The Cosmic Wise and Crappy Words

Saturday, July 28, 2007

cinta ini ....

cinta ini bukan cinta

cinta ini bukan buta

cinta ini tidak bernyawa

cinta ini tidak gila

katakan padaku aku bukan bercinta

katakan padaku aku bukan meminta

katakan padaku hidupku masih biasa

katakan padaku berseorangan adalah sempurna

adakah ...

aku berlaku adil kepada diriku

adakah ...

aku berlaku adil kepada cintaku

adakah ...

aku berlaku adil pada hatiku ...

cinta ini bukan cinta

cinta ini tidak bernyawa

cinta ini tidak buta

dan aku bukan gila.

cuma ...

lemas dalam cinta.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

tulisan burok

malam ini, saya mahu menulis luahan hati saya di dalam bahasa Melayu. Tidak, saya tidak menggunakan bahasa Malaysia kerana bahasa yang disebut bahasa Malaysia perlu mengambil kira bahasa ibunda kepelbagaian kaum Malaysia, dan saya rasa jikalau diaplikasikan penggunaan bahasa Malaysia, perlulah disertakan dengan penggunaan ayat "dei tambi", "yilek", "yamchar", "hansap", "jakun", "gerek", "sik", "bah" dan lain-lain.

Maka, termaktublah, saya akan menggunakan bahasa MELAYU. Tetapi dengan menggunakan bahasa Melayu, tidak bermakna saya bersikap perkauman. Tidak sama sekali. Saya suka berkaum-kaum dengan kaum yang lain.

Malam ini, saya ponteng kelas. Bukan dengan sengaja walaupun memang benar. Tetapi kerana kemahuan kerja yang lebih utuh, tersirat di dada saya yang bersaiz sederhana ini. Bukan sederhana kecil, tetapi sederhana besar. Apa? Anda tidak percaya? Tepuklah dada saya, tanyalah selera masing-masing. Hahaha. Sungguh sukses dan sibuk sekali kedengaran kelas dan pejabat pada satu ruang waktu yang sama. Seakan-akan saya tergolong di antara mereka-mereka yang sungguh bercita-cita tinggi. Iya, cita-cita saya memang tinggi. Tetapi, tidak seunik cita-cita seorang rakan saya. Cita-citanya ialah ingin duduk di dalam poket Kangaroo. Anda tidak percaya? Tepuklah dada saya sekali lagi, tanya lah selera masing-masing. Oh, saya bukan lah mahu menggalakkan penepukan dada saya oleh tangan-tangan asing, tetapi sebenarnya, benar sungguh cita-cita rakan saya tersbeut. Jangan gelak, cita-citanya sungguh unik, bagi mereka yang bercita-cita untuk melakukan sesuatu yang daripada keadaan norma, anda sebenarnya belum lagi bercita-cita tinggi. Bayangkan, kemahuan untuk duduk di dalam poket Kangaroo. Mampukah anda memasakkan cita-cita sebegitu?

Ketika kali pertama saya mendengarnya, saya memandang dengan penuh kagum. Sungguh tidak disangka-sangka seorang insan yang berusia sungguh muda pada ketika itu, sungguh penuh dengan kemelayuan, yang tinggal di dalam komuniti yang tidak menggalakkan pemikiran bebas dan luas, boleh memasang cita-cita sebegitu.

Dan kamu semua, yang belajar di luar negara, pulang ke tanahair, masih mahu bercita-cita untuk memperoleh wang yang lebih dan status yang tinggi sahaja. Kemudian kamu mahu mentertawakan cita-cita insan ini? Malulah kamu. Kamu berfikiran pendek rupa-rupanya.

Saya berharap suatu hari, rakan saya ini akan mencapai cita-citanya. Saya pasti, cita-cita itu boleh kesampaian, lebih-lebih lagi, Kangaroo boleh mencecah ketinggian 9 kaki dan insan ini hanya tinggi nya 5 kaki 2 inci sahaja. Semuanya mungkin, kan?

