The Cosmic Wise and Crappy Words

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Peh Chak Cha (Pecha Kucha)

Saturday, has been one of the great day to date. Last Saturday I mean. And I think its just fair to share it here.

I started the day early for class in UTAR. To update everyone, I've just started a 2-months "Fundraising and Communication" course organised by the Centre of Extension Education, held in Universiti Tunku Abdul Rahman (UTAR), PJ. The classes started since 19th June (Tuesday) and will end on the 11th August. 3 classes a week, that will take my Tuesday and Thursday nights (6.30pm to 9.30pm) and Saturdays (9am-12pm) away from me. But whats really make me smile last class was during the morning tea break, one of the lecturers came up to me and told me that he find my presentation (we had a group discussion and presentation earlier on) was quite exuberant (his words!) and would like it if I be among the 2 chosen for an individual presentation for his session. Thats cool huh?! That shud make future classes more interesting.

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I went back with a good feeling and my sister and bro-in-law came by for lunch so we had like a bigger family lunch than usual. After that, Muid and I rushed to Avenue K for our Pecha Kucha & Design Dayz event.

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Okay, first of all, I have to tell you that I belong to a design collective called DigitalMalayaProject, founded by my brother Muid. For almost 5 years, I've been following him around to contemporary art exhibitions, and some graffiti art bombings (legal ones) and have supported the scene but I never was am creative to even begin with. In the collective, we have top people of their respective fields, Muid being one of the top digital artist and web designers in Malaysia, Perez, a great video animator, Shieko, a top Malaysian illustrator and Riz Ainuddin, an upcoming model/actor who have made it in the advertising world. So being amateur at everything I do, including writing, my only creative contribution comes from the supportive energy that I bring to each and every event I went to. Mingling around with all these top top graphic designers have been amazing. And when you're among these creative energies, you can't help but feeling inspired to do something. So, I turn to poetry and photography. With a 4.0megapixel Nikon camera, I shot my pictures,without any technical knowledge, let alone expertise. So, thats the history before we come to this Pecha Kucha.

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Last month, Muid told me that British Council has invited DigitalMalaya to participate for their Design Dayz and Pecha Kucha night at Avenue K. It will be a 6 minutes 40 seconds talk with 20 slides of powerpoint presentation, showing at 20 seconds length each. So, Muid told me to submit 5 of my photography works for the collective. I was a bit surprised but as usual I did a last minute submission and Muid and Perez compiled everyone's job into that 20 slides of powerpoint presentation.

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Anyways, back to 3pm, we rushed to Avenue K and arrived there in time for Muid to check on the presentations and me to listened to some of the afternoon speakers. We listened to Kamil Yunus, a person I've never heard of but apparently one of the old people in the industry. However, I didn't really get his point, I can't say that his work is not that good because some of the shots (in the clip he presented) were fairly good. But his comments on the disappointing quality of new designers and degrading their potential was very irrelevant. His adversity to the new minds made him look a bit too cocky of his own potential. Especially when he went on about him being able to study in Yale, and his accounts with Petronas and whatnot. And I know everyone has their own style, but speaking to an enthusiastic crowd who came all the way to hear you talk while you sit there looking at your Mac, not looking at your audiences and kept on brushing and playing with your hair, shows that you don't respect your audience. Well, good for him that he is well-established, went to Yale, making millions of ringgit, but hell, if you can't be open to accept other people's potential, then, you're a disappointment yourself. Especially to the future generation who needed your support. It was funny when one minute, he said he would pay for people to ask him questions, and the next, he complained on the questions shot to him. Well, his segment was topped off by Chin Weng Keong, who gave a great talk on Marketing Communications with great case studies to support and educate the audience. Weng Keong, the founder and Managing Director of Arachnid, gave an insight on how the business works and this is an added advantage for designers because its not all about being creative, its also about being able to sell your creativity in means of sharing it with the world. Although Weng Keong was bombarded with questions by Kamil Yunus, being a very realistic and open-minded person, he countered every single question with what he had previously mentioned, as to substantiate and inter-relate everything that he had said throughout his segment. Furthermore, the case studies on Stolen A3, Yellowball, Monopoly Live and Pacai's music website gave the audience a complete understanding on the rise of engagement marketing. I didn't really focused on the last speaker of the day because was already busy with dinner plans so that we can be on time for Pecha Kucha that starts at 8pm.

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Long story cut short (yeah right, yang dah story tu pendek sangat ke????), here are my personal 2 slides of 20 seconds each that we presented for Pecha Kucha.

