in obtaining happyness

Obtaining Happyness. What does it means to you and how do you get it?

Spending the day exclusively with certain people. Such as. Temaning sis in her office and those chats in the car. Heart-opening and Cab-riding with Oya. Funnily chatting with Alin. Sms or call updates with Salmi. Lepaking with Junaidah in her room, enjoying her cute company. Sunday pillow talk with Fynaz. Drinks with Mizie. Office-escapes with Lilia. Impromptu all-day hangout with Nana. Teasing BF in front of Yana. Libran bonding with qonfuzed Nell. Skyping with Yongie. Trippin' everywhere with Muid. Hugging and harmless flirting with Prakash. Photo-outing and discussion with Shaf and Kukin. Sarcastically bitching and work updates with Fozzy. A lot more. Nonetheless exclusively special in their own way.

Smoking with friends during teh-tariking, while laughing to dirty jokes.

Hugging and kissing my parents. Hugging and kissing my siblings. Loving my siblings. Taking care and protecting them from demons who will hurt them.

Hugging and kissing friends. Not fake kisses that doesn't touch the cheeks. but kissing them as you would kiss your own sons and daughters. Genuine affectionate kisses on the cheeks.

Watching your friends make the most humiliating acts without a care in the world. and loving them for not being fake. loving them for being as goofy as they wanted to be but still be mature and wise afterwards. letting loose but in control. not worrying so much how others would perceive them becos they only care about what those who loves them see.

Giving sense of belonging to those who offers the same. I have given sense of belonging to some people who just needs them badly and doesn't desire to give them away thinking its theirs to start with. They thought if they give sense of belonging to others, it will weaken them and make them belong to the other person and yet they try hard to get sense of belonging from others. At the end of the day, they have the right to simply dump those sense of belonging becos they didn't give theirs so its okay to dump the ones given to them. I hope someday, they can accommodate others when others freewillingly accommodate them in their hearts.

little things. little smiles. little gestures. little time taken to say "I love you" and "I miss you". little "hello sunshine!". little "hellooo, awak di mana kah?". little act of vulnerability to say "Im sorry".

Not loving anyone less than they deserve. when someone says they love you and genuinely mean it, don't crush their heart. I know some people who does that. They don't only crush but jumped about on the pieces of the broken heart. But those people don't really care becos on their defense, they have suffered worst. Maybe its a Pay It Forward method used by them. Someone hurt me, I shall hurt 3 more people the same way I've been hurt. More or less like that. If you can't love them enough, be brave about it. Say, "I care for you so much but I can't love you". Love is never by force. Love must always be sincere.

Thinking of those who loves you. Your thought of them will delivers the good vibe around.

Getting scold when I am ignorant. I love my friends for doing that. The occasional "bongok!" and "stop it" is becos they care. Becos they don't want to love you a little less.

After dealing with some serious issues of friends dumping me and backstabbing me, I was funnily grateful but amused with myself when those people messaged me through yahoo messenger saying that I hurt them with my written words and they felt disgusted with my attitude. For the first time, it felt good to know that the person who backstabbed you is feeling the pain. And the person who is a whimp himself when he didn't say it to my face when I hurt him but went behind my back and complained to another person, told me that I need psychological help and therapy. God does have mercy on all right?

I have obtained happyness. I shall stop bitching about it now. Maybe once awhile to use as a muse to my writings, why not. At least I don't strip half naked to do so. Hahaha.

Pain is subjective. And Happyness can easily be obtained.

confession

(This Entry was originally written as a note in Facebook at 3am Thursday, 29th May 2008)

yes. I'm confessing. although I am still in denial.

earlier, I was hanging out with Oya, and I told her.

Abby: Oya, I'm gonna ask you something. And you mesti sepak I punya.

Oya: Apa dia?

Abby: Am I fat?

OKay. She almost did, and I know if it was someone else, I would surely have a whack on the head from behind. But yes, Oya loves me (still in denial mode).

