The Cosmic Wise and Crappy Words

Thursday, January 31, 2008

holding on ... to not drift away

it has been weeks. her heart has never been this heavy. a sight of the single name felt like a stab to the heart. she smiled. she frowned. she started to get all sweaty. her heart beats a million drums. she feels like falling into a deep abyss without ever reaching the ground.

things happened. assumptions made. but the truth lies nowhere within the conscious mind. if only words are better spoken. if only the eyes can see. if only this hands can feel the warmth of the skin.

she felt hollow. empty. love, like life, drained out of her. but no matter how much it drained out, her heart is still heavy.

she walked in the middle of the hot sun. she have the strength the look up and fight for the sight of the strong fierce sun. but not the ability to move on, let go, and forget about the beloved. the pain is worst that the piercing heat. worst than heavy drops of rain.

she stopped and hold the railing. she looked down towards the large drain. if only troubles in life are easily washable. her grip tighten. and drop of tear fell on her warm hands. but the iron railing felt cold. she started to tremble as the tears ran down her cheeks. how heavy can her heart get? her head started to spin. round and round without direction. visions are clear but she can see nothing ahead. she just stood there crying. not letting go of the railing. not wiping her tears. just there. crying. all alone.

and for a moment. it all stop. like sudden rain from a single black cloud. the water in the large drain still flows endlessly. she held on to the railing. trying to not drift away. because even if she did. she had nowhere to drift away to.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

one headlight

with one headlight. one eyes closed. a freezing pair of lungs. and a bloody blocked nose.

with one friend less. one heart crashed. perception of love shattered. and tears dried up before they left the eyes.

with one dream dreamt. one goal seen. a determination to achieve. and a strong will to proceed.

to you. I'll be no one anymore. we'll be perfect strangers who bumps into each other at the door. I'll smile and then stare at the floor. trying to find the memory of you I once had before.

to you. I'll be not the one you seek. we don't have the chemistry when we speak. I'll chew off my words and listen to my own heartbeat. trying to find the love of you I tried to feel the least.

to me. I'm the person I am to be. I will be happy with smiles from the people I love to see. I'll be contend with the things God blessed me with. even without you and you to fill my heart within.

Friday, January 25, 2008

trying times

its 3.22am and I am wide awake. I have slept the entire day until half an hour ago when I woke up to vomit. I haven't eaten anything since late afternoon. I haven't had the urge to eat because my body was so heated up and I chose to sleep instead. Now that I'm awake, there's nothing else to do but this. Because I'm not strong enough to walk downstairs and get me some food. My head is still heavy and apparently every step that I took was getting slower than usual. I basically have time to grunt in between every single step. yes, I grunt and growled a lot. sick like a bitch, thats how I would say it. not a dog, nor a puppy. just a bitch. cos I whine and rant and apparently bitch about people when I'm sick. no surprises there huh.

anyways, despite those very crappy entries that I posted recently, life has actually been great for me (despite the fact that I'm sick).

Last Friday, I went to the Youth 2008 Exhibition held at PWTC and organised by Youth Malaysia ( ). I went there to do some research and also support my friend Atilia who was the guest celebrity for the slot "Celebrity Secrets". Her slot include her, Juwita Suwito, Deborah Henry (Miss Malaysia) and Nabil Zamanhuri. It was a great experience as I got to chat and interview Atilia and Juwita, see a close-up of Deborah Henry (who is gorgeous!!!) and finally meet Nabil who has been a friend via friendster for a year now. Apparently me and my friend Oya brought our cameras with us, so we played photogs the whole afternoon.

From Left: Juwita Suwito, Deborah Henry, Atilia Haron, Nabil Zamanhuri and Johan Farid Kamarudin (host)

Saturday was another good day since my good friend Alin was in town for a few days, so we decided to meet up for a little reunion. Alin has been flying with SIA since May 2007 and we haven't seen her since then. So the girls, me, Dayana, Lilia, Tina and Alin met up for a gossip session.

