The Cosmic Wise and Crappy Words

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

in faith, we find hope

in the presence of faith, logic is absent.

thats when hope comes to play a key role. in means of hope, we dream of magical things. magic, to make our dreams come true. when all effort have been made, our body drained out sweat, tears and energy, we believe, we have faith, we hope, dreams will come true. there's no logic in it. practicality has become secondary. reality aside, we can vaguely see how the moon turns blue, and if ever, cats grow horns.

there's no wrong in believing the invisible. holy books, bibles, the koran, include the said belief system in its teachings. regardless religion, race, culture, language, continent, there lies faith that these things are real. hence, dreams, are real. and to achieve them, we must believe that magic can happen.

I, for one, am a believer. no matter how reality shoved me off the path in finding that hope I've always store inside, I got back on my feet, brushed of the dust, and glide my way through the road which seems endless.
in faith, we find hope.

the hope to love. the hope to succeed. the hope to believe. once again. in ourself.

there are two types of good writers.

one, the good writers who are technically good. they make you look like a fool when you read their writings. they make you think how stupid you are when you read, their writings. they make you have that extra tabs on your IE or Firefox, on or wikipedia just incase you stumbled upon some boombastic words or jargons that your simple-mind couldn't comprehend. they will ease the works of editors, analytical proofreaders and usually, are well-published everywhere and anywhere.

the other, are the good writers who writes from their heart. with simplified words, they make fair amount of grammatical mistakes and could not even detect some of those mistakes because they feel what they write and they don't think that what they have written should be wrong. because its heart felt. it felt right saying those very words. why would you question the heart that talks. even though the mind does the thinking and impulses sent to the fingers to write or type, still, the heart remains as the commander and navigator of the ship. thus, everything felt right, for that very moment, and there's no point to regret what has been written. to regret is only to blame the heart for feeling. one must not blame his/her heart for feeling. one must only blame if the heart grew numb and could not feel anymore.

I, for obvious reasons, falls under the latter. yes, I have faith that I am a good writer, but I admit, my technical ability in writing seems to be very very poor thus invites judgements and criticism from everyone who falls under the former. one might even question how on earth I land the job with "publications" in its job title. well, one has to make a living and one does rely on faith.

yes, faith. faith that I am a good writer. faith that I will be a better writer, by practice and exposure to the former group. and this brings us back to the first tagline. in the presence of faith, logic is absent. I have faith in my writings, the logic of the right technical usage that comes within the context of writings, apparently is absent, to me.

and for that, I rest my case.

Monday, May 28, 2007

keeping mum

a chatterbox that I am, I can still keep quiet at times. Yes. I am a chatty person no matter how I exaggerated on being quiet. Not to say that I'm "chatty" chatty, but, I'm just not that reserved and observant quiet type. (hahaha, yeah, I know, now y'all think I'm like a big hypocrite or something).

but sometimes, keeping mum is just the best way to listen and think. although at times it appears quite rude to the present company, but thats just how it works.

Apparently, I can talk like a speeding bullet, brain-farting my thoughts, then the next, it seems that I'm drained out of words, and I ended up, in silence. Although my head is raging with thoughts, needed to be brain-farted again, but no, apparently the hole refuses to let loose. Hahaha, now now, don't get kinky disgusted with the idea of holes used for farting.

But, is it an appealing trait, to always keep mum? Does it make you look intelligent, observant, if not, mysteriously interesting?

I keep mum when I'm in a group of strangers I couldn't click with, and I can also keep mum in the presence of a close friend. Sometimes, my switch just shuts off. Unknowing to the fact that I might be perceived as rude, uninterested and inattentive towards the conversation, I just ... shuts up.

Well, if whenever I opens my mouth and the only thing that comes out is these smelly sarcastic brain-farts, I think the whole world would prefer me to SHUT UP! keep mum.

piracy is the king

captain barbossa: the world has gotten smaller.
jack sparrow: the world is still big, just with less in it.

a great ending at the world's end for all the pirates. the third and final sequel of the movie deserves everything but harsh criticism. it started as a love story in the very first sequel, and ends as one. with stronger characters which were brilliantly pulled off respectively, even the lame-mushy-sappy Legolas Will Turner (Orlando Bloom) turned out not only strong and macho, but evil as well. This is funny because I was never really a big fan of the pirates sequels. After the first movie, I concluded that Orlando Bloom didn't rock my world hard enough, Kiera Knightley was just another distressing damsel in distress and the only thing to look forward to is the eccentric and insanely funny Captain Jack Sparrow and his crew. I didn't even watch the second sequel completely, just sat in the living room when my brother played the low-quality-cinema-recording pirated dvd. But I do know the story roughly so watching the third and final sequel, I managed to patch things up and understand how and why everything took it's place. And this time, the only character that didn't appeal to me as much, was Captain Sao Feng (Chow Yun Fatt). I guess even his right-hand guy appealed more than him. Maybe its the make-up. Maybe.

thats it on piracy. Pirates of the Straits of Malacca somewhat was represented in the movie. hehehe... You can see so many 'taikos' in there. Its just because they're so bloody 'kiasu', they claimed themselves to be "Singgapolean". Yeah, its funny to know that when the East British-India Company came to South East Asia, particularly to "Singgapula", everyone looks Chinese and oriental-like, when, in truth, the Chinese themselves in 14th-15th century were foreign businessmen and traders who came by to do business, not the rulers. Maybe they've mistaken "Singgapula" for somewhere up-north like Kampuchea, Laos, Burma or even Vietnam. Maybe ..... Yeah, I remembered that "Singgapula" was sold to the Chinese for 60,000 ringgit only around 1960s (1963 if I'm not mistaken). Before the said sale-agreement, you can only find bugis/minang/melayu look-alike people there. Well, what can you say, that's how the West sees "Asian" in general. A bunch of Oriental-look people, apparently if you say you're a Malay from Asia, they'll be like "Huh??? Your tribe still lives on trees? What?? You can drive a CAR???" Thanks to the entertainment world, yeah, if you don't have slit eyes and fair-white skin, and you're Asian, meaning you lives in long houses, wears 'cawat' and goes hunting in the jungle for food. I drives to McDonald's drive-thru to hunt for food. Heh.

So that should concluded my weekend. Another thing that I discovered during the weekend was, I am not a medium-rare steak person. Or maybe, when it comes to a 7-ounce steak, you don't order it 'medium-rare'. I got some weird headache even after eating 6 slices of the steak before I asked it to be made welldone. Just when I bragged about how much a steak person I am (I lurve red meat!!!), and just when a person challenged me to try have my steak "rare" to get the tiger out of me. Hurm, apparently I'm not THAT carnivorous after all!

Another thing, a reminder to all. Do not watch "Jangan Pandang Belakang" after reading Dina Zaman's "I Am Muslim". Hahaha. You'll have a whole other perspective on ghost and you end up laughing instead of screaming. Owh, I did screamed. When my older brother screamed, I screamed because I was shocked by HIS loud screaming voice interrupting my "pairs"computer game I was playing at that time.