Oh, beralih kepada kepontengan saya. Ya, saya pergi ke kelas. 3 hari seminggu. Pada hari selasa, khamis dan sabtu. Pada hari selasa dan khamis, setelah jam di pejabat berdering menunjukkan waktu pejabat tamat pada pukul 5.30petang, saya akan bergegas menempuh trafik kotaraya daripada Putrajaya ke Universiti Tunku Abdul Rahman di Petaling Jaya dimana kelas bermula pada jam 6.30petang dan tamat pada 9.30malam. dan pada hari Sabtu pula, saya akan mengorbankan NIKMAT bangun lambat kerana perlu ke kelas pada jam 9pagi sehingga jam 12 tengahari.

Wah, menulis jadual nya sudah menunjukkan productiviti saya. Namun, kerana saya sering ponteng disebabkan bebanan dan keperluan kerja di pejabat, saya tidak tahu bagaimana untuk mengukur tahap produktiviti saya. Tahukah anda ayat "produktiviti" adalah olahan daripada bahasa enggeris? ah, jikalau saya mahu membuat bahasa sendiri pun, saya rasa tidak salah. Awak ingat, 1000 tahun yang lalu, mereka yang mengolah bahasa tu belajar PhD kah? Ntah ntah, makcik limah yang sering keliling kampung di Tanah Melayu telah menerapkan penggunaan bahasa Melayu kuno bagi menyampaikan gosip gosip rakyat bercinta dengan pedagang suatu masa yang lampau.

Saya sebenarnya agak keletihan tetapi minda saya pula mengada-ngada, giat untuk mencetus penulisan ini.

saya rasa, buat masa ini, cukuplah tulisan burok ini menjamu selera pembacaan anda semua.

sekian, saya mahu pergi mandi malam untuk menghilangkan seri. yelah, dada saya pun sudah ditepuk berkali-kali.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

useless explanation

sorry, I shouldn't have sounded so bitter. people are dying of hunger across the world. natural disaster swept homes and caused deaths.

its stupid to complaint. and I'm not that smart either.

to complaint







1.an expression of discontent, regret, pain, censure, resentment, or grief; lament; faultfinding: his complaint about poor schools.








2.a cause of discontent, pain, grief, lamentation, etc.

Sources from dictionary.reference.com

I know, thats how God balance life. Some people complaints and some don't. I usually write about it, but I try to not voice it out, because, everytime I did, it backfired me. Becos why, apparently, I am not allowed, not permitted, find unfit and not eligible to fit the complaint personnel. I get scolded at, I lost friends, I lost love, whenever I complaint.

I don't know .... why some people just won't understand how I would see it. I try not to complaint and make things easier for people. For them to know that in every way, in every situation, there are options, and life is just hard as we make it. If we chose not to, then everything will be easier.

I wake up every fucking day at 5.30am. I leave the house every fucking day at 6.45am. I drive an hour to work, every fucking day. And sometimes, I don't eat much at work, drink excessive coffee and finish work late. I'll get back home, every fucking day, at 9pm and at 10.30pm if I have evening class at UTAR that starts at 6.30pm-9.30pm. Not to mention I rushed from work at 5.30pm, to PJ on those fucking days. I get home tired, and sometimes, I go to sleep without eating anything. Every fucking day. Some people have the luxury of waking at any given time, goes to work as they pleases even though they do have lots of workloads, but some of them can work at the comfort of their respective homes.

Some people are lucky. I am lucky too.

The only time I'm not lucky is when I get fucking judgements from the complaining people who couldn't cut me some slack.

I try to see the best side of everything. I love my job, meeting all the people, getting all the opportunity.

But why the fuck people don't cut me some slack, that I don't understand.

Btw, I don't even make enough for me to be eligible for fucking tax okay. I'm doing this becos I'm willing to learn, whatever I can. Becos ... I try to make life easy.

Hot tempered people can heat up within seconds and cool down as if nothing happens after they throw their tantrums at innocent people.

Someone who's not temperemental, we bottled up with the heat, and will shiver with guilt from being angry, ends up feeling fucking angry at ourselves becos we let our vulnerability took over, cries alone, give a pat on our own shoulder, and move on. Thinking that the next time we bottled up, it should be ... not that soon.

