reality check

yesterday, coming home from meeting someone, I was about to write a very very sad entry. throbbing by the words "reality check, abby. reality check!". as always, I contained my tears, driving through the evening traffic, formulating the structure of the post that I was thinking of writing.

as I got home and check my mails, I received one from a former colleague. Someone who is twice my age, who is more like a father to me when I was in my first job because I was spending about 12 hours a day at work, and someone, who once called my blog, "Indah".

As I read the simple message he sent me, I felt so deeply touched and wanted to cry. Like a father, he might appear to be, but he wrote like a person who understands me.

Among his last words to me were:-

keep cosmicabyss alive and strong, you wld always be mindful and be a believer of your strong good self.

My weak heart got up to smile. Last night, I told Fairuz what really went wrong with me.

People might say I'm a hypocrite and a great liar. Its funny that admitting to that already made me frank and honest. Bottomline, I speak of what it is. Which is better. Maybe sometimes I appear defensive when I explain myself. But at least I got myself straight and let it out. People who remained silent are considered better, they said. But those who remained silent, who don't explain, who let it be, have forced others to live by assumptions. And they get irritated when others make false assumptions and think others are self-centered bitches.

I am a manipulative, self-centered bitch who is very very good at lying and a hypocrite as well.

but at least someone ... someone far away from me, believes that I'm strong enough and this abyss of mine is worth keeping. Thank you En Shah. You always have my utmost respect and adoration.

a breather

Hope is a remarkable muscle - Marianne Pearl

I have to find strength to believe in that.

a weak point

today I hit my weakest point. I was vulnerable. Alone at the corner under the hot direct sun, my hands went cold and my knees weakened. I leaned against the railing, not wanting to fall down in front of the other guys who were enjoying their manly chat over their cigarette break.

guilt has taken over me. reality check. yes. I was convicted guilty.

a loner needs no attachment. when a loner found one, they will fall down miserably in the depth of the abyss, falling and falling, deeper and deeper, towards the endless bottom.

in shivers, I contained my tears from rolling down my cheek. I am not one who breaks down in the office. I am not one who breaks down. I am not one who submits to vulnerability. when I have problems, I run away from them. I divert my attention to simple simple things. Like hugs and kisses and comfort given by strangers.

of lately, my constant headache became more frequent. I conclude that its just migraine but my manipulative mind said, it is just a normal headache. plans to shave of my head came to mind, but later went away for the thought of my freaked out parents. painkillers should be within my reach. but which pain did I really wanted to kill?

in the end. only one person mattered most. and that person went away. and I blame every single person who stepped in the way. becos I couldn’t reach for the one who went away. that was the only issue left unresolved. that was the only problem. and that was the reason.

a loner should remain alone. and those who ends up in loneliness are the honest ones. but they are hypocrites as well. because its better to lie than to be hurt. as truth hurts. and honesty lies within the truth.

my heart felt like it was dying. as if I was looking at my dying heart, lying there on the death bed. I couldn’t make the pain go away. I sit there by the bedside, not knowing whether it will die or it will survive.

no one else mattered. only the one who went away.

thats why a loner should never be attached to anyone. for once the attachment is ripped off, a loner will break into pieces and die.

a guy once asked me, “so, you must’ve been an independent freak”.

I answered, “I am an independent freak”.

a loner should not depend on anyone. a loner should not show signs of vulnerability. a loner must walk by their own two feet.

“we all care for you”.

I don’t think you should. Because a selfish person, I only wanted one to care for me, but that one person left me.

the head spins 360 degrees. the mind got cluttered. tears should not come out. shivers will go away.

a loner should not cry in the office.

owh fuck it!

notice of announcement

I won't post anything for the time being. To not irritate anyone, annoy anyone or maybe errrr, make more sarcastic remarks on anyone.

But thats not the main reason. The main reason is that I'll be experimenting a few designs before I relocate the cosmic abyss into my personal domain.

Although there's no point explaining when we are all directly or indirectly being forced to live in assumptions, I assume people will take me as being dramatically defensive of myself. Maka, sekian dari saya, wabilahitaufik wahidayah, wassalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh. And may peace be upon you all in your days of happiness among your non-judgmental friends. (still a bitch to the very last word, demmit, I never grow up do I?)

Anyways, I came across a friend's favourite quote which made me think of the purpose of my sarcastic bitchiness.