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After Pecha Kucha ended around 10.30pm, we headed down to Pelita and basically lepak there until 3am, talking endlessly about A LOT of stuff and laughing our asses off like crazy. Its been awhile. After rounds of coffees, limau ais, milo ais, teh ais, maggi goreng and lots of ciggies, we walked to the car (from Pelita to AmBank) and the night ended perfectly.

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Last Saturday was great. Even better, I wasn't bugged until 1pm on Sunday. Hehehehe ....... Yeah, I spent the Sunday sleeping my head off. Today is Tuesday and I got class. Can't wait for another great saturday. I'd like to thank the DMP Collective, Muid for pushing me to do this, Perez, Shieko and Riz for the collaboration, Salmi for coming early with Man and Fahmi and practically hangout with me while trashing the bad speakers (as mentioned above, hehehe), Elyna, Ibah, Zatyl, Eka and Tini who came upon my invitation and supported us throughout our 6 minutes 40 seconds presentation. Too bad Riz was out of town, if not, the whole DMP Collective could've had our official hangout session. Not to forget the British Council people, Suneeta and Patrianna (and also Patrianna's sister Sandra who came to help), kudos to Juan from BigBrosWorkshop who did a funny presentation, Mr. Izu who dropped by to support the event and everyone else who participated.

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Next up will be 7th July, organised by galleriiizu and I heard the location might be at CM. I'm not quite sure but DMP will feature a video composition which will be more interesting. I hope! Heh. I'm just psyched to start layout-ting my portfolio!

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

reality slap

its funny being a realist. I think its funny. Becos I am one. A realist, I mean. And the funniest part is that, you get all dreamy and still be able to distinguished the dream and the reality and with a snap of the finger, you're back as the realist, when for awhile ago, you were soaring up high, dreaming of something.

unfortunately for realists, they are practical. And as much as dreams may come true for some people, realistically speaking, life is about being practical. so, its hard for them to dream. They often relate it to practicality and dreaming, ain't nowhere near to being practical.

so, we realists, often give ourselves reality slaps. becos, as much as we would want to dream, its the reality that kicks in for a clear perspective.

but having said (or written) all these, if things are doable in real life, if it can be adjusted in reality, some dreams can be achievable, its just that, they're no longer dreams. hence, it all becomes practical, doable, acceptable and comprehendable in life. and looking back, it will no longer considered a dream, just an ambition. an ambition one have less confident in the beginning, thinking it was a dream, but managed to find ways and how bout to achieve it.

so, a realist that I am, I believe highly on being practical, and having confidence in what I can personally do. And right now, love is partly a dream not considered as a priority in my plans, and realistically speaking, life is a lot more if you learn to love yourself first. at least that is not a dream. becos you will reciprocate and you will never disappoint yourself.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

what will matter

I haven't been updating my blog for 6 days now, so unlike me when every single day I stared at the monitor, having lots of thoughts to write down but felt strangely tired of writing. And even now, I'm practically forcing myself to type all this. What has gotten into me, have the writing passion drained out from my blood? I've been encountering too many brilliant writers and what I can say is that, I felt terribly low compared to them. I realised, not only am I a bad writer (technically, skim thru the posts and you can detect millions of grammatical errors), but, my crap has gotten worst. And not only that, I have yet to feel the need to compose a poem. Or is it becos the love, the passion, the burning of hot passionate love feeling inside me, is draining out? if that is so, its good for the person I'm waiting for. maybe my ability to "berkarya" can be something I had to let go, in order to let go of the love that will go nowhere.

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these couple of days, I've been attending somewhat of a political seminar. My mind got tangled by all sorts of political views which made me question my existence there, since I have yet to register myself as a voter. This reminds me of a certain memory I had when I was a young girl. I used to want to be a politician. yeah yeah, roll over the street laughing for all I care, but, at that time, from what I understood (then), a "wakil rakyat" voices out the people's wants and desires for a better life and I thought if that is a good way in helping others, why not. Why not help others. Maybe what I see there is goodwill, and what I look up to is the means of helping others. Well, I was young and at that time, Malaysia was helping out with the Bosnian refugees and did I mention that I was young?