My parents are out of town with the kids but the weekends have ended. SHEESSHHHHH!!!!

Friday, May 25, 2007

how little we are

In a few days (hopefully), the bank account will show some 4 digit figures, compared to the 1 digit with cents balance for the past 3 days. as pathetic as it sounds, one can not deny the facts of living by the pay-cheque in the first year of working.

Hence, the fuss about government servants getting payraise up to 35% came to mind. How lucky! When the fake intellectual sits in the office, slaving for a good cause, a non-profit organisation which will never make profit, everyone else's hunger for pay raise have been fed.

Owh, and to top the week, a list of top 40 Richest Malaysian by Forbes were presented by The Star. Yes, All 40 Malaysians worth an accumulated USD43 billion. With a country population of 28million people, GDP of 5.2% (and hopefully growing) and good growth in the Malaysian ringgit for the past few months, everything seems possible. As it is possible to spend 8million ringgit for the sake of raising the minimum wage for government servants to be above the poverty line; to see how the richest man in Malaysia is worth 25.75million ringgit and yes, to also increase the number of reality show as to provide them with scholarships to pursue their superstar ambition via sms votes (senanglah, tak payah bayar utang PTPTN, shessh!). Of course we can afford that weekly phone credit reload to save their asses from being eliminated from the shows. Hey, I was one of those idiots who voted. Even though I cautioned myself to never exceed 5 votes during the show, however, there were always my mother's phone for extra 'to-the-rescue' votes, just incase.

But no, we're not talking about those little-sized people who were granted a scholarship to learn singing, a Toyota VIOS, a house and a trip to GoldCoast Australia. I wanted to actually write on the rich people of Malaysia. Not only those listed, but those who are getting richer and richer. And No, I'm not complaining about my "small" pay (or am I?) which will eventually be non-existence once I transfer them to their rightful owners (yeah, I'm just the agent here) . When everyone enjoys 3 months of bonuses after spending 10 hours in the office, I gladly pledge myself to the future of Malaysia by extracting historical facts. So, in terms of work-satisfaction, I'm getting there (I hope!).

But once in a while, I wonder, the other options I could've taken. To work in a bank or other MNCs that would easily pay me RM2,500 even for a Junior Executive (now you know my current salary is wayyy lower than that). With a probable flexible working hours, and a more convenient workplace where I can dress up in business suits, change tops and shoes and groom once awhile (yes, they don't call me 'Nurol kalut' at work for nothing, I don't even put powder on my face!). Or to flash that businesscard with an organisation that have a (M) in their name which means that they have branches overseas, or maybe just big big MNCs which is well known to even a small 3 year old (oowhhh, SHELL yang jual minyak tu yek?). All of my friends are earning those big figures, working in a classy environment despite the workload which can be quite stressful, and yes, in a mixed environment where they talk English 24/7, if not Manglish. Yes, I've worked in Maxis Communications Berhad before, I know how the environment is like.

Now, the government servants can also buy business suits, buy imported cars and buy shoes more than once in a month, for the pay raise that they will be getting which starts in July. Not to mention the year-end bonuses. Owh yes, those bloody lucky buggers who works in banks and large MNCs receives 2-3 months bonuses, or even more. Woah! No wonder everyone can own a bloody laptop, a digital SLR and goes for trips abroad. Lucky buggers! Err, well, good for you all.

But I love it here. I love my work. Aside from the fact that I have to wake up at 5.30am every single morning, and reach home only after 8pm (the earliest) every single night, endure the 2 hours (to and for) journey on the road, its a blessing. Hey, at least I can serve my country. In ways people won't imagine of doing. Preserving history. Thats the profit I'm making, thats the treasure been thrusted upon me.

How little we are compared to the rich people who are getting richer. Of course most some of the rich people came from rich families, who managed to pay for their Australian/American/Britain education which allows them to enjoy studying in such environment while mom and dad work day and night to pay for the 6-digit tuition fees. Some of those lucky buggers comes back home, flash their CVs with Education background that stated Degree with honours from University blablabla, (some foreign land outside Malaysia). Instantly get jobs, no questions asked about experiences or knowledge of the organisation. Yeah, past Independence, Malaysia has the tendency to look highly upon anything foreign. The truth. Period.

How little I am even compared to my friends who are working in MNCs. To even know they have been taxed scared the hell out of me. Hahaha. I'm not liable for income tax. Maybe not for a few years. But being little doesn't put me behind. I do owns borrow my dad's laptop (hahaha), owns given a PDA handphone (a generous birthday present by Muid), owns a Kembara (re-financed from my mother which I proudly pay for monthly, hehehe) and owns indebt with a credit card (which probably meet its limit sometime soon) and I'm breathing at a normal speed with everyone else. And once awhile, I have the affordability to splurge on my little siblings, treat them to some nice lunch and bring them out for movies. And I don't have supporting side-income from freelance jobs or sugardaddies boyfriend(s).

Unfortunately, all 38 rich malaysian men listed are married. And Raja Dr. Nazrin too, has got himself a pretty wife. So, I think I'm bound to be single for a LONG time and support myself wholly. Owh, and speaking of which, I came across a very interesting website I could never imagine of stumbling upon to, The Sultan of Perak's office official website which also gives out information of the traditions and protocol (adat istiadat) done in official ceremonies. Cool huh. Just when I don't believe in the sovereignty of Malaysian elite, somehow, I am proud of the Perak royalty. I know it sound biased as thats my dad's hometown, but hey, if you come across any other state which provides such interesting website, who have the entire royal family with not only intelligentsia, but also humble and modest people (as the commoner blood runs in their family), do present it to me, I'll give my full consideration.

enough for today. I'll check my bank balance online now. bismillahirrahmanirrahim. :)

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

the fake intellectual

Excerpts from an article by Michael Backman in World Business:-
Top 20 Asian progressives

Who are the modernisers and reformers steering the region towards good business practice, transparency and management excellence?

Other publications list Asia's most influential, or its most powerful or richest, but World Business is more forward-looking than that. We have spotlighted the individuals driving Asia forward - those that are helping to bring about rules-based civil societies, or who are advancing the cause of better governance, be it in business or government. One of the greatest guarantees of freedom is the free-flow of information, debate and commentary, and so our list includes several who are integral to promoting debate where governments of the region seek to restrict it. Included are several prominent bloggers who risk their livelihoods to bring to the people of Asia commentary and opinion that is a matter of course in the West.


Though more robust than that of Singapore, Malaysia's media is nonetheless tame. All significant media outlets are sympathetic to the government, there is little investigative journalism and discussion of many issues is discouraged. The newspapers focus endlessly on crime and lifestyle issues, and Malaysians tend to buy them for their job ads and to find out what's showing at the cinema. Increasingly, the serious reporting and commentary is done by bloggers, of which Raj Petra Kamarudin's is the best.

