The Cosmic Wise and Crappy Words

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

a little sappy girl

I didn't know whether it was a mistake or just a bad decision but after dozing of for 10 minutes last night, I accidentally woke up, took a vcd and watched it in bed using my laptop. It was an Indonesian movie called "Butterfly". A love triangle and a soul-searching journey by three friends, a guy and two girls. Funnily enough, the love triangle is that the pretty girl Desi, is in love with the tomboy girl, Tia, who is in love with the guy, Vano, who initially fell for Desi. Weird huh.

Anyways, I personally think the art direction was superb, kudos to the location manager and A.D. dept.

After I took out the CD, I suddenly took out my external hardrive, which stores all my writings. And what I end up doing, reading the sms transcript I had with someone who I fell in love with. Someone who I fell deeply in love with 2 years ago. We practically smses each other on a daily basis, in between our daily chats and coffee/ciggie outings.

Somewhere, deep inside, I miss this person.

Somewhere, deep inside, I'm still hurt.

Somewhere, deep inside, I still love.

It dawned to me the times I usually fall in love is when I am jobless. Twice, during my unemployment, I fell in love. At the same time of the year, for 2 years straight. I think I'm vulnerable when I'm unemployed. But its funny, when I start working, thats when the challenge of chemistry comes to play. If there's chemistry, I will not fall out of love despite my focusing on work. If there's no chemistry, I will slowly slip away.

I should get myself busy with projects. I actually committed myself to a few. Yes. First. Coffee.

Monday, April 28, 2008

couldn't be happier

I had THE best weekend, okayla, capitalising the letters would be somewhat over exaggerating it.

I had a great weekend.

Friday, I left the office, picked up my friend Oya and head straight to Great Eastern Mall. We had an early dinner (becos I was starving) and waited for the rest. Later, we were joined by Razlin, Emi and Nell and we went in Alexis to settle down. The Mujik family, Fizar, Atilia, Jerry and Teejay joined us as for the superstar needed her dinner. Hehe. Gotta fuel up to sing wholeheartedly eyh. Suzie joined us for the second set (who actually managed to get a quickie beauty sleep, cheh!) and enjoyed the whole night. Before we left, I texted Munir and apparently he just arrived from Singapore, so at the end of the night, I got the chance to catch up with Munir, goofed up some funny jokes with Big Show and left Alexis with Suzie. (both of us end up doing some funny stunts before we left the premise, typical situation when we get together, ahaks!). Nell who went back earlier, texted Suzie that she end up crashing into a divider. Munir who saw our indifferent reaction to the sms told us that we're not really reliable friends. Hehe, a little scratch was not too big of a deal plus to run to PJ for that was .... errrr, well, you got my drift. But she was okay, Nell is a big macho girl (despite her size) so me and Suzie have faith she was ok.

I got home to my mom who actually waited for me since her 12 misscalls were unanswered due to some guilt and battery problems (excuses excuses). Being me, I just end up chatting with her. I used my charms, once awhile.

Saturday, I joined the KLickr gang for our 26th meet-up. Parked the car at KL Sentral, ridiculously massive queue at the monorail station, managed to buy tickets and made my way to Raja Chulan station. Upon faith and information telling that its "near", I walked from the station to KL Tower, and upon missing the shuttle bus stop, I hiked up the hills towards the tower. When I got to the table, I was practically drenched in sweats (as told by careyfeekey). Well, drenched or not, Adi, Inaz, Shafina and Khairy were amused by my effort walking all the way. We were joined by a new member, Intan Aizura, left Adi and Inaz then head down to the Bukit Nanas Forest Reserve. Being the caviar to all the mosquitoes that afternoon, we took some photos, walked through most of the trails and at the end of the walk, while heading back to the entrance, I almost bumped into a quiet monkey. All three of them laughed at me as I was basically flabbergasted (wow, using this word for the first time make me feel smart, not!). Intan left us and stayed at the Tower while me, Shafina and Khairy went down to Menara Weld to meet Mizi and had our late lunch there. Mizi who just got back from Bangsar, showed pictures of the talented Kokokaina who performed at the Bijiou Bazaar @ Jeumpa D'ramo. (Kokokaina is a very talented Malaysian singer/songwriter who just got signed by Jack Johnson, woohoo for kokokaina!).