On Sunday morning, I accepted an invitation to Bibi's house to take pictures of Aini Sakinah, whom I haven't gotten the chance to meet since she was born. Aini is an adorable little girl and even when she poopied on her mom, she still remained adorable. I have yet to edit all the pictures I've taken (sorry bibs) due to me being sick and all but I'll try to finish it throughout the weekend. But it was quite sweet when Bibi's mum thought that I was a professional photog. An honour for this very very newbie who's not even an amateur yet. This is my favourite shot of her.

Introducing Aini Sakinah Ammar

So, I'm not so sure about this weekend. Mama's birthday is on Sunday and I have yet to buy her anything due to me being so broke.

Well. Let us all pray that my rezeki is cheap. Heheheheh.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

yesterday. today. tomorrow.

yesterday, I've been loved a little less.

today, I've not been loved at all.

tomorrow, she'll be gone from my life.

yesterday, I was a friend.

today, I'm history.

tomorrow, just another dust that flew in her direction.

yesterday, I was healthy.

today, I'm sick.

tomorrow, I'll wait for my death.

yesterday, we smiled and hugged.

today, we barely knew each other.

tomorrow, we're perfect strangers.

one thing that will never change

for yesterday, today and tomorrow.

is my love. for the one I have loved.

being sick makes me whiny and bitchy. then again, I AM WHINY AND BITCHY MOST OF THE TIME. It doesn't help that in times of need, you couldn't reach out to someone. Because you're very much replaceable. Because apparently, you doesn't have anything special that people would hold on to you and keep you close. yesterday, I was chased out of the office because I should've taken a sick leave, after my boss saw me feeling lifeless in front of the computer. today, I'm bed bound and was drowsily high on drugs. tomorrow, I'll force myself to be on my feet for the training course at Pan Pacific Regency. I doubt I can make it. But I know, I actually can. as much as company of close friends occupied most of my time these past few days, I still couldn't get a few things off my mind. and how I wanted to so badly. because if I can't, I'll be a stupid person longing for something I can never get. a very stupid person indeed. well, I am stupid if I deemed to be replaceable.

I'll go downstairs for my medication now.


apa yang adil?

ditinggalkan tanpa khabar berita?

apa yang adil?

disisihkan serta merta?

tiada yang adil.

jika seseorang itu layak dtinggalkan dan disisihkan.

Friday, January 18, 2008

this moment



Feelings felt as a form of punishment.

To be missing someone.

Or something.

Feelings felt as a form of reminder.



To step on and walk.



A reminder of limits and boundaries.

Me. You.

Forms substance and life.

Reminder of divinity. and GOD.

Monday, January 14, 2008

melangkah ....

Trying to move on. Trying very very hard. Its not easy. But having said that, its funny. Because I always run away from problem. And I always find ways to handle things.

Today is the 5th of Muharam, 1429H. I forgot to wish you all Happy New Year and may we carry the Hijrah term in our mind as well in our hearts.

Hence the need to move on.

Lately I've been hanging out with people who are much more older than me and I feel comfortable fitting in. Like I told my friend Oya, I'm a 31 year old who's stuck in a 25 year old with a 65 year old's absent mind. Owh, must add a year to all that now.

This is going to be a good year. Travel in plans and good things coming in my line of work. I'm looking forward for it.

But today, with the faith and trust I held when I gave my car keys to the parking attendant, I know .... in life .... there are certain things we must be brave and daring .... and also trusting our instincts.

simple trust.

like giving my carkeys just with "Kakak. Keys. Lorry Outgoing." as justification.

like trusting your employees' judgment and decisions when necessary, those who have shown great effort and honesty throughout their work.

like trusting you daughter to be able to take care of herself after she has shown her credibility as a trustworthy daughter, taking care of the household and her younger siblings whenever necessary.

hurm, I sound so mak nenek berleter. My friend once told me she can always imagine my face berletering away.

okay. moving on now.

bulan dan bintang di mana kamu
matahari juga tidak ku temu
hati ini meratap sayu
hujan membasahi hati ku yang biru

di dalam gelap aku mencari
bulan, bintang dan juga matahari
walaupun semua tidak menjelma sekali
tetapi masakan hilang tidak silih berganti

kini ku faham mengapa aku berjalan
ke hadapan, ke tepi tanpa tujuan
tiada sinar bagi ku menaruh harapan
hilangnya bulan, bintang dan matahari dari penglihatan

a lame one. don't blame me. bloody daniel beddingfield is playing on crashed my mood.