today, right after the seminar, I concluded, what politicians are, are a bunch of people using a group of other people to execute their personal agendas. some have quite respectable agendas in which partly to help others. while the rest are out there to tell the world that their bare existence on earth is needed and their voice are great divine to be heard. I know some usage of words might seem a bit exaggerated but thats how self esteem can destroy a normal human being. So, I laughed at myself for a minute for that 'once upon a time' ambition of mine, then thought, hey, I was young, a small curious girl who wanted no less than to be a Very Important Person in the community. owh, have I told you I once wanted to be Malaysia's first woman prime minister. heh. I think, that too, should be thrown in the rubbish bin along with my ambition to be a police inspector, a lawyer and an accountant (another ambition my dad had that I purposely kill after my diploma).

but, nonetheless, I did learn a lot during the 2 day seminar (aside from the real nature of politicians), and being the person that I am, a believer that everything happens for a reason, am actually grateful for attending that seminar. hey, look at the consolation, some eye candies to feast my eyes!

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I stumbled upon an entry written in Datuk Ahmad A. Talib's blog, about his former colleague. It hit me that the former colleague is also my former colleague, actually, a superior when I did my training in Maxis. Datuk Ahmad wrote about her son's ailment, and I felt so bad for not keeping in touch with her. I looked through my phonebook for her number and texted her, in hopes that she is still using that number. sometimes, we get too consumed and occupied with ourselves, we forgot about others. I once felt bad about not keeping in touch regularly with my friends and a friend told me its a 'high-school' attitude that I have. On the contrary, I think its just me being courteous. I'm still hoping for a reply from that former colleague of mine so that I can regularly ask the wellbeing of her son. I felt bad becos last september, which is actually 6 months after leaving Maxis, she texted me a birthday wish. Hurm ...

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And to end this long overdue post of mine, I'd like to share a poem which I heard from the seminar (see, not all political jumbo mambo were rambled there!). The poem was recited outloud by Tan Sri G.K. Rama Iyer in remembrance of the late Tun Abdul Razak.
"What Will Matter" by Michael Josephson

Ready or not, some day it will all come to an end.

There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, no hours or days.

All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten,

will pass to someone else.

Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance.

It will not matter what you owned or what you were owed.

Your grudges, resentments, frustrations

and jealousies will finally disappear.

So too, your hopes, ambitions, plans and to-do lists will expire.

The win and losses that seems so important will fade away.

It won't matter where you came from

or what side of the tracks you lived on at the end.

It won't matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant.

Even your gender or skin colour will be irrelevant.

So what will matter?

How will the value of your days be measured?

What will matter is not what you bought

but what you build,

not what you got but what you gave.

What will matter is not your success

but your significance.

What will matter is not what you learned

but what you taught.

What will matter is every act of integrity,

compassion, courage, or sacrifice

that enriched, empowered or encourage others to emulate your example.

What will matter is not your competence

but your character.

What will matter is not how many people you knew,

but how many will feel a lasting loss when you're gone.

What will matter is not your memories

but the memories that lived in those who loved you.

What will matter is how long you will be remembered,

by whom and for what.

Living a life that matters doesn't happen by accident.

It's not a matter of circumstance but of choice.

Choose to live a life that matters.

My two worst fears are 1) dying in an accident and not being able to tell my parents and my siblings I love them; and 2) not having anyone crying at my funeral. I once told a friend this, and her only reply was "I will cry becos I get sentimental at funerals". Hurm, so much for making an existence to someone's life huh. Then I rather not have her cry, so I won't be thinking (as if the dead would even have time to think!) that she's crying becos she loved me dearly and felt the loss, or its the funerals are just sentimental to her. Well, we'll see when I die. Owh, I'll let my brother know my login and password for my wordpress, you know, just incase I die, he can post an announcement. I might be loging in to check from 6 feet underground, in between those tortures I'll be getting of course. heh.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

light years away

I just finished Dina Zaman's "I Am Muslim", which took me a good 2 weeks to complete. Yeah, I'm THAT slow in reading. As I start on my second book for the month, I realised, I'm actually LIGHT YEARS outdated in my readings. And as I read through my blogspot archive that I gradually am deleting, I found that I've written too much crap and actually read less that a book to tally with what I've wrote in just one month. Hence, I'll try to write less now and read more. But I came across a few faithful cosmic travelers who have been with me throughout the years, since 2004. And for that, I'd like to thank:-

Izham - for being there, reading patiently, and who now constantly become my on and off second opinion giver.

Shahriman - who now stalking my wordpress anonymously but have been with me virtually for 2 years now. He, who is such a brilliant writer himself, never fails to amaze me with his fiction. Yes dear, I've been successfully demented thanks to you.

Najwa Aiman - a writer who have lent his thoughts for all my craps. Such a great buddy who shares different side of opinion for such lifeless crap of mine.

