being indifferent

Apparently these days, I have put myself in an indifferent mode most of the time.

I have become indifferent to a lot of things.

A friend told me, its common for me to feel indifferent noting my state of emotions right now.

I've lost a lot of desires to do things. As to writing and such.

But I know, at the end of the day, I haven't lose my sanity. Because of the love and concern I know people still have for me, those who doesn't stab me from the back, thats for sure.

I have done things I am not proud of. But I have also done some things people admire me for. And despite everything else, I am strong even though I sound vulnerable and weak.

I have told my friend recently, that I have always been judging relationships from an external point of view. And now that I was in one, I know for sure, I'm not made for relationships.

I never can take those crappy stupid things that comes with it.

I am not the kind of person who would end up in a clinging (don't-leave-me-alone-or-I'll-die-cos-I-have-ditch-all-of-my-friends-for-this) relationships.

I don't believe in people telling me "I love you so much, we can work this, we're meant to be together" because I know, the minute I say "I think we should end this", he will be the first one to strip off a naked lady and take pictures for the name of art in order to "get over it". Yes, thats the indication of "love" how it is dealt. I was in love, I know if you're so totally in love as you claim to be, you wouldn't start fucking anyone the minute you was released from the relationship.

I will end up prioritising my friends more than my boyfriend (or girlfriend, who knows, I'm keeping my options wide open these days).

I can never act like husband and wife going to functions together all the time before getting married to that person. I am that conservative. Only the akad nikah will bind me for good, if not, I'll be free as a bird and act single.

To conclude, I am not made for relationships as what guys would look for.

And that should also summarise my wanting to be indifferent. I have lack in desires for pursuing love.

But that does not justify the need for love. I am loved by my friends. I am loved by my family. I don't search high and low for sense of belonging.

Like I told my friend, I rather be everyone's than just someone's.