I have been pretty disciplined lately. Waking up pretty early in the morning. Doing my stretches, sit-ups and since yesterday that I have found my dumbbell, lifting weights for my biceps. Pretty pretty satisfied with myself.

And since I have started to work out consistently (yeah, call three mornings consistent la for a slacker like me), I have developed very little appetite during the day, I barely eat, like seriously.

Today started as I stated, consistently disciplined. Sit-ups. Weights. Muskeler Abby. yada yada yada.

Then. I started slacking. Went to Istana Budaya during lunch hour to get my PRTM tickets (yeay!!!!). Sis sent back to the office. Sis tempted me to .... what was it, skiving? (I would pretty much prefer skinny dipping to be honest). Very tempted. But I was always the nice one in school you know. When I mean school, I mean University school, not high school. I was always the first person who gets the classroom keys, the ones who "volunteered" to be class monitor, who actively ask questions during open floor discussions, yada yada yada (eyh, tak caya tanya Fozzy!). So I didn't "skiving" (this is a new word to be, I don't know the past tense for it). I went back to the office. I slacked some more. Yes. I did. Anyone from the office reads this? Okay, I know if you do Ron, its between us ok! *wink* But on my defense, the Sinot application went kaput starting from 5pm. I really wanted to work you know.

ANYWAYS, yes, again at a later time, tempting offer to hang out at a friend's office. This time, I said yes because its after working hours because I'm still a good employee. (please bear in mind that I'm still in denial mode).

I went. After work. To bonding bonding la kot. Haha. Thanks sis for pizza and hospitality (this one honest, sebab tak sempat cakap thanks sebab credit phone takde nak sms but thats just a lame excuse hence the confession as a title). I bitched. Again. When I shouldn't bitch anymore. On my defense, its my outlet. But who am I kidding? Someone said I'm funny. Yes. I am funny. I kid you not.

Got home at 10pm and then, yes, cuci kereta. No shit, ... wait, thats wrong. I cuci kereta because of the bloody bird shits all over my car! Yes, the cheapskate me who refuses to pay RM4 per day for a parking which holds a good 400metres from my office building, just being so genius to park my car under a big tree and voluntarily placed it as the shitting hole for those birds. Yes, I AM THAT SMART. Well, since I was in my working attire (still), I didn't pull of a Jessica Simpson act while washing the car, but managed to drenched myself wet. Literally wet. Although I do wish it was the other meaning of wet. But whatever.

So! Went into my room. Dried myself while reading "The Time Traveler's Wife". Yes, a bookworm who took a whole year to finish a guddam book. Well, on my defense, my first copy was left by the smart ass me, by the pillow in the room at Kampung Tok Senik Resort Langkawi last May (note, last May was in 2007, and note, I'm still in denial mode).

I dozed off for a good 5 minutes. Woke up. Yes, I cooked. Yes, Abby can cook. I made spaghetti bolognese. I can actually cook la. Tak caya tanya Yana, she lived with me of 1 1/2 years. I told everyone I can't because I don't like people having certain expectations on my cooking. Yes, its better to say you're stupid than having people judge your intelligence and rate it. (I'm still in denial, don't worry). Put on "27 Dresses" and ate the whole pot of spaghetti bolognese I made, at 1am. Yes. What dieting-working-out-health

y-living rule is that?

So there it is. My confession. Yes. Mine. I don't deny that I need to confess.

Wait, what was it that I'm confessing anyway?

Of the Record:-
Was upset to not had the means to go watch Melissa Indot's performance at No Black Tie. But had fun lepaking with sis. Woke up late. Got in the office late. Body aching from I don't know what. AM VERY VERY EXCITED TO WATCH P.RAMLEE THE MUSICAL SEASON 2 for its Opening Night tonight! And meeting a fellow hug-a-holic! Yeay! I love love love my friends. Yes, and my family as well! Yongie, don't get stoned in the Opium Farm in Chiang Mai! Loving life, everything and happy to know, it is better than .... hahahahaha .... I'm a Bitch Yo!

