The Cosmic Wise and Crappy Words

Friday, June 27, 2008

counting down eagerly

Its tomorrow and tomorrow it is!!!! Everyone kept asking me, how excited am I? Frankly, I am more excited for the abundance of friends who would be coming than having my works up for display. I've finished all the writings yesterday.

Owh, talk about yesterday. I got a bit giddy-school-girl. My brother has been telling me about his friend who's also working in Plaza Sentral but I haven't met him of course. So a few days back, he added me on Facebook with a message, "Were you the one wearing white shirt and blue jeans?". Good pick up line. One Plus Point. Hahaha. Of course I don't feel stalked, more like, flattered. So after a couple of messages on Facebook, we upgraded it to chat, via Facebook still. I read his profile (cos a girl needs to do her research too). He reads Paulo Coelho! TWO Plus Point. Chatted with him. Worked for a PR agency. Wahh, people skills confirmed. THREE plus point. Invited him to have a ciggie break. He said, please wait for him while he prays. Prays! FOUR Plus Point! We met for a fag, he digs my Gudang Garam. FIVE Plus Points! Within 3 days. Ahhhh, what more can a girl smile for? Did I mention that he's cute? SIX Plus Points!!!!

Okay, enough about that.

Anyways .......

We went to Ecazs Studio to print all the photos for the exhibition. I love hanging out at the office, Tai of course is cool as always and I got to play around with his D60. But because we had another meet at Kayu, Tesco but Muid had to have dinner with Tai, so I took the car and me and Shaf went to Kayu. Met Omar who initially suggested the meet up because he'll be leaving for London next week. Adi, Belanda and Mizie were already there but there were also some people from Photo Malaysia. We just lepak among those we kenal. Then Anna called me asking if she sempat join since she just finished her other meet up. She came in som 20 minutes later. Iskandar also joined. Then Halimi came to send Muid off. Syahrin and Hilmi came and finally, last but not least, Faris Abetam joined after his movie outing.

We had so much fun, laughing at Belanda's jokes, stories and adegan latahan, Anna taking pictures of the new hommiez in town a.k.a. Syahrin and Omar and its a normal, lengthy KLickr meet-up as usual. Might go wall climbing next week with Anna, if both of us are free. She needed kaki and I needed an experienced one to break the ice of wall climbing to me.

Got home around 1am (told mama this morning it was 12.30am, hehe), finished my writings and have them placed in the frames and went to bed at 3am.

This morning, I wrote a poem while on the bus to work.

I shall post that one when the time is right.

Right now, Abby is back to giddy mode. After work will be an expected tiring but fun time setting up the place with the guys at KLPAC. I love exhibitions and helping out my {dmp} crew!

Thursday, June 26, 2008

real happiness is not complicated at all

I am quite excited for the KLUE Urbanscapes. I know a lot of my friends are going to be there to give support. Oya, Emi, Gjie, Fynaz, Suzie, Yana, Faris, Nadiah, Nell, Ein, Dina, to name a few. So excited that the whole 12-hour event will not be tiring at all. Quite eager to get hugs and affection from everyone. Not to mentioned the KLickr gang as well. Am so proud of their Time Lapse project and Adi did a great job with the video compilation. Also Anna Rina, Erna Dyanty and Asyraf Lee on their personal photos under the KLUE 24-hour photo project. Great great bunch of loving people with undying support for each other. Who said having large amounts of friends is nuisance. Every single person must be treated as an exclusive individual friendship.

Am also planning to have some celebratory drinks after that (yelah, dah gaji kan). Am excited to record it on video for Nadi and planning to call her on the day. I don't know how the charges are going to be like calling to New York, but am so excited I couldn't care less (plus I just upgraded my plan to a postpaid plan, haha). Also excited to watch Mia Palencia and Kokokaina perform! Double adrenaline rush!!!

Ahhh .... what a life. Real happiness is indeed not complicated at all. I thank Muid so very much for the opportunity, love and support he have been given me. I truly love him dearly, especially him being so protective and caring for me of late. We've become each other's support system. I couldn't be more blessed for having him as my brother. Yongie, I love you too. And my parents. I know the riding bus to work is worrying them, mostly on the safety part. But I wanted to prove to myself that I am independent enough. Mama has been quite supportive and abah, quite tolerating. And I'm glad to be able to kiss and hug my little siblings every single day, especially my huge baby brother. Him biting my nose is what I look forward to every single day.

