I'm gonna love you just a little more

yes, there's nothing absolute, not even love.

but it won't hurt to love just a little more.

and there's no where else I can hear my favorite Barry White song, I'm Gonna Love You Just a Little More if not on TraxFM (90.30fm in Klang Valley - promote nih, kena claim royalty!) in the middle of the afternoon.

In the hot sunny afternoon on my way back from the bank, I listen to Barry White's sexy voice giving me hope in giving it just a little more faith in love.

So, why not.

----- # -----

It feels so good
You lying here next to me
Oh, what a groove
You have no idea how it feels
My hands just won't keep still
I love you, baby
Oh, I love you, I love you, I love you
I just wanna hold you
Run my fingers through your hair
Ooh
Outta sight
Uh-huh, right there, you like it like that
Closer
Come here, closer, close
Oh, baby
Oh, baby

Give it up, ain't no use
I can help myself if I'd wanted to
I'm hung up, no doubt
I'm so in love with you, for me there's no way out

'Cause deeper and deeper
In love with you I'm falling
Sweeter and sweeter
Your tender words of love keeps calling

Eager and eager, yeah
To feel your lips upon my face
Please her and please her
Any time or any place

I'm gonna love you, love you
Love you just a little more, baby
I'm gonna need you, need you
Need you every day
I'm gonna want you, want you
Want you in every way

???Make no mistake??? for I'll hold back knowin'
This time it looks like lover is here to stay
As long as I shall live
I'll give you all I have and all I have to give

'Cause please her and please her
Any time or any place
Eager and eager
To feel your sweet lips on my face

Deeper and deeper
In love with you I'm falling, yeah
Sweeter and sweeter
Your tender words of love keeps calling

I'm gonna love you, love you
Love you just a little more, baby
I'm gonna need you, need you
Need you every day
I'm gonna want you, want you
Want you in every way

----- # -----

It feels so good, doesn't it. To be loving. Don't make it obsolete, nor absolute.

Just enough, and ... maybe sometimes ... a little bit more.

.

absolutely a charming sense

There are two quotes I recently heard which have me lots of thinking. These quotes, said by a very wise and respectful leader, have got my brain working extra hours voluntarily.

“There is nothing absolute, there is no such thing of absolute anything”

and

“Common sense is something that is not common”.

I wanted to point out about “no such thing of absolute anything” with regards to love. I don’t think I can say, “I absolutely LOVE you” because there is nothing absolute, there must be some limitations to it.

I came across this because I recently realise, I can love a bit too much, and sometimes, love is never scarce so I can pretend that love can be endless. But it is not.

However, I can say that when you’re truly in love, you can be the most forgiving person.

Love is about understanding, toleration, trust and forgiveness.

This does not limit to love in terms of couplehood. This includes family, friends and the rest.

I have done lots of things that might disappoint my parents, coming home late at night or wee hours of the morning, being questioned the morning later (or probably the afternoon because I will only get up the earliest around 12pmm if I had my late night outings) and last weekend, for the first time, my dad gave me his thoughts on my coming home late via sms.

But they will always be forgiving. They didn’t yell or kick me out of the house. My mom would always let me sleep on her lap and my dad will never fail to give his tender kisses every morning before I left for work.

And I can assure you, even with someone whom I fell in love with, no matter what, I will always be forgiving, and I know how many mistakes I make, the other person would always find ways to make me understand the consequences of my actions and will tolerate and forgive. Apologies will be accepted. Well, at least for the time being.

With regards to the second quote, on common sense, having such sense is not so common. And not being in the common group is something I can certainly relate to.

I was in a discussion with a couple of friends recently. I told them, someone once asked me, if I come across a billboard at the highway, which one would I notice first, the images or the wordings?

I told her that I might see the images first. But actually, to be frank, I actually couldn’t determine which would come first because, everything would appear as it is, and I would personally choose to acknowledge the small TM or © at the end of the brand or probably the slight dimple at the corner of the model’s lips.

Both of my friends to whom I discussed the matter with are those who would notice the visual/images first. They’re probably the creative ones. The person who initially brought up the subject and asked me are one of those who would caught the wordings first.

The discussion went on the next day when we asked each other what our childhood ambitions were. Lining up some of them, I realised, mine were not the common ones.

Among my childhood ambitions were to be a VIP (Very Important Person) and a thinker. A friend blurted out that I might think I’m a smart-ass (nak tunjuk dia pandai la tuh) when I said “a thinker”. It’s just so happened that I like to think and just, you know, think. No matter how burdening it might be, how heavy my thoughts can get, I just like the idea of me thinking.

Sometimes, I even can let go of my work and get to think of other people’s problems.

That’s just me. It’s not to say that I’m a smarty pants or whatever, but I just like to think, regardless the level of importance and significance of the issue to me or to the world, I just like to think.

----- # -----

On the lighter side, I got into a deep conversation with my 11 year old (12 in September) brother yesterday. I asked him about his studies and friends and of course, girlfriend (s).