Right now, I feel sad, hungry and fucking tired. But I don't feel guilty for using the word "fuck" more than 20 times. Who the fucking care anyway. Those I loved will go away and tell it to my face that the world doesn't evolve around me and they have their shit to deal with and couldn't spare a hint of compassion for me. Who the fuck I am anyway? Some filthy rich fucking royalty?

I'm still shivering and the tears are held back, tho a big lump in my throat. People asked me why I am so sad in my writings. What the fuck do they know, who the fuck really know anyway? I laugh and smile in real life. I don't drag my fucking sappy eyes like crazy in person.

This blog is not a fucking writing portfolio. If I wanna do a fucking portfolio, I'd do one nicely, send it to printers, have it published. I can fucking do it if I want to.

This blog is about things I can't share with people in real life becos apparently, I am not allowed to be sad, angry or anything. Becos my job in life is to tend to their worries, their sadness, their complaints. They don't have time to listen to my complaints. Thats why I had this blog.

Earlier this morning, I wanted to write something beautiful. When I left the office at 9.45pm, I still can't write anything beautiful.

NOw I fucking bitter, but who the fuck care!

(Mind me, there are tons of fucking blogs that write the word fuck in their daily posts, so go fuck in hell if you think I went overboard!)

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

adjusting to changes

I've been a bit very ignorant these days. I'm not usually like this. I'm always observant and courteous. I will always have time for others. But now, I have successfully become self-centered. And worst, I got a bit comfortable with it.

Changes and adapting to it. There's no doubt I adjust well to changes. But human is a creature of habit. They like whats comfortable and normal, routine-based to them. To oblige to rituals and routines, its not really resisting to change, but more on settling down to comfortability.

When I was in school, I had this very great healthy lifestyle. Especially in my final year. I went to an islamic a science-based boarding school. During those days, I kept a lot of time to myself, being alone in the room writing, and yeah, if friends would notice, I was a sit-up freak. I will do my sit-ups like at least 50 sit-ups a day. That alone took most of my time, especially those days when I was a bit lazy to pump up my abdomens. Towards my final year, the routine would be waking up at 5am, having breakfast if not sahur (I love to fast outside the fasting month, those days la), goes to school, take a 10 minutes nap everytime after lunch, and after night prep which ends at 10.30pm, I would come back to my room, have my isya' prayer and would always read the koran before I go to sleep at 11.30pm. But I only sleep after I do my sit-ups. I hardly sleep after 12am. Not even during exams. Thats why I never studied much, let alone scored. I didn't do well in my studies, but I got out of school with a 4-pack abs, thats good enough for me.

I also wasn't a bookworm. More of a tv freak. And a writer. I didn't read much but apparently, my ability to bluff, to rationalise, and other extensive knowledge, comes from observation, having to change schools quite frequently and meet all sorts of people, from the gardener's daughter, to the state judge's daughter, to the trust fund children and also the security guard's children, I took in everything I learned from the lines on their faces. The worries, the sadness, the arrogance, the pride, everything. I just recently tried reading and it did suit me well. But, I always rely on my own comprehension, my own understanding, my own rationalisation.

For the past 2 years, a lot have happened. I've managed to live a normal person's 7 years of life within my 2 years. Emotional roller coaster, achievement and success, everything included in the 2 years. I have met a lot of people, everyone, highly known for what they do. I think I've done pretty much for myself and I know I've always wanted more. Human being are pretty much unsatisfied creatures. There's always something more that they want.

Life has been different. Recently, I've done something I didn't regret. Because I had a big lesson from it. But it cost me such a dear friendship. In which, I think of every single minute. Especially when I'm driving.

When things come to an end, we will be haunted by the thought, what were our last words, when was our last hug. I'm not person who regrets ...

but ...

It has been 3 weeks. Not good. Not good.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

question

if there's a glitch in the system. do you repair the hardware, or you change the whole thing?

especially when the pace of development is increasing drastically and to be in the competition, the latest technology works best.