I am most glad to be surrounded by independent successful ladies. Those who doesn't need a boyfriend to go back to for every single issue that arises in their life. It made me strong to think that I'm facing life on my own. Well, behind every successful women is herself. I met Dr. Karina, Dr. Hartini and Dina Zaman over lunch the other day. Out of the blue, Dr. Karina asked me, how old am I. I told them, I'll be 26 in September. Immediately Dr. Hartini blurted out "Wow, such a young talent!". Compared to them, I am no talent at all. Dr. Hartini lived in the States for 20 years and have been doing charity works for homeless and runaway kids ever since. She helself adopted 2 gorgeous kids on her own. Dr. Karina is an editor and researcher for Malaysian AIDS Council and extremely educated in the field, she has just got her PhD. And Dina Zaman, where do I start? One of the most blunt, funny and friendly writer I've ever met. The most obvious relation we share, is our sarcasm and rants over guys. Hahahaha. I can't help but laughing out loud everytime I read her Facebook Notes. Dina often said to me, "like men, but love your job!". She inspires me to be more than I can be. These women work for the best of other people, and they love what they're doing. I remember, when I jumped into the NGO line, some friends told me, it was for me, this path. I live to serve others. Maybe I do. Maybe I don't need to be tied down and attached. I've seen too many of my friends who ditched all their friends away when they get into relationships and at the end of the day, broke up and left with nothing.

Successful Ladies. Hurm .... Not to mention, most of my personal friends. Who work day and night, but have fun in between. Most of them are single, available women who couldn't care less about scoring a man just to fit in society (well, we do have urges). But I noticed, for most of us, family and friends come first. Farah. Works like a dog but indirectly loving it. Still have fun here and there. And regardless how not so often we meet each other, our love for each other grows never the less. I have guy friends who are willing to console me, who hugs me, who shares affection with me.

Maybe to each their own. Maybe some people need only 2-3 people in their lives. Maybe only those 2-3 deemed to give them the sense of belonging they've been craving their whole lives. Maybe for them, the more secret and mystery they keep to themselves, the higher life values to them. I've met them, befriended them, and was ditched from their life. In some way, I understand them. In some other way, I see how we are actually not destined to be friends.

Real happiness is not complicated at all. Family and friends, thats what mattered most. The Lord said that every human being is a "khalifah", sent down by God. Khalifah is not to lead, but to guide each other. We hold out hands and walk together. Some prefer to not held out their hands. Some prefer to chose the most prettiest hands to hold. Maybe by their personal principle, the less hands to hold, the better. For me, I am just embracing what I'm sent down to be. Hold out my hands to everyone who's willing to take them, regardless, and walk through every obstacles in life, together.

Monday, June 23, 2008


Friday night, I tried the Waroeng Penyet at The Curve after some rave reviews about the place (I guess mostly because of the name). It was okayla. Me and Suzie had the penyet set and Muid had the Bakso. Mona ordered something which look rojak or pasembur but she said it didn't taste as good as the one she had in Jakarta. I shall take her word on that because she lived there for a whole year so most probably she has tasted the best one of that dish. Later we head to Borders for sis to get some books and to Laundry to drink our sorrows away. Well, we didn't because we don't have any sorrows. Hahaha. A bunch of successfully (or nearly successful) yuppies and sorrows, doesn't really rhyme well does it?

Well, sis shared a story that she heard from her mom that a lady nearly got attacked in her car but thanked god she didn't because once she got into the car, she quickly locked her door while the guys started to try to open her car door. That was freaky. I'm glad the lady is safe and it has been quite a paranoia everytime I enter my (now unused) car to quickly lock it even before I start to breathe in the car. All you ladies out there beware ok. Quickly enter your vehicle and lock all doors. Don't get busy putting in your things at the passenger seat or whatever. Butt In, Door Lock!

Saturday was a very lazy day for me. My whole family joined my sister and her family including her parents-in-law for lunch at the old Selangor Mansion in Jalan Masjid India.