Petra, a nephew of a former king of Malaysia, founded Malaysia-today in 2004 and works on it full time. The site now gets an astonishing 1.8 million hits on an average day, making it much more popular than any Malaysian newspaper. Malaysia-today plays an enormously important role in its attempts to keep the government accountable. It reports on ministers' many business interests, nepotism and just about anything else that the government would prefer to keep quiet. Petra uses the site to denounce money politics, corruption and Malaysia's endless fascination with race and race-based politics. A popular, ongoing series is the Khairy Chronicles, which provides an account of the doings of the prime minister's young, unelected, but highly influential son-in-law.

Many reports have been made against Petra to the police, agents from Malaysia's Special Branch have questioned him on several occasions and his computers have been seized. Recently, he reported how the government intended to use a nominee company to borrow $50 billion, in order to avoid recording the loan as government borrowing. He has also reported on a particularly grisly murder that appeared to implicate senior government figures.


Mahathir Mohamad, Malaysia's prime minister from 1981 to 2003, was perhaps Asia's most misunderstood leader. Mahathir had plenty of critics, but the country's impressive development under his stewardship is undeniable. Also undeniable is his popularity among Malaysia's minority ethnic groups, particularly the Chinese, who comprise about 30% of the population. Mahathir managed to persuade different ethnic groups to think of themselves as Malaysians, despite economic and education policies that favoured the majority Malay population at the expense of the commercially successful Chinese minority.

These policies helped to break the nexus between great wealth and (Chinese) ethnicity, thus making the Chinese less of a target politically in the event of unrest. Mahathir also kept a lid on Islamic fundamentalism, showing not just Malaysia but much of the Islamic world that economic progress and Islam can go hand in hand. Under Mahathir, the media and the judiciary lacked independence, but Malaysians enjoy far more political freedoms than the citizens of neighbouring Singapore.

Mahathir resigned as prime minister while still popular and at a time of his choosing. In retirement, he has emerged as a loud critic of the new administration, bringing to Malaysia a level of public debate that few would have thought possible. His regular interventions on policy issues have almost given Malaysia the strong opposition voice that it has not previously had.

He has attacked the government for not doing enough to tackle the widespread corruption, and has criticised the concessions given to foreign firms that invest in an economic zone in southern Malaysia. Even out of office, Mahathir continues to modernise his country.


Syed Mokhtar Al-Bukhary has built himself up from almost nothing to be one of Malaysia's richest men. He has developed port facilities and an airport in southern Malaysia, as well as amassing interests in property, hotels, power stations, rubber plantations, banking, retailing and construction. His companies are run by professional managers throughout, rather than family members.

He dislikes publicity and is remarkable by Malaysian corporate standards in not using his shareholders' money to buy a corporate jet, a helicopter or a fleet of Mercedes-Benz. He has no interest in personal aggrandisement. Instead, his great passion is his charitable foundation, the Al-Bukhary Foundation, into which he has poured millions to build mosques, schools and hospitals. The foundation has also built, stocked and runs the Islamic Art Museum in Kuala Lumpur, a world-class institution that puts Malaysia's National Museum to shame. A modern Muslim, he does not believe that women should cover their heads or faces and feels that Islam should return to what it was once known for: commerce and the arts.

In late 2006, his MMC Corporation, together with a local partner, won an extraordinary $30 billion infrastructure deal in Saudi Arabia to develop a new industrial and commercial city. It's a huge undertaking for any company, let alone a Malaysian one, and it represents how Al-Bukhary likes to do business. He is a strong promoter of Muslim cross-border investment and trading ties, in the same way that other commercial ethnic groups trade across borders.

Al-Bukhary is a breath of fresh air for corporate Malaysia and an inspiration to Muslims everywhere.


The assertive and competent Zeti Akhtar Aziz was appointed governor of Malaysia's central bank in 2000. Her appointment demonstrated to the world that being a Muslim woman in an Islamic country was not incompatible with either holding a position of real power or with south-east Asian traditions. She had held previous positions with the bank, including deputy governor, chief economist and head of the economics department.

Zeti was instrumental in advising the government to unpeg the Malaysian ringgit from the US dollar, as she had been in advising the government about implementing the peg in the first place. Many might have disagreed with the government's decision to peg the ringgit in 1998 during Asia's economic crisis, but few could argue with the competency with which it was carried out - Malaysia's central bank is one of Asia's most technically able and least corrupt.

Zeti has been prominent in the development of Islamic finance in Malaysia and internationally, such that the country is emerging as an important centre for Islamic finance, both in its practice and in developing the regulatory framework to support it. She studied economics at the University of Malaya, obtained her PhD from the University of Pennsylvania, and is published in the areas of monetary and financial economics, capital flows and macroeconomic management.

I was quite impressed and proud to read this article, having 4 Malaysian (who are Malay - not that I'm racist or anything, I'm just being proud of my ethnicity) among the top 20 Asian progressives. And let me tell you that there's only one Singaporean even though how 'kiasu' they are and how proud they are of their country being the only developed nation in South East Asia.

the last few days were filled with thoughts of better-fying myself. Yes, there's no such word as 'betterfying'. So what. After all, I am writing in bahasa Enggeris, unlike the common English language used all around.

The statement above, is a reference of the title, 'the fake intellectual'. I am, the perfect example, of a fake intellectual. Someone who looks and appear to know so much, but with a 3-seconds fish memory, her empty brain finds excuses, explanations and other alleys of escaping from being questioned on the verification of her stupid idiotic point of views.

as true as it is also labeled as 'brain farts', a fake intellectual also tend to nod to everything, as if, the subject had been studied and well-read hence, what they do is only to sit back and listen to other's points of view, on the said subject of course.

in terms of reading, a fake intellectual is not exactly a well-read person. he or she will try to read only one popular best-seller and went on and on about it, while the other books owned (yes, they try to own books as to make sure they appear well-read), are touched until the second chapter, when the reading progress, well, is not progressing at all.

a fake intellectual is usually a philosophical person, becos philosophy needs no validation, nor verification. a fake intellectual believes that in the presence of faith, logic is absent. hence, logic is considered only as a supporting perception if not secondary.

As people think I have what it takes, the only thing strong in me is the faith within my inner spirit that my excuses are acceptable thus escape me from elaborating further on anything while still manage to make a good impression of myself.

I am not reserved (though how much I preached I am), I'm not observant (for obvious reason, my ignorance can somewhat be a bliss since it made me look naive and innocent) and yes, I have a 3-seconds fish memory, which means that not only that I will not understand what I read (from the little amount of reading materials that I actually manage to hold in my hand), is that I can forget everything easily. Names, reasons, facts ... even date and days of the day.

a fake intellectual that I am, I will go around and write a lot of crap just to make myself look good. Yes, impressing people with quotes and the little and soon to be obsolete knowledge that is parking in my little brain for a short while.