Monday, January 07, 2008

sunday glory

I don't know what to put for the title. It's 6.23am and I've gotten only 3.5 hours sleep before I woke up at 5am just now. After a sugarless black coffee, my mind hasn't started working yet.

I've had a great Sunday. The KL Flickr had an Analog Photo Walk where you were only to use film cameras (analog) or lomo cameras. I had my mom's not-so-old Rollei and had fun snapping 1 B&W film and 1 colour film. I still have 20 exposures left for my 2nd colour film. We walked from Central Market (altho me and Muid came a bit late and met them at Leboh Ampang istead), towards Leboh Ampang, Kotaraya, Jalan Pudu, Puduraya and back to Central Market.

After lunch at CM, we head to Jalan Masjid India before I took off, leaving the group for another shoot, a slightly different one, with another bunch of good buddies (Atilia's upcoming videoclip shoot and this one, definitely analog because shot on film).

I got home at 9pm (thanks to Sis who sent me home), started staring at those lovely photos that I took (mestilah puji tangkapan sendiri) and buzzed off at 1.30am, not doing my supposedly-homework. Now I'm up, but spent the previous 2 hours uploading pictures on my Flickr and Facebook.

Must. Force. Self. To. Do. Work.

(but do check out my flickr. NGEH NGEH NGEH)

Thursday, January 03, 2008

a new year

when I welcomed 2008, I wasn't being that optimistic about it. 2008 is just another year and nothing has changed. We haven't really fully pledge ourselves to robots, a giraffe is still an animal and people have yet to fulfill their endless previous year's resolutions.

madam director wrote on my comment to "change and the world will change with us".

change. talking about change. we all are aware of the term, the definition, the meaning between the lines of those roman alphabets.

my views on change are completely different. if you live my life where I moved from one state to another for every 3 years, changing to 7 different schools, jumping from one social group to another, change and adaptation cannot be argued within my presence. I was brought up to constantly change my environment without the ability to be complacent with where we settled down. I've been living in KL for 8 years now, but still even since then, I was studying in Melaka, and the Shah Alam, so my friends took 4 years to actually acknowledge my bare existence in Kuala Lumpur in order to ask me out for drinks and such.

come 2008, I said nothing has changed. because the world refuse to change. we are still barbaric in our own ways. we have problem in tolerating with others. and yes, I was still late to work as always.

I know I should be optimistic. line out my expectations and resolutions for the year. but I don't know why I have problems doing so.

its not that I refuse to change.

evidently I have changed a lot. I look thinner and skinnier even though I still weigh 47kgs. yes. that should be the only thing justifying my BIG CHANGE in the world.

I'm waiting until they announce the giraffe to be a dinasour.

why not. if cats can grow torns and lamp posts can grow fruits and the moon can turn blue. why not giraffes? why giraffes? why not.

thats what I wanted to change. I want thoughts to change. I want the ability to think out of norm. I want to ponder on stuff. why aren't we as curious as when we were children? why are we chasing maturity and wisdom and the ability to be taken as a grown-up?

are we going to be a dreamer who sleeps?

and a sinner who weeps?

or are we to be dreamers who floats high up in our skies, flapping our invisible wings while being able to land down on earth and talk sense.

and sinners who finds repentance and remorse as something so pure, a divine achievement worth striving for.

one thing obviously haven't change tho.

I still write and talk crap.

its 3rd January. I'm already broke. so, whats new?

but here, I would like to thank every single one of you who managed to drop by and read. It has been a big honour for me. I am going to publish some of my worthy craps, first in a 20-page Phoetry (Photography+Poetry) book by May this year and by my 30th Birthday, a full book entitled "Take My Hand ... Walk With Me". It will be divided to 3 categories, 'Her Stories', 'Love Foolosopher' and 'Bicara Sama Bulan'. I will compile the materials and put on voting for you guys on which to be chosen for the book. Do keep a lookout for that one. Will be personally published and only be distributed upon demand by friends.

owh. I'll be 26 in September. wow. how did that even happen?