Lovely

I am very very happy. Its Tuesday and I'm already very very happy. Yesterday was a good start, I think I posted about it. Despite my shoulders and legs aching, I was seriously motivated with my *cough* 10 sit-ups. But thats beside the point. I woke up early and thanks to mama who's on leave for the whole week, I got to go to work kissing her cheeks. It has been awhile doing that. I should reconsider on moving out I guess.

Yes, the moving out part. I was planning to move out and rent out on my own starting November. Friends have different views on this. Some would celebrate my having my own place becos, yes, despite everything else, I will always end up being the designated driver, or the place where everyone crashes. I am very much homely. I know so. People would think that when I get my own place, I will most certainly be a party animal. But it was proven, I won't. I will always have sleepovers and tv marathons at my place, anything to keep me on the couch, "preferably" with loved ones. I am the kind of person who would order pizza, watch movie marathons at home with lots of vanilla coke and end up snuggling close to someone under my comforter.

Another view is that, why throw away such convenience, of having to freeload of my parents? Well, of course it is very much comfortable and practical. Living with the parents. Pigging out the fridge. Not washing my own dishes since there's the maid to do it. And lying down on the nice comfy sofa and enjoying the flat LCD screen TV without care in the world. I shall not talk about laundry since the past month, the washing machine is broken and I have been hand-washing my own clothes (its for pumping my hand muscles, yes. It is) aside from sending some to the dry-cleaners. I have considered living by my own since I was 14, thrown to the boarding school, then when I did my diploma, then when I did my degree. I love living on my own, paying my own bills, buying things for home, *cough* cooking. Hey, I did cook ok! Hahaha. I remembered back in Shah Alam, my house is the smoking parlor for my friends in between classes. Not to mention napping place. I guess, I should have just made spare keys for them, haha. Yes, I am THAT accommodating! I have become one of the laziest person I know since I moved back living with my folks. Of course I enjoy my nightly hugs and kisses with my BIG baby brother (13 is still a baby!) and my frequent conversations with my teenager sister. Of course I enjoy those little conversations I have with my dad. And sometimes, having to lie down on my mom's lap. I am very much pampered with touches.

But yeah, in September, I'll be 26. Progression is needed. Maybe as accused of immaturity, I might not be of the "mature" standards some people have put out there. But still. Maturity lies in knowing whats wrong and whats right. Being wise lies in choosing what's right over what's wrong. Of course, choosing to "disrespect" and "backstab" friends is considered "wise" and "mature" by some people. I won't even go there, if not I will be bombarded with some unexpected Y!M messages. Hahaha.

Anyways, I was talking about how wonderful today was. I started the day nicely, bathing at 6.15am *bbrrrrrr* and having to get blessings from the AlMighty early in the morning is refreshing.

And yes, 20 SIT-UPS TODAY!!! With some stretches and muscle straining exercises for my abs! Nell asked me, why this sudden need for exercising. It just feels good. Back in 1998, I used to do 200 sit-ups per day on average until 2000. I used to have a 4-pack abs. So, I need to go back there. And being disciplined somehow takes me back to my old self. Yes, thanks to my "kaput"ed lappie, I have now gone back to reading myself to bed routine.

Now, let me share you my pride and joy, Viewed for 137 times on Flickr with 9 people choosing it to be among their Favourite picture, This is my version of Serene Surrender. Taken by Han Ghazi at the swimming pool at her condo, who initially came up with the creative concept, and freestyling pose and multi-exposure editing done by me.

I tell you this.
I have nothing more to hide.
and Nothing else to lose.

I tell you this.
I give you all that I have.
Faith, Trust and Honesty.

with this I pledge.
my surrender.
in serenity.

Serene Surrender by Abby Latif

you don't have to put on the red light

I've always thought that "Roxanne" performed by George Michael in his album "Songs from the Last Century" only can be found in live performance versions. Last Friday night, I was heavily YouTubing everything and came across with the videoclip and I understand why it wasn't widely publicised. Well expected from George Michael though, but being a fan of him, I immediately like the videoclip very much and would like to share it with you guys.