I know I'm supposed to make this new blog as happier place. No, I'm not whining, nor ranting or the like. I'm actually stating the obvious truth. Just incase in the future, someone points their bloody finger rudely at me saying "Hey, You bloody hypocrte!", at least I have proof saying that I have cautioned everyone by publicly announcing my fake intellectuality and admit to any doubtful statements made. Owh, have I mention that I'm also an over-exaggerator?

with the awe of Malay-sian boleh (refer to above article excerpt), I plan to be a less fake intellectual, meaning, a fusion of fake, but with substance. Hence, this closing statement, further verify why a perfect fake intellectual like me is good at giving excuses which can be easily accepted and comprehended by mass public.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

when we understand what we said

walaupun tajuk diberi di dalam bahasa Enggeris, saya ingin menulis di dalam bahasa Ibunda saya, iaitu bahasa Melayu. Mereka yang kekal mengikuti perkembangan blog saya, pasti sudah maklum dengan corak penulisan bahasa Melayu saya. Memang saya gemar menulis, biarpun dikatakan seperti "skema" dan kadang kala melucukan hati.

Sebenarnya, saya ingin menulis sesuatu di dalam bahasa Enggeris, kerana, saya dididik untuk berfikir di dalam bahasa Enggeris ketika kecil. Memandangkan saya memulakan persekolahan saya bukan di Malaysia, pemahaman ABC saya agak berlainan, samalah juga corak pemikiran.

Tetapi, apabila memulakan tugas harian di pejabat, saya terlintas satu artikel daripada Bernama mengenai Beijing Foreign Studies University di negara China yang menawarkan satu kursus Pengajian Bahasa Melayu. Ini bukanlah sesuatu yang baru, kerana sebulan yang lepas, yayasan tempat saya mencari makan, menerima satu kunjungan daripada pelajar Walailak University atau di dalam bahasa Siam - Mahawithayalai Walailak yang terletak di Nakhon si Thammarat, bahagian Timur Selatan Siam. Pelajar-pelajar Siam tersebut sedang menjalani kursus Pengajian Bahasa Melayu di UiTM selama 5 bulan dan ketika penerangan mengenai yayasan yang saya berikan di dalam bahasa Enggeris, mereka agak diam dan terkebil kebil (barangkali kerana penat menangkap sebutan yang agak laju dilemparkan oleh saya ketika ditenggelami oleh perasaan gementar). Namun, ketika kami duduk di meja yang sama, mengenali satu sama lain, kami lebih selesa berbahasa Melayu. Owh, memandangkan pengetahuan saya yang cetek di dalam apa sahaja maklumat berkisar negara Siam, saya memberitahu mereka, yang saya tahu hanyalah kumpulan Same Same (ye, kembar daripada bekas kumpulan Moffats yang sedang menetap di negara Siam tetapi pelajar-pelajar ini semua tidak kenal mereka) dan MTV VJ Utt (owh, yang ini kenal pula mereka). Maka, saya memperkenalkan diri saya sebagai "Kak Nurol" atau panggilan yang lebih mesra, "Mrs. Utt". Mereka tertawa kelucuan.

Sungguh luas penguasaan Bahasa Melayu. Di institusi pengajian tinggi yang terdapat di Malaysia, kita mengambil bahasa ketiga sebagai subjek atau kursus elektif, sesuatu untuk menyempurnakan bilangan jumlah jam kredit, dan sesuatu untuk mengisi kelapangan sementelaah memerah otak menghafal benda benda serius yang lain. Walaupun ada sesetengah pelajar yang mengambil berat kursus tersebut, namun, tiada institusi pun yang ada mengkhususkan satu ijazah atau penngkhususan pembelajaran Mandarin (contohnya Ijazah Sarjana Muda Pengajian Antarabangsa denga pengkhususan Mandarin) atau mungkin bahasa-bahasa lain. Yang ada, barangkali Pengajian Bahasa Arab dan Pengajian bahasa Enggeris sebagai bahasa kedua. Pengajian Bahasa Arab juga dikhususkan untuk mendalami Islam dan al-Qur'an, bukanlah daripada konteks pengajian budaya dan bahasa.

Jika kita lihat sejarah telah membuktikan bahawa Tanah Melayu, pada kurun ke-15, adalah satu pengkalan bagi empayar-empayar terulung di rantau Asia. Penggunaan Bahasa Melayu amatlah meluas, sehingga pedagang-pedagang Cina, Gujerat malah daripada Barat, terpaksa mengolah bahasa mereka untuk diadaptasikan dengan Bahasa Melayu. Sehingga kini, kita boleh membuat kajian dimana, sesetengah bahasa Melayu moden adalah gabungan dan pengolahan yang mempunya elemen bahasa Portugis, bahasa Cina, bahasa Arab, dan sebagainya.

Walaupun saya secara amnya gemar bertutur di dalam bahasa Enggeris, mungkin kerana pembawakan dan persekitaran, namun, saya amat memegang tinggi bahasa Ibunda saya. Oleh sebab itu, amatlah sedih melihat, penulisan-penulisan yang dianggap karya peribadi oleh sesetengah pihak yang dicampur adukkan dengan bahasa percakapan dan bahasa pasar amat meluas sekali. Saya boleh membahasakan diri sebagai "aku" apabila bertutur, tetapi, di dalam penulisan, saya rasa sungguh tercemar. Tidak indah lagi bahasa Melayu yang dipasarkan secara akademik sejagat raya. Mahukah kita melihat penuntut daripada Karachi, yang belajar bahasa Melayu sebagai subjek utama, menulis karang berbunyi "aku bengang la dengan mamat tu"???? Tidak enak bukan? Jadi, sebelum kita lihat bahasa kita tercemar, janganlah kita sendiri mencemarkannya.

Tetapi, kelonggaran boleh dibuat di dalam bahasa pertuturan. Kerana bahasa pertuturan harus diadaptasi mengikut situasi, pendengar dan keadaan sekeliling. Lagipun, ia tidak mempunyai rekod bertulis. Lainlah anda mempunyai ahli transkripsi di sebelah anda untuk mencatatnya.

Penulisan saya, jika dibaca, barangkali lucu, dengan penggunaan ayat yang lucu lucu. Barangkali salah dari segi tatabahasa, kosa kata, dan sebagainya.

Tetapi inilah saya. Dan saya faham apa yang saya mahu katakan. Kerana, setinggi mana gunung yang saya daki, sejauh mana lautan yang saya renangi, bahasa Ibunda saya tetap bahasa Melayu, dan itu membuatkan saya bangga.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

dancing about architecture

talking about love is like dancing about architecture.

that was the tagline in the movie 'Playing by Heart'. how true can it be? like Joan (Angelina Jolie) said, "but that ain't gonna stop me."

yesterday, I called an old senior of mine, back from high school. a great lady who has been one of the reason for me to smile and be merry during my terrible high school years. nope, high school wasn't that terrible, I've gotten the privilege to make some decent life-long friends out of it.

as the night settled in, and the morning breeze started to fill the air, I was actually in the middle of the KL friday night galore when I texted her. She was so worried, noting that I wasn't that well in health. Then, she called me. Just for the sake to know that I won't be alone. Until I got back to my bedroom, when the line was disconnected, I called her again to bid a proper goodnight and to thank her for just, being the reason a sick girl to smile in the middle of the morning. Before we hung up, she said, "I love you so much." I replied, "I love you too."

its been awhile since I've uttered those words.

