a little bit over the edge

I have been quiet and unproductive in terms of my writings. I have lost some magical touch of writing things since I wasn't really emotionally stable.

Negativity consumed the inner soul and I found a hole in this sweet strong soul I once claimed one of my strongest priceless possessions.

I can't deny I have been missing someone, or something I had, terribly. Its a good thing that my lappie died on me, so I wouldn't be that stupid silly bastard going through all those lame lame text messaged I've successfully archived in my document.

I watched Cinema Paradiso earlier, the original copy a friend bought for me from California. And for the first time, I watched it with subtitles. I've watched the movie over a couple of times without subtitles and even then, have adored it, cried like a sick baby watching the story. Today, of course crying again, but I've now understood parts of the movie better told through its words.

It has been awhile since I cried over a movie. And I guess most of the tears that ran down on my cheeks were those contained earlier since I have held them for quite sometime.

Today, I've also had the privilege to enjoy my Jamiroquai while driving with the windows down. It reminds me of how life used to be. Alone, clean from all these vices, dancing in my room carefree and nothing, nothing burdened this warm loving soul of mine.

Love is a shitty platform that make the strongest person at its most vulnerable state.

I don't regret love. I have love. I have love and love and love and have no regrets on love.

I just miss those happy moments. Those talks, conversations. Those kissing the hand while driving. Those clinging to the thumb and holding it for a few minutes that felt forever. Those biting of lips.

I also miss those mornings when I race with the moon. When I catch the sun rising. When I get calls and text messages. Maybe I miss being in love. When you're in love, everything feels great and you lose yourself in the depth of it.

Right now, I am currently happy. But there's some sense of longing. At the back of my mind, I wonder whether I have been missed.

One thing for certain, I am so glad, that I have cheated my ex by sleeping with someone else when we were together. Was I proud of it? No. Did I felt guilty? No. But at least, I don't feel bad. And most of all, I was glad. Did it justify everything that happens, in some sense, it did.

Life is like .... a roll of toilet paper, a superior colleague once said. Thats a technical person's point of view.

I guess Life is like ... a notebook. Some like it with lines, some wants it blank. We fill it with what we want to fill it with. Some can afford a moleskin, others can only manage to buy those locally made "monologue". But at the end of the day, we flip back to those earlier pages to see what we have written, how different our handwritings were when we were on a rush, when we write standing and the doodles we made when we were bored.

I found a hole in my soul.

I lost in the abyss of that hole.

I hope to find something beautiful in the depth of the abyss.

So here I am. Bitching about those who broke my heart like a silly little baby, blaming them for my nonreciprocating love.

What gives.

Who the f*cking hell cares.

I'm only a bitter bitch to you.

Because of the hole you dug into.

From the love I once gave to you.