The four of us head down Jalan Raja Chulan, and passed by Changkat Raja Chulan where we stopped by the row of torn-down buildings opposite a Shell station. Me and Shafina personally wanted to go there and we got some good shots. We head back to KL Tower and Mizi dropped me of at the Bukit Nanas monorail station before they continue the meet-up at Kopitiam at Yap Kwan Seng.

Me, rushing through the crowds, going back to my car at Jalan Tun Sambanthan, driving back just in time to take my shower and get ready for Dila's wedding. Dila is my friend since I studied in UiTM Melaka. Grabbing the opportunity to wear my mom's kebaya which is 31 years old, I rushed to PJ Hilton, where the wedding was held. Met with Naddy (who is single for the night since her husband was in Singapore for the weekend) and Lela (whom I haven't met for ages). We didn't manage to take pictures with Dila and Jazlin (her bridesmaid - wait, why didn't I want to take pictures with Dila and her husband? haha, biased!) but we did enjoy Zach's surprise for Dila, which was Faizal Tahir coming out to sing 3 songs, including my favourite, "Kasih Tercipta". After the wedding, we were among the first to wish congratulations to the newly-weds and rush off (Lela back to work, Naddy to supper with sisters and me to partey!!!!).

First, I made a whole wide world turn from PJ to Setiawangsa (what a stupidly funny mistake), fetched Sis and both of us got to Alexis just in time for the second set. It was great to meet Vanidah Imran there, we got to catch up on our movie talks during the break before the second set started. A newbie to Facebook, Vee practically asked the husband to be her online manager, becos she haven't learn her way through it yet. Atilia was superb, by the way, announcing her new Blackberry to everyone. Apparently, she's berry berry happy. Haha. We stayed out till late and goofed around as always having the funny sis around. We got to the parking at 2.30am and found out the guard has locked the basement parking. Sis kept on pushing the horns trying to call for the guards, until Emi went up to asked Fizar to talk to the security to let us out. I believe this is the consequences of those funny stunts we pulled the night before. After sending Sis, I got back home, not feeling sleepy yet, end up washing 2 pail of clothes having my washing machine broken. Slept at 5.30am.

Sunday, woke up earlier to do more washing. Made my way to meet the girls at Midvalley. It has been awhile and this time, I tried my best to meet them and I did! Yeay for Abby! Found them at Coffee Bean, had some funny chats about some funny stuff. Discovered someone's none-innocent knowledge, haha. And Lilia suggested that we went to the Arcade. Oh my god, we're like a bunch of giddy screamy school girls who actually had fun playing at the Arcade. At that moment, I totally forgot we're 26 (well, I didn't forget, I'm not 26 yet, haha). I had the most laugh since ..... quite sometime. After bidding Lia and Tazz bye byes, Tina dropped me off at Jalan Travers as I walked up to the office and had my quiet 4 hours of me + internet + facebook time. That was fun. Mizi who was online suddenly asked me to join him for a drink, and so I went to and enjoyed my Vanilla Coke with him for about 2 hours before I head home.

I slept in early, around 10.30pm. The earliest since the past few weeks.

Tiring and fun weekend. And I couldn't be happier.

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Sunday, April 27, 2008

life is ... part chance and part choice

currently, I'm quite happy with how I live my life.

I can choose when I'm gonna be a lazy dumbass pig-cow couch potato and not take my shower for 2 days straight, just tv, food and sleep.

I can choose to go out and roam the streets around Kuala Lumpur, shooting photographs of things and places people barely notice.

I can choose to let loose, party and get wasted (my scandinavian colleague would prefer the word "mabuk" becos she find it very poetic).

I can choose to lie down in bed and read books, take notes on the rumi poems and get lost in paulo coelho's life philosophy.

I am not obligated to cling on a certain boyfriend, trying to make him happy while having to put up with stupid annoying comments while having dinner or watching tv together.

I am not obligated to tag along just one friend 24/7 having to endure gossips and complaints as if the world just evolve around her only.