Last weekend was very eventful for me. A row with my bro and a good comeback. Guess that happens with everyone and when your brother is your bestfriend, it seems more difficult when you're apart. Some quality time with friends, a little with family, outing with my siblings and last night, me and Muid went to that fish spa in Kenko located in Midvalley. It was pretty relaxing and I felt good. Ticklish at first, I was giggling like an ..... Abby. Heh. (who else would I giggle like anyways?).

What I like about yesterday is that I was dancing again. It was raining in the afternoon, I blasted off George Michael's Ladies & Gentlemen CD2 and danced to "Outside", "Fast Love" and "Too Funky". I was sweating like crazy and I love living in the moment, me alone, dancing in the room. It has been awhile since I danced alone in the room (mostly due to my messy room where I can't seem to find the bed, nor the floor).

After the whole night outing with Muid, we came home and watched Penelope, the latest Christina Ricci movie. A very nicely done modern fairytale but the most special message from the movie was that, curses that we got, could only be broken by our ownself.

Me, I've been cursed for being the least beautiful physically. I have been cursed like hell by boys from my highschool, words like "muka macam pantat", "buruk macam babi", and other hurtful words, all through my senior years in high school. To make it worst, it was a boarding school so I practically grew up around being cursed by boys. Who I've grew up to be now, was mostly done by myself. Breaking out from inferiority complex, thinking I was THE most ugly girl that guys find disgusted to be with and all.

I broken the curse. Today, I find guys as secondary items. I don't cry on their shoulders and I don't need a guy to survive. I have different opinions on them and I judge them like hell. Because I am no longer at their mercy. I have once, being told by a former fling when we had a little argument, saying that "Listen here woman, you should be thankful enough you have me liking you, you think its easy for a girl to find someone these days?". Thanked god I didn't end up with him.

Today, I am free from all that. I am free to fall for anyone I want, Guys, or Girls even. And I'm not ashamed to admit that.

Like Penelope, I have loved the "pig" in me. And by loving that myself, I have broken the curse.

Love the person you are. When you finally fall in love with that, there's no one else who can question your ability to love.

hello. is it me you're smiling for?

Its quite funny that when I am broke (this is a frequent half month occasion), that I end up meeting friends every single night for drinks at mamak. I think out of 5 week nights, I would spend 3 nights going for drinks after work.

Tonight I had a great time with some friends at Oldtown Hartamas. Hugs, kisses, sarcastic jokes all around and most of all, love. There's this thing about being with friends that excite me so much. Sense of belonging that we offer each other. There was one thing that my friend Adi told me. "Abby, its Ur quirky behaviours that can make a total stranger feel comfortable with Ur company ... I think its a GiFt, ;-)". I kind of like the way he put it. Even though my sarcasm have drove a few away from me. At times of down, I think of what he says and I can smile for myself. What I always remember after I meet my friends, is the genuine hugs and kisses I share with them. I once had a friend told me, she met a girl who gave her 'fake kisses' when she greeted her. I ask my friend, what is "fake kisses", and she replied, "those that looks like a kiss but does not touch the cheeks". Being an affectionate person, maybe its just me, but I really find it true, fake kisses shows how much you don't like to embrace someone else's goodvibe that they are offering.

The definitions of friends have become somewhat very sacred to me. I'm taking time to attend to most of them knowing I have no other 'clingy' commitments that require my attention.

Anyways, I went to my sister's place and chatted with her while she piled up some nice clothes that she wanted to give me (yeay! - or I'm just too cheapskate to buy new ones). There's a new plan in mind that I would share later.

I got home, play dressing dressing with all my new given clothes and suddenly couldn't resist the temptation of being utterly vain and took self-portraits at 2am.

So this is it. Taken with my old rusty guitar (I haven't played for years!), my Java Jazz 2008 banner (you wouldn't believe we actually waited on the last night that they disassembled the stages and the banners and begged to take home a few!), my new haircut (okay, two weeks old haircut), my cdplayer playing Parkdrive's "Mengenang Cinta" (how romantic. not!) and stacks of my cds.