" If your friendship depends on things like space and time, then when we finally overcome space and time, we've destroyed our own brotherbood! But overcome space, all we have is Here. Overcome time, all we have is Now. And in the middle of Here and Now, don't you think that we might see each other once or twice?"
- Richard Bach

if a promise ain't enough

If my coming here were my will, I would not have come.
Also, if my departure were my will, how should I go?
Nothing could be better in this ruined lodging,
Than not to have come, not to be, not to go.


- Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam -

_{Sang Bulan}

It was one of those rare moments in life.


I was sitting alone in the dark, the scent and light from my candles filled the air and space in my hollow room. A slight breeze rushed in from the wide open windows. And then I looked up and saw her there.


Its funny that I didn't notice her at first. She was trying to hide behind a very thin antenna, which serve no purpose as she glows of light straight into my heart.


My desire to sleep left unnoticed. All I wanted to do is just sit there and be with her. Despite the distance. Despite the difference. Where she glows of light. And my soul spells E-M-P-T-Y.


I realised she's slipping away. But I kept on waiting, for no reason. Just to see her. As she slides away from my eyesight.


At least I can remember for a moment, she was there, that she really existed, and that I was the luckiest person on earth at that very moment to admire her beauty and loving every single dot of light that made up that powerful authoritative glow.


I don't expect her to look back. I don't even try to imagine that she notice me.


As the sky went completely black and empty like my soul, she was once there. And I was there with her.

when it happen, it happens

what do you do ....

when

someone you chatted with daily.

someone you talked with while driving to and from work.

someone you spent countless hours over coffee, cigarattes and conversations about every single thing.

someone whom after you chatted all day at work, talked while you were driving home, get caffeinated together and still have the excitement to chat once you switch on your laptop before you go to bed.

suddenly slips away... without a word.

and you got to know they have problems they can't tell you. After all your effort of being there for them.

today a friend told me, we are forced to live by assumptions. When the other party chose to leave things unsaid.

we end the day by blaming ourselves and cherishing what we've been through together.

I'm moving on but its hard to forget. I hope that I'll hit my head on a rock instead of hitting rock bottom in my heart.

one fine day, they will come and explain. but its worthless to wait for that one day that might not happen.

"it'll come to you if its meant to be rekindled"

I'm too vulnerable to have faith in that anymore.

happy valentine's day people

a room with a view

candles.

tony bennet.

loneliness.

and the thought of the one who went away.

the most dreaded question - So, what are you doing on Valentine's?

Its that time of the year again. flowers, chocolates, love, yada yada yada. I was having dinner with my chenta hati Fozz a couple of nights back and we were talking about our Valentine experiences. Valentine Day 2006, I was mugged. Thats a lovely one, don't you think. The feel of his jagged kitchen knife upon my wrist, what a lovely bond. Last year, I can barely remember what happened during Valentine aside from receiving chocolates from my former boss. A nice gesture indeed, especially for someone who previously had had a terrible Valentine.

So, I don't feel much love for Valentine. Nevertheless, I give love wishes and warm hugs to friends when I meet them. Then again, that don't just happen on Valentine's.

Today, I've pledged myself to Mark and Rovilson. Haha. Amazing Race Asia Finale. I'm rooting for them. Sorry Chong sisters.

Yesterday, my friend Erna exhibited her photography works for the CUT: New Photography in Southeast Asia exhibition in Willie Fine Art Gallery in Bangsar. I was so amazed by her photos. Her journalistic observant eyes served her well through her photography works. I met Erna when I was involved in organising the Merdeka 50: A Celebration of Malaysian Art at the Islamic Arts Museum where she works now, and during the official launch of the exhibition, my brother Muid was actually a friend of hers through Flickr. We bonded again during our smoking session at Colosseum Cafe after the Flickr Merdeka Photo Walk. Erna is a very warm loving person and you cannot NOT fall in love with her charm. Even though it wasn't the first exhibition that she participated in, I am highly proud of her, and also to be her friend.

Anyways, last night itself was an exhibition of love among the KL Flickr members. I can't even remember how many hugs I received and gave out. Hugging Kazzie, Vis, Che Din, Ena and Magnus itself has given such great energy to fuel these next few days.

During our mamak session post the exhibition, I saw Kabir bought some flowers for Valentine. As he sat back on his chair, he said why do girls love all this because he has been doing this for 10 years, giving flowers to the same girl. I simply said that I am not a flower person and I'd rather a guy feed me good than buy me flowers.