I used to be that affectionate person, who relentlessly giving and giving those warm gestures, affectionate hugs and whatever within my means. I used to say I love you to most of my friends when I hung up the phone with them.

lately. it has been pretty tough for me. maybe becos the person I would want to love most, appear very distant, no matter how close we are seated beside each other, even through hugs, I can feel the distance, the space that grew wider and wider pushing us both apart from each other. I, myself, have turned into a bitter person. who, lost the meaning of affection. if I was a dancer, I'd be out of my rhythm. if I was an architect, I've spilled coffee on my blueprints. thats how it feels. I feel sad all the time. even though I laugh and I joked around. its not the same.

last night was good. despite everything else. everything happens for a reason. maybe it was to remind me, to be less bitter, less sad, and tell those I love, that I do love them, even it can get irritating and annoying at times.

Friday, May 18, 2007

the innocent bystander

a couple of colleagues called me "innocent Nurol", for my blurriness in some of the conversation and my constant innocent and blurred face when some remarks and gestures were made.

I corrected them, that innocent might not be the word, just 'blur' but they went on with 'innocent'.

which made me think, how innocence can simply be misunderstood. how subjective innocence can be.

[ insert Enigma's 'Return to Innocence' in the background ]

I do enjoy being in close proximity to innocence. For some odd reasons, it cleanses your thoughts and your soul. This is specifically subjected to being in the vicinity of a baby, or babies at large. Yes, babies are the purest souls on earth, their innocence speaks to you through their eyes and I am simply mesmerized by their angelic presence.

It has been days since I gotten sick, and my body server was temporarily down. My mind seems to be lacking of everything, understanding, comprehension, sensibility. And my heart appear insensitive towards, well ... everything. Everything I've said or done were, merely, said and done. Heartless and crude. By no means of hurting anyone, causing pain nor making harsh or sarcastic remarks, I ended up, feeling, nothing. Except for the fact that I'm totally weak and on medication 24/7.

so this is me, the innocent bystander. neither here nor there, although physically, I am around. I am reading. I am writing. Presence are there, but absence in terms of spirit. Yes, thats what I've lost. The spirit.

We'll see if the spirit comes back again. For this weekend, I chose to be what I am right now. A NO ONE who just happened to be around.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Hello Malaysia

well, its been awhile since I wrote anything. Yes, a blogging-addict who usually post more than one entry per day has come to know that her brain, can somehow, faced technical malfunction. Thus, the few days of none blogging. Not to say that I have a lot to write about anyway, but hey, being me, I am so used to writing crap until crap has become my official middle name. That is next to "weird", "freak" and so forth.

Right about now, I'm recovering from some stupid flu, sore throat and fever that I got somewhere and also, trying hard to get that holiday mood out of me so that I can start on my work. Being sick doesn't help much I guess. I took my medication early this morning after some breakfast and I'm damn sure that boss saw me with my eyes closed a few times.

Well, lets blame it on the drugs.

I am sick and I'm forcing myself to write an entry. Its funny that I'm getting more hits than my usual hits when I update regularly. Are people really looking forward for my next post, or they're checking in to see whether I have died or not?

Yes, ms drama huh? Lets blame it on the drugs again.

I'll write when I'm practically sane. Right now, its those damn drugs!

Monday, May 14, 2007

apologies in advanced

Dear friends and Travelers of the Cosmic Abyss,

I'd like to inform you that this site will be deleted and will be diverted to my new Cosmic Abyss blog in Wordpress [] for some obvious and confidential reasons.

Please proceed to the given site and do remember to change the cosmic abyss link at your respective blogs and again, sorry for the inconveniences.

I will keep you updated with any other info.

More updates can also be found in my Flickr page - [].

Warmest Regards,
The Mistress of the Abyss

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

finding hope

they meet when things weren't tough.

they were two different people from two different world.

one who lost hope that no matter how much love she has inside, she would never deserve to be loved.

the other one lost faith that there is someone out there who would love, unconditionally, endlessly and sincerely.

they met in a weird web of connections.

one was finding the meaning of life.

the other was finding the space to breathe from a hectic life.


human being is a complex subject matter. studies been done, fields expanded and dedicated to narrow it down. yet no one can understand the true form of human heart, that of feelings, that of things, unknown to the microscopes and chemicals in the lab.


its the thinking that brought us knowledge. its the feeling that brought us love.

will the one who doesn't deserve anyone's love, be able to love unconditionally, endlessly and sincerely?

will the one who lost faith in the possibility of true love deserve someone with so much love inside?

lets us all find hope. and ask her if she'll drop by in our lives.

*notice the change in the background? owh yes, thats my hair. and no, I don't have kutu! hehehe ....

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Tuesday, May 08, 2007

on second thoughts

I must apologise for all the vulgar words written in my previous post, and all the negative energy transmitted out.

after writing it, I took a long breath, inhaled and exhaled, and found my chi.

I don't like negativity. I told Salmi, that, if I bumped into those unfortunate souls and they were dying on the street, saya masih tidak busuk hati lantas menelefon ambulans.

being an instant bitch, is infact, instant and quick and for a short period of time.

those who knows me know that I'm the least person who can go mad or angry about anything. my only outlet of rage and wrath is through sarcasm.

with warm regards,


building up confidence

I know this is endless, again and again, I kept of pathetically bore you with my lame ass stories of how my confidence was shattered by the help of some unfortunate souls on earth.

well, quite recently one of those unfortunate souls came back haunting my life.

he saw my profile, and add me a comment, which, thanked god, under moderation so it was up for me to approve or not. he said something about "do you remember me, I budak mrsm tdk, ala, sherry. you dulu sekolah .... " bla bla bla.

I was a bit stunned for a moment, surprised the next, later got disgusted. how dare these people, thinking they can just dropby with some shit ass comment as if they know me. yes, I am a bitch, I'm not nice. I deleted the comment and felt miserably bad, called my friend Alin (refer previous post), eventually woke her up in the middle of the afternoon to share my disgust for like 3 minutes before I rushed off for a meeting. ( I bet Alin was a bit surprised herself to hear me screaming and ranting for a quick 3 minutes, hahaha). Later that night, she called me up and we talked about 2 hours condemning this poor unfortunate souls.

yes, I can be a bitch in an instant. no need to add warm water or whatever. no need 3 minutes. within seconds, I can be a very cynical sarcastic bitch.

but believe me, if you experienced what I had, you either

a. committed suicide (provided you're a pretty emotional teenager who lives within the need of social acceptance)

b. broke down (within 5 months from spm)

c. hate men for the rest of your life (uhuh, well, I know men taste good, at least some men does, so I rather not, hahahaha ...)

d. be a very cynical sarcastic bitch like me, in an instant!

okay ... so it was days until I came across a blog entry by my dear senior who wrote about the same experiences faced by her friend, in the same school at the same time, but of course, different batch. I wrote a comment stating how ironic it was to be reading the post when I am, at that time, came across a past who purposely come haunting me back.

she asked me

Abby dearie!