Its pretty much a very old school sight, thanked god I had my camera with me. I think the place never left the 90s. My brother in law, a true mamak, ordered ducks (Egyptian ducks that can fly, as told by brother-in-law), birds and mutton and me, a true Malay, overdosed with all the heavy eating, got home and slept the entire afternoon. Woke up at 7pm and started to feel so drowsy. Managed to clean up before our first {dmp} meet-up at Bestari Hartamas for the upcoming Urbanscapes. Am so psyched with the new team, adding Faris, Fozy, Prakash, Nadirah and Venn to the existing Muid, Perez and myself. I am most psyched and excited for Nadi who will have her debut Malaysian exhibition through this while she's still in the Big Apple. Nadi babe, my faith in your talent is to the extend that one day, I'll see your pictures in your own solo exhibition in New York. This is what I call a true great photographer, and knowing Nadirah as a great friend, she'll be a pride to Malaysia one day. Anyways, I got to write 2 new writings for the exhibition there. Went back home, edited and scanned some pictures, upload them on Facebook and Flickr and slept at 4am.

I had a great photowalk last Sunday with a couple of friends. First, Shaf thought that a photowalk would be a great thing for the weekend, which ignited my senses and suggested Jalan Ipoh. Upon inviting some few others, I met Shafina early Sunday morning at Jalan Ipoh near Damai Medical Centre because both of us took the bus from our homes. We started walking there towards Chow Kitt then towards Jalan TAR before we decided to see how Asian Heritage Row looks like post Saturday night. It was pretty weird to see the empty street of clubs and pubs and funny to hear the loud boombastic songs coming from the only mamak restaurant there, Buharry (somewhat like Burberry eyh?).

We waited for the guys to join us and later we had Muid, Prakash and Ripi for lunch. Right after we continued walking back, Suzie joined us for her first photowalk with the KLickrs (well, at least a few KLickrs that is). We started to roam Jalan Dang Wangi, back to Jalan Sultan Ismail up until Bukit Bintang. Bumped into Kazzie and Ali and one of her South African friends at Sg Wang Plaza and then with Afiq and his sister at KL Plaza. We stopped by Starbucks Pavilion to rest our feet and chit chat before everyone took the monorail back to Medan Tuanku since the cars are parked at Jalan Doraisamy.

Kaki Series: group photo.

Walking from 9.30am until 6.30pm. Thats quite a long walk. Well, probably minus 3 hours at Buharry and 1.5 hours at Starbucks. But it was great fun and I can't wait to upload them photos. I got back, had a huge tiger prawn curry dinner and did some exercise with my 1.25kh dumbbell before I dive in bed. Slept pretty early.

This weekend, we shall toast to victory and the start to many new things. Am so happy lots of personal friends decided to come, and meeting lots of new friends as well.

Hilang 3. Dapat 30. Yang 3 ketul tu, biarlah mereka bertiga ketul sahaja. Ye, saya gila berkawan. At least saya tak ditch kawan saya, tipu mereka, lead them to false assumptions or go behind their backs. Sebab tu saya boleh achieve tambah 30 kawan. Hahahahaha. Yes, I'm vicious and a bitch. Who's not?

Behind the Scenes

Final Voted Casted are as below and a little insights is written to tell you why the picture was taken.

#21: A Forgotten Cindarella = 26 votes
KLickr Photowalk on 11th May 2008
This picture was taken at the former National Arts Gallery, beside the former Majestic Hotel opposite the KL Railway Station. The building is now abandoned but with a couple of guards securing the area. When I first saw this shoe, 'Cindarella' immediately comes to mind and I felt a sense of lost out of a sudden. Hence the photo. Taken during Mother's Day, 11th May 2008. I posted it once with a story here.

#16: Whatever Fits = 26 votes
whatever fits
This picture was taken at a row of abandoned shophouse near Changkat Bukit Bintang. There was a film crew at that time, shooting some gangster fight scene. I walked towards the side where they parked their cars and saw this door and smiled. The wall was full of greeny moss but the door was something else. Everything fits just fine. Taken during KLickr 25th Meet-Up photowalk on April 26th, 2008.

