need to improve, that there are a lot of things I need to give to the world and I'm not there yet.

Its a positive weakness. Its just tiring thinking of the same questions all over again. And a bit saddening to be lectured by my mom for an hour on something I am trying hard to justify in my own life.

I tried by every means that I can to learn on how to see God in everything in my life. I respect and love my family with all my heart. I adore and love my friends so much. I try to share and reach out for people in my blog. I work hard to stay in this foundation and to make history breathes without fail.

if being selfless is a weakness. then I am the weakest person I know.

if you think by reading this makes you feel weak. I'll apologise and will not advise you to come here again.