I was actually wondering (and I forgot to ask), which piece of your past came haunting u when u came across my blog entry?

If u dun mind sharing!

I replied

just some guys back from maktab tracking me back thru friendster, thinking that just becos they were young and immature, what they've done in the past is forgivable. I don't think so. I personally think, if at a very young age, you can manage to feel guiltless calling people "babi", "pantat" and so forth, you are just the same today, your mentality won't change. its like a rapist saying he knew not better to rape a 5 years old 10 years ago, and now he has change. to me, thats all bullshit.

being young and immature is no excuse to ruin people's life. the brain god gave you is the same then as it is now. sorry I got carried away, this is why I try not to explain. hehehehehe ...

after I replied to her comment requesting the explanation, I had the urged of telling this to that sucker. so I did.

I messaged him on friendster.


"I came a LONG WAY from inferiority complex thanks to the guys I went to school with. Don't take shit from those dickheads these days. I just enjoy my music, my beloved friends and my guilty pleasures. Period. and I'm happy."

Awak adalah antara lelaki di maktab yang saya takkan lupa menjerit memanggil saya "Abby Babi" dan juga antara mereka yang menghantar surat layang kepada saya menyatakan "kenapa muka kau buruk macam pantat, macam babi."

I forgive you although you didn't apologise. Mungkin ketika itu seronok memanggil seorang budak perempuan yang hodoh dengan perkataan "buruk", "pantat" dan "babi".

Saya takkan tulis dalam bahasa inggeris lagi, mungkin awak takkan faham. Cuma nak jelaskan keadaan ini. Mungkin, suatu hari, anak perempuan awak akan menghadapi situasi sebegini, dipanggil babi dan pantat. ketika itu, bersedialah untuk berkata "abah dulu pun macam tu, biasalah budak lelaki nak have fun". Senyumlah ketika anak perempuan awak menghadapi satu tahap di dalam hidupnya yang dia fikir dia adalah memang "babi" berupa "pantat" yang tidak layak dilihat semua lelaki di dalam dunia.

Sekian, wassalam.

it took him 1 week to reply, with some lame ass english (mine isnt that good either but his was worst!)

huhu.. nvm.. i forgot about it already.. well, im sorry for everything i've done.. at the age of 25 years old, im regret for whatever i did in the past especially when im totally sux & immatured time.. well its up to u wether u want accept me or not.. i just wanna start a new life and forget the past.. let me introduce myself, my name is sharizal.. nice to know u.. ^_^ ..

okay. what the fuck did he meant by saying "nvm"????? he has no reason to make immaturity to be the excuse of calling me "babi", "muka macam pantat", "hodoh nak mampos" etc. even if my "muka macam pantat" pun, ada ke I embarass dia?????

my high school years was spent feeling miserable, thinking I don't deserve even to look at boys, for the whole 4 years.

it took me a lot of patience, tolerance, to not break down, to move on, to grow up and to learn what is confidence.

even without being trashed, people have been struggling to gain confidence of themselves, and I, have tried, the best, my best, to be where I am, to not even understand the concept of social acceptance and enjoying it, but also to be at the forefront, giving speeches, being emcees, forum moderators, facilitators, leaders and whatnot.

I spent the entire night having dinner with my girl salmi and blurting things out. when she pointed out how serious the subject was and how it was really hard gaining confidence after what had happened to me, I realised why I am so pissed off, why I deserved to be pissed of and why, I am allowed and feel guiltless of being a cynical sarcastic bitch.

its not easy building up confidence when you had yours smashed down to the ground, and you bent down, picking up the pieces, putting it back together until it looks so damn perfect to be back on top of the shelves.

in form 3, I had my name carved at another class's noticeboard stating "akma, kau tu buruk, buat apa kau kawan dengan budak budak cantik".

in form 3, they burnt my desk wrapper and all the stuff I had under that wrapper.

in form 4, they put in my test papers that I failed to answer correct "dah la buruk, bodoh pulak tu".

in form 5, they gave me a letter stating "hey, apsal kau buruk sangat huh? dah la muka macam babi, macam pantat pun ada. hoi, dah nak spm ni, jadi la babi yang educated sikit"

and I had the nerve to reply back the letter, asking why did they do all this to me, what have I done wrong and why can't they think if these things ever happen to their mother, sisters, how would they feel?

they took my letter, and during night prep, they stand in front of the class, "eyh, korang nak dengar tak aku baca satu surat ni", read my letter out loud and laughed their asses off.

I didn't do anything, I sat and cried all the way till I left the school. I had trouble adjusting to environment with boys. I felt terribly ugly all the time.

now you tell me, have I done good building up my confidence? or was it forgivable for them as they grew up? is that an excuse to treat me like that? being young and immature? is that an excuse?

btw guys, if you did this when you were in school, track that girl back and apologise. before she curse your family to hell. becos I did. I cursed their family to hell!



Sunday, May 06, 2007

to being safe. to being on air. to being gorgeous.

abby and alin

So, she's leaving on a jetplane. literally. I didn't give her any farewell gift. let me give this poem, for f*%# sake. heh.

----- # -----

to being safe
like the secure feeling that I feel
when I hug you so dearly
and I feel you so close to me.

to being on air
not just on the airplane
but as a guiding soul who looks after
when I'm lost and in need of guidance.

to being gorgeous
not with superficiality in the world
but the beauty of the soul
that you have beneath that tender smile of yours.

its weird, we don't meet that much
its funny, we don't talk that much
but thats no excuse to not love you as much
and thats no excuse to not miss you this much.

----- # -----

those were my final toast as we raised our glasses and see each other's smiles. they look around for someone with the right final words. I look around, glanced towards her and ended up staring at the glasses high up touching each other. I spoke out loud.

To Alin. to being safe. to being on air. to being gorgeous.

See you in a few months time babe. I love you so much!


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Saturday, May 05, 2007

writing about love

The Meaning of LOVE

Both light and shadow
are the dance of Love,
Love has no cause;
it is the astrolabe of God's
Lover and Loving are
and timeless.

Although I may try to
describe Love
When I experience it I am speechless.
Although I may try to write
about Love
I am rendered helpless;
my pen breaks and the paper
slips away
at the ineffable place
Where Lover, Loving and
Loved are one.

Every moment is made glorious
by the light of Love.

-Jelalluddin Rumi-

----- # -----

Since talking about Love is like Dancing about Architecture, I wanted to write about love, but I am definitely rendered helpless.

How can you explain a heart?
How can you feel a tear?
How can you mend a heart, that's broken and disappeared?

I asked a friend, if I am a reserved person. She blurted out a quick and big "NO". How can I attract someone who loves a reserved person. Then, I know that is where I started off with a wrong foot. Either that or I knocked on the wrong door.

What is right and what is wrong? What an opened ended discussion. Some people chose right and still wondered the what if's of wrongdoings. Some people chose wrong and find comfort.