I am not obligated to find myself a guy just becos I'm some very dependent person who could not be a minute in singlehood, will die if there's no boyfriend or male bestfriend and always in need of "love and attention" from the male species.

I am not obligated to maintaining a certain impression, I can be carefree, funny, wacky, crazy and still be me, nothing to hide, nothing to lose. I don't have to pretend to be private and mysterious to gain certain charisma and character in life.

This weekend, I had the chance to let loose a little bit, and most of all, catch up on fragile bonds I have with some old friends. I met a very old friend for drinks late Friday night, I spent two-nights with crazily loving people surrounded by the jazzy tender loving care, I walked back to nature and had a tiring but fun photowalk, I went to an old friend's wedding and having fun like those days of ciggie and coffee during college, and most of all, at the end of it, me and my mrsm girls went to play at the arcade at Midvalley and screamed like a bunch of little schoolgirls (who we always end up being) and felt so nice hugging them and catching up with them amidst the fast pace of my life these days.

life is part chance and part choice.

we are given chances and we can choose to either take them or not.

I was given a chance to rekindle some lose ends, and to loosen some tight grips.

I chose to take those chances and it was a good decision.

I was given the chance to watch live performances by 3 great singers, Atilia, Bob and Faizal Tahir during the weekend.

Its Sunday afternoon and I chose to be at the office writing this (not working obviously). But its okay. I chose to be were I am right now.

My chances and choices, given and taken.

Friday, April 25, 2008

melutut di muka bumi

Pagi ini, saya berbicara dengan seorang rakan yang sudah mengikuti perkembangan dan membaca tulisan-tulisan di blog saya. Agak terharu apabila beliau bertanyakan bagaimana saya boleh menulis mengenai keindahan bulan sehinggakan dapat beliau rasai keindahan bulan melalui karya saya. Sesungguhnya kebolehan menulis secara profesional terbukti jauh lagi untuk saya gapai namun mendengar beberapa komentar sokongan dari mereka yang tidak saya kenali secara peribadi membuatkan hati ini membara dengan semangat baru.

Saya memberitahu beliau, kebanyakan tulisan saya datang secara jujur dari hati, dan jika kita dapat mengelakkan minda kita daripada tekanan formaliti dan kemahuan untuk membuat yang terbaik, tetapi hanya secara mudah menulis apa yang kita rasa, itulah hasilnya. Mungkin tidak layak untuk dijual ke mana-mana majalah cetak atau dibukukan, tetapi cukup untuk meluahkan rasa hati, difahami oleh masyarakat umum dan menyentuh hati mereka yang sememangnya melalui situasi yang sama.

Perbicaraan virtual ini mengingatkan saya kepada perbualan emel saya dengan seorang rakan dari Prague. Kami berbicara mengenai apakah yang kami ingin capai di dalam kehidupan, dan saya berkata padanya bahawa, saya ingin menjadi seorang humanitarian yang dapat membantu manusia sejagat mengikut kudrat saya. Dan setelah empat tahun menulis blog, sedikit sebanyak, saya dapat rasakan, dengan berkongsi luahan hati melalui penulisan, sedikit sebanyak saya dapat membantu mereka yang sering berfikir mereka keseorangan di dalam sesuatu situasi, walhal sebenarnya tidak. terutamanya di dalam masyarakat Malaysia, atau Melayu secara khususnya, kita jarang berkongsi perasaan atau masalah, takut diadili dan dihakimi. Malah, sebagaimana tinggi budaya Barat yang kita junjung, kita masih malu dan segan mahu mengakui kita ada menghadiri sesi kaunseling bersama ahli psikologi. Kita tidak mahu dilihat lemah untuk menghadapi masalah dan perlu mendapat bantuan.

