a weak point

today I hit my weakest point. I was vulnerable. Alone at the corner under the hot direct sun, my hands went cold and my knees weakened. I leaned against the railing, not wanting to fall down in front of the other guys who were enjoying their manly chat over their cigarette break.

guilt has taken over me. reality check. yes. I was convicted guilty.

a loner needs no attachment. when a loner found one, they will fall down miserably in the depth of the abyss, falling and falling, deeper and deeper, towards the endless bottom.

in shivers, I contained my tears from rolling down my cheek. I am not one who breaks down in the office. I am not one who breaks down. I am not one who submits to vulnerability. when I have problems, I run away from them. I divert my attention to simple simple things. Like hugs and kisses and comfort given by strangers.

of lately, my constant headache became more frequent. I conclude that its just migraine but my manipulative mind said, it is just a normal headache. plans to shave of my head came to mind, but later went away for the thought of my freaked out parents. painkillers should be within my reach. but which pain did I really wanted to kill?

in the end. only one person mattered most. and that person went away. and I blame every single person who stepped in the way. becos I couldn’t reach for the one who went away. that was the only issue left unresolved. that was the only problem. and that was the reason.

a loner should remain alone. and those who ends up in loneliness are the honest ones. but they are hypocrites as well. because its better to lie than to be hurt. as truth hurts. and honesty lies within the truth.

my heart felt like it was dying. as if I was looking at my dying heart, lying there on the death bed. I couldn’t make the pain go away. I sit there by the bedside, not knowing whether it will die or it will survive.

no one else mattered. only the one who went away.

thats why a loner should never be attached to anyone. for once the attachment is ripped off, a loner will break into pieces and die.

a guy once asked me, “so, you must’ve been an independent freak”.

I answered, “I am an independent freak”.

a loner should not depend on anyone. a loner should not show signs of vulnerability. a loner must walk by their own two feet.

“we all care for you”.

I don’t think you should. Because a selfish person, I only wanted one to care for me, but that one person left me.

the head spins 360 degrees. the mind got cluttered. tears should not come out. shivers will go away.

a loner should not cry in the office.

owh fuck it!