#07: Negaraku, Photographer Style = 16 votes
Flickr Walk - Kpg Hj Abdullah Hukum - 19082007
My first ever KLickr photowalk at Kampung Haji Abdullah Hukum on August 19th, 2007. This photo brings a lot of memories, not only for me, but for the nation as we were the last group of local photographers who took shots of the place before it got demolished. This photo is to accentuate the difference of development and preservation and the vital need for both. Farisa was right, the picture brings a sense of national pride. This was also the first photo where a friend complimented, saying "great observation and caption, you have the eyes to see picture.. one of the best shot that day. " .. Thanks kenmin for the words.

#10: A Sparkling Old = 15 votes
The Sparkling Old
This was taken on board the ferry to Langkawi in May 2007, my first company trip with Perdana Leadership Foundation. Just playing with my Digicam and thought its a nice shot. Guess the ocean mood fits the capture too. This was among the photos I exhibited for British Council's Pecha Kucha night last year.

#18: I'm Watching You = 14 votes
I'm watching you
A test on how my Digicam can play with depth of field and macro shots. This is my little sister and I was from the back of the Avanza. Her eyes was piercing and the picture turns out to be great (for me at least).

#08: Bridge to Wonders = 11 votes
Bridge to Wonders
This is a small bridge at the back of my Opah's house near the paddy field. We used to crossed this bridge everytime we went to play at the tali air near the paddy field. Taken during last Raya.

#03: In Drunkenness, I Can't See You = 9 votes
in drunkness, I can't see you
This photo was taken in 2006, a movie outing I had with my younger siblings in Midvalley. Which reminds me, I have to bring them out for another movie outing this weekend. My younger siblings are probably the only love of my life who will be with me until the day I die.

#22: Kawan saya, Si Ranting = 8 votes
KLickr Photowalk on 11th May 2008
Just a moment for my Timberland to meet a fellow branch. Story is here. And I personally think that the story for this photo is one of my strongest writings.

#06: Hold Me Mummy = 8 votes
hold me mummy
A blogger friend I known for a good 4 years, gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. And she asked me whether I could take some photos of her baby. I simply love the moment captured here. If you click on the picture, you'll find a poem I wrote for her.

#09: Sang Bulan = 7 votes
sang bulan
I was on my laptop, at my desk facing the window. I like my windows to be opened all the time. Suddenly I glanced up and saw the most beautiful sight and enjoyed the moment for a while. One of those moments that reminds me how deeply I was in love with the moon. You can click on the photo to read the story I written for it.

#24: A Sunset, A Momento = 7 votes
sunset. with my oldest bestfriend.
Driving with my oldest bestfriend for dinner, I saw the sun was about to set. She immediately drove as slow as she could once she saw me ready with my Digicam. Then there it was. A Capture. With a friend I've known since I was 10 years old. We spent the whole day together. And with the sunset, it ended just so perfect!

#05: The Moon Has Been Pushed Away = 6 votes
the moon have been pushed away
When I was working in Perdana Leadership Foundation is Putrajaya, one of my favourite routine is to stop anywhere I can when I saw a great sight of the sun, moon or clouds. This one, is a moment for all, sun, moon and cloud.

#11: Penantian = 6 votes
Flickr Walk - Kpg Hj Abdullah Hukum - 19082007
Another picture from the Kampung Haji Abdullah Hukum photowalk. This old lady is the granddaughter of Haji Abdullah Hukum, who opened the settlement. In her wheelchair, she shared stories of the late Haji Abdullah Hukum, how he came here and opened up the kampung. Somehow, she reminds me of all our grandmothers at home. Who stays at home and waits. For raya. At least.

#01: Feeling Morbid = 5 votes
feeling morbid
This so-called disturbing picture was an experiment I done while borrowing a friend's Nikon D40x SLR. I was tempted to do more than just this, probably with some real blood and bruises and dirt but I didn't want to overdo the whole concept. While being in the moment, I did feel morbid.

#02: A Farewell = 5 votes
a farewell
This is one of my favourite moment and probably will be the landmark to the concept I have for the cover of my book. Taken during those crazy stops in the middle of the road while going back from work in Putrajaya. Plus, I was deeply in love with the Sun and the Moon at the time.

#04: He's There = 5 votes
He's there
A play with my little brother and the flash from my Digicam. During my sister's engagement in 2005.

#12: My Childhood Walk = 5 votes
my childhood walk
The normal path we walked since we were small, back in my dad's hometown in Parit, Perak. I love it there. By the roadsides, there are rambutan and mangosteen trees we used to climb when we were small. This path takes us to the paddy field.

