The Cosmic Wise and Crappy Words

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Independence is not just about being self-sufficient

There I was, as they countdown the seconds to Independence Day, alone in my room playing some silly Mahjung game on my laptop. Not to say I'm the least patriotic, but I was playing those so-called smart-ass person shit where I think its a total waste of time to just countdown and celebrate this parade without any knowledge of the Independence period 51 years ago. I worked in a library once, going through records of historical events, having to jot them down in bulleted points for work and reading them through, so I know bits and bits of what happened. And to see firing fireworks, parading and dancing in streets, is not really my type of celebration. If they start reading the Declaration of Indepedence or a journey this country for the past of 51 or 45 years, let me know.

But thats not what I wanted to write tonight, or morning, or whatever. It is 12.23am, so is it middle of the night, or also considered morning? I don't know.

Well, I am a very friendly person, easy to adjust and sometimes, easy to get comfortable to people and starts spilling my life to them. But there are certain individuals who I really share some stuff in my life. For example my work. I don't talk about work to everyone easily just like that. I think, I talk about work with some of my closest collegemates from UiTM, being Farisa and Farah. Maybe because they talk about their work too. And maybe because we're among those single ladies who loves to talk about work because none of us are dating, in a relationship or have anything slightly romantic happening in our lives at the moment. So, talk about work we must.

A few days back I've been wanting to write about this ever since I answered this question:-

Q: If you weren't in your current line of work, what would you be doing instead?

A: Funny to say, I can never imagine myself doing anything else than what I have grown up to be right now, and ironic enough, I never imagine myself to be doing what I'm doing right now. I'm basically doing everything I can, and enjoying it while I can.

Never in my previous life, would I ever thought at one point that I wanted to be a CSR Analyst or a social networker. When I was 7 years old, I wanted to be a V.I.P. because I know V.I.P.s are rich people who rides a chauffeured limosine and goes to work with their briefcases and sign documents. Then, a year after that, I wanted to be the first Lady Prime Minister in Malaysia. Of course, unlike KJ, I don't have such determination to snake my way through my political agenda at the age of 8, so its clearly why I have lost interest in becoming a politician.

Anyways, earlier today I asked a friend, did she always wanted to become a writer that she is today and she said no, she wanted to be something else.

Ambitions and being ambitious are two different things, even though derived from the same root word. Ambitions are usually set as we were growing up. As time goes by, we grew up to become who we are today, we lost track of our ambitions and we settled for whats good at the moment, either that or we grew to like something else. Ambitious on the other hand is more short-term, it inspires and motivates you with a little bit of excitement in reaching a certain short-term goal. Everyone is ambitious to reach and get what they want in life, because what they want constantly change in a short period of time.

I always wrote about how I was never good in school. I was that student who jumped up and down because she got 38% for Chemistry, a little higher as compared to 33% she got the semester before that. And also that student who boasted how she got 8% in Add Maths as compared to another friend who got 6%. And I was never a reader or a bookworm. I was one of those smarty pants who think she's good enough as she is, the education system sucks and wanting straight A's is for normal boring people who wanted to fit in with society demands.

Thats why when I got Grade One with 16 Aggregate for my SPM, I felt somewhat, content, even though I knew, I could've gotten below 15 aggregate if I scored A1 for my English paper. Owh, did I mention I got C3 for English. Yes, I am not good in English either. All these, these writing in English crap, is just to trick you all. With the MRSM grading system of using CGPA, I was among those who couldn't graduate for my Form 5 because I failed my elective subjects more than 3 times. Yes. Getting a place in UiTM was sort of lucky for me. But I'm grateful enough. Even though at one semester, I failed 4 out of the 5 subjects that I took. The only subject I passed that semester was Entrepreneurship. And that was because I talk cock during my presentation and I got an A for that.

After I graduated, my first job was a Communications and Publications exec in an academic-based NGO. Basically, I worked in a library. And of course I love being surrounded by books. It made this smarty pants look like she IS smart after all, being surrounded by books even though she rarely reads one.

In one particular event, I was in a room, filled with academicians, there to take notes and photos for my organisation's slot in the International Convention of Asian Scholars. Sitting in that room listening to presentations and debates, I thought to myself, never on Earth would I imagine I'd be sitting among intelligentsias and suddenly smiled, with the thought of those, who got 10 Aggregates, and 8A1s in my batch, but will never be closed to the opportunity in life I'm living at that moment.

I learned as I grow older, life is not longer about scoring As in your examinations. Its a plus to be that First Class Honours degree holder, but, life is not about that anymore.

When I typed my answer to the question above, I wondered, this is it, what I'm living for at the moment. I don't see the future and I never have imagined it in the past.

This is my present and this is who I have become. And funnily, it fit me well. It has me written on it, and it, written on me. I am no longer ambitious, nor I became one of my ambitions.

I have become the person I was meant to be. Thats just about it.

Its funny to say that at this point, I don't have this desire to be a millionaire, or a big boss, or drive a big car.

It wouldn't hurt to have a few extra hundreds of dollars of course, but the life I'm living in right now, I'm just blessed with the fact that even in my most critical moments of not having money, I can still manage to get to the office and at least eat a bun for the whole day even if I don't have enough money for lunch. But as I keep in mind that, there are a lot of people who has had it worst, who is suffering more, so I'm just grateful that life still goes on.

There's a point in life when you life based on faith. Not just religion wise, but faith in yourself.

Faith that what happens today is destined to happen. Faith that you will be able to get through with it. Faith that you can help yourself and if you take life positive enough, God will help your pursuit in finding solutions to your problems.