For the first time, he told me that he does like some of the girls at school. And he said that he like girls with short hair. I kind of felt flattered because some of the things that he likes in girls can be associated to me. Heh. I know its purely coincidental but it kind of gave me a slight smile of pride in my brother.

Later towards the night, there was a discussion on age and he said “Kak Yang umur 25 tahun.”

I said, “Tak, kak yang bukan 25 tahun” because I believe, until I have my 25th birthday later this year, I would still be 24. Yes, typical huh.

He replied, “Okay la. Kak Yang umur 20 tahun”.

What a charmer! Hehehehehee …..


.

the wake

I need a change. A little one. Just some small change.

Because I get tired easily, I get bored easily.

But its hard to change because what you wanted most is comfort, and you only get comfort from the thing that you're used to usually.

Maybe I want to change but I need the comfort.

Do we always get what we want and did we ever try hard enough for what we need?


.

kenapa perasaan bersalah menggelumit diri?

tidak salah untuk berasa bersalah. tetapi tidak salah juga untuk merasakan apa yang dirasai.

saya rasa tidak adil.

kerana saya rasa tidak diperlukan.

kerana terdapat sesuatu ketika, saya amat diperlukan, dan sekelip mata, saya tidak diperlukan.

mungkin si dia merasakan tidak mahu membebankan saya.

mungkin.

tetapi, apabila kita sudah jelaskan betapa akurnya kita terhadap cinta yang ditawarkan, terhadap kasih yang akan diberi, terhadap perhatian yang tidak akan berbelah bahagi, apabila disisihkan begitu sahaja, perasaan kecewa melemaskan fikiran.

saya ingin merajuk.

hati ini sudah berkali kali berkecai ke lantai, tetapi saya kutip, cantumkan dan tidak jemu menyayangi.

adakah saya tidak diperlukan lagi?

hanya si dia yang mampu memberi jawapan.

tetapi si dia tidak nampak semua ini. baginya, ini tidak penting.

saya kecil hati.

perlukah saya memaklumkan bahawa saya merajuk, bahawa saya kecil hati?

atau seorang diri, di malam yang sepi, saya biarkan perasaan ini memakan hati.

kemudian. apabila hati kuat kembali. tunduklah tubuh mengutip serpihan hati yang berkecai. dicantumkan. dan kembali menyayangi.

when you love someone, its not fair to be mad at that person for not showing that they care, because falling in love is your own responsibility, something you should know to take account of, nothing you should burden the one you love endlessly.

.

under construction

apologies in advance.

I might mess up my template. in means of being experimental and trying new stuff.

There won't be much updates. I want to concentrate on photologging on my flickr (tho my camera have been kidnapped from me) and do some reading.

Sick is not an excuse to demand attention or affection.

People just seems to give them voluntarily. heh.

.

in the mood for love

maybe its because that I'm sick

I give in.

these days I'm into photologging and trying to experiment photoshop, since I'm a photoshop dummy.

I didn't go to work today, was on sick leave. But, aside from the prescribed drugs the doctor gave me, I got supplementary cure from the affection of friends. a warm hug and just having the positive curing presence is simply great. I know I wasn't much of a company tho, considering my moodswing provided by the second day of period.

but, it didn't matter.

I gave in.

for love and affection.

thanks to science, physically, I'm under my recovery process.

thanks to chemistry, spiritually, I'm under my recovery process too.

I'll be back on my feet soon.

Yes, I may be the fool who still demands being called a hug-a-holic. Yes Izham, I think I'm stupid for thinking as such.

But being stupid is not wrong.

Being stupid means you have space to learn.

.

whats not broken

there are things you want to do
there are things you want to feel

but there are also things that keeps on holding you back
the thought of risks involved
the thought of fear
the thought of failure

when you love and got hurt
you challenged yourself
who else to love and how much more

when you fail and felt stupid
you challenged yourself
who else to prove and what more to read

there are two things I fear most
not being love
and not being able to think sanely

some say I'm young, I need more time
some thinks I'm old enough to fully use my brain

sometimes I feel that I'm never good enough
to be worthy of something
to be deserving of love

sometimes I know there are people
who can't even come close to be the person I am

but nothing matters when the one you love fails to see
and nothing matters when the one you respect fails to trust

whats left is you
alone, in confusion
figuring the areas within your heart
whether its untapped,
or broken.

.

kau lukis hati ku, hati mu jadi satu.

I’ve made a decision and I didn’t execute it well. Maybe becos deep down inside, I hesitate myself in making such decision. Becos I still care. Becos I still feel. And mostly becos I still love.

I went back to where I was, but from a slightly different space. I said I wanted space and I’m giving space. But it didn’t occur to me the space mentioned was refraining myself from the most comforting hug I’d crave since the day I started loving. I hesitate to hug. I hesitate to kiss. I was afraid. I was so afraid.

Sometimes, you thought the fear of someone hating you is the scariest thing that would happen, especially for someone, a people pleaser like you.