Suddenly, I bluntly asked him, "Are you buying it because you want to, or because she wants you to?". For a good 5 minutes, he was quiet, couldn't find words to answer my ever-so-stupid question as if it caught him off guard. He explained, he doesn't know what it feels or how to answer my question because it has become a routine in his life. Like a button automatically triggered come 13th February every year to prepare the roses and whatnot.

There are certain things in life, you keep on doing and it takes a stranger to actually give you a reality check.

It wasn't my intention to judge Kabir and I think its sweet of him to do that for the woman he loves. Then again, its no longer my place to judge anything that's got to do with love because I am the most ignorant self-centered bitch there is and I disregarded almost everyone who showed compassion in terms of love to me. And today, I came to think that to this date, as much as I preach love, I can never understand the dynamics and magical thing about it.

Recently I have become a bad friend to one of my good friend. I've completely disregarded her need for space and also understanding. As a friend, I was demanding, judgmental and ignorant. My actions took a toll on me, for such a good friendship ended without goodbyes and closure. That should explain the recent posts on Karma. And my unacceptable emotional posts are only due to my missing her friendship, our talks about life and witty conversation that include some weird jokes that can only be understand by two good friends. I know that its only deserving to me that she left the friendship without goodbye and its only fair that I don't enter her life anymore. As far as friendship goes, we've shared the best friendship I can ever imagine. Its hard to let go and there will be more nights when I have something to talk about, and suddenly realise that she's not going to be there for me to talk to. There will be nights when I dread to get her opinion on something only to be sitting alone in my room missing her terribly. To love is to let go, but letting go is hard. My only disappointment is that she never explained what I did wrong, maybe because it hurt her too. And another disappointment was that, I can barely remember the last time I hugged her.

I'm writing this in the spirit of Valentine. Of discussing love. Love that covers all aspect. And in this post, its dedicated to friendship. Even though I still have lots of loving hugable friends, I do treat every single friendship as exclusively individual and individually special.

So, tonight. I'll be stuck in front of the television admiring Mark and Rovilson's witty charm racing for USD 100,000. Thats the only exercise of love I can do for Valentine's. I'm wishing you lots the best of love! Not only for Valentine's, but for your lifetime.

again. karma.

So lose not heart, nor fall in despair: for ye must gain mastery if ye are true in Faith.
- Surah Ali Imran, Verse 139 -

things are picking up.


Jakarta trip, confirmed. Leave, confirmed. Good company of friends such as Oya, Emi, Alvaro not mention Atilia and her entourage, confirmed. Old people to look after me so that I won't get overboard, trust strangers and sleep around, confirmed. Atilia singing some of my favourite songs, confirmed. Photography on the streets of Jakarta, confirmed. My beloved brother Muid to tag along with me, confirmed.


I've sorted out some issues. I'm now single but I do adore the friendship I have with him. If there's possibility, we'll take steps forward. If not, we'll be good friends. For this moment, I have no desire to start a new relationship. I have no desire for dating. I have issues within that I need to confront with. I have guilt within I need to punish myself with. And I need to force this bitterness out from my heart. It had become a black and bitter heart.


APART FROM THAT, my first, ever so simple, corporate print ad design is in THE MALAYSIAN Accountant (Journal of the Malaysian Institute of Certified Public Accountant). With my pictures! With my own personal amateurish pictures! Its so simple. But its my design. Just like the postcards that I designed for Merdeka 50: A Celebration of Malaysian Art. Its nothing cos it uses the artists artwork images. But its my friggin design and I don't have shit knowledge in designing.




And I'm worth $18, 745 in Friends On Sale application on Facebook. Have been bought by many others (whom which I paksa beli every freaking morning).


And my lovely colleagues brought me to this Restoran Kader in Leboh Ampang for my first banana leaf rice experience. We took the train all the way from KL Sentral to Masjid Jamek just for lunch. It was quite fun riding the train with 2 guys. And I forced Ron to take pictures of me with the banana leaf using his new camera phone because I didn't bring my camera with me. Ron with his usual "argh, girls" look obliged with "Okay, SMILE!". Its funny that I had 2 scoops of rice when the guys had only 1. Diet konon! Piiirrraaahhhh!

_{One with the banana leaf.}

_{One with the rice and side dishes.}

I'm 25 and things are picking up. Its worth the nights I cried. Its worth the faith people have in me.