I might not be the most religious person in the whole wide world.

But I have faith, a firm faith in myself. No matter how much I rant, vent and appear to be so lonely, shallow and bitchy,

This faith brings me confidence and hope.

And this faith is my Independence.

Happy Independence Day people!

Friday, August 29, 2008

Friday night incident

stupid stupid accident prone Abby.

Yeap, thats me, Hi, nice to meet you all.

Well, to be frank, its not entirely my fault. Do you know that square drain hole on the normal terrace house driveway. They used to have like an iron grill right?

Well, some stupid idiot stole ours, leaving a square hole into that 1.2 metre deep drain. Yes, about 1.2 metre deep. I think. 1.2 metre is about 4 feet deep. I think. Am I good at maths? I don't know. I got A1 for modern maths and C5 for add maths.

Anyways, I noticed about the 'disappearance' of the drain hole's iron grill earlier that morning before I went to work. But of course, what I did was just put on my smart sympathising look to show the neighbours I looked pretty concerned but a very busy working lady at the same time who needs to go to work. (yeah right).

I was pretty lucky when I got home. I totally forgot about the square hole 4 feet deep booby trap and managed to not even step near it when I entered my house.

But when the dominos guys came, of course, like an excited little puppy being thrown a bone, I rushed out to get my pizza and just as I stepped outside my gate area, I basically feel down on my toe, hitting my toenail and went deep inside that 4 metre drain hole scratching my elbows and hitting my ribs at the jagged edges of the hole.

Both of the dominos guys were so shocked and panicked, and of course, in the presence of strangers, I appear relaxed, cool and funny "Takpe apa apa, saya okay" and climbed out of that stupid drain hole by myself. Muid ran out and looked panicked as well. Me, I tried as good as I can keeping composed.

The guys helped pick up my coins that fell down, helped get the pizza inside, asked whether I was okay or not, curse the stupid thieves who stole those iron grills, I bid them selamat merdeka and they went off.

Then when I slowly walk up to my room to wash the bruises, I cried. One, for being totally stupid and fell down. Two, for the pain, even though it wasn't like kena langgar kereta sampai patah kaki pain. But yeah, I'm a baby.

Internal bleeding under my toe nail, some scratches on my back and a bloody right elbow.

I disregarded it all and ate the pizzas.

Funnily, and subconsciously, I'm enjoying all these, having bruises, being in pain.

I am in between wanting to check my aching ribs, but I guess its not really caused by the fall but more likely by my sit-ups yesterday. But abah insisted so I'll go clean-up and go check la. Bye bye people.

hello.

Its 5.23pm. More like 1723 hours. Friday, August 29th, 2008. Everyone is not focusing. I can feel it. Or maybe its just me. I remembered when I used to work in Putrajaya. I never wanted to rush off and go home early. Mainly due to the massive rush-hour congestion.

But its different today. Its going to be a very long weekend. Well, it might just be a long weekend, I purposely exaggerated on the "very" part. Mainly due to it being the last weekend for us to eat during the day.

Wow, a year since puasa last year (duhh!). Last puasa was quite different. Very different. Different working environment. Different attitude. Different lifestyle. Mainly due to ... different situations.

I'm looking forward to rush off early, drop by Bangsar to get some DVDs for the weekend, call dominos for big family couch potato-ing event, and maybe go for a late night drink with some friends later in the evening. One of those few nights I want to let loose and be the F I wanted to be and just not care. Since I can't book myself a proper beach escapade. Mainly due to ... insufficient funds.

Life has been ups and downs. Lots of fun and new things happening in my life. I have decided to just be in love with myself. So my latest investment in loving myself was that MYR59.90 sit-up bench I got from Tesco. I have started with 20 sit-ups this morning and am ambitious enough to set a goal of 5 weeks to get my 4-pack abs. I seriously want that. It shall be my triumph. Especially over all those gendut men who think that I'm disgusting and not pretty enough. Well, not to prove that I can be a pretty hot person, but only to prove, you guys have such ugly fat bodies and I pity when you curse your disgusting words on others, but you're such a slap piece of meat. This emotional outburst was mainly due to a friend who informed me, her friend decided to get a second wife because the first one is getting fatter each day. I'm like, hello, does your body look like Hugh Jackman for you to even qualify to say that? I hate men like that. Now, with my greatly shape body, I find guys who doesn't like fat ladies, is just like an ant I pity for before I squash them to death. Hahahahaha ...

But in the good spirit of the LONG weekend, I'm good and fine. And I'd like to share some of my most favourite moments for the past year.













Have a good one folks!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

5 Questions with Abby Latif

I came across Dorothy Snarker's post on 5 Questions with Dorothy Snarker. So I've decided to do my own 5 Questions with Abby Latif.

Q: What is your preferred environment for writing?

A: I like to write on my note book when I'm alone in coffee shops or basically when I'm outdoor, alone. Those are mostly for my poetries. But sometimes, I get instinctive need to write so I can just pour out the words whenever where ever.


Q: What punctuation mark are you fondest of?


A: The dot ... dot ... dot ... It gives a long pause and some time to think.


Q: What punctuation, spelling, grammar, style, or usage error annoys you the most?

A: When people start using those text message language in normal articles and conversations when you can actually correctly spell those words. I hate acornyms and shortforms in sentences. I can never speed-writing when I jot down notes during my studying years. I even write long sentences in my text messages.


Q: If you weren't in your current line of work, what would you be doing instead?