What you’re actually afraid of is the thought that someone no longer loves you.

Lately, I found comfort in writing in my notebooks. Going back to the basics, papers and pens.

But this is one poem that I wrote in my notebook that I felt strongly to share here.

I miss you
And nothing can stop this.
I love you
Even my confusion of the matter can’t deny this.

I can’t hate you
Not that I wanted to.
I can’t have you
No matter how hard I tried.

The more I push you away
The thought of you comes with every single beat of my heart.
I don’t know what to do.

I’m living this life
Not knowing you love me
Or you miss me
Even if you do
I might die not knowing

But it didn’t matter now
As long as you know this
That I miss you, I really do.
That I love you, more than you know who.

hurm ........ it gets tiring. Refraining from a hug. Just when I needed one so badly. Argh, its tiringly stupid being a hug-a-holic. I felt stupid. I really do.

.

catching up

Yesterday, I chatted with a friend who just got back from a few overseas business trips and she told me how she love the chaotic fast pace of Hong Kong. As much as I love the thought of living by the ocean in a beach house, sitting by the verandah writing, I do have to admit that I, too, miss the chaotic urban life.

In retrospect, I have experienced a fair share of the chaotic fast past of a major city life. During my final studying year, the first 6 months were lived commuting from Sg Besi to Shah Alam daily via public transportation.

You can just imagine the hassle of waking up at 5am everyday (now, it has become a routine), following my dad at 6.30am to the KTM Station at Bandar Tasik Selatan, then board the train to KL Sentral, went to the 7 Eleven near the Monorail station and waited for my bus (No. 338) to Shah Alam. There are times I missed the bus that comes every 30 minutes. Those days are terrible when I have an 8am class. And sometimes, when I board the bus, I won’t get my seat, depending on the crowd. Sometimes I give my seat away for other deserving people. And after all that, arriving to class, cramping my brain to study, eating lunch alone as most of my beloved friends have moved on to their internship programmes where as I had to extend a few papers. I wasn’t from a business background so I didn’t get enough exemptions when I started my degree. Late in the afternoon, I would wait for the bus, afternoon buses more terrible, you can barely find seats and sometimes, I had to stand all the way from Shah Alam to KL Sentral. And after arriving at KL Sentral, boarding the KTM train home, again, not even that seats are hard to find, you can barely breathe amongst the sweating and tired people coming home from work. Yes, another standing exercise for me. And imagine the thought of doing assignments and whatnot when I get back home. No, that particular semester, I didn’t do well in any subjects. I just passed. It was just tiring. Very very tiring. That was my life routine from July 2005-October 2005.

Then, when I started my internship in Maxis Communications Berhad, the fast pace of traveling became faster. The waking up early was still there, just that I was then boarding the STAR LRT from Sg. Besi to Masjid Jamek, and then switched trains to PUTRA LRT heading to KLCC. Everyday, I boarded 4 trains. In my nice business suit and heels (I had to look fairly presentable as I was under the Corporate Communications department) and still coming back around 7pm-8pm every night. Though sometimes, come events, I had to stayback a little later, which was a bit exhausting as I had to run for my STAR LRT which closes at 10.30pm, unlike the PUTRA LRT till 12am. Adding to that, my allowance cheques comes a month later than everyone else’s pay, and the cost of working at KLCC for a trainee without proper pay, is just, woah!!! I brought food from home, to which everyone said “aaawww, that’s cute”. I still do bring food from home till today tho. It has become a habit. And to add more stress, from the coping with the work, I had to do my final year thesis. Yes. Remember 14^th February when I got mugged and the stupid mugger ran away with my thumbdrive full of my thesis reports. Imagine, that happened on a Tuesday night and I had to go to UiTM every Thursday to submit my report. But I had fun then. I even came to work the morning after I got mugged becos I was dead bored to be at home sulking over it. I even came to work on a Saturday when I was down with terrible fever but it was worth it cos I got to meet the Minister of Administrative Reforms from Indonesia and I got to eat at The Petroleum Club and see the view from 42^nd floor of the KLCC tower.

Yeah, and having all these experience before I reached 23 years old, that was a bit life changing for me and made me who I am, the mature and wise thinking person (yeah, laugh all you want! I know people smell hypocrisy somewhere between those lines)

With that, I had my fair share of the fast pace chaotic urban life and I do love it. Now, I do miss it. Maybe, after this job, I might take a chance on it.

After moving to 14 different houses, 7 different schools, 7 different states and 2 different countries, I guess adapting and me goes very well.

.

"Media and National Development"

Last Wednesday, the Perdana Leadership Foundation with Institute of Quality and Knowledge Advancement (InQka) UiTM organised the 6th Perdana Discourse Series with the title "Media and National Development. The event was a full day discourse with an hour keynote address by the Foundation's Honorary President, YABhg Tun Dr. Mahathir Mohamad, an opportunity for a Questions & Answer session with Tun, followed by a panel discussion and breakout session for the participants. Panelist includes Steven Gan, the editor-in-chief for Malaysiakini.com, Datuk A Kadir Jasin, the editor-in-chief of Berita Publishing Sdn Bhd, Jeff Ooi, citizen journalist from ScreenShots, and a student representative Dr. Kamalan Jeeva, a very well experienced national debater and a vet by practice.