Answers:-

  1. demonsinme Says:

    Melady Cosmic Traveller:

    Change the company supplying both the system and hardware.

  2. faiz Says:

    change the whole thing if the system isn’t that great to begin with.

  3. Munmon yang Hebat Says:

    Repair…

  4. LiLithFaiR Says:

    repair jugakkk :)

  5. abby Says:

    the analogy was given as a metaphor, which comes to no surprise when its Me who did the writing.

    but thanks for all the answers.

    I do want to repair. Thats loyalty to the product I’ve committed when I purchased it. yes, the sense of belonging.

    but … sometimes … things might be best when changes are involved.

    change but keep the old one? that would be too greedy huh?

Thursday, July 19, 2007

the wedding dream

usually, people put it the "dream wedding". in my case, I had the wedding dream last night.

recently, one too many times I told people I can't picture myself in a wedding, especially not in a relationship. I don't date, I don't even get asked for a date. its always me, giving that call to a certain guy asking if he is free for drinks. apparently, guys don't find me date'able. so, I don't date. relationship is like the stars, I see too many but unreachable.

but last night, in my dream, me, and my husband to be, were drafting our wedding invitations. what made me sad, is that, I was so much in love, kept on caressing his hair and giving him kisses, fondly. sitting on his lap, I kept on kissing his forehead, his cheeks and his lips and we went through the invitations. and he gets my jokes. and a quiet person. and he has a small mustache. hahahaha. and I even get along with his parents.

there's 2 things I don't believe I have in me. the girlfriend material, and the daughter-in-law material. in my dream, I succeeded in both, and was accepted.

it was a funny dream. to have that in life. the love, the relationship, the companion, and security of a stable relationship, being in love and married to the person you're in love with.

I have lost faith in relationships, just because I don't get asked to go out by guys. its like a small kitten in SPCA, no matter how cute you are, nobody seems to be interested enough to take you home.

the dream gave a very intangible hope. something I know, deep inside I believe in, but, realistically speaking, won't be happening to me.

don't tell me to wait. 24 years in life not being asked to go out for a date, thats beyond patience.

and yeah, I do have the occasional "eyh, bila kita nak keluar pergi tengok movie ni?" which ends then and there and the guy disappeared without rescheduling nor would he bother to call. what the fuck, thats not even an invitation! like I said, those kittens at SPCA, people carry them around, kisses them fondly, but nobody takes them home.

I hope to have that wedding dream more often, so that I can live with it through my dreams, things I apparently won't get in real life.

no wonder people say a goodnight sleep is a must. last night I had a very good night sleep I guess.

Monday, July 16, 2007

the thought

apparently, when you push your brain to the limit, it can expand its muscles and eventually, have space and time to think the unthinkable.

to worry, is human. to not-give-a-damn, is not inhumane.

to wronged, is human. to be wise and righteous, is not inhumane.

to hurt, is human. to heal, is not inhumane.

to neglect, is human. to care, is not inhumane.

to tire, is human. to intrigue, is not inhumane.

to love, is human. to hate, is not inhumane.

to apologies, is human. to accuse, is not inhumane.

I'm tired and I'm cranky. I feel so sad, and I misses someone. But, I'm not supposed to be tired, and crankiness is not acceptable. Sadness is no excuse to gain pity, and missing someone you hurt is only deserving.

ms-understood.

hi everyone, I'm missunderstood.

not that I don't understand people. I'm just the person, everyone will very often, miss-understood. Taken wrongly.

When I'm nice, it seems that I might be fake. When I say the truth, apparently I'm sarcastic and at the attack of someone.

So. What I can do. Is to admit all of it. What people have been mistaken of me.

----- # ----- # -----

Tonight, we were watching that symphony orchestra thingy on RTM1 and I started dancing goofily, and when I stopped, my mom asked me to go on, keep on dancing. I danced like a clown. Just to amuse my mom. sometimes, more often than not, I dance goofily to amuse people at home, mainly my siblings, the younger ones. And my mom. why not. at least, my family loves my goofiness. they don't misunderstand it or anything.