I snapped about 15 photos but I like this the most because I remembered the moment. I was actually singing the song in my heart and smiling for my lost-guitar skills. I have too short span of attention to actually strike a pose, eyh.

saya tanya ranting

saya tanya ranting. bila patah, masih kah kamu hidup?

ranting kata, walau patah, jatuh ke tanah, di pijak oleh semua, jiwa tidak akan mati.

saya tanya ranting. jika jiwa ada lubang, masih kah seseorang makhluk itu hidup?

ranting kata, walau berlubang, masih ada jiwa yang boleh dipegang, digunapakai, tidak akan mati.

saya tanya ranting. suka tak kasut hijau saya?

ranting kata, suka, tapi jangan pijak dia.

saya tanya ranting. kenapa?

ranting kata, kita sudah kawan. kenapa mahu pijak kawan?

saya kata pada ranting. ranting ada jiwa. walaupun patah terpisah dari dahan pohon. ranting beri sedikit kesedaran. yang kurang dijumpai di dalam makhluk bernama manusia, yang jiwanya penuh tidak berlubang. saya mungkin tidak akan alihkan ranting. takdirnya jatuh di situ, ujian Tuhan menunggu apa yang akan berlaku padanya di situ. tetapi saya tidak akan pijak ranting. kerana ranting adalah kawan. kawan tidak pijak kawan.

its not about fitting in the shoe

Once upon a time, in a land where taboo issues are practiced widely and people are in denial to meet the demands of society, lived a little girl.

Alone in an empty house, she sits and ponders daily. Waiting for nothing to happen. Listening when no one is talking. Talking when no one is listening.

Everyday she took a walk outside. Brushing shoulders with strangers who meant nothing to her. She smiles when necessary, and frowns when weird funny thoughts invaded her mind.

Every night before she goes to bed, she sits on the edge of her big bed and thought of nothing. And before she doze off to sleep, she stares blankly to the ceiling, listening to the lullaby the moon usually sings to her and thought of nothing.

One day, she decided to leave the empty house.

She decided to make a move.

But she left the right side of her shoe behind.

To remind her that she has not left what's ought to be left behind. To make her come back to the emptiness she's grown to love.

She came back after she left.

She came back with a smile.

sorting out

enough with emo posts eyh. hehehe, I know you guys are tired with it.

Weekends. woah.

My lappie went dead on me. boo hoo. not only the lcd monitor lid was broken, the whole system couldn't switch to a proper windows start, it went to this blue boot device command which is somewhat annoying. so, I resolved to using Muid's pc at home. Maybe I need a normal pc now. I don't need a laptop no more. That should keep me on the chair. Lets go ol' skool yo!

I went back to Parit on Saturday. First, lunch with my sister and her family in SS2, PJ. Yeah, I miss you terribly, you know that (and I know you are one of the stalking reader I have - among a few others. ahaks!). I'm beginning to love the roadtrips going back to kampung. I might be doing that often, going back to kampung. I'm beginning to appreciate the kampung atmosphere which awaits me. The old wooden house, the green landscape, the old shops. I enjoy kissing my baby cousin brother who is much taller than me, tussling my cousin's non-existing hair. It was my cousin Ijan's wedding ceremony and I felt deeply loved when Ijan hugged me and said, "Babe, aku ni muhrim kau tau. Aku boleh jadi wali kau. Sebab tu aku sayang kau" (Babe, I'm your Muhrim. I can be the person who gives you away on your wedding. Thats why I love you deeply). And I also love the fact that his wife loves me as he loves me. And she respects and understands his love for me. Ijan is a couple of years older than me, btw.

Sunday night, went to Pelita KLCC while waiting for Muid to finish work (which he didn't and I end up going back). Had some good bonding time with Nell, yeah, me, Nell, ciggies and drinks. Emo talk as always. Hahahaha. I got back around 12am, waited for Muid's que and went to pick him up at 4.30am. I pity him for having to work so hard and so late during holidays. Even as he got home, he just went to get a shower and changed and off back to KL Convention Centre at 6.30am to prepare for the big WCIT opening.