I chose whats most appropriate. I chose what I felt close to heart. I chose the best.

The best has yet to chose me.

Life is part choice and part chance.

Its the choices you've made through the chances given. Chances are, you'll find a smile in your inner soul. Chances are, again, you might not.

In these twisting words and explanations, lies the truth about love. Unknowingly, my subconscious wrote about love.

Love makes you dwell into a lot of things which are insignificant in general, but god and goddess of the small things.

Love makes you think of all the seven deadly sins and turns them into wonders and joyous element of happiness.

Love is what I feel and say but can never be understood by others.

Love is you and love is me.

Love is dancing in the moonlight and singing in the rain.

Love makes the moon feels so much closer and the sun, so much cooler.

Love makes you feel focused at times and lost the next minute.

Love said, "Dance with me, baby"

I say, "I can't dance"

Love smiled, "I'll show you how. I'll let you step on my feet. Just dance with me"

I asked, "Why such determination?"

Love explained, "When you dance with me, I can feel you close to me. I can feel your heart beats with mine, and I can feel your tenderness grooving with the same music playing in my ears. At times, I can kiss you and smell your neck. Or maybe, I can just rest my head on your shoulders. I want to feel secure in your arms, but I want us standing on our own feet. I want the people to know we're together, the passion that we share, but at times, I like to glide us to somewhere at the end of the dancefloor, where its darker and I can feel just the two of us. I want to understand you and we move on the same rhythm. I want to lead and I want to let you lead. Most of all, I want us to be together, if not forever, but enough to enjoy and understand each other. So we can say, the next time, we are born to be dance partners."

I took her hand and slowly walk to the middle of the dancefloor.

She was right.

We are born to be dance partners.

Love and I.


Friday, May 04, 2007

a sulker

please read it correctly, sul-ker, not sucker okay! heh.

sulk [suhlk] –verb (used without object) remain silent or hold oneself aloof in a sullen, ill-humored, or offended mood: Promise me that you won't sulk if I want to leave the party early.
2.a state or fit of sulking.
3.sulks, ill-humor shown by sulking: to be in the sulks.
4.Also, sulker. a person who sulks.
Source courtesy of []

well, maybe I'm both. who knows. I suck, at times. and I have this personal habit of sucking my thumb. well, okay, you can read it wrongly, its still true about me anyways.

so, I sulk. yes, its only human to sulk.

but I guess, you can only sulk with the people you love.

it would be pretty weird to start sulking towards a stranger. he/she will be like "WTF???"

sometimes, its supposed to be a flattery attempt, to show that you actually love the other person, that you actually care.

in other ways, yes, totally annoying to be sulking all the time. I'd give a bitch-slap to a sulker too. a pathetic whining sulker that is.

its tiring to explain to a sulker, I know so because I am a sulker and I am also someone who likes to explain.

I know there's no obligation in explaining yourself. First and foremost, I am actually a very shy and quiet person (I know tons are peeing themselves laughing to this). I am. Honestly. Heh.

Okay, I know thats bull. But put me in some new environment and with a lot of chatty people, I stay quiet and observant. I don't speak my mind too much, hence the blog, the only outlet where I can write everything down.

so, sulking wouldn't be a problem when all I have to do is to remain silent and eat my own heart out for the fact that I am indeed guilty of judging without proof, then sulk.

I think, I should not sulk anymore. Okay, maybe thats too much to ask. Maybe, I shouldn't sulk too much. Less sulking. More thinking wisely. But remain silent. Yes. Most definitely.

I'm not the "into your face" type of person. When I get angry, I remain silent. When I sulk, I remain silent. When I think someone I love is so beautiful and nice, I remain silent.

Yes, I have the right to remain silent. Because everything I said, will be used against me in the court of law. This is proven true. Everything have the tendency of backfiring when this stupid sarcastic mouth of mine opens.

This time, I should apologise for sulking with no apparent reason. And stop making stupid assumptions that might lead me to sulk for no apparent reason.

Then, if I sulk somemore, I am indeed a sucker.



Thursday, May 03, 2007

growing pains

do you grow up in love?

do you let love grow up in you?

do you grow up with the thought that love is a happy ending occasion?
(are you for real?? hehehe)

I let love grew up in me and I grow to love what love brings to me.

I grew fond of the person and the comfort grow between us.

I see myself a lot when I love someone. I see the better side of me. I end up loving myself.

Its true when Rumi wrote:

If I love myself
I love you.
If I love you
I love myself.

The pain comes when I needed space. Space between us meaning space between me and myself. And I'm utterly lost. Lost in the space I claimed I needed.

I'm not saying that loving someone might lead to vanity or narcissism.

When love and comfort grew between you and the beloved, filling up the space and distance, when you decided to take it all away, emptying the space, it felt like letting a boat float without an anchor.

I just finished watching "Playing by Heart" and I'd like to share part of the movie with you. I know its an old movie from 1998, but I adore Angelina Jolie so much so this is the line when she first appear in the movie:

I have a friend,
a jazz musician, trumpet player.

Really terrific. And I go
and hear him jam every month or so.

And he plays this piece I love:
an old Chet Baker song.

And he blows the same notes every time,
but every time it sounds different.

And we had drinks one night--
when I used to drink--

and I tried to tell him
how that song made me feel...

how the music made me feel
and how his playing made me feel.

And he just kept shakin'
his head, and he said...

"Joan, you can't talk about music.

Talking about music is like
dancing about architecture."

I just said, "Well, gonna
get all philosophical on me.

It's just as pointless as
talking about a lot of things.

Love, for instance."

And my friend laughed, and he said,
"Definitely. Most definitely.

Talking about love is
like dancing about architecture."

So I don't know.
He might be right.

But it ain't gonna stop me from trying.
Neat huh. Enjoy your day folks. Its back to work!
(btw, have you check my flickr? hehehehehehehe .....)


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Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Back to Nature: the Kampung Girl

okay, before you start to imagine me berkemban in my kain batik throwing a pail of cold water upon my face in slow motion in an airy outdoor bathroom with zinc walls, here, I have to disappoint you by stating that Opah's house has water heater and an indoor bathroom for almost 2 decades now and I haven't been showering in kain batik for quite some time and even if I do ... errr ... I might not keep them on until I finish showerin. hehe (woah, I might start a new imagination all together there!)

anyways, the journey back was quite good, an escapade from the busy urban life, late night hangouts, coffees, caffeine, coke, nicotine, alcohol, dancing, and pretty much the like. once awhile, I am actually innocent. heh. we pushed off after breakfast, around 11am (yes, after mama watched a couple of movies on HBO while waiting for us. hehehe)

the must have

We arrived at Batu Gajah and stopped by my aunt's place at Kampung Sg. Terap for lunch. Its been awhile since I really had a kampung meal and nasi putih panas + gulai tempoyak + sambal tempoyak is just, woah, mengenyangkan seh! seriously, I even tambah nasi. Hahaha. And if you really know me, I'm not so much of an eater, friends have this problem of making sure I finish the food on my plate and I know some during my campus life, who would advise me and make sure I take my lunch. And getting kisses from my 18 year-old cousin, who, like my youngest brother, are very much spoilt by us. Everytime I meet him, he will come up, give me a big hug (he's 5'8" now) and kissed me passionately on both cheeks like a loving brother. I would play with his hair and give him a rub on the shoulders. Yeah. We're pretty much pampered at home. It runs in the blood.