----- # ----- # -----

and at least there are a few who loves my sarcasm. not only they love my sarcasm, they can differentiate when I'm sarcastic and when I'm being utterly sincere and honest. and they are the ones who would lend their shoulders for my tears while hugging me tight.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

a step forward

colonel will begin his retirement end of this month. it will be weird not having him waking up so early, rushing to kiss him (on the cheeks 3 times) before I dash out of the house. he will be going to another office, his own office, but it will be on his own sweet time. whenever he feels like it. probably after sending afis to school every morning. probably he'll wait after lunch, send fiqah to school, then only, make his way to his little office room in one of those shophouses. I grew up seeing colonel working, it'll be quite weird, altho he will still be working, but, he's no longer in the service. it'll be colonel (R). I asked him, will he have a retirement bash and he shook his head. I think I should give him one. with the family of course. buy something, ask mama to cook, and have some relatives over for the whole day. something to celebrate. why not. after all, I am who I am with his hard-earned pay all my life. mama, on the other hand, has about 5 more years to go before she retires. I guess, changes should be good.

----- # ----- # -----

hence, my looking over my own self. I need to take a step forward. I'm so used to drastic changes and being at one place, is not good for me. I need to find out other doors of opportunities, start weighing my options. since I have no plans whatsoever towards matrimonial life, the only thing I have in plan, is to take care of myself and my own needs.

----- # ----- # -----

a swan who got so used to the lake, one day, thought to herself.

"am I destined to just be here. to swin across this lake to and fro, and just walk around the bank, and sometimes, fly here and there?"

suddenly, the lake spoke to her.

"its not your destiny, nor am I trying to keep you here to stay. its your own choice. you chose not to explore the possibilities in life."

the swan, who was in quite a shock, started responding defensively, "I wasn't given the option. and nobody told me that I even had one. I should blame mother nature. she didn't tell me I had other options!"

all of a sudden, the lake water started heating up, and it started boiling. the swan, furious of the sudden temperature rise, flew away and found another lake to settle down.

----- # ----- # -----

lake water doesn't heats up and starts boiling, its not their nature. but when their reason being were being questioned, they can do perhaps anything.

----- # ----- # -----

loyalty ... integrity ... trust ... respect ... such strong words. I felt like running towards the end of the rainbow where all these strong words can be mine to be associated with, nicely packed in a colourful package.

unfortunately, the rain looks like it wouldn't stop, not anytime soon.

Friday, July 13, 2007

mai.n adhura tuu adhuri jii rahii hai (I am incomplete, and you're only half-alive. )

to exist.

to be complete.

to search deep within.

and to search, the separate entity of your soul.

of your heart.

----- # -----

semalam dia datang.

membawa senyuman.

memberi pelukan.

semalam saya tersenyum.

semalam saya tidak kesejukan.

semalam berlalu.

dan dia pun pergi.

esok.

sesuatu yang belum pasti.

sepasang kasih, hati mereka di ukir menjadi satu.

saya tidak sempurna,

dan awak tidak hidup sepenuhnya.

to exist

I wrote previously on hugs. tonight, it wasn't only a hug, it was crying-on-the-shoulder and i-don't-want-to-let-go hug. Being someone who's always in control, I only have a few people to whom I can let myself appear vulnerable to. And that few people have apparently decrease in numbers. Due to growing up and getting older.

Being in the quarter of a century age, its the peak years of speeding up everything you can. Friends are getting married, going for career advancement and taking risk in life. Being someone who's a bit passive, a non go-getter and very much composed, I don't like picturing myself in a competitive environment. Hence, the joining of the NGO world. Where things are done based on passion and self-interest, when stress in work are viewed with a smile and that special twinkle in the eye, where profit makes no existence and monetary seems like a funny relationship problem, something you can live without, but apparently, was thrust to deal with due to peer pressure. Yeah, especially when none of your friends are in the industry, and all of them are either getting married (securing 'security' in life), going for career advancement (securing "stability" in life) and taking risks (securing "in-depth understanding and experience" of/in life).