#15: Never There = 5 votes
Never There
Taken at one of those harbour (shoot, I forgot already) in Langkawi during our company trip in May 2007. I like the feel in this one. Its like waiting for something that is never there.

#19: Sedetik Rasa, Sekilas Pandang = 4 votes
sedetik rasa, sekilas pandang
On board the AirAsia to Jakarta for Jakarta Jazz Festival 2008 in March 2008. The last international flight I had was coming home from Australia to Malaysia in 1989. I was awed by the scenery and took a moment to absorb it in my soul.

#20: Tunnel of Lights= 4 votes
tunnel of lights
Love sitting at the back or front of the Putra LRT becos I get to see the tunnel. And in some occasions when I'm equipped with my camera, will always be moments captured.

#13: Breathe = 3 votes
My sister didn't realise when I took this picture. I like moments like these. Candid. Yet, doesn't look like so.

#14: An Identified Flying Object = 3 votes
An Identified Flying Object
This picture was taken during Atilia's Ranjau MTV shoot in Ara Damansara in January 2008. The sun was setting and I tried to experiment capturing flares. It worked to my surprise.

#17: The Perfect Light of Imperfection = 3 votes
The Perfect Light in Imperfection
This is another experimental shot upon borrowing a friend's Olympus.

#23: A Mother's View = 2 votes
a tribute to a friendship
One of my personal favourites of Bibi and Aini. Ahhhh, again, my fetish for babies.

Thanks to all who voted and the most overwhelming thing was that all 24 photos that I chosen for this voting process were voted at least with 2 votes. Hopefully the event will be a success! I'm pretty excited because most of my personal friends will be there and that's just great! I'll see you there ok!

Monday, June 16, 2008

Time to Vote!!!

Please please be honest and pick your best ones. You can vote 5 times! Let me know which is the best so I can narrow down works for KLUEUrbanscapes.

Please click on the images if you want to see the larger size of the image. Then please leave in the comments which 5 is best for the exhibition. If you think none of them are good enough, can also say, I'm open to criticism.

No 1: Feeling Morbid
feeling morbid

No 2: A Farewell
a farewell

No 3: In Drunkness, I Can't See You
in drunkness, I can't see you

No 4: He's There
He's there

No 5: The Moon Has Been Pushed Away
the moon have been pushed away

No 6: Hold Me Mummy
hold me mummy

No 7: Negaraku, Photographer Style
Flickr Walk - Kpg Hj Abdullah Hukum - 19082007

No 8: Bridge to Wonders
Bridge to Wonders

No 9: Sang Bulan
sang bulan

No 10: The Sparkling Old
The Sparkling Old

No 11: Penantian
Flickr Walk - Kpg Hj Abdullah Hukum - 19082007

No 12: My Childhood Walk
my childhood walk

No 13: Breathe

No 14: An Identified Flying Object
An Identified Flying Object

No 15: Never There
Never There

No 16: Whatever Fits
whatever fits

No 17: The Perfect Light of Imperfection
The Perfect Light in Imperfection

No 18: I'm Watching You
I'm watching you

No 19: Sedetik Rasa, Sekilas Pandang
sedetik rasa, sekilas pandang

No 20: Tunnel of Lights
tunnel of lights

No 21: A Forgotten Cindarella
KLickr Photowalk on 11th May 2008

No 22: Kawan saya, Si Ranting
KLickr Photowalk on 11th May 2008

No 23: A Mother's View
a tribute to a friendship

No 24: A Sunset. A Momento.
sunset. with my oldest bestfriend.

Thanks a lot Guys!!!

Friday, June 13, 2008

riding the bus to work, irrational or not?

Since 5th June, the date when most Malaysians were probably on a new resolution in cutting cost with the recent 40% petrol price hike, I have started using public transport to go to work.

it wasn't an easy task. not when you live in the suburbs.

my parents disapproved my decisions. but not to the extend of standing between the bus steps and me. my dad gave some weird tone when he uttered "naik bas??!!" and my mom pleaded, "ala adik, naik seringgit dua je, takpe la. tak payah naik bas".

an infamous spoilt quitter, I wanted to be a little bit determined this time around.

so I did.

took the 7.30am Metrobus from Taman Bidara Selayang (RM2.50), and stopped at Chow Kitt monorail station. Took the monorail from Chow Kitt to KL Sentral (RM2.50). Arrived at the office around 9.30am.