Okay, I'll spare the details, you can visit the Foundations website for more info and even for some pictures of the event - http://www.perdana.org.my

I was there, so, I'll share some visual insights.

Yes, thats the back of my head and body

Look out for Yours Truly hunting for FOOD!



when the cosmic freak speaks

It was a great event and I met a lot of great people. I had the chance to chat with Dato' Marina Mahathir (to date, I'm still confused whether its Datuk Paduka or Datin Paduka. Well, I better start calling her 'MaM' instead then). And to make my day, she recognised me as for she did asked "how come I haven't seen your comments for a while now". Hehehe. Sorry MaM, I got a bit too busy here and there.

I had a very great time engaging interesting conversations with people from all fields and most of them are much much older than me, which is simply great.

I ended up lepaking at Oldtown Kopitiam in Cyberjaya with a new friend I met as I was walking towards my car and we chatted from 7.00pm till 12:30am. Hahaha. People can really talk, I tell you. Add some caffeine and nicotine and conversations seem irresistibly engaging and endless. But I'm game for great conversations though I'll end up listening and observing, and its always a great experience.

-----#-----

Yesterday (Thursday) I watched 'Berbagi Suami' for the first time. Great movie, nice storyline. And fantastic music. I must get the Original Music Soundtrack. At least they don't have just ONE theme song which is played throughout the movie over and over again like most of our local films. Come on, there a a lot of great underground bands that can fit in your movie soundtrack, do some research la. Takkan semua nak pakai Jac Victor, Misha Omar atau Siti jer ....

My favorite song from the movie of course is "Pergi tanpa Pesan" by Sore. Superb group. What a diverse song range they have. Brilliant musicians!

-----#-----

Well pembaca sekalian, I'm off to "do work". Lunch time is finishing. (",)

.

Raja Rindu

sementelaah memikirkan tajuk warkah saya pada pagi yang hening ini, lagu penyanyi barat, Sade, bertajuk "Your Love is King" bermain di minda. Persamaan nya mungkin hanya jatuh pada perkataan "King" dan "Raja" tetapi lagu itu sungguh sedap dan nyaman. Barangkali ramai tidak dapat membayangkan bagaimana bunyi kedengaran lagu tersebut dan pada pukul 4.44 pagi Rabu ini, saya kurang mood untuk mencarikan untuk anda, kalian pembaca. maka, sila lah mengambil inisiatif tersendiri.

anda mungkin tertanya-tanya mengapa saya sudah terjaga pada jam 4.45 pagi. adalah kerana, saya mempunyai satu acara di yayasan yang memerlukan saya datang awal dan saya nekad untuk keluar daripada rumah sebelum jam 6.30 pagi.

sejak kebelakangan ini, saya sering tiba lewat ke yayasan. saya juga tidak mengerti. lewat disini bermaksud jam 8 pagi. atau lebih daripada itu. ada pernah sekali tu, jalan yang sungguh sesak, saya bagaikan sungguh kejam, mengharapkan akan terlintas dengan 8 buah kereta yang remuk dan terbalik, supaya berbaloi kelewatan saya ke pejabat. saya keluar rumah pada jam 6.35 pagi atau 6.45pagi, masih tersangkut dengan kesesakan jalan raya yang bagai laknat disumpah. namun, yang menenangkan hati adalah putaran lagu neo soul, george michael dan juga, penyanyi tanahair kegemaran saya, Sheila Majid. Saya adalah peminat setia Sheila Majid dan saya rasa album beliau yang paling saya minati ialah emosi (1989). Ketika berusia 7 tahun lagi, saya sudah menghafal lagu lagu beliau. sungguh taksub saya ketika itu, mahu berambut pendek seperti beliau, menari seperti beliau, dan juga gelagat gelagat yang sama waktu dengan nya.

sudah lama juga saya tidak berkarya puisi ya. saya tahu, bukan susah bagi saya menulis puisi, namun, ketiadaan mood dan nafsu penulisan membuatkan saya malas. saya tidak lagi ghairah untuk berpuisi. tetapi, untuk melepaskan perasaan rindu yang meraja ini, sebelum jam 5 pagi, baiklah saya memerah minda yang kecil dan sikit penggunaannya sekurang kurang nya untuk satu puisi.

to be missing you
a blessing, not a sentence.

to be missing you
in discreet, not in vocal.

to be missing you
self admission, not in denial.

but I couldn't say I miss you
You no longer tell me you miss me
but we do
miss each other
in the sweetest way
with the purest intention

sometimes, I question myself why I miss you
I realised my heart has grown up loving you
within months, this love matures
from a flirting baby to a wholehearted love affection

why is love intensified by absence?
to tell you the truth, I don't know.