When you got too many things to do, you tend to think about things that you don't normally think of, and things that are before, not much of your concern.

And when these thoughts start to burden that tiny little rusty brain of yours, and you apparently lost those people whom you used to talk to when you needed someone to listen, what you end up doing is either, something very bad and stupid, or, you starts making weird assumptions or bad decisions.

You are a matured human being who rationalises every single thing beforehand. But you can't help being 24, young and stupid. Still, becos you're SUPPOSED to be matured as you appeared to be, people wouldn't accept the "but you're young" excuse.

earlier in class, I was late and we had a group activity where everyone were seated in a circle and we get to choose people to ask some questions given on our exercise sheet. I came in a bit late, had to figure out what the hell was happening all by myself becos I hate asking people when the activities are ongoing and suddenly, one of my classmates directed the question to me.

"What singular event had made your work in the organisation all worthwhile?"

Catching up on breathing after speedwalking from the parking, I smiled and tried to answer as composed as I can.

"To tell you the truth, I can't pinpoint any particular or singular event becos everything, every event that we organised, that I participated in, have contributed to the modus operandi of my Foundation, have met the goal and objectives of my Foundation and every event was worth it, and all my participation in every single event, were all worthwhile".

Although the guy who asked the question commented jokingly that he still need a single event that I can pinpoint, but, how can I, when every single thing that has happened in my life, not only in work, but in my life, made breathing, crying, head-banging-to-the-wall, all worth it?

I know, I sound so fake. I know people are reading and thinking "yeah right, so-called bloody angel, as if there's nothing you would regret".

Some commented that I talked with that twinkle in my eye, that passion conveyed through my voice, and gestures. I had those good comments when I had my impromptu table-topic toastmaster speech. With my voice all shaking, and my hands shivering, I talked about being a humanitarian while holding back my tears, partly becos I was so scared and nervous, being called in front to give that 3 minutes speech, and partly becos I'm afraid, if I talked too much of this, the fear of not being able to achieve it, scared the hell out of me.

But the funny part is, I can't understand why, this sincere person, this passionate person, this helpful, selfless person that I try hard to be, will always, at some point, lose the people I loved most, lose the trust and faith of the people around me. I kept on thinking, what did I DID NOT do, what I have taken forgranted, what went wrong?

To exist. To search deep within your soul.

To exist. To be that helping hand for others.

To exist. To appreciate and be grateful of your existence.

To exist. To smile. While tears run over your cheeks.

To exist. To live. And. To die.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

when the world is not enough

a hug should do the trick.

a hug is the only relief ... or remedy.

I got that hug. after holding back a lot of tears.

after holding my head up high when all I want to do is to hit it on the ground.

a hug is all that I need.

a hug is what I've got.

when the world is not enough.

a hug brings "complete" a bit closer and attainable.

Monday, July 09, 2007

and so ... thats how it will be

LIBRAN DOG

These are charismatic characters. Libran Dogs are genuinely concerned about the well-being of other people. They are just and kind souls who value their families and friends.

hurm ... so whats the point? I'm a Libran born in the Year of the Dog. But I'm not a charismatic character, I'm a burden to my family and friends and I don't think I'm worth their time. No matter how loyal I tend to prove to others, I don't think they carry enough faith in me.

I remembered a wish/note given by a friend to address the person that I am.

It read,
"When I hear someone talk about loyalty, I think of you.There have probably been times when it wasn't easy to be my friend.

Times when it would have been a lot more convenient

to let me sort out my problems on my own.

There were times when

you were willing to drop everything

to talk to me on the phoone

or give me a helping hand.

times when you put aside your own worries

to help me through mine.

You did it because friendship isn't just

a matter of convenience to you.

You know that it's a full-time job when its done right."

- by Suzanne Berry- (taken from Hallmark)

I can count fingers how many people would say thats true with a sincere heart. I would go on and talk, talking how I would be that person, that loyal friend, the trustworthy one. But words are not enough. Goodwill are not enough. In this cold-hearted cruel world, you need a solid (even forensic) evidence to justify a good sincere soul. And a soul who's not even there yet (good and sincere I mean), will have a hell of a time proving to others' their worth.

but it doesn't matter now.

and thats how it will be.

even for a bloody dog born under the libran star.

Friday, July 06, 2007

a midnight conversation

You're on a break dufus! Get over it!

I am?

Good lord! You were the one who asked for it. And it was in fact a consequence of your own selfish action anyway.

But .... I kept thinking about her. I am thinking about her ... Constantly. Why?

Its not love you know.

I thought ...

No! You're not in love stupid!

Hurm. If this is not love, why is that I think about her all the time. I just can't stop thinking about her. Its tiring but I'm doing it.

You gave your heart to her, but she doesn't want it. She doesn't need it. She doesn't need you.

But she came back to me again and again.

You're stupid! Foolishly stupid.

I'm in love.

No stupid. You're not in love. This is just a phase. You're just confused.

Am I? But all these things I'd do for her. What's that?

That's stupid. That's not love.

You're my conscience. I should believe you. But .... I wanted to believe you ... It's just that ... I can't stop thinking about her. I kept on thinking what she's doing. Is she alright? Is she safe? When she gets lonely and facing a problem, does she have someone to talk to?

She doesn't need you stupid. She got lots of friends, she's just fine without you. Why can't you accept the truth? You said you're a realist. So what are you now? A hopeless dreamer? Get real!

Hurm .... You're right. I hope she doesn't need me. I hope she doesn't think of me. I wish she hates me. I wish that ........ I miss her. You know, sometimes I just stare at her name in my emails, in my phone. How stupid can I get?

Now you're getting it, now you're being real.

But is it okay that I think of her? Is it okay that I still care?

You're human.

And you ... as my conscience, can you be that cruel?

I have to give you some perspective. You're so fucked up you can't even think straight. Btw, I am your conscience, I'm not your heart. You have a heart of a foolish lover, you know that?

Maybe God took her away from me becos I AM a foolish lover, and God knows what I would've done for her. The distance I could've gone to.

Hahaha, tell me something I don't know.

It's getting late. God ... I haven't had a decent sleep for ages.

And you're wasting your time thinking about her. Stupid.

Thanks. Stupid me huh. Yeah, I'm stoopeed. B-L-A-Z-E-R = Stoopeed.

Heh. Go to sleep stupid.

Good night conscience. Thanks. I love you.

Yeah, thats the only thing you should focus on loving right now.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

searching for the light

it has been quite an eventful week for me. Been through a lot, emotionally, physically and yeah, mentally. Ups and downs in just a few days. if say, within a few days, I can experience all these, I might aged up to 7 years in the normal one financial year. or maybe I'm actually a dog, who lives in a different concept of year. or maybe I'm a cat, with 9 lives, so God giveth me all these challenges, maybe death for 8 times before I can really be worthy of life. hehehe.

Recently, I wrote a comment in a friend's blog, "regret is an awful thing. when you regret, basically, you blame God. As if you've done enough to deserve the authority of blaming God. Thats why I kept on reminding myself to not regret. I'm nowhere from having that privilege of blaming God."

I noticed that a few of my ex schoolmates (guys) viewed my friendster profile. I had this urge to ask "kenapa nak view profile aku, ke nak check, budak buruk yang kau panggil 'babi yang muka macam pantat' tu masih buruk ke, apa?"

but no, I didn't do that. I've been through a lot and surprisingly, it has all been a blessing to me.

a couple of nights ago, as I entered my front door, I looked up and saw a beautiful full moon.

the light is there.

and I'm looking straight at it.

but I see nothing. and I wanted to cry.

Sunday, July 01, 2007

waking up from a dream

there's 2 wake up call.

one is to end it.

one is to be in control.

one makes me realised about how I fail those I love.

one makes me realised about how I fail my own self.

when someone don't bloody fucking give a care, there's no point caring.

when someone gave great deal of care and plus, worried about you like hell, by all means, you ought to change for the better.

its was the worst thing that can happen, and had happened. all I wanted for a little bit of concern. but ... who cares anyway huh.