It usually took me 30 mins drive from my house to my office at Plaza Sentral.

but since the bus goes around Selayang, up to Sentul, Jalan Ipoh, and Chow Kitt, not to mentioned the PEAKEST hour to ride the monorail train at 8.30am, it took about 2 hours using Public Transportation.

a friend mentioned once, Life is either saving money and wasting time, or wasting money to buy time.

I went home with Muid. Thanked god I have a brother who works on flexible hours.

The next day was a Friday, I drove becos I needed to get back early for my Friday night plans.

Monday and Tuesday, used the bus, this time around, got down at Central Market and then took the LRT from CM to KL Sentral (RM1). Much cheaper and better that way. I talked to my sister on Tuesday, and apparently my parents have been reporting of this unusual activity to her.

The parents' perception was, "Adik tu dah broke sangat, langsung takde duit, sampai terpaksa naik bas".

I was like, "WTF?! Yong, kalau adik takde duit, how would I even pay for the bus fare???"

My sister told me that it is somewhat of an irrational decision. My mom told me that her clerks who are earning less than I am, still continue using the car. Some people told me, its just development, its normal, what am I trying to prove by ditching my convenience of driving to work?

Riding the bus is nothing new to most of us. Nothing new to me as well. My final semester in UiTM was completed with daily travels from Sg. Besi to Shah Alam commuting via bus and commuter trains. Those long long hours of standing if you couldn't get the seat, the odour from other people, etc etc etc.

Development and convenience, I do cherish them a lot. Heck, I pay for my car monthly, of course I want to use it as often as I could until it runs down (god forbids that happen on an empty highway at 2am!)

Just to think, a single mother, who works as a tea lady to support her 3 kids, rides the bus every single day to work.

Why should it be a trouble for me to ride a bus? Why is it irrational? Just becos I'm a single middle-class income earner who owns a car and run with the hip yuppies in KL?

I don't see why we should avoid some facilities just to fit in with development, social class and convenience. Of course I understand convenience. I know how convenient it is to drive and sing in the car while driving.

Riding the bus is fun too. I get to watch people from all walks of life. I get to observe. I get to feel the dirt. I get to sweat a little. Yes, I do admit, I get to smell their odour too.

But I don't agree how it should be deemed as an irrational decision.

I still drive to work (like today when I woke up at 8am and it took me 30 mins to stare at the water as if it would boil hot for my convenience). But I do enjoy taking the bus too.

A friend said, if I lasted 6 months, I'm a "wanita yang tabah".

Its not about lasting how many months or whenever.

Its more for me. How I perceive life. To be able to look at life from different angles. Life is not only about social status and convenience. I want to be able to save the same gratitude I have for the person who drives the bus I'm sitting on, as same as the bar tender who mixed my drinks (okay, awkward moment there). But yeah. Thats just me.

so, if making this decision shows the irrational part of abby, I guess sanity is overrated.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

A Birthday Wish for a chenta hati

SMS at 10.20am, 10th June, 2008.

Abby: You're Old!

Fozz: Old n haggard.. Same age as u.. Humph. Oh, tq 4 reminding me im old btw. Ill take dat as a bday wish. Unique one. Tq :d

I didn't intend to be similar as everyone else wishing the best of health bla bla bla so I pulled out a short simple one for one of THE most sarcastic human being I love so much.

Unique. Of course.

Not as unique as the person though. No, I'm not talking about me.

There are times when I needed faith and trust. Told a person once, Faith is something we own, Trust is something we give. Both are ours and no one can take that away from us. Fozz is one of those people I have faith in and one of the people I trust most. I have faith that whatever she does in life, it'll turn out good. And I trust her judgment and will support it endlessly, always and forever.

It have been 4 years, I think I've celebrated 3 of your birthdays (not really celebrate la, maybe just wish birthday).

Yesterday I finished reading The Time Traveler's Wife and to my surprise, an excerpt from my favourite Rilke poem was part of the ending for the book. The timing couldn't be better.

Faith is something we own. Trust is something we give.