Alhamdulillah. I hope for the best in your lives. Yes, especially you.


_{on a personal note, I don't think Karma is questioning god's qada' and qadar. Karma is just a perception of what goes around comes around. The fact that its being introduced by other faith should not be taken seriously. Because in the end, we do believe that bad energies given out will be brought back to you, vice versa. Maybe thats how I perceived Karma. Just an explanation. No intentions of being defensive.}

rock bottom

communication breakdown. thats the word. like a non-functional outdated cable. thats was the cause.


we started, we evolved and we mature. our estimated lifespan has expired.


in the end, its pointless to force a connection, for cables which are not compatible.


we look back and reminisce when the connection was the thing that hold everything together, the strongest power that made everything alive.


new cables are needed now. technology develops so fast. once so useful cable that served our life, now become redundant and useless.


we can keep those old cables as keepsakes. some might see them as junks. some keeps them for old time sake.


we can throw them away to make room for new things, useful things that we will use daily.


I keep junks. I throw some away. But I'll never forget. unless I'll suffer Alzheimer in the future. Then again, I do have my 3-seconds fish memory.

karma

do you believe in karma? well I do. I believe that karma hits with good force (not fozz, please be noted ya a certain someone). owh, shoot, there goes my focus again.

anyways, ya. I believe in karma. but a good friend of mine tonight told me that karma happens and just be it.

tonight I got a good dose of friendly comfort from two of my most trusted friends about two different people in (or out of) my life. and both of them made good argument if not advices in their cases of comforting and bringing sense to this confused state of mind.

I had too much laugh with the first friend and too much tears with the second one.

this moment, here and now, I can't feel bitter. maybe a bit strained after crying for a good 15 minutes on the phone. but it was justified with the sore throat I'm having after laughing too hard at dinner earlier.

love is a funny thing. and when you pledged it wholeheartedly to the wrong person, karma hits you good.

what I learned from all this is that I'm better off by myself. because at the end of the day, be it for whatever reason, its pointless to please everyone. and as everyone I've pleased told me that the whole world doesn't evolve around me after my devotion of making the whole world evolved around them, I shouldn't be afraid to be selfish anymore.

karma works in good way, for the best. to punish the guilty ones and to bring better perspectives for the victims.

tonight I see sincere love from two greatest friend one can ever ask for. and as I said 'I love you' to them, I know this love will never backfire in karma.

tonight will define a new path, for the decision I'm about to make. And I hope everyone who knows me well enough, would have faith in this decision, in the choices I make and in this person I've become.

but I apologise for the drama that I've caused. I say it better with written words because I'm a coward. And all I deserve is to be a loner and unloved, and a small circle of friends who can take me as who I am, the demanding drama queen who's confused all the time and sarcastic at any given opportunity.

Everything should happen for a reason. Enough Abby enough. People do stupid things and make foolish decisions when they're hurt. They can't think straight. So I'm doing everyone a favour. Despite being matured and thinking straight, I shall be stupid, foolish and ... errr, stupid. Because for the first time I feel pain and hatred. Hatred. Hatred because someone is doing me a favour. So I'm returning the favour because karma has hit me hard and hit me good.

Thank you karma. Thank YOU.

berat

berat. hati ku berat.
kelam. pandangan ku kelam.
luluh. jiwa ku luluh.
pening. otak ku pening.


tiba tiba, segala-galanya terjah serentak.
di kala ini aku lupa.
hatiku tenggelam di dalam perasaan.
jiwaku digelumangi emosi yang berbeda beda.


mudah sungguh semua berkata lupakan sahaja
mudah sungguh dia hilang sekelip mata
mudah sungguh daku berprasangka
mudah sungguh pabila kita berpura pura


namun tidak mudah apabila perasaan bermaharajalela
bagaikan satu gerak tempur bergelodak di dalam dada
satu pihak mahu melupakannya
pihak yang merindui tidak sanggup berputih mata


matahari, tolong lah cepat beransur pergi.
bulan, datang lah segera ke dunia ku ini
supaya malam aku boleh beradu sepi
cuba melupakan orang yang pernah bertakhta di hati


detik. sedetik. cuba aku hitungi.
sampai bila? sampai bila? hati ini sanggup mengharungi.
kejam sungguh rindu yang menggamit hati.
ya allah, lepas kan lah aku dari cengkaman perasaan ini.

heartbreaks

sometimes it hurts, and at the same time, you smile
heartbreaks are painful, but some are worth while
if things happen for the best, you just cannot deny
heartbreaks will happen, if not once, maybe a couple of times.


its hard to be erased from someone's life
when love is the only thing you've pledged yourself to strife
but there will come a time when life is like throwing a dice
even though you've tried your very best to be nice.


and so today I read back the card
even though trying to read it apparently is hard
my heart is like an aim, you hit with a dart
but what do you care, when its not your heart.


and the card reads:-

When I hear someone talk about loyalty,
I think about you.
There have probably been times
when it wasn't easy to be my friend,
times when it would have been
a lot more convenient
to let me sort out my problems on my own.