Demonsinme - endlessly giving me poems, making me smile with his words, though most of the time I have to read through and through again. Yeah, I'm not that smart, apparently. hehehe.

Maine - a blogger whom I've stumbled upon my early days of blogging. Those were the days when I write crap and she writes of substance.

Bibi - a blogger who later became a friend. I know you're here somewhere, virtually. But now, a phonecall away. always. And I pray for the best for you!

and who can forget, IBah .... who have been the first person to my blog under digitalmalaya, now, a friend, such a small world we live in, will always be a dear to me.

Here, a shoutout to one of my confidante, who not only loves me for who I am, but have made me her priority babe recently, an award one can never resist, who turned 24 today. Fozzy baby, I'll write you a poem later to be in your friendster. For now its noon and I need to mandi (hahahahaha).

I'll leave you with a poem from my favorite Sufi, Jelalluddin Rumi.
Love is reckless, not reason.

Reason seeks a profit.

Love comes on strong,

consuming herself, unabashed.

Yet, in the midst of suffering,

Love proceeds like a millstone,

Hard surfaced and straightforward.

Having died of self-interest,

she risks everything and asks for nothing.

Love gambles away every gift God bestows.

Without cause God gave us Being;

without cause, give it back again.

disappearing cosmically, its abby THE Fake Intellectual.

the rest, unmentioned here, is always close to my heart. My real life friends who have been reading.

Friday, June 08, 2007


I drove to work half way smiling. heh.

well. becos I flirted. Owh, okay, let me update you on the story. last week, I was a bit early to work that I dropped by McDonalds at the Mobil station before Sg Besi Toll. So, I sat there, and was having my breakfast when I noticed that someone was staring at me. It was the manager. I know he was the manager becos all the employee was greeting him and apologizing for their lateness and whatnot. Okayla, maybe he's the supervisor. But as he was stealing glances from behind the counter, I, too, was stealing glances from my morning breakfast and The Sun on my lap. When I exited the outlet and drove away, I saw him waiting at the door to see me go. Okay, that was Day 1.

This morning, I stopped by Mobil again, but not at McDonalds. As I was driving off from Mobil, passing thru McDonalds, there he was adjusting the parking for his vendor and whatnot, he looked up and saw me and gave me this very "Hey, its you, why didn't you dropped in McD?" look with a slight smile. And I winked! hahahahaha .... Day 2.

I smiled all the way to work after that. And I had butterflies in my tummy. heh.

ahhhhh, the joy of flirtation. And when all the guys I know tells me that I'm picky! Hey! I am NOT! Little gestures make big impact for me. Btw, he looks decent enough. Owh, I'm so gonna buat buat pergi Mobil lagi!!!!

this is quite a relief, after the chat with Izham the other day where I mentioned that "I have yet to find anyone who is interested enough to know who I am, and I'm not willing to change to be someone people would be interested in". yeah, I think I have a good head on my shoulder, I earn my living i.e. I'm no gold digger, I'm not high maintenance nor am I a big spender and I'm very much open, so I don't know why the guys I liked, could not reciprocate. Its always "its not you, its me" but a week after that, they're like bloody engaged!

oh well. I'll drive thru McDonalds for that extra butterflies in my tummy to go with my fries.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

when you need the strength to carry on

go to padang besar. for just seringgit, you can get all the strength you need to carry on.

its been raining since afternoon. I got Chet Baker's "My Funny Valentine", John Coltrane's "Naima", Miles Davis's "Summer Nights" and Ennio Morricone's "Love Theme" from the movie Cinema Paradiso, playing on repeat on this gloomy starless night. With dim lights, windows fully open, enjoying the soft sweet music, raining has never been such wonderful blissful moment.

Maybe nasi berani can wait awhile. for later.

the pain that comes with the pleasure we seek

now thats a long title. yeah, I could've made it shorter, but heck, it sounds nice as it is.

today, I pulled up my curtains and let the wind come in my room. till night time. to feel the wonderful breeze in my room. even when its raining. it clears some stuff. it clears the air in my room. most of all, it gives me a clearer perspective on a couple of things.

these few days made me realise that I have lots to offer, not only to myself but to others. yesterday, a friend made a sweet gesture by giving me a card. at first, I was a bit confused, by her asking my address and all, but she end up giving the card by hand. I read it as I settled myself after a nice dinner with her and another friend. the words on the card, though came from hallmark, was all I needed to get by. to know that I'm appreciated. yeah, words have big huge impact on me. I keep the card by my pillow, so if I were to wake up in the middle of the night, I can read it again and again. yes, thats how self-absorbed and narcissist I am.

