reality check

yesterday, coming home from meeting someone, I was about to write a very very sad entry. throbbing by the words "reality check, abby. reality check!". as always, I contained my tears, driving through the evening traffic, formulating the structure of the post that I was thinking of writing.

as I got home and check my mails, I received one from a former colleague. Someone who is twice my age, who is more like a father to me when I was in my first job because I was spending about 12 hours a day at work, and someone, who once called my blog, "Indah".

As I read the simple message he sent me, I felt so deeply touched and wanted to cry. Like a father, he might appear to be, but he wrote like a person who understands me.

Among his last words to me were:-

keep cosmicabyss alive and strong, you wld always be mindful and be a believer of your strong good self.

My weak heart got up to smile. Last night, I told Fairuz what really went wrong with me.

People might say I'm a hypocrite and a great liar. Its funny that admitting to that already made me frank and honest. Bottomline, I speak of what it is. Which is better. Maybe sometimes I appear defensive when I explain myself. But at least I got myself straight and let it out. People who remained silent are considered better, they said. But those who remained silent, who don't explain, who let it be, have forced others to live by assumptions. And they get irritated when others make false assumptions and think others are self-centered bitches.

I am a manipulative, self-centered bitch who is very very good at lying and a hypocrite as well.

but at least someone ... someone far away from me, believes that I'm strong enough and this abyss of mine is worth keeping. Thank you En Shah. You always have my utmost respect and adoration.