We left my aunt's place and dropped by my dad's house at Kampung Sentang in Batu Gajah. The house was built originally for my dad's retirement but we had to rent it out so that someone would look after it since colonel decided to stick around KL for a few more years upon his retirement this coming July. After a courteous visit to the new tenant, we head back to Parit. There's only my Mak Nyah (dad's second sister, 59 and unmarried) and Opah. Opah had some ear infection so she couldn't hear properly. Yes, that adding up to her hearing disability, so I felt a bit rude having to shout everytime I talk to her. But she wasn't expecting us and she was going on and on how she actually dreamt of my dad earlier that afternoon and here we are now, in her house. So its kind of sweet. Well, sweet aside, I fell asleep through the heavy rain (despite sleeping in the car and being the honourable passenger and yes, filling up my tummy with lots of gulai/sambal tempoyak - typical Perakian of me).

I woke up around 6pm only to pester my dad to take me to bendang (paddy field). At first, colonel hesitated since its nearly dusk and the mosquitoes are out for dinner but later on, he was at the front yard waiting for me. Since my younger siblings were busy taking their baths and whatnot, it was sort of quality time for me and colonel who abided to my photography desires and he even pointed out which area to have better angles for my shots. He walked me through the 'batas' and told me the story of the family's paddy heritage and history.

the colonel guiding the paddy tour

We got back, only to have the rest of the family waiting for us to go to my aunt's (Mak Dah) place at Parit Jaya, on the other side of Sg Perak, still in Parit of course. We head to Mak Dah's house and I had my shower there. (Seriously tak malu datang bawak baju and mandi suka hati). Had some good chat with my cousin Ijan. Being partners in crime, its just too bad that Muid didn't came along, if not, me, Muid and Ijan would be cruising the streets of Ipoh late at night and took some fantastic photography. But me and Ijan made a pat for the next Java International Jazz Festival, insya'ALLAH, if God is willing for us to go to Jakarta. Hopefully next year. That would be a good trip. Owh, did I mention about our coming Angkor Watt trip? Hehehe, I'm psyched! God's willing (Amin!)

We got back home, and Mak Nyah already prepared dinner, again, I ate a lot. Hehehehehe ... Yes! Rice and lots of gulai tempoyak, ulam jantung pisang, sambal mangga! And rendang ayam! Hehehe. Tambah nasi lagi!

After dinner, we head to Ipoh, to my Abah Lope (dad's eldest brother) because he invited to Kenduri Arwah/Doa Selamat he organised for Tuk Wan (Abah Lope's mother-in-law) and for my cousin brother Faizal who's leaving for Sweden next week to further his Masters in Marine Biology. Cik Yang (Faizal's name at home) always tease me, so, he was asking me when I'm getting married and so forth. And mama, of course, started to interfere in the conversation, asking if he has friends he can hook me up with. Cik Yang started giving all these young lecturers' names to me, some of them potentially flying off to further their studies (yes, long distance relationship never fails to interest me, imagine - total freedom with knowing you'll have a secure plan behind your back, hahahaha!). I told him, I'll let him know once he comes back from Sweden in the next 2 years. Unfortunately, Cik Yang is leaving behind his 4-months pregnant wife, Kak Zura and his 3 years old daughter. We left much later after we cut the cake for my nephew Ashraf who turned 2 years old on Labour Day and catch up with my cousins on their life with kids. Heh. I have no kids. I can't share my stories on night life, late night hangouts and excessive dosage of friends and excessive consumption of guilty pleasures now, can I? hehehe ...

Once we reached home, I forgo my desire to moon-gazing and went straight to sleep at 11.30pm after some reading. Hohoho, lena tidur sampai 7.30am. That was early. Very early! Then again, its the kampung ambience I guess.

breakfast kampung style!

After breakfast, colonel took us to bendang again, this time around specifically for the pleasure of my younger siblings. He also shown us the bamboo spot where my great grandfather dug two old tempayan filled with pasir kuning (gold!) and it was said that one tempayan was given to a 'megat' family who later became rich. One of the tempayan was buried back at the bamboo spot and will in the future find its rightful owner. Well, I can't assure you the truth in this but I recorded my Opah spilling the whole legendary story of the said "tempayan berisi pasir kuning tertanam dekat buluh kuning sebelah bendang". Cool or what! But no, I'm not gonna dig it up, and btw, the yellow bamboo is no longer there, except from a very bushy and muddy area with yes, a bamboo tree.

the said location of the treasure.

We got back home, Abah Lope and Mak Dah dropped by, I dropped myself on the bed and we waved goodbye to Opah and Mak Nyah around 12pm. Stopped by at Batu Gajah then head straight to KL. Owh yes, of course, a stop to the Ulu Bernam R&R for the famous Yik Mun pau. We used to stop at the original restaurant in Tanjung Malim when I was younger and the mee hailam is always my favorite. I guess I've mentioned that once in my earlier postings. Yes, I have this habit of repeating the same ol' story, so now, its either I start writing a new blog to a new target audience, or start finding new friends. hehehe. Can't change my habits tho. They're what I'm made of. Then, I'm made of the same lame ol' habits. Hahahaha.

I'm not so much a kampung girl but I'm always open to adventures and hard life. I know that sounds a bit too good to be true, but being me who isn't picky about anything, I simply love the kampung life, the modesty of it, the whole thing, the sleeping at the front hall, the heat sunny afternoons and the cold breezy nights. The mosquitoes are quite irritating but thats what makes a kampung what it is.

This time around, I recorded most of Opah's stories on my HPiPaq and I felt good because, at times, I will replay it, and connect to the stories, the legend, that made me, who I am.

We don't know where we're heading to if we don't know where we came from, again and again I remind myself.

I want to know where I'm heading to. And I want to know where I came from.

Thats it for now.

This is me sharing part of my life, voluntarily.



Tuesday, May 01, 2007

selamat tidak bekerja

Happy Labour Day to everyone in Malaysia!

I'll be heading back to Parit, Perak in the next hour to visit my Opah and I probably get started with my photography bit. Gonna be flickring pretty actively with the help of Picasa and Adobe Photoshop. Hehehe ...

Well, to the rest of you out there, smile always and be happy okay.

I am sad, in a way, that I felt a little lost in me. But, what's lost here, is found somewhere else. And when you start looking for something, you find something else. The magical touch of serendipity in life. (",)

Thanks for dropping by! Much love and God Bless!

(btw, hope the new layout is quite okay. Yeah, I know, too many images of me, now everyone thinks I'm vain!)