Seorang sahabat berkata, sekiranya saya bukukan tulisan-tulisan saya, pasti beliau akan membelinya. Saya agak terharu dengan pengakuan tersebut. Saya sendiri sering digelumangi perasaan seolah saya tidak cukup bagus lagi, masih banyak yang perlu saya perbaiki sekiranya saya ingin bukukan hasil penulisan saya. Kadangkala saya rasa segan menggelar diri sebagai penulis kerana saya tahu, mutu dan kualiti tulisan saya semakin merundum. Pasti tidak menguntungkan mana-mana syarikat percetakan dan akan menjadi lauk bagi pengkritik-pengkritik buku di luar sana. Namun, berlandaskan jujur dengan perasaan hati, saya tetap mahu menulis dan menulis, berkongsi dan meluahkan apa yang bukan saya sahaja yang rasai atau alami, malah segelintir jika tidak kebanyakan mereka di luar sana.

Saya menulis di dalam Bahasa Melayu pada hari ini kerana saya pesan kepada rakan yang saya bual pagi tadi, jika tidak boleh berbahasa Inggeris, tulis sahaja di dalam Bahasa Melayu. Tidak kisah apa sahaja penggunaan bahasa yang dipilih, asalkan datangnya dari hati yang ikhlas, itu sudah mencukupi. Kita bukan ingin menjual tulisan kita atau mahu dijadikan buku teks bagi pelajar sekolah. Kita cuma mahu berkongsi. Saya sedar Bahasa Melayu saya agak rapuh dan mungkin, ini sahajalah cara untuk saya memuatkan kelucuan di dalam penulisan saya, kerana ada pernah seorang rakan berkata, membaca saya menulis Bahasa Melayu sungguh melucukan.

Baguslah. Sukar sungguh untuk menghasilkan karya yang lucu di musim hujan ini.

Friday, April 11, 2008

nasi lemak

lately I have been having this cravings for nasi lemak. and its not for those nasi lemak nicely packed in brown papers or banana leaves or newspapers. I want a plate of nasi lemak where I can see the sambal, the telur, both boiled and fried and the timun at the sides and all. (thanks to che din who posted a nasi lemak picture on his flickr the other day).

yesterday morning, I was so hungry (due to not having dinner and vomiting before I slept and when I woke up). but as I drove to work, a couple of nasi lemak stall were in sight. however I was rushing trying to get into the office early becos of the recent "time keeping" memo my director sent me, I was determined to come in the office by 9 (not, I got in at 9.37am).

everyday I park my car downtown jalan tun sambanthan. in the dodgiest place ever. I heard a lot of people got mugged there and I, too, was once stalked by a guy who purposedly wandered around my car waiting for me to step down from the car. but downtown jalan tun sambanthan was the only cheap parking available around klsentral area and recently knowing that I can spot parking places where I need not pay is much more better. so, everyday as I walk/hike up to my office which is approximately 800m (believe me, I know so, I used to do long-distance running in school), I would pass by some small food stalls along the way but due to rushing and always having breakfast at home, I never had the reason to stopped at these stalls.

today I did. I wanted the nasi lemak badly and its already friday. I stepped into the stall. the guy was very friendly. "makan, bungkus?" .. "bungkus". he scooped the nasi into the polistrine and hand it over to me. I took all the lauk that I previous imagined about. a normal nasi lemak. with eggs, both boiled and fried. as I was paying, he sparked up a conversation with me.

Nasi Lemak Guy: Adik kerja mana?

Nasi Lemak Craver: Owh, saya kerja dekat Plaza Sentral atas tu.

Nasi Lemak Guy: Bangunan baru ke lama?

Nasi Lemak Craver: Yang sebelah MIDA tu.

Nasi Lemak Guy: Oooo, baru je kan kerja situ? Selalu gak abang nampak adik lalu sini.

Nasi Lemak Craver: *gulp* Errr, saya dah kerja kat sini dari Disember lagi. Memang parking sini. Atas sana mahal lah.

Nasi Lemak Guy: Yelah, sehari 30 ringgit kan. Tapi memang selalu nampak awak jalan sini.

Nasi Lemak Craver: *blush* Tu la. Selalu lalu sini tapi hari ni teringin sangat nak nasi lemak. Okaylah bang, terima kasih ya. Jalan dulu.

Nasi Lemak Guy: Sama-sama. Bye.


Its kind of embarrassing to know that some people have kept an eye on you. Embarrassing, freaky yet, flattering at some point. I for one am known for walking so fast not noticing the people around me, especially when I stuff the MP3 headphone to my ears.