Monday, I finally have some time to clean up my room. Yes, to the extend of wiping clean my ceiling fan and windows with Dettol. Not to mentioned, as I was pulling of the curtains, I forgot to switch off my fan and practically hit my middle finger with it. Talk about accident prone and irony. Hehehe. Well, at least I got a big fat middle finger to shove up people's face on the stupid damn road. Hahahaha....

There's lots of things plan ahead. I need to execute them properly.

being indifferent

Apparently these days, I have put myself in an indifferent mode most of the time.

I have become indifferent to a lot of things.

A friend told me, its common for me to feel indifferent noting my state of emotions right now.

I've lost a lot of desires to do things. As to writing and such.

But I know, at the end of the day, I haven't lose my sanity. Because of the love and concern I know people still have for me, those who doesn't stab me from the back, thats for sure.

I have done things I am not proud of. But I have also done some things people admire me for. And despite everything else, I am strong even though I sound vulnerable and weak.

I have told my friend recently, that I have always been judging relationships from an external point of view. And now that I was in one, I know for sure, I'm not made for relationships.

I never can take those crappy stupid things that comes with it.

I am not the kind of person who would end up in a clinging (don't-leave-me-alone-or-I'll-die-cos-I-have-ditch-all-of-my-friends-for-this) relationships.

I don't believe in people telling me "I love you so much, we can work this, we're meant to be together" because I know, the minute I say "I think we should end this", he will be the first one to strip off a naked lady and take pictures for the name of art in order to "get over it". Yes, thats the indication of "love" how it is dealt. I was in love, I know if you're so totally in love as you claim to be, you wouldn't start fucking anyone the minute you was released from the relationship.

I will end up prioritising my friends more than my boyfriend (or girlfriend, who knows, I'm keeping my options wide open these days).

I can never act like husband and wife going to functions together all the time before getting married to that person. I am that conservative. Only the akad nikah will bind me for good, if not, I'll be free as a bird and act single.

To conclude, I am not made for relationships as what guys would look for.

And that should also summarise my wanting to be indifferent. I have lack in desires for pursuing love.

But that does not justify the need for love. I am loved by my friends. I am loved by my family. I don't search high and low for sense of belonging.

Like I told my friend, I rather be everyone's than just someone's.

a little bit over the edge

I have been quiet and unproductive in terms of my writings. I have lost some magical touch of writing things since I wasn't really emotionally stable.

Negativity consumed the inner soul and I found a hole in this sweet strong soul I once claimed one of my strongest priceless possessions.

I can't deny I have been missing someone, or something I had, terribly. Its a good thing that my lappie died on me, so I wouldn't be that stupid silly bastard going through all those lame lame text messaged I've successfully archived in my document.

I watched Cinema Paradiso earlier, the original copy a friend bought for me from California. And for the first time, I watched it with subtitles. I've watched the movie over a couple of times without subtitles and even then, have adored it, cried like a sick baby watching the story. Today, of course crying again, but I've now understood parts of the movie better told through its words.

It has been awhile since I cried over a movie. And I guess most of the tears that ran down on my cheeks were those contained earlier since I have held them for quite sometime.

Today, I've also had the privilege to enjoy my Jamiroquai while driving with the windows down. It reminds me of how life used to be. Alone, clean from all these vices, dancing in my room carefree and nothing, nothing burdened this warm loving soul of mine.

Love is a shitty platform that make the strongest person at its most vulnerable state.

I don't regret love. I have love. I have love and love and love and have no regrets on love.

I just miss those happy moments. Those talks, conversations. Those kissing the hand while driving. Those clinging to the thumb and holding it for a few minutes that felt forever. Those biting of lips.

I also miss those mornings when I race with the moon. When I catch the sun rising. When I get calls and text messages. Maybe I miss being in love. When you're in love, everything feels great and you lose yourself in the depth of it.

Right now, I am currently happy. But there's some sense of longing. At the back of my mind, I wonder whether I have been missed.