For the person I always have FAITH in and the person I TRUST the most.

Going Blind by Rainer Maria Rilke

She sat just like the others at the table.
But on second glance, she seemed to hold her cup
a little differently as she picked it up.
She smiled once. It was almost painful.

And when they finished and it was time to stand
and slowly, as chance selected them, they left
and moved through many rooms (they talked and laughed),
I saw her. She was moving far behind

the others, absorbed, like someone who will soon
have to sing before a large assembly;
upon her eyes, which were radiant with joy,
light played as on the surface of a pool.

She followed slowly, taking a long time,
as though there were some obstacle in the way;
and yet: as though, once it was overcome,
she would be beyond all walking, and would fly.

Happy Birthday Fozzy. You know I love you. :-)

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

abang nasi lemak

The other day, I was walking down Jalan Tun Sambanthan with Oya and she asked me, where was the nasi lemak stall I wrote about and I showed her. this morning, I went out of the house quite early and decided to drop by that nasi lemak stall and get me some breakfast so I can take my medicine later.

the nasi lemak stall is operated by abang and his mother, makcik. excuse me for giving such name, becos thats what I call them. Abang is maybe in his early 30s and makcik is in her late 50s.

This morning I was laughed by Abang, not in a bad way tho, just becos I forgot about the "Layan Diri" concept. Noting that Abang is busy making the roti canai and Makcik was busy making drinks, all the food can just be taken by ourselves, provided we pay la, obviously.

I bet Makcik have been operating the stall for probably most of her life, and Abang is contented in just helping Makcik because thats enough for him. I do look up to them, comfortable and finding sense of security in what they do.

Last Sunday night, I was given a talk by my dad. The (R) Colonel have spoken after a long while of seeing how I adjust my life.

My dad was asking me, what am I running for? What is this life I'm aiming, running, filling up every single second with activities that eventually drain out my energy.

Yesterday, after going to the clinic with Mom, I told her.

Unlike most people who would just want to settle down, I don't see myself in that position. You know, finding a job, finding a man, and just settle down.

Growing up, we are indirectly exposed to Maslow Hierarchy of Human Need.

We have the essentials, the necessities, food, clothes, shelter.

Then we search for security, safety.

Next comes love, friendship, family, sexual intimacy.

We then search for self-esteem in our career and life.

Finally, self achievement in terms of self actualisation.

The definition to every single stage differs from one person to another. Some view love and sexual intimacy as one, and some view love and sexual intimacy as separate. Some view family and friendship as separate, and some regards friends to be part of their family.

What is this life that I'm running for?

I have lost desire in finding anyone to love, especially being convince that I am not a "find" myself. After meeting people whom I love wholeheartedly but end up not appreciating it, and meeting people who says they love me one minute but decided they are disgusted with me the next, I somehow lost faith in that kind of love. So I have diverted love into a new definition. Loving all my friends as I would love a lover. Minus sexual intimacy. Well, the innovation of those battery-operated devices might help in those urgent cases. Haha.

If I have lost faith in love, settling down might seem far far far away from where I stand.

Then what comes next?

Self esteem? As insecure as I am, I have built up my self-esteem better in such small period of time compared to some people. breaking out from inferiority complex. You name it. I am proud of myself. For someone who has been called the most ugliest girl in school 3 years in a row in a bloody boarding school to jump into the Communications line and do what I did, I'm very proud of myself.

But of course, my parents doesn't see all this. They don't know that I love writing and am very aspired to be a writer. They don't care anyway how creative and good I can be, as long as I secure a nice comfortable government job and a husband.

My dad told me, the weightage of a father's responsibility is that he must at least make sure all his girls are married before performing "haji", thats how big of a deal marriage is to fathers.

I do understand where he's coming from. I do understand my mom's concern. Heck, I would want to give away my little sister, Afiqah to her future husband before I get married myself and Afiqah is still 15 years old.

What triggered me most was that ... What is this life I'm running for?

My parents said, everything I do right now is for friends, nothing in it for me.

My father said I have lost the fundamentals of life, rushing and running for things I don't do for myself.

At times, its saddening to know how little faith your loved ones have for you.

And at other times, who is this person running my life?

The people who makes me happy at this moment. And there are more of course.
Photo Credit: Halimi Saidi / Raja Norashikin