There were times when
you were willing to drop everything
to talk to me on the phone
or give me a helping hand,
times when you put aside your own worries
to help me through mine.


You did it because friendship isn't just
a matter of convenience to you.
You know that it's a full time job
when it's done right.


You have always
stood by me,
and I just want to
thank you
for being
that kind of person,
for being
that kind of friend.


-Suzanne Berry-

And so tonight, I realised
I was never a loyal or a good friend
and I never tried to put a fight
rather than retaining the magic, all I did was to drive us apart.


And so I'm sorry
and I hope you're happy with not having me around
to hurt you with my sarcasm
to annoy you with my drama
to burden you with my demands.


Even though tonight missing you kills me slowly
But at least I know you're living a better life
Away from me.

the love story

Before he left, he sat by his bed, reloading the credit to his phone. I said, "Afis wajib sms Kak Yang tau. Dah reload ni. Jangan buang credit sms orang lain". He smirked.


That night, as he reached Kuala Krai, he sent me a message. "Hye, how your life going since i 'balik kampung'?


I didn't reply. One, because I was still doubting the fact that the message was for me. Second, I was still digesting the fact that it comes from my slightly obese 12 year old baby brother.


I took the liberty to reply only tonight. "Hi .... My life is boring since u 'balik kampung'. U sudah makan? Are u having fun?"


He replied, "Not really enjoyable because you two are not coming ... TT_TT". I know the last few alphabets read a smiley face but my cheap substitute handphone couldn't read it. He was refering to me and my 15 year old sister Afiqah who couldn't join the trip back to Kelantan.


So I said, "Aww... Well, u can enjoy being the only child to mama and abah".


And then it came in, "No.. i dont enjoy it...i feel somewhat lonely...anyway, why you replying me so late?...i sms u last night..."


At this moment, I was in tears and smiles. I know Afiqah saw it. I was taken aback by my brother's good english, but most of all, his soft side, the side that loves me and treating me as if I'm his girlfriend. The thing I wanted most, his devotion in this special sacred bond we've created ever since he was born. At this moment, I didn't know whether to be wanting him to grow up, or just be the adorable (but slightly obese) baby brother to me.


The only reply I can give was, "I the takde credit la. Hehehe. Got psp also lonely ke?"


and he started talking how boring his strategy game was and how he is actually waiting for dinner. it ended there and he got tired in replying my messages.


but I know, deep inside he misses me. and I misses him. and God knows how much I love him.

He'll always be this small for me, no matter how old he'll grow up to be.

Afis in 1997. My cute deer caught in headlights.

And to amuse you guys, I've gotten a little something from IKEA. You won't find this special item in the catalogue book.

Just for MYR 315, you get a cutely whacked friend.

See, nowadays, you can buy a friend. I met up with Ary and later met with Farah at The Curve. Farah wanted to actually give back the sling bag she borrowed from me for her Christmas company trip to Rome last December 25th. I told her, I missed her more than I miss my bag. Even though I've met her a couple of times already since she got back from Rome on January 3rd.


Yeah. Despite everything else, I should be merry. At least I got a few who still loves me if one person chose not to.

miss couch potato

there'll be four days of rest for all us hardworking corporate slaves.


I have pledged myself to be a couch potato. starting after forcing my lungs to catch breath while endlessly laughing at "Meet The Spartans" (I'm a sucker for spoofs, a MAD fan of MADtv and SNL, go figure!), we got back home and I started my marathon with "Sliding Doors", Gwyneth Parltrow's first British film (I think). I just realised that Sydney Pollack was the producer. I first watched "Sliding Doors" in 1999 thanks to my sister who were at that time, a bit of anglocentric due to her stay there (hehe, sorry yongie). I really like the movie then and it didn't change a bit after 9 years. I like the possibility of "what if" and the reality being compared to it.