A: Funny to say, I can never imagine myself doing anything else than what I have grown up to be right now, and ironic enough, I never imagine myself to be doing what I'm doing right now. I'm basically doing everything I can, and enjoying it while I can.


Q: What drove you to become a writer?


A: Being able to let my heart speaks for once. I've been told that my writings are alive when people reads it. Its short and simple and full of those dot ... dot ... dot ... What I like most is the ability to share. One too many times, some people drop comments saying that they feel what I write, they feel the sadness, they feel the hollow, they feel the laughter and they feel the love. Thats what mattered most in writing. You can be a top-notch extra-grande Copywriter or a Novel Writer, but if you can't touch hearts with your writings, there's no use, is there?

Sleeping Slut

I wrote in my Facebook note about who I wanted to sleep with and we (my friends who replied on that note) agreed that we should do a Top 10 of who we want to sleep with.

And since I'm bisexual, I have a Top 20! Hahahaha, see the perks of being open to choices!

Please note that this list is purely fantasy because there's no way in hell (or heaven) will I ever get these people in bed with me. Plus, I pretty much love my bed being just for myself *in denial alert*.

Anyways, the show must go on ...........


And the lucky ladies are *drum rolls*



1. Angelina Jolie - A World Citizen who played the seductive Persian mother to Alexander The Great??? Who doesn't want to wake up and kiss those tattoos a good morning?

Photo Taken from http://tattodesigns.wordpress.com/2008/03/09/angelina-jolie-tatto-designs/


2. Asha Gill - A great Travel Host, former MTV VJ and a radio DJ with a quick wit. Thumb-sucking good? Well of course!

Photo taken from http://www.ashagill.com

3. Camila Grey of Uh Huh Her - Who doesn't want to be a groupie and sleep with the rock star???? Hehehehehe ... Plus, she's a musical genius!

Photo taken from http://www.sineadcochrane.com/category/photos/

4. Nadya Hutagalung - a former MTV VJ, growing up watching her on TV has never been better. Now she's a mother but I bet she's definitely a MILF (and I'm saying that in a complimenting way).


Photo taken from http://www.info-artis.com/Nadya_Hutagalung/Nadya_Hutagalung.html

5. Natalie Portman - She's not only talented, but she's smart as well. And who can pull off being gorgeous with and without hair at the same time? She laaaaaaaah ...... Hahahaha ....

Photo taken from http://forums.thebothanspy.com/showthread.php?t=7352

6. Rachel Weisz - The quintessential British lady that we droolingly stare on those Burberry ads. (droolllsss......)

Photo taken from http://movies.about.com/od/thefountain/ig/fountaincastphotos/fountainvenice03.htm


7. Leisha Hailey of Uh Huh Her - She plays Alice Peiszecki in the hit TV show, the L Word but what she's more good at is playing the bass for her cool band Uh Huh Her and you just feel like UhHuh-ing both of them, Her and Her bandmate.

Photo taken from http://www.myspace.com/uhhuhhermusic

8. Agyness Deyn - The most quirky supermodel this year and she reminds me of Eve Salvail and Linda Evangelista. Hehehehe .... Now now Abby, such fantasy ....

Photo taken from http://www.sugarscape.com/main-topics/fashion-beauty/get-look/57351/50-agyness-dress

9. Sarah Shahi - Armed with a Revolver and an aviator, the former 'Carmen' in the L Word is now kicking asses in her new TV series 'Life'. Sarah Shahi is definitely hotter than HOT!

Photo taken from http://frontburner.dmagazine.com/2007/06/13

10. Aishwarya Rai - I only watch Bollywood movies if she's acting and I think she's one of India's most prettiest beauty queen! And she's a go getter too, I like go getting women!

Photo taken from http://livinggallery.oneindia.in/v/album01-bollywood-specials/Aishwarya_Rai_at_Cannes_2006_2.jpg.html



Now, how bout we have some MEN on the plate now ....

1. Bono U2 - He's a Humanitarian!!! Thats why he's Numero Uno just like Angelina Jolie!!!!

Photo taken from http://www.kwod.net/pages/237347.php

2. Sean Connery - My dear Sir Sean Connery, believe me, he is that desirable!

Photo taken from http://www.askmen.com/men/entertainment_60/67_sean_connery.html

Photos upload has been undergoing some technical problems. Maybe THE ONE caused this one. hhehehehe...

3. Keanu Reeves (because he's THE ONE!)
4. Brandon Flowers (becos he kills me with his scruffy looks)
5. Jeremy Irons (elegance + sexy, need not say more)
6. Chris Cornell (frontman of Audioslave)
7. Hugh Jackman (remember that scene where he wore a tiny towel playing golf on top of his trailer in Swordfish???)
8. Orlando Bloom (droolll ... droolll ...)

Now ........................ I should get some more bedsheets and pillow cases.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Moving On

Yesterday I did (somewhat) a brave thing. I told a dear friend I once had a crush on her. It might sound just so very simple, but it took my guts to tell her. And I'm glad I did. Because I respect the nice friendship we're building and I'm trying to eliminate any existence of hidden agenda that my subconscious self might still be clinging on to.

Today I had a deep conversation with a friend about love. About falling in love.

I told her I'm tired of it now. And I'm not even 26 years old yet. She told me, when she was in my age, she was running around, waking up at 8am, sleeping at 4am, being in love.

I told her. I have had that. Grand Love. One true love. The love that you'll get to experience once and never allowed to keep.

From now on in my life, everyone that comes by, will be compared to that person.

My friend was quite shocked with this revelation. Although she did admit that when I was in a relationship with a guy, I made the guy looked like he was wearing the skirt in the relationship. Apparently, it has been told by a few other person, that I seem like the dominating partner and I need someone who's more dominating to control me.

What do you do when you're tired of love? Will you submit yourself to the possibility of being in love again?

From now on, nothing can beat those sweet memories I had with the Grand Love. She might be gone from my life, she might have cut me off entirely and left me blaming myself every single night and day.

So, what do you do when love is no longer an option?

I don't settle for less. Thats just me. Thats why I don't go out on dates. For what its worth, my friends will enjoy the benefits of being treated like lovers, by me. I'll cheers to that!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

What the F with the V-Hole????

Owh, I do love the title, thanks to Liz Feldman who constantly provides us with new vocabulary each day. BeeteedoubleU, I think saying "What the F" and calling people or things "A-hole" or "V-hole" is quite decent. Then again, my mind is corrupted, so what I think cannot be implied by general public. Haha.

Well, I wrote in my Facebook note a few days ago about my colleague who posted on his website about Personality Traits by tree types.

Mine falls under September 24th to October 3rd to be as a Hazelnut Tree.

So,

Hazelnut Tree (the Extraordinary)
- charming, sense of humour, very demanding but can also be very understanding, knows how to make a lasting impression, active fighter for social causes and politics, popular, quite moody, sexually oriented, honest, a perfectionist, has a precise sense of judgement and expects complete fairness.



What do you know, the "sexually oriented" is so completely a spot-on! Hahaha.

Who needs to define their sexual orientation when they are already "sexually oriented" to even begin with???

I would like to discuss the traits one by one and which fits me the most.


Charming - hurm ........... I do like that one. Of course I'm going to narcissistically admit myself to be rather charming but I got a whole ON/OFF switch on that. Meaning, one minute, I can be charming, the next, a total V-Hole.


Sense of Humour - Now this is interesting. Would like to share my latest FB note with you:-

On [not] being Funny

I don't know whether I'm funny or not. Maybe annoyingly pathetic.

The other day, I was stopped by the bouncer at Funtheque as I was entering.

Bouncer: Boleh tengok apa dalam beg tu? Can I see whats inside the bag?
(eyeing my black cloth sling bag - okay, I don't know what exactly its called)

Abby: Errr, boleh. Errr, yeah.

Bouncer: Apa ada dalam beg ni? (misai garang) What do you have in here? (fierce mustache man)

Abby: (muka innocent) Errr, ada bekas bekal nasi lemak bawak gi ofis tadi. (innocent face) Errr, my lunch box I brought to the office.

Bouncer gave me a weird look and let me go up to the club.

Muid was laughing like hell.

Me, I just find it a normal innocent statement I let out once awhile.

Now, you judge my sense of humour. Maybe it doesn't sound so funny in those Italic-translated-English but what the H. I am not usually funny but most of the time, I appear as a laughing stock to most of my friends and well, its good to make people laughs even if you appear tad too foolish making fool of yourself.


very demanding but can also be very understanding - Yeap! Very! Thats why the last girl I fell in love with ditched me from her life. I was too demanding even though I appeared understanding.


knows how to make a lasting impression - Hurm, this I wouldn't know. But a lot of times I bumped into people who knows me, recognises me, but I couldn't remember who they were or where did I meet them. Or thats just my 3-seconds dorry fish memory.


active fighter for social causes and politics - Yes sir! Thats why my first job was with an NGO and my goal is to work with the United Nations. Well the latter has slightly changed but I still believe that human beings are sent down as guiders and helpers to their people and friends.


popular - Crap! I'm not popular .... Hehehehe. But some of my friends are and I'm happy for them.


quite moody - Hell yeah bitch! I am a blardy moody V-Hole!


sexually oriented - My most favourite trait! A Hazelnut tree who is sexually oriented? Hell Yeah! Men, women, I'm Game! Lets do a Threesome, or a Fourgy!!! Hahahahaha.


honest - Yes I am. But Truth hurts and so does honesty. Some people don't like it. They have 'secrets they cannot tell people' and they 'need not explain themselves'. (Those 2 phrases came from two people who actually deserves one another, good luck to them! haha)


a perfectionist - Not really. I do have OCD and sometimes I'm Anal, but not really a perfectionist all the time. I'm very flexible.


has a precise sense of judgement and expects complete fairness - Yes! Most definitely. Unlike some people who loves leading people to false assumptions, I tell it all out, maybe not to the face but maybe via email or whatnot, but I will always tell my side of the story so people can judge me and I allow them to call me a bitch, a V-Hole, an A-hole or whatever they wish to because they are matured and an individual of their own. But yeah, thats the diplomat in me.


Well thats it. Enjoy your own trees people!!!

Monday, August 18, 2008

when should I stop all these nonsense?

"We humans have two great problems: the first is knowing when to begin, the second is knowing when to stop." - Paulo Coelho in The Zahir.


And so, we begin to think about life. About the things that made us smile. Things where hope clings like a thread on a needle. Fragile, at anytime it can just fall off and you need to put on your BIG glasses to put it back in the needle hole again.

Hope clings like a thread on a needle. And we, hopeless people, tried hard to cling to hope.

Wishful thinking. Those words are pretty often told by friends to me. Being brave and strong to be feeling things I'm not allowed to feel anymore. Because they fear I might do something foolish. Like ruining a friendship. Again.

In times like these, my heart become restless. Wanting so much to feel the forbidden emotions. Emotions which comes in the form of love. Not just a sappy romantic love. But a stronger version of love. Where I, Abby, at anytime, will protect and be a happy slave to the person I've fallen in love with.

But its forbidden. I know a few people are so ready to whack me on the head. I know the consequences of my actions if I ever voice out my feelings to the person I wanted to tell it to the most.

Where's the fullstop? When can we be able to put a switch on feeling LOVE?

I've been told by people that they love me when all they did was just talk cock.

I've told people I love them and they get disgusted with me, or block me on Flickr.

What gives.

Abby, love for you is very dangerous. You know whats at stake here. Friendship, you're putting your friendship in jeopardy.

Who likes to gamble?

I don't. I don't like to place bets. I don't gamble. I'm an analyst. I analyses the risk. I tried hard to think what people would think at every situation or issues that arises. Well, I tried. Some people like to jump on trains and be care free. I step on it carefully. Because if I fall down, how can I protect the ones I love from falling down?

We're back to love again. Sappy hopeless love (shit) fool.

My mind is all messed up. If only. If only. *wishful thinking*

Human's sexual preferences are at equilibrium. A friend told me. *wishful thinking*

What if. What if.

What is equilibrium?

"A condition in which all acting influences are canceled by others, resulting in a stable, balanced, or unchanging system."


*wishful thinking*

I should give myself more projects. Yes. I should run. Yes. I should finish my book. Later.

Procrastinate.

Don't tell yet. Give more time.

Don't tell at all. Don't ruin it.

What if. If only. Equilibrium. *wishful thinking*

Okay. I shall call it a night.

rays of sun

(written on August 16th, 2008 - Saturday - at Palate Palette)

A little ray came shining through
The wound started to bleed
Warm
The heat somehow punctured the wound

Drops of rain
Dropping through the piercing sun

The thought of the Beloved
How much I am missing
Missing someone who's not there

Run faster away

I inhaled the nicotine stick
I sipped the alcoholic drink
My wound is still bleeding

These words end here.

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Friday, August 15, 2008

Self-Confidence

A friend of mine interviewed me (yes, I'm famous, trust me on this) for some opinions on working life (yes, I do go to work, altho I don't necessarily do that at the office). The later she asked for a mugshot of me, a decent one of course, so she can put it next to the bubble she created after the phone interview.

I browsed through my archive and found no decent pictures of myself. Its either I look like a retarded sick puppy or I'm about to give child birth by the way I'm laughing my ass off. Yes. It was a tough challenge.

So let me share some of my disgustingly retarded moment with you lots out there. Its the weekend to be humiliated!!!!!!!!!! Hahahaha.

Here is me looking so stoned. Yes. So stoned.

Photo Credit: Johan Sopiee

This is me looking pretty genius-ish.


Photo Credit: Raja Norashikin

This is me trapped in a bubble. Hahahahahaha.


Photo Credit: Halimi Saidi / Raja Norashikin

Me looking so freaking tired.


Photo Credit: Muid Latif

Me doing a Siamese twin with Prakash! Hehehehe.

Photo Credit: Johan Sopiee

There's more of course but I can't put in all. But these are few and I'm not normal. Hahahaha. I'm THE most retarded person in front of camera.

Not Going to Fall

(written at the 1st floor of KFC Jalan Bukit Bintang on August 13th, 2008)

A new leaf
Not going to fall anytime soon

Come autumn I'll still bloom
Not going to fall anytime soon.

A new person
Coming out from a cocoon

Till come a time I fall
Will I stand up and still be new?

A new person and a new leaf
Trapped in the air inside a balloon

Thrown into the sky floating by the moon
Not going to fall anytime soon.

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Thursday, August 14, 2008

What have you done in your first quarter-century of your life?

I had to proudly say, I have watched my first ever drag show and me, I repeat, me Abby, was taken on stage to compete with two other sexy ladies to do a sexy dance while peeling a banana with your teeth, in front of nearly 70 people cheering (who are also -fortunately- half drunk too).

It was in impromptu decision to join Muid who wanted me to meet new people. (yes, new people I met, and those people were fortunate to see the new Abby as well). In his very informative text, it was stated, "Funtheque near Bukit Bintang, R&B Ladies night.". I was like, why not. Free alcohol, and a little dance.

We met his friends Eddie, Is, Malek and his wife Lin. Suddenly Eddie told Muid that there would be a drag show in the middle of the band's performance. When Muid told me this, I was so excited, because it'll be my very first drag show ever!

They started the drag show off with that Siti Nurhaliza song, the one which they used for that drama series, seriously I don't know the title cos I don't listen to recent malay songs. (exception goes to Atilia's and Noryn's songs. Yes, I'm pretty much biased).

The next song was a solo by Miss Christina Aguilera (hehehe, well, she is kinda hot) who sang that first single of hers (okay, its just confirmed, I am this loser who doesn't listen to these new recent popular songs). But whats funny is that she was eyeing our friend Is who was standing out with his nice black fedora, white jambu complexion, neat long hair tied on the back, probably her type of man. So she slowly came down and walked towards him (which made me to step back a few steps cos I was standing next to him) and started leaning her back towards him, grabbed his hands and put it on her boobs. Owh my, that was hilarious and very very brave of her. His face turned red but she kept holding his hand on top of her boob.

After Christina Aguilera, this lady host came out for some comic sketch which was hilarious. She was so demm funny who put a kongkek joke on every guy she approached, including Is. Then she sang her own version of 'Belaian Jiwa' which is called 'Belaian Cibai' and finally ended the song by approaching non other than Muid himself to sing-a-long. Of course my brother loves the singing part and did his high key version of it before ending it with a funny ducky tone. Madam host were impressed and carried on the show with her singers and dancers.

After the break from the drag show, and a few drinks (so to speak), the DJ started a little game. He fished out 3 participants from the crowd and spankyiewveliemarch to Malek who pushed me forward, I was one of those three contestants.

Task is to step on the platform in front of the stage and peel a banana using your teeth while doing a sexy dance.

There I was in my jeans, my white short sleeve shirt and my black vest. With Is's black fedora on my head. Beside me, 2 sexy ladies wearing skimpy short dresses.

Wait seminit. The task. Peel banana using teeth. Do sexy dance.

Wait tuminit. My competition. 2 ladies in short dresses?

I was called on to dance the last. What did I do? Okay, dance part, I was groovy. Peeling banana using teeth? I ate the fucking banana okay, which made me the only contestant who not only peeled, but ate that fucking banana. Owh, did I mention I smouldered the peeled banana on my chest? Yes, that was the sexy part of it. If it looked sexy la. Hell, I was enjoying myself. And I had a bit too much vodka. (yes D, now I understand how vodka helps).

Winner were determined by the scream and cheer from the crowd. And of course, the second lady won even though I am so sure I got the most scream and cheer, and when I said scream, this includes a few boo that sounded screamish. Hahaha. But what I liked most was this old guy in glasses who cheered me in front of the stage and when I stepped down, he came up and gave me a high five! Even Madam Host from the drag show came up to me saying, "Darling, YOU were AWESOME!".

Well, I got me a free drink. With my drink, I went to Honey (the winning sexy dancer) and Madam Host and toasted our victory.

It was a good night out, minus the dragging encounters to a drunken King Maya (sorry Muid, its a lesson learn, at least we know who to avoid next time).

I would like to thank Muid for the invitation and Eddie, Malek, Lin and Is for the company.

So, what have you done in the first quarter-century of your life?

Me, I peeled a banana while performing a sexy dance to top it off.

I got another 42 days more before I reach 26 years old. Fair to say, I've done quite a bit of interesting things in my life already!

Owh, and be the first to see it. Hahahahaha. Thanks to my brother Muid who got it on his Samsung PDA phone. Now I need one of those video recording phones myself. Hurmmmm ...........

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

An Oath by a Top-Notch Procrastinator

I, Abby, Vow in the name of Cosmic

  • to work out and set goals to have well-toned abs and biceps like Kate Moennig so I can do a great portrait shoot by end of the year and also wear a bikini with confidence.

Picture taken from thelword-downbelow.com.


  • to push myself for a scholarship application for my postgraduate studies. Chances are I might get it. But yes, go get the bloody application Abby!

  • to tell someone I'm attracted to them even though we're now friends. I've been very blunt in my emotions to men, why can't I with women?


  • to finish 2 books this month! The Memory Keeper's Daughter and The Zahir. I must finish The Zahir because I borrowed that one from Khairina. And must continue with my Aung San Suu Kyi's memoir during fasting month!

  • to clear a few debts by end of month!

  • to upload those pictures I promised to upload! (my Flickr bersawang already)


(okay, this list will be updated regularly, and soon enough! Hahahaha.)

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

a restless Glum Chum

I have not written here for quite awhile here.

I wrote 2 notes in Facebook today.

Note 1: restless

Wow. I haven't gotten me enough sleep lately. And every morning, forcing myself to wake up and go to work. What annoyed me the most is that, my insomnia is not caused by work or something useful. Whats the cause of it? I dare not share becos I know some good buddies will smack me in the head for it.

But anyways, I was driving home last night and then the song 'Vogue' by Madonna was playing on my iPod. Suddenly I was inspired to do a set of self-portrait, under the theme of 'Strike a Pose'. Ideas came rushing in and immediately as I arrived home, I went straight to my bedroom and started to get the setting ready. With my point&shoot digicam, I was determined to do a very "strike a pose" nude self-portrait. Yes, nude.

Unfortunately my cheap P&S Digicam's battery went out and since it uses two AA batteries, it requires me to go to the shop and get new ones if I wanted to continue. I decided to go down and have dinner instead.

The results of the shoot was not as I expected, but inspired me to improve and cleared my mind of the direction I'm heading in terms of creativity for the shoot. Not that I'm pro tho. Just that I'm very much experimental and up for challenges.

And unfortunately for you guys, I didn't bring my camera in today so I can't show you the results. Haha.

But most of all, what I learned from all these is that I SO NEED TO WORK OUT!

A misconception of my so-called slim body is that I don't have any curves and I need to tone up my abs! I know I can do it becos I once have a 4-pack abs (no kidding) and I miss it somehow.

I think what I miss most is how I used to be so disciplined, such a control freak and someone who's very very OCD.

Nowadays, I couldn't care less, I procratinate like nobody's business (even tho it really is nobody's business) and I am as lazy as hell.

When I was young, small, naive, innocent and THE most adorable little kid (hahahaha, talk about narcissism), I used to volunteer for house chores, have a schedule for it, even tried to charge my folks for it (yeap, naturally born with a business mind). Basuh kereta = RM0.80. Basuh kain baju = RM0.50. and so on. Haha.

Yeap. And in college, I kept myself busy with so many things. Until I nearly flunk out of uni. Just becos "Accounting" was so dead boring, my classmates were so dead boring, 'skema', and just, boring (got la one or two who's not so boring) and I needed something that doesn't bore me.

I need to get back in phase. I got all these ideas in my head, but lack execution.

I need someone to give a BIG HUGE whack on my head and say, "Abby! Wake up and RUN!".

The Colonel asked, on June 1st, what is this life I'm running for?

Don't the Colonel see me stuck in bed every freaking weekend? What life? What run?

I wanted to further my studies. Encouraged by some friends, this was the latest desire I dwell in recently.

I never was good in school or uni. I nearly flunk out, my lowest CGPA is 1.46 with a red "Perhatian Akademik" in the result slip. I was not allowed to graduate when I was in MRSM becos I flunk all my elective subjects. The guys wrote me a note saying, "Dah la buruk, bodoh pulak tu. Jadi la babi yang educated sikit nak SPM ni", when I was in Form 5. Yeap, thats how stupid I was. I slept thru Physics, Chemistry, Accounts, History, Add Maths, you name it, I slept thru them all. Me and some few 'genius' others celebrate our achievement to even getting 8/100 for our Add Maths paper. "Weh, kau dapat berapa?", "Aku dapat 8/100", "Ish, aku dapat 6/100. Lagi sikit nak 8". Yes, those were the days where life was easy. My Add Maths teacher asked me on the day I picked my SPM results, "Akma, gembira nampak?", "Yelah cikgu, saya dapat C6!".

Tell me people, with that kind of brain, should I further my studies?

You might say I am clever and smart and I can pull it off. But honestly, this smart suave looking person you're refering to is just a disguise, a cover up to the brainless person behind it all. And not only the absence of brain, I am not creative to even begin with either. I can't draw shit. Standard 1, I already started paying my Yongie to do my artclass drawings for RM2 !!! (1989, RM2 is A LOT!)

I wondered about all this when I was sitting in the discussion room at the International Convention for Asian Scholars (ICAS) last year. There I was in a room with MBA scholars, Doctors with PhDs, Professors, academias, intelligentsias, bla bla bla.

Thats why I learned how to lick ass, suck up, butter up people with my charm.

Becos I'm dead stupid and brainless, and I have no artistic or creative blood in my veins.

I survive on people's grace to my fake charm.

Okay, I have rambled off the main topic.

I am very restless and I need to work out to tone my abs. Wow, I feel like a very superficial dumbass jock.

"So Abby, what do you do for a living?"

"I'm an analyst, a CSR Analyst"

Comments for the Note:-

Cahaya Emily wrote at 12:56pm
syg..

gosh i benci gle sape2 yang tulis note kat u mase form 5 tu!
let me kick them all!!anyway..keep on posting..i just love reading urs.it
touches my heart and soul.....

Abby Latif wrote at 12:58pm
hahahaha, thanks Arfah. Oh my, rindu nyer you, its been so long kan?

Nur Ain wrote at 1:39pm
Abby, u never know all those genius ppl...only academically bright....
but you...miss abbylina jolie...you are academically qualified (hey ..we all got our degree right?) and smart and opiniated !!

Abby Latif wrote at 1:41pm
Owh, thanks Ein. Altho my opinions these days is much concerning how to get laid, but yeah, thanks. Hahahahahaha.

Cahaya Emily wrote at 3:21pm
i pun rindu u..nk nanges.(i emo kat ofis nih)

Abby Latif wrote at 3:25pm
Hahahaha, hari ini hari emo.


Note 2: Glum Chum

I woke up to find my mood to be non-existence.

I drove to work, forcing myself to sing-a-long to the blasting music with a very indifferent face.

I twittered. I needed some good vibes. I have lost the need to smile.

Mizie said in reply "think of urself as Abbylina Jolie! had a sexy smile, good at big guns! wuhuuu! amacam babe? r u smiling now???"

Prakash asked, "u wanna hug? I can always hug you... Muackz"

Waa suddenly sang, "baa baa black sheep have you any wooolll?? yes sir, yes sir, three bags full.. *dinyanyi dgn suara yg sangat sumbang* Smile tak?"

Effa asked, "why so glum chum?". Okay, I jot this down becos I wanted to justify where I get the title. Haha.

But yeah, thanks to all who show their concern. I love you guys so very much.

Even to Belanda who noted, " Happy to know Abby SMILE at last! We all luv u babe. We care. We Dare. We Win. muahahaha...".

On my part, I just wanted to scream on top of my lungs,

"FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING HORMONES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

But seriously guys, thanks. Thank you so much. I'm just restless. But maybe I'm like a FOXY restless Abby. *winks to Mizie*. Yeah man, I can handle Big Guns and I can Curve Bullets!

*to note, I'm still a glum chum. Its this friggin hormones I tell ya. I so need a rooftop and scream it out loud! If the feeling is still there later after work, I'm game for a scream, let me know if anyone else wants to join or have a suggestion on where I can find a spot to scream it off.


Comments for that note:

Abby Latif wrote at 1:06pm
This is what I'm feeling right now.

All day I think about it, then at night I say it.
Where did I come from, and what am I supposed to be doing?
I have no idea.
My soul is from elsewhere, I'm sure of that,
and I intend to end up there.

This drunkenness began in some other tavern.
When I get back around to that place,
I'll be completely sober. Meanwhile,
I'm like a bird from another continent, sitting in this aviary.
The day is coming when I fly off,
but who is it now in my ear who hears my voice?
Who says words with my mouth?

Who looks out with my eyes? What is the soul?
I cannot stop asking.
If I could taste one sip of an answer,
I could break out of this prison for drunks.
I didn't come here of my own accord, and I can't leave that way.
Whoever brought me here will have to take me home.

This poetry, I never know what I'm going to say.
I don't plan it.
When I'm outside the saying of it,
I get very quiet and rarely speak at all.

Who Says Words With My Mouth? by Jalalludin Rumi

Raja Norashikin wrote at 1:08pm
tenggelamkan muka dlm kolam bilik air you...and scream your lungs out. but kalo tak ada kolam how? scream under the shower...effects tak sama lak Abs. cari baldi lah :P

Abby Latif wrote at 1:11pm
Okay, thats a good idea too. My bathroom got kolah. Boleh la tu.

But, nanti my parents pelik plak kan. Apa bunyi bubble bubble jerit sayup sayup kedengaran tu. Diaorang ingat I psycho plak karang. I need a place, outdoor where I can scream and no one can stare at me weirdly. A deserted place. Suddenly I feel like crying to.

Fucking hormones. Fuck you hormones. Fuck you!

Raja Norashikin wrote at 1:13pm
LOL!!!

Nik Azwaa-Azmi wrote at 1:23pm
ABCD_FGH_JK__NOPQR_TUVWXYZ...

Where r E,I,L,M & S?

Hmm..i told them 2 appear on ur face, to make u "SMILE"!

So,keep on smiling and have a good day.

Oh my god... That was so corny!

Raja Norashikin wrote at 1:26pm
that's a good one azwaa...hahahahahaha... :-D

Abby Latif wrote at 1:30pm
Hahaha.

Waa. I think kan, when you left your glasses at home, you terus jadi old fashion today. So the pakcik pakcik 80s nye advise.

Nonetheless, it does make me smile, wickedly. Hahahaha.

Abby Latif wrote at 1:32pm
I'm tagging Ena. Babe, wanna go somewhere and scream it all out? Jom babe, jom!

Violet Bleu wrote at 1:37pm
haiyo. just go for a vodka la. easy.

Abby Latif wrote at 1:37pm
Hahahahaha. Haiyo, jerit percuma. Vodka = RM18.

Eleena Mohd Riduan (UIllinois) wrote at 1:47pm
*joins Abby in cursing the hormones* !!!

Abby Latif wrote at 1:49pm
lets scream it out loud babe.

FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING HORMONES. YES, FUCK YOU!

Okay, I seriously need a place to scream it now.

Ahmad Tarmizi Abdul Rahman wrote at 4:08pm
LOL... hehe


Why all these? Becos I want to share and spread the negative vibe. If I'm going down, you're going down as well. Haha.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

uncertainty of the future, and looking back at the past

It took me a lot to be where I am, even though I am not making more than 2.5k a month. I don't go on shopping spree nor I spend a lot on material items or grooming myself to find a man.

Money is besides the point. Donald Trump said, your network is your networth, and that was what I pursued.

Earlier today, I had a chat with a friend, who later encouraged me to apply for the Chevening Scholarship and further my postgraduate studies. Her being a past Chevening Scholar herself, told me that I'm still young, I should get out of the country and venture into the world. She suggested Goldsmith, University of London for me and I immediately fell in love with the MA in Digital Media: Technology and Cultural Form programme. Chatting with a few other friends, everyone seems to be so encouraging to the idea. I have nothing holding me back, and I'm still young and best of all, I'm free to make a decision of my own. I don't think my parents would be against it and I have no sappy lovers to ask permission from. Indeed, I am pursuing this. I hope I can do it. I just got to run to British Council to see how the procedure goes. If not this year, it'll be next year. But I'm determined to leave the country.

Thats for the uncertainty of the future.


- NEXT! -


Today is my friend Lilia's birthday. 6th August 2008. Happy Birthday Lilia!!!! You're now 26 years old. Yes, years OLD! Hahahahaa. But with aging comes wisdom and maturity. Hence, this for you.

Lilia Edlina Azmi (before 26 years old)
Years Old.
A year to add to the life you've lived.
A year of ups and downs.
A year of encounters and discoveries.
A year of tears and laughter.
A year of health and pain.

Years Old.
Who to say what's in store up ahead.
Who to dictate which direction we shall walk.
Only God knows what is destined for us.
And only we know how to face our own life.

Lilia is 26 Years Old.
A friend.
A blogger.
A lover.
A daughter.
A sister.
A human.
Bound for mistakes and happiness.
Which made you who you are.
Special in the world. And loved by others.

Itu je la yang aku mampu bagi Lia. Hehehe. In this centralised air-conditioned igloo, thats the only thing I can come up with. Happy Birthday and thanks for being the listening ears when I needed a pair of those. Hehehe.


Looking back to what I've done these past few weeks.



Last 2 weeks, Sunday 27th July, we had Tina's bridal shower at RedBox The Curve. Yes, karaokeing was the IN thing for Bridal Showers and Hen Parties. I would highly thank Kak Zu for organising the event (wah, sungguh formal bunyinya) and having to follow-up constantly with us. Picked up Lia at KL Sentral and head off to The Curve. Was the first two to arrive, then later joined by Kak Zu and Liza who brought one of the cutest cake I've seen. Yeah, cute being spiced up with kinkyness, thats for sure. Had the chance to meet new acquaintances such as Liza, Farah, Ceera, and old familiar faces like Peeja and Jonet. Of course Tina was there (duhhh, do I even need to write that???). We had fun singing our lungs out. Sorry guys for the late event post-mortem. Pictures will be up on Facebook, so better quickly add me there.

Group photo and thats why I love my Nikon's Self-Timer

After everyone parted, I dropped by Teh Tarik Place since Shafina twittered that she was there. Apparently she was with Prakash and Ena. Hugged and