these few nights, I let the write post page on wordpress open, just incase I wanted to write down something, but I can't. lately, due to my over-excessive writings which end up hurting and causing pain to those I cared most, I find it hard to write about anything.

so ... I guess. what I'm trying to say is that, in seeking pleasure, we invite pain. indirect pain that once we tripped over accidently, we hurt not only ourselves but those we love most.

if asked what scares me the most, aside from God (for all the obvious reasons), is 1. hurting those I loved most, 2. dying without being able to tell them I love them.

I've done a lot of unlawful things lately. not only its unlawful in the eyes of God, but some, I don't think my loved ones would agree nor accept it.

as I indulge in all these guilty pleasures, I felt pain inside. the pain of guilt. the pain of knowing what the outcome would be, if, IF, things got out from the closet.

I'll let it be. I'll let it fade away. Its a phase I'm giving in to.
In this pain

I think of YOU

I think of the sorrow I would've felt

knowing YOU

and if I have not known YOU

what does it matter now

though the pleasure we took in

was for a short while

given by the grace of GOD.

In this pain

I think of ME

who would I be

if I've not met YOU

and who I have become

after Loving YOU.

if this PAIN subside

the PLEASURE would surely be over.

I don't want it to end.

Not yet.

I'll bear the PAIN

for the sake of this PLEASURE.

last night, during dinner, the subject of talent was on the table. I told my friend that the only talent that I have is SARCASM. For everything else, I am an amateur. She cut in, saying that I am good in writing. I said No, I'm an amateur writer. But I'm only talented in Sarcasm. A sarcastic bitch that I am, yes, I find pleasure in giving painful remarks.

As night grew colder, as the rain subsided, as the the air clears up those smoky smoky smelly stuff in my room (ehem ehem), I smile.

here's to pain. and here's to pleasure. here's to a broken heart. and here's to a warm comforting smile.

Friday, June 01, 2007

hors de prix

one of the reason I started this other blog, as a diversion from my original blogspot, is to avoid myself from talking/writing about love. in particular, my love. its tiring, emotionally draining as it gets nowhere. not to say that its non-existence of course. one will talk passionately about love when one is in love. and I have talked passionately about love as I was am still in love.

yesterday, I went out with a girlfriend to celebrate her belated birthday that I've missed because I was in Langkawi that very day. She had a nice dinner then despite everyone was unavailable for celebration. so, I took her for japanese food, and she bought me 2 movies, 2 great movies in fact. Shrek 3 and Hors de Prix (Priceless). I have to say, even on a week night, where one has to get up at 5.30am and go to the office the very next day, it was all worth it. worth the tiring drive at 2am. I even laid on bed, viewing the one-hour video we shot of our dinner. (for friends of mine whom I have (will) promised birthday celebration, things will come 20 days late. heh. yeah, thats how belated her birthday was.

driving her home from midvalley to subang, then heading home to selayang at 2am. Priceless.

sleeping at 3.30am and waking up at 5.30am for work. Priceless.

driving to work and receiving a phonecall from someone .... Priceless.

There are things money can't buy. And for everything else, there's my sincere heart. (owh, it rhymes as much as Mastercard does! splendid!)

No, I will not bore you (again) with my love story, which is complicated enough for me, and for a normal human being to comprehend (hey, wait seminit. I'm MUTANT!)

I'd like to recommend the french movie "Hors de Prix" (Priceless) to everyone. Its a simple story about a classic gold digger and a bell-boy turned gigolo who fell in love with each other (SPOILER ALERT!!) . What made my heart sink is the sacrifices and silly things you do when you're in love and how bad the consequences of your action, you fail to see past it because you're so blinded by the effort of being loved and just, being there. At times, money has become secondary and things one should just swallow hard and accept but dare not make an issue. The point of being in love, is BEING THERE, REGARDLESS.

There's a huge difference when someone you're with told you "Owh yeah baby, that feels good" and someone else who said, "I like this morning light on you face." In between the lines, love lies somewhere. And no, its not when "baby" makes you "feel good". Hey, don't judge me if I do talk from experience.

but yeah, there are things when all the money has been spent, that final 10 second you pay to look into the eyes of the person you love. Yes, for that moment with the person. Without touches. Without words.

I'd pay. For that final 10 seconds. (if only I can get that morning light to shine on my face).