One thing for certain, I am so glad, that I have cheated my ex by sleeping with someone else when we were together. Was I proud of it? No. Did I felt guilty? No. But at least, I don't feel bad. And most of all, I was glad. Did it justify everything that happens, in some sense, it did.

Life is like .... a roll of toilet paper, a superior colleague once said. Thats a technical person's point of view.

I guess Life is like ... a notebook. Some like it with lines, some wants it blank. We fill it with what we want to fill it with. Some can afford a moleskin, others can only manage to buy those locally made "monologue". But at the end of the day, we flip back to those earlier pages to see what we have written, how different our handwritings were when we were on a rush, when we write standing and the doodles we made when we were bored.

I found a hole in my soul.

I lost in the abyss of that hole.

I hope to find something beautiful in the depth of the abyss.

So here I am. Bitching about those who broke my heart like a silly little baby, blaming them for my nonreciprocating love.

What gives.

Who the f*cking hell cares.

I'm only a bitter bitch to you.

Because of the hole you dug into.

From the love I once gave to you.

what do you do when ......

today, was a pretty tiring day for me.

you got my first bit in the earlier post. around 5.30pm, I got a call from my friend who sounded so weak and was calling from the emergency ward in Hospital Pantai, Bangsar. she needed help for someone to fetch her and take her home becos she don't think she can drive in that condition. I quickly said yes, knowing I was within the closest range, packed my stuff and left the office a bit earlier. I guess thats what you do when you got emergency calls especially the ones that was made from a hospital's emergency ward. it was my first time being there and my first time gave me the privilege to actually park my car at the porch of the emergency ward, where only ambulances can enter. hehe. thats how you do your first times, people. do it with the utmost style and honour! anyways, got to her, waited for the nurse to arrange her discharge and sent her home, which was somewhere alongside jalan kuching (not too far from Bangsar). i had the chance to meet her baby daughter whom I have been wanting to meet for months (since the last I met her. when was that? february?). now that she starts to have an itching biting gum, I let her bite my shoulders, nose and fingers.

next stop was bangsar. promised to meet some friends. made two stops, first to a friend who wanted to enjoy happy hour drinks, and next to a group of friends who wanted to enjoy, plain happy hours with friends.

by 9.15pm, I was out of bangsar, heading to damansara specialist to visit a friend who had been admitted since afternoon for dengue. met some people I misses so damn lot, who I managed to catch up with, and also among the people, I pretty much don't want to meet in my world right now.

so ..... what do you do when it happened?

try to get distracted by other things. try to convey respect and courtesy to my sick friend and receive their "friendly" gesture of a handshake even you hand out your handshake unwantingly (is there even such a word? so ... shoot me).

some people are meant to be together, thats fate.

some people believe on not to date their friend's ex-boyfriend, thats unwritten rule of friendship.

some people sleep with other people when they are seeing someone else, thats an excuse to say they don't really love their respective partners.

some people need not explain what they do and lead people to false assumptions, thats "privacy".

some people tell the person who loves them the most, about the joys of loving other people, thats "lending an ear".

some people falls in love, do everything they can, and watch the person they love falls for someone else, thats stupid.

some people walks away from a friendship because they don't like their new friends to be sarcastically condemned by their old friends, thats "estimated lifetime of a friendship".

some people goes home, bitch about it for a good 3 hours to everyone who's available, distract herself by calling friends to practice proper Bahasa Melayu, cooked a big breakfast and eat it for supper, suddenly felt guilty for housing such negative vibe in her heart, ends up washing clothes at 2am in the morning because the washing machine is broken, then write all these things down, thats me.

sense that doesn't come commonly these days

I was awaken by the sound of my handphone this morning. An incoming message.

"Mornin sis..its ___..i hv smthin 2 share wit u..i hvnt tell a soul yet.."

after tossing, turning, being annoyed to be interrupted, with my morning voice and half-closed eyes, I grabbed my line phone and called her. a certain joy felt from the other end of the line and she bursted out "I've met my soulmate!!! He just proposed and we're getting married!!! Will you come???"

flattered, honoured and a proud *cough* sister, with my half asleep, half awaken voice, I congratulated her. Reason she told me was that she needed some sense for this overnight decision and she know she can get it out from me.

sense. sense is not a common thing these days. who, in this fast-developing life, is sensible enough?