I just know that I miss you
and I hope you're missing me too
because that would mean that you love me
and my beloved baby, I seriously do love you too.

bagaimanakah puisi spontan saya? hehehe ... okaylah, saya perlu gerak cerdas dan mandi. pagi ini, mungkin saya akan mandi lama sedikit. mahu menggosok baju lagi. masih memikirkan bagaimanakan keterampilan saya kelak. hahahaha. bukan masuk televisyen pun. acara biasa sahaja pun.

kelak, saya akan letakkan beberapa gambar untuk tatapan kalian bagi acara ini, memandangkan acara ini akan menampilan blogger terkenal Jeff Ooi, maka, saya rasa, wajarlah diberikan pendedahan dan liputan yang meluas. Hahaha.

sekian, wassalam.

.

Lost ....

This morning, as I was brushing my teeth, I realised that my locket, the opal stone as a pendant on my necklace, was gone!

GAMBAR SEBELUM

GAMBAR SELEPAS

And, it was gone since yesterday (refer pic: GAMBAR SELEPAS, taken Sunday, April 15th)


The white Opal stone was bought in 1988 by mom in Australia.

The mineraloid opal is amorphous SiO2·nH2O; hydrated silicon dioxide, the water content sometimes being as high as 20% but is usually between three and ten percent. Opal ranges from colorless through white, milky blue, gray, red, yellow, green, brown and black. Common opal is truly amorphous, but precious opal does have a structural element. The word opal comes from the Sanskrit upala, the Greek opallios, and the Latin opalus, meaning "precious stone." Opals are also Australia's National gemstone.

Opal is a mineraloid gel which is deposited at relatively low temperature and may occur in the fissures of almost any kind of rock, being most commonly found with limonite, sandstone, rhyolite, and basalt.

Opal is one of the mineraloids that can form or replace fossils. The resulting fossils, though not of any extra scientific interest, appeal to collectors.

- information courtesy of wikipedia -

I have been wearing the necklace for a good 7 years now, before that, only during Raya holidays, but since 2000, I started wearing it and became attached to it. I only took out my necklace for 2 reasons, X-Ray and to get it cleaned at the jewellery store.


I felt lost. I felt incomplete. I haven't told mom. I'm quite terrified. But I know, things got lost along the journey of our life.

I got used to it so much, I never bother to give it a look. When I did, it was gone.

Now, I'm wearing the necklace without the great white opal stone.

I felt hollow, but I'm not letting go.

Let it show, the empty hole at the locket there.

Let it show, the hollowness I feel, and the lost that haunts me.

I haven't cried .... not yet.

.

mendalami hakikat

saya berasa agak selesa menulis di dalam bahasa melayu pada ketika ini.

sungguh asyik sekali, lebih lebih lagi, kalian pembaca memberi komentar di dalam bahasa melayu juga, bahasa rasmi kita, bahasa ibunda kelompok dan rumpun melayu.

tetapi, sementelaah saya menulis di dalam bahasa melayu, bahasa pertuturan saya yang kedua, bahasa inggeris, juga diberi perhatian. buktinya ialah, coretan coretan kosmik dilakukan di dalam buku catatan peribadi saya, kembali kepada konsep menulis yang asal, bertemankan pen dan kertas. kalam dan papirus.

sebelum ini, saya ada menceritakan tentang beberapa keputusan yang di ambil, keputusan yang diambil sebagai jalan penyelesaian buat sementara waktu. sementara waktu, kerana sebagai manusia, kita tidak lari daripada sering mengubah fikiran. mungkin kerana masa yang senantiasa berubah, jarum jam yang berputar dan hanya akan terhenti jikalau bateri sudah habis tempoh hayatnya, dan air yang sentiasa berkocak dan mengalir.

di kala ini, saya mendalami hakikat setiap keputusan yang saya ambil.

perasaan rindu yang semakin meraja apabila keputusan untuk melupakan si dia di ambil.

perasaan bersalah yang menyelubungi apabila keputusan untuk berhenti menjadi budak baik di ambil.

perasaan hormat yang dipatuhi apabila keputusan untuk menjauhkan diri dari masalah keluarga dipertimbangkan.

perjalanan hidup saya berjalan dengan kurang stabil, cuba berlari selaju mungkin mengejar perubahan perubahan drastik, namun masih memerlukan ruang untuk berfikir dengan matang.

saya bukanlah seorang yang agresif di dalam membuat sesuatu tindakan.

saya terkenal dengan melarikan diri daripada masalah yang dihadapi, walaupun acapkali memberikan nasihat dan kata petunjuk kepada rakan rakan, saya gagal meyakinkan diri sendiri.

barangkali kerana rasa gah dengan diri sendiri. dengan kebijakan otak kurniaan Illahi ini. dengan kepantasan mulut dan minda mengolah sebab, alasan, untuk menyelematkan diri di dalam setiap situasi diberi.

mungkin ini hanyalah satu fasa dalam peningkatan usia.

mungkin.

badan masih terasa penat meskipun rehat ala kadar dapat diambil dengan sewajarnya. mungkin selepas ini saya akan ke surau melabuhkan kepala yang seringkali pusing tanpa sebab musabab.

mungkin.

saya harap hujung minggu anda menyeronokkan.

malam ini saya dijemput ke Majlis Makan Malam Kosmo! mencecah 100,000 unit jualan (jikalau salah tolong betulkan) di Le MERIDIEN KL. Akan menempuh jalan yang sungguh disumpah durjana oleh kuasa yang kurang pasti mana datangnya.

Ya, saya membuat kesimpulan, atau teori, bahawa jalanraya di Malaysia disumpah. Adakah sumpahan Tan Cheng Lock? Sumpahan kepada setiap bekas lombong bijih timah yang suatu ketika dahulu mengelilingi Kuala Lumpur?

Iyalah, jikalau tidak disumpah, mana mungkin sepanjang 3.2km di Jalan Kuching, di lorong laluan kereta laju belah paling kanan sekali, boleh terhenti henti. Bayangkan, 3.2km panjang jalan yang dipenuhi kereta terhenti selama seminit. Tanpa lampu isyarat atau simpang di sebelah kanan. Boleh jadi jalanraya ini semua disumpah.

mungkin.

saya ingat juga mahu bersukaria sehingga hening pagi, tetapi rakan saya tidak percuma. maka, saya barangkali akan langsung pulang ke rumah selepas acara makan malam tersebut. sememangnya apabila mendapat untuk undangan makan bebas, selepas kenyang kita harus meninggalkan tempat kejadian.

baiklah pembaca kalian. sehingga ketemu di masa akan datang. yelah, takkan ketemu di masa lampau pula. ini bukan rancangan quantum leap, atau bill and ted's excellent adventure (saya gilakan keanu reeves!!!), atau back to the future, atau austin powers.

waduh waduh, pengaruh media barat!

the tired person in me

sudah lama saya tidak menulis di dalam bahasa ibunda saya. kebelakangan ini, hari hari yang dilalui memenatkan. memerah keringat, minda, dan juga, hati dan perasaan.

terlalu banyak yang bermain di minda. terlalu memenatkan. kadangkala, berfikir itu sungguh memenatkan. walaupun kita, manusia, secara umumnya, hanya menggunakan tujuh peratus daripada otak kurniaan Illahi.

pelik bukan. penggunaan 7 peratus sudah memenatkan. bagaimana pula jika kita diberi peluang menggunakan 30 peratus, atau mungkin 77 peratus? mestilah kita akan mengalami "breakdown" seperti mariah carey, seorang penyanyi barat yang sementelaah dimasukkan ke hospital kerana terlalu penat bekerja, keluarnya dia dari hospital dan kembalinya dia ke dunia seni, berwajah baru, bertubuh baru, dan berdada besar.

hahahahaha. kejam sungguh saya.

rakan rakan pejabat sering memperkatakan mengenai penggunaan bahasa melayu saya yang dianggap agak "skema" ini. bukankah bagus bertutur sebegini. bukan untuk menunjukkan betapa hebatnya kita berbahasa melayu. tetapi seorang pemimpin unggul pernah berkata, jikalau kita tahu asal usul dari mana kita datang, kita akan tahu kemana arah tuju kita di masa hadapan.

iya, saya tahu, pepatah itu diulangi hanya dengan pertukaran bahasa. tetapi pepatah atau "quote" sehebat itu perlu diingati selalu. tidakkah anda setuju dengan saya?

mungkinkah kerana pekerjaan saya yang banyak melibatkan buku buku sejarah, fakta fakta sejarah dan bahasa bahasa yang berasaskan tatabahasa atau perbendeharaan kata yang teratur menjadikan saya sebegini? bukanlah saya tidak pernah membahasakan diri dengan "aku", "engkau", "gua", "lu", tetapi pada pendapat saya, pabila kita menulis, lebih elok ditulis bahasa buku.

tetapi, itu bukanlah niat atau topik yang ingin saya bicarakan di sini.

di dalam warkah saya sebelum ini, saya mengetengahkan tindakan tindakan dan keputusan yang saya capai. untuk menjadi seorang yang kurang baik.

di kala itu, seorang rakan cuba membantu, menghulurkan tangan, jika tidak tangan pun, telinga dipinjamkan tanda pendengar setia. saya akur. dia memberi kata nasihat, tetapi tahu saya akan pulang ke pangkal jalan.

di kala ini, saya tidak memerlukan sesiapa melontarkan kata kata dakwah, lebih lebih lagi mengatakan "I told you so" (kan dah cakap dah) kepada saya.

saya hanya memerlukan mereka yang percaya, saya akan bangun sendiri selepas jatuh. mungkin, mereka tunggu di sisi, memerhati keupayaan saya mengangkat tubuh yang terkulai di bahu jalan. memerhati tetapi tidak membantu. hanya akan membantu jika dipinta. tetapi, memerhati dan menunggu, supaya saya tidak keseorangan.

kepenatan yang saya lalui ini hanyalah satu fasa di dalam kehidupan.

saya masih muda, mahupun saya sebenarnya sudah meningkat tua lebih cepat daripada rakan rakan sebaya saya.

muda dengan usia, tua dengan kematangan.

berikan saya masa. mungkin yang saya perlukan, hanyalah masa.

tidak, ini bukan bebanan kerja.

ini adalah kepenatan yang saya fikirkan. secara psikologi, saya yang memenatkan diri sendiri.

dan saya sedar tentang perkara itu.

tetapi saya sedang menikmati apa yang saya putuskan minda saya untuk percaya.

bahawa saya penat.

saya hanya mahu berehat sebentar.

the roamer beats her tiny drums

changes.

its for the best.

I'm tired of being a nice girl, being called a nice girl and being taken as a nice girl.

Its tiring.

To have people think that you're a nice girl, and dependable. That you're someone everyone relies on to. That people would expect you to do the good things. That people expect you to be responsible, reliable, dependable.

Its tiring when all those people who thought of me that way, they aren't all those, and they depended on me. They expect that they can depend on me.

I get tired of being the rock.

I get tired of being the one committed to something, responsible for something.

I get tired of being the bigger person, the older person, especially for those older than me.

Because ...

I have no space for mistakes. I have no space for vulnerability. I have no space for sin.

And its not fair for me.

I can't get angry cos people assume I'm not the angry type. When I do get angry, people took it as me being ridiculously unwise.

And its not fair for me.

-----#-----

Lately, I rebel.

By not being the nice person that I am.

And I made some worried, I left some confused, and I hurt others.

Funnily, I felt guiltless. I didn't think its wrong.

-----#-----

Its tiring to be wise, composed and patient all the time.

It felt good, yes.

But its not fair for me.

-----#-----

I know people would think that this is the wrong move that I make, the wrong choices.

I'd say fuck off and let me have my time of making mistakes, making the wrong decisions and making the wrong choices.

I got tired of giving sane advices, wise guidances, keeping everyone composed, taming the temper of those in anger, making amends to wrongdoings done by others.

-----#-----

It gets tiring when all this involved the people I loved most.

It gets tiring not being appreciated enough for the sacrifices you've made, for the abundant, if not endless, amount of love that you gave.

-----#-----

some people, they don't tell that they love you often.

some people, they don't tell that they miss you often.

though they do.

I say, its time for me, the wrong, sinful, tempered me, to say
"fuck off. I'm tired. And give me space."

.

I lifted my head slowly

who are you?

I'm the Beloved.

who's Beloved?

Yours.

i don't believe you. if i have a Beloved, why didn't i feel the love?

I'm your Beloved. That means YOU're the one who loves me.

owh yes, silly me. I am indeed a silly person. I'm a fool for love.

Why are you asking about not feeling love? Have you lost the passion to love me?

maybe. i forgot. i don't know.

Owh ...

do you want me to love you?

It's up to you.

do you?

I don't know.

whats the point of loving you like a fool I am, when you don't even care? That's just selfish, don't you think?

I don't know.


for a moment, I smiled. then slowly, I laughed at myself. I'm proud to have love, and stupid enough to not be loved in return. I'm proud to have found someone who would understand me, and stupid enough to not make the person mine.

I end up laughing hysterically at myself. then stopped, for a chuckle and a sigh.

I don't know where I stand, and where would I go. I don't know the depth of love I'm feeling and the sacrifices I'm willing to make.

right about now, I just am afraid of losing the Beloved. be it that I'm not loved in return. I told myself again and again, this is enough, for now. but my rationalisation is not satisfying enough.

rebellion and retaliation comes to mind. but sanity blocks all insane thoughts.

move on.

but where to go?

move forward.

but where does it leads me to?

you don't know where you're going, until you know where you've come from, a wise man once said.

I know where I came from, I know how much I can love.

but now I don't know where to go, and who to love.

and what to do.

the cosmic vibe

I was driving this morning (btw, my morning is 6.35am) and I had this strong feeling that something is on tonight. I don't know what. For 5 minutes, I was listing every single person that I know (in my head), who could possible have any connection to it. Then ... I stopped at one name and got a stronger feeling. At that point, the thought of calling or texting her to confirm anything was a bit impossible as for 1. its freakin' 6.45am in the morning. and 2. credit bo liau! so ... the thought died as I blast off my radio, singing to Anita Sarawak's Cintamu Muzik di Hatiku with my windows down while I eat my mee goreng (yes, a multi tasker I am as I endure the long stretch of traffic on Jalan Kuching!).

I was reading NST earlier and a good 15 minutes ago, I laughed at myself. Laughing as in a bit of proud that my cosmic vibe was so strong and silly to actually doubt the capability of my good memory. Hahaha.

Tonight, at 9.30pm, the first pilot of "So You Think You Can Dance" will be aired on 8TV hosted by the gorgeously sweet and lovely, Juliana Ibrahim.

So, if you have the chance to catch it, enjoy ya! I'll try hard. Weekdays is a disadvantage for me, and even on weekends, I seemed to have failed to watch her shows, which made me look like a bad (online) friend. I know. Sorry dear Juliana.

Anyways, I wanted to share a small lyric that meant a lot for me. Which also made me think a lot too.

"the clown gives you his smiling face
is flushed and blushed
can't you see the tears behind his mind"

Something You Want by Mayu

Of all the lines in the lyric, I like these the best.

There's tears behind a clown's smiling face.
There's a smile behind an angry warlord's face.

Its a thought we should all dwell. Especially when one receives such response for all her sad entries, its just an alter-ego, a character developed by a writer. It relates, yes, but it doesn't mean that the writer is living a pathetically sad and lame life.

Its tiring to explain. Because ...

when I start explaining myself, I'll be taken as defensive. no. I'm not defensive.

when I start making personal comments, I'll be taken as judgemental. no. I'm not judgemental.

when I start telling the truth, I'll be taken as sarcastic. no. I'm not sarcastic.

thats what people got mostly confused. becos aside from all that, people fail to see, that explaining oneself, is expressing one's personal point of view, not to counter, but to share. making personal comments, is just to say that certain things can be perceived differently, and its a cautious warning so people would think twice on their own point of views. and telling the truth, might sound sarcastic, only to validate the saying, that "truth hurts".

thats part of the logic in my life. then again, thats only my personal view to share with others, so that people would know that not teh whole world sees things in just one perspective, and sometimes, from other perspectives, there might lie truth that will eventually hurts.

but thats life innit?


this clown is giving a smiling face and in a minute, she can stare sternly at someone. (",)

the silent cosmic

At the same place
At the same table
But with a different pen
and a different paper

The thoughts somehow
flows in the same pattern
Without direction
Searching for things
that a normal, simple-minded
person would fail to see.

Within the chaotic envirenment
With m0saic sounds and noises

The heart remains silent
The voice unheard
and the whispers fade.

Somehow the ground is not
solid anymore
Somehow the sky is not
that high anymore

Everything is within reach
Yet everything deemed intangible.

I went home early yesterday, wanting some break. And I stopped by my usual place (I'm straining on the "usual" as the anney looks very very please to see me, hahahahaha), and I took a moment and wrote the above poem (is it??? ). Later, I got some quality time with my priority babe. hehehe. Yes, I've gotten her attention, and might I add, full frontal affection. But Fozz, you know I love you!

talkin' talk

I got a few inquiries on the status of my writings, whether its fiction or based on my personal experiences. People have been asking, "Who is 'she'?"

As I have no qualms on it being a 'she' or a 'he', as far as love goes everything is possible. But there are certain feelings contribute to the fiction that I've come up with. But that being said, certain feelings doesn't mean that they have been felt before. Sometimes, when we dig inside our inner soul, we can find various feelings we are capable to feel. It all depends on how to evoke emotions, interpret it, control it and use it to your advantages. The key word, is to understand that feeling wholly. Then, you can feel, wholeheartedly.

And here, I'd like to relate to a poem by my favorite poet, Jelalluddin Rumi, which somewhat, share a similarity in terms of concept with some of my poetries.

LOVE AND I TALKING

Love says, You cannot deny me. Try.

I say, Yes, you appear out of nowhere
like the bubbles in wine, here, then not.

Love says, Prisoned in the body-jar,
singing at the banquet.

I say, This ecstasy is dangerous.

Love says, I sip the delicious day,
until night takes the cup away.
Then I insist night give it back.
The light I see by never changes.

Arabs describe wine with the word mudam,
which means continual. On and on and on,
because wine drinkers never get enough.

The water of realisation is the wine we mean
where love is the liquid, your body the flagon.

Grace floods in. The wine's power
breaks the jar. It's happening now.

The water of waking becomes the one who pours,
the wine itself, and every presence at the banquet.

No metaphor can hold this truth
that knows how to keep secret
and when to show itself.

- Jelalluddin Rumi-

taken from The Essential Rumi: Translation by Coleman Barks (pg.354)

flagon (noun)
1. a large bottle for wine, liqours, etc
2. a container for holding liquids, as for use at table, esp. one with a handle, a spout, and usually a cover.
taken from http://dictionary.reference.com


Cosmic Notes:
Some people say that the poem is quite deep. For me, its just simply lovely. Love knows how to keep a secret, and how to show itself. Personally, without knowing it, I tasted how to love to the fullest, and at times, I wonder, whether its true or not, these feelings that I've had. Becos, as a writer, yes, you create fiction. And at one point, you don't know which is which, how the fiction that you created, evolves and grows in your own real life.

Some took it as an advantage to create better things.

Some drowned in the said confusion.

I'm in between. I'm drowning yet enjoying the water.
.