For Thursday, I watched "Stranger Than Fiction". I really think its a good movie, sort of like a reality check for writers. I am always fond of Emma Thompson and I think Will Ferrel did a good job in the movie although I'm not really a fan of his. And I also love the fact that the writer types on a typewriter, since the writers portrayed on popular media that appeals to me like Colin Firth in "Love Actually", Jack Nicholson in "As Good As It Gets" and Ewan McGregor in "Moulin Rouge". The sounds of the typewriter and the intensity of reading the lines one by one as it was typed has, somekind of a magical effect, for a writer-wannabe like me.


I continued with my tv slot as I cancelled my trip going back to Kelantan with my folks to babysit my baby sister who's sick. So I catched up with my Amazing Race marathon. For the first time watching the Pinkies (goth dating couple) having to amuse the people of Africa. Then I watched Juno (again!) for god knows how many time. Somehow, Ellen Page's existing dry humour incorporated in her character is brilliant. And for her being that young, its really captivating for me. I'm a sucker for dry sarcastic humour. Maybe thats why I can comprehend the jokes made by my bosses, who are British. My colleague was saying how he couldn't get it when they can stay serious and suddenly, out of nowhere, cracked a joke with a stern face. After "Juno" I watched the Amazing Race Asia. Am really proud of Malaysian ladies who made it to top four, the Dancing Moms and the Chong sisters. Well, I proposed to Suzie that we should enter despite our inability to swim and need for nicotine every 30 minutes. We'd be the short breather, non-swimming, Scrabulous Sisters from Malaysia. Hahaha. I dozed off through the first 15 minutes of "Beowulf" (sorry Angie, didn't have the chance to watch you) only to wake up at 3am, joined Muid to watch "A Scanner Darkly" a new cartoon-filtered movie featuring Keanu Reeves, Robert Downey Junior and Winona Ryder.


Now its 4.30am and I'm watching "Amelie". Its just because I adore Audrey Tautou and my previous copy of the movie comes without subtitle. I plan to also watch "A Very Long Engagement" and "Hors de Prix" again. I don't understand French but I understand Audrey Tautou so I think thats enough. Haha.


I know my movie selections aren't as artistically creative as those people flooding madam director's blog, but its enough to make me understand why people make movies. However, I am a bit eager for the original copy of Cinema Paradiso if Alvy can get it for me in California.


Owh, Angelina Jolie will be in this one helluva great action movie. Check it out at www.wantedmovie.com . An incorporation of Mr. and Mrs. Smith and Lara Croft, Jolie has proven herself to be the Goddess of Assassin movies. She is great in portraying this good hearty assassin who kills heartlessly but deep inside, passionate for what she does and who she feels for. Yeah, I'm simply being biased. I'm obsessed with Jolie.


I should take my comforter down to the couch with me.


Owh, Amelie's music score is very .... very .... good ........


and I have lots of time in my hand. I should finish reading "A Mighty Heart" and at least continue my "The Perfect Hostage".

misread

today I wanted to write about friendship. I've mentally blogged while I was in the shower this morning. that's how I used to do it. but apparently work has taken most of my time during the day to really note down what I've thought of writing at first. so this might not be as the original mental blog I've constructed while staring endlessly at the water in the tub.


friendship is a sacred thing for me but apparently, its the only thing that will kill me. for so long, I've been blessed with good friends. I have yet been stabbed by any of them. I carefully choose the ones close to me and yes, I am very much a picky person. I have the tendency to get easily bored if the company I have is not engaging enough. and when I get bored, I can easily shut myself off from people. I have this hunger for intellectual challenge. I needed the people around me to be equally intellectual if not equally sarcastic and funny. maybe it sounds as if I'm boasting and bragging on my own intellectuality. but I once chatted with a friend who shared the same view. we get disgusted easily by people who insult our intelligence when they try to make jokes which is not appealing at all and they thought it was funny enough. an analyst by profession and a judgemental person by nature, when it comes to criticising people, I should be at the highest hierarchy.


but recently, my actions has spoken louder than word. my demand for reciprocation of the love I gave away has taken its toll on me. its truly a demand rather than a well-deserved appreciation. I have lost the greatest friendship I've ever had, and the only person to be blamed is me.