I have had a funny and weird couple of months. I've encountered people who doesn't really respect the friendship they have, who doesn't really appreciate the exclusivity of individual friendship they share. I broke up with my ex and have to see pictures of a former friend posing topless with a bareback towards the camera 2 weeks later in the name of art. I myself wouldn't care less about it, but I was just disturbed with the fact that being uploaded online for public to see, with a justification of "I need not explain myself" from the other party. I personally respect the friendship I had previously with both of them, but I just don't understand how wanting to be seclusive and private will lead to not respecting relationships you have, even if its just mere friendship.

sense and sensibility. I never read that book. The only Jane Austen I consume myself to is the teleseries back in the 90s, which had Colin Firth as the original Mr. Darcy.

Senses are the physiological methods of perception. The senses and their operation, classification, and theory are overlapping topics studied by a variety of fields, most notably neuroscience, cognitive psychology (or cognitive science), and philosophy of perception. The nervous system has a sensory system dedicated to each sense. (Source from Wikipedia)

Common sense (or, when used attributively as an adjective, commonsense, common-sense, or commonsensical), based on a strict construction of the term, consists of what people in common would agree on: that which they "sense" (in common) as their common natural understanding. The phrase is often used to refer to beliefs or propositions that — in their opinion — most people would consider prudent and of sound judgment, without dependence upon esoteric knowledge or study or research, but based upon what they see as knowledge held by people "in common". Thus "common sense" (in this view) equates to the knowledge and experience which most people allegedly have, or which the person using the term believes that they do or should have. (Source from Wikipedia)

This morning, I started work, and read a message from a loved one who was spilling his disappointment on some matters. Although those who caused this have been living happily with their lovely life, I know its sad to know that we kept on dwelling on this. But it just prove how much more humane we are compared to them. Me, myself, I am a person who respect my friends and the friendship I've built. Living a single life for so long, I've somewhat pledged myself to meeting the needs of my friends. I love them to bits and I respect everything I share with them. And I try my best to accommodate to their emotional needs rather than material. I don't ditch and fuck a one or two years old of friendship just for the reason of "what do you care, you have other friends right, you don't own me". Even with my hundreds of friends, I respect my exclusive individual friendship with all of them. Once trust has been developed, indirectly, you have made a commitment to be faithful and loyal to your friendship.

At the end of the day, people will see me as the single losing spinster who will always be confused and not find love.

But for me, I have everything I needed today. I have loved so much and I have more to give. I have faith from friends who love me for the person I was, the person I have become and the person I will be. I will always have hugs in store for me from friends, sincere kisses on my cheeks and trust and faith on my future. I have a family who supports me. I have a very conducive working environment that I beginning to love, a good job and most of all, good head on my shoulders and the best loving heart in my chest.

where's the sense in all of these? common sense is about being practical and realistic and thats me. its also about courtesy and respect and thats what I believe in.

where's the sense in love? sense in love is like opening your eyes when you kiss someone.

question is, do you always do that?

blogging again.

I haven't been blogging for damn long I don't know why. Today, as I was waiting for some friends for dinner, I noticed that I wrote something at the back of my notebook which I made in 2006. It was a little account of happenings when I went down to Kluang for my Physical Assessment Camp (PAC) for my PTD application. Wait, please correct me if I get that PAC's definition wrong. I hate acronyms and I never know whats the long terms to every short initials.

Anyways. Here's what I wrote today on my notebook.

Writing lame lame lame!
I'm just drained out. Drained out of the passion to write.

I have come to this conclusion.
When I talk a lot, I write less.
When I talk less, I write a lot.
When I have lots of friends, I talk a lot.
When I don't have a friend, I write a lot.

Conclusion?

I'm not a loner anymore.

And truth is

I miss being one.