But somehow rather, I felt good. To actually be part of the life that I walk in day by day. To interact with abang jual nasi lemak, aunty cleaner, coffee lady, the cobbler by the sidewalk and those parking attendants. I always have little chats with them whenever I can, so I feel belong in the society I claim my local community.

This just make me misses my kampung very very much. Do you know that the Chinese aunties in Guchil, Kelantan speaks fluent Kelantanese dialect and the Chinese uncles in Parit, Perak would have the coolest "keme orang peghok" dialect ever!!! And owh, the paddy fields.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

time

we all need time. time to heal. time to cope. time to remember.

had some time with people from work last night. a little bit too much to drink, however managed to engaged in some interesting conversations. danced a little with strangers. wasn't at my good state. but, somehow, i let loose for awhile. i think i practically hugged everyone and became ... yeah, "extra nice" me. as i wrote this down, i'm still dealing with dizzying headache.

I was absent in some people's life. a phase we come about. space to venture and explore out. a tiny bit of arrogance consume a small part of this little heart and simple mind. it took a hangover to realise things back in perspective. availability. as i was discussing with an old friend sometime back. we keep to whats available in front of us. family. friends. people. i love the mee rebus in the corner in pekan sungai besi. it might be one of the best mee rebus i've ever tasted despite the dodginess of the stall. but its not within my reach. i can make effort to go there. but ... inavailability of time, means and effort does not let me. i still adore the mee rebus tho. i hope the makcik still remembers me. and i hope the stall is not shut down yet. maybe this weekend. hopefully.

ignorant. thats the right word for me. i shall no longer make excuses. if ignorant i've been, ignorance i shall admit to. honestly. and bluntly.

blunt. someone taught me that. someone who has been haunting my dreams lately. someone who i gave a faithful friendship wholeheartedly, who dismissed me easily. becos i am no one at the end of the day. and so, i took my time. i make myself busy. with changes. with plans. with projects. i might not be pretty. i might not be smart. i might not be a star. i might not be an actress. i might not be a writer. i might not be a photographer. i might not be someone who would capture the attention within seconds. boo hoo for that someone. never boo hoo for me. becos by destiny we met, and by fate we came apart. and i'm most glad. it led me to other people. who gives me hugs. who whack my head when my sarcasm gets on their nerves. who says in the most subtle way that they don't like it but they know i meant no harm. those who gives me spaces. but also succumb to my need for affection.

time is all i need. and time is what we have. i wrote a small poem about time which was based from a small excerpt of the old testament that Paulo Coelho included in his "Eleven Minutes" book. I forgot my version of the "time" poem becos it was written in the "Eleven Minutes" book i gave to that someone who step out of my life. but let me share the excerpt which was written in "Eleven Minutes".

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;
a time of war, and a time of peace.

i'll find time. don't worry. spiritually, i do remember. a cosmically, i do care for all.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

to be in love

i walk to my car from the office. drizzling rain poured on top of my head. I smiled while humming to “Bengawan Solo”. Keroncong was my tune, and my happiness flows like the river of love. coming to terms whats to heart and what to not. i heart those who kept on giving me the best creative energy i can get. they feed me endlessly. they hug me. they care. like a keroncong tune. it goes up and down like waves.

since i haven’t managed to post my final days of jakarta trip, i’d like to share what i wrote as a conclusion.

“this journey has been nothing but exciting new discoveries and self appreciation. we breathed jazz and washed our eyes with reality. found new perspectives, firming existing beliefs.

engaging conversations with taksi drivers, security guards and hawkers. one thing i embraced myself to be. ADAPTABLE.

you don’t search sense of belonging if you learn to provide others with it. and finding home is about accommodating others with the warmth of hospitality. i always knew i have this. and i thank my parents fully for raising me in ways that my mind learns how to adapt to new situations and new people.

being in jakarta, i learned that home is my heart that i took everywhere i go.

there i was standing alone dancing like a mad woman to the sound of D’Sound, in the middle of strangers, without my friends, I was at home, smiling, dancing, carefree.

sense of belonging. home. maybe thats what people fail to see and found complexity.”