as I feel lost and hollow, I tried so hard to compensate it with the love given from others. I have fallen so deeply in love with some new friends, who, at the very first month, showed such affection as if you've known them for years. I found company in people much older than me. I felt appreciated. I felt loved. but deep down inside, its not the same. I kept on comparing and comparing when comparison is the most unfair thing to do.


patience is a virtue. apparently, I am not a person who seeks virtue. I am all fake and mostly creating drama in the eyes of those who left me. I remembered some words a former bestfriend said upon my same demand of reciprocation. she said "The world doesn't evolves around you". no. I know that for sure. But those very words, when said by the person whom you've shown endless love to, stabs you unknowingly. I blame myself for the lost of that friendship but I've overcome it. I remembered the days during which, I saved all my coins to make phonecalls, to retain a sacred bond I labeled friendship. I remembered those times when I cried alone, because at times of need, I couldn't be there for her, I couldn't be the shoulder she cried on, I couldn't give more than I have given. I remembered when I felt so mad because she cried about her boyfriend who slapped her. I felt like rushing to the boyfriend's neighbourhood and just kill someone if needed. I have gone this far in giving my love for the sake of a sacred friendship.


again. this time around. it proved nothing. another one left within my reach. and again, I was to blame. for my obsessive demands. for the love I've given. although for a sure fact, I knew, I was solely responsible for every bit of love that I gave away. no one else can be put to blame.


there comes a time, when everything ends, we're taken back to the very first moment of when it all started. we had so many precious moments, I can't remember how much we've actually fought. I shared so many smiles, I can't remember any tears I've cried.


the ability to love is overwhelming. it kills and cherishes you with abundance of joy at the same time. the only thing I can do is be thankful of how blessed I am to have crossed path with those who left me.


at times, I am selfish. I wanted more. I wanted back what I've given. we are all like that. if we give attention away, is only for the purpose of the attention we actually demanded. nobody can argue on that. but you are liable for your own action. and at the end of the day, nothing, will ever go your own way.


for those who have left. I keep them in my heart. they left without goodbyes. but ... they're gone and nothing I can do to gain back the friendship that I've lost. like when I was mugged. I didn't get anything back. the mugger took what he had taken. but he gave me strength. and that's what lost friendship does to you. they took away your love. but they've given you trust and faith. trust, that you are better off. faith, that you'll be strong enough to go through life.


I'm holding back tears while writing this with a heavy heart. but for all the love in the world I have given to those lost friends, I couldn't cry, I can only smile, for the brief togetherness we've shared, has made me the person that I am right at this moment.


for those who left. I will never stop loving you. love is like yoga. once you've stretched your muscles, you're flexible for life.


those who think that I am making up drama in my life. you have never loved the way I do. you might not understand the boundaries of love. maybe some are blessed with the ability to love. others, have not. because they've been cheated and stabbed. for those people. I pray that blessings be in your path of love. I believe it all falls in your inner heart. be sincere. be honest. it will shine through regardless. and remember, god has not put burden to any soul that the soul can't bear. so, for all the difficulties in life, is because we can very much handle it. no matter how low we crushed, we are still walking, living and breathing. blessed in other ways.


I'm writing this for closure. because I need to see a direction. once, I was lovingly asked to move on. with arms wrapped around a warm body, I ducked and cried saying how hard for me to move on because I can't face the end of something so beautiful. tonight. I trembles with hope that I can move on.


I lived my whole life, raising myself. maybe not in the most challenging way like others. but, I have trained myself to not be a dreamer, to be a realistic person who rationalise everything.


I'm not a pretty person. Looks is not in my package. I'm not a very intelligent person. Brains is just an organ I seems to have on top of my head. My wit is full of sarcasm. I am deemed to hurt people and cause pain. all I have is sincere love. and even that, is not something I can be praised.


another year. and getting older. and you're not here.


my only wish is that you will find friends who will love you the way I do. because you deserve them. even if I don't deserve you.

How come no-one told me
All throughout history
The loneliest people
Were the ones who always spoke the truth
The ones who made a difference
By withstanding the indifference
I guess it's up to me now
Should I take that risk or just smile?

(a verse from Misread by Kings of Convenience that have been playing in my head all day)


having written all this, I apologise to those I took forgranted. If you know me well, you know I'll won't go without saying goodbye. Its just I'm away for a brief of time. And I always come back. I'm a sucker for haunting people's life. my soul is old. maybe it gets old fast because there's not enough time in this world for me. I'm not dying. I'm just 25. but I haven't seen the world. and spread my love all around.

kering ... kontang ...

The past few days have been pretty relaxing for me. after a while of being kering kontang, I had the means to release some stress through retail and friends therapy. I had to work on Friday and was at the office early, even opened the door of the office because I was there at 9.30am, on a public holiday of course. until after 5pm, I decided that work is enough and I needed to let loose so I went to KLCC and met up with Fynaz and Gjie for an early dinner before they went of for their Sheila Majid concert. I ended up watching Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber from Fleet Street with Muid who was also from work. I have to admit, Tim Burton is a genius for Sweeney Todd is one helluva movie. Although I still stand firmly on the fact that my all-time favourite musical movie would be Moulin Rouge (not even Grease I tell you, Baz Lurhman have taken me in deeply with Moulin Rouge), nevertheless, Sweeney Todd is a very creatively done. Anthony's (Jamie Campbell Bower) character somehow doesn't really appeal to me, it was a bit distracting and funnily annoying to see him singing "Johanna". But Judge Turpin's (Alan Rickman) duet with Sweeney Todd (Johnny Depp) is very vocally good, and Mrs. Lovett's (Helena Bonham Carter) duet with Toby (Ed Sanders) is another hit for the movie. Johnny Depp has proven to be a helluva actor, and he can sing! However, my votes on a vocally talented actor/actress goes to Brittany Murphy as Gloria in Happy Feet. I don't know why but her vocals blew me off (in the best way possible). She really got me boogying on the dancefloor, thats one thing for sure.

_{pretty whacked siblings, photo by Atilia Haron}

after Sweeney Todd, Muid and I joined Atilia, Suzie, Gjie, Fynaz, Fizar, Jerry and Sam at the Melting Pot in Concorde. We exchanged our review of the movie for Sheila Majid's extraordinary concert conclusion which they gave two-thumbs up. It was a great night because it has been weeks since we're all tight up with our own errands and works. We talked mostly about Atilia's future performances, (please keep yourself updated) for No Black Tie (end of February), Java Jazz festival (the only Malaysian performing for Java Jazz! Thumbs up for my girl!) on 7th March, Sunburst Music Festival on March 15 at Bukit Kiara Equestrian Park, and some gigs at Alexis and Bangkok Jazz in March and April. We got back at 3am and I was so worn out from being up the whole day that I slept in my jeans.

_{From left:- Fynaz, Gjie, Tia, Me, Fizar, Suzie and Fid, Photo by Muid}

Saturday was a family day for me. after I fetched my younger sister from her tuition and stopped by at the local shopping mall - Selayang Mall. Nearly bought me a Sony Ericcson S500i but it was out of stock.

_{The Yellow Spring colour is haunting me!!!!}

Because I want it on that day itself and harassed the leng chai to call all his contacts. Unfortunately for him, they can't get the stock because the factories are closed for the Chinese New Year. And fortunately for me, I then have enough money and took the kids out for to Bangsar Village and Midvalley with Muid.


On Sunday, I took my mom to IKEA and bought her some periuk belanga as a belated birthday present. Hehehe. To cook more for us! And stayed home to watch the rerun of Screen Actors Guild awards which was held earlier during the week (Sunday 27th January 8pm US time, Monday 28th January 8am Malaysia time). Caught a glimpse of Angelina Jolie who looked gorgeous and was nominated for her potrayal of Marianne Pearl in A Mighty Heart. I'm currently reading the book even though I've watched the movie, but I really like the dialogue in the final dinner scene where Marianne (Jolie) said "Terrorist's purpose is to terrorise people and we are not terrorised by them" (or somewhat like that, I'm writing on top of my head without factual reference here). Anyways, I love Daniel Day-Lewis's winning tribute to the late Heath Ledger (at least he remembers, I can barely pinpoint anyone here in Malaysia would do that), and Julie Christie's acceptance speech where she said, "If I forgot to mention anyone, is because I'm still in character". Now I really want to watch "Away from Her".


Upon going to IKEA, I bought some mirrors and pasted them on the wall by the head of my bed which enhanced the whole outlook and size of my room.I love the reflection from the windows which I love to leave it open day and night and it gives more light to my room. Last night, I put on some scented candles, a Tony Bennet cd, and enjoyed my reading in the dark cold rainy night.

This is the most comforting corner of my room

It was a good weekend. I only hope for the best. Even with a heart that is breaking inside. Tears have dried up. But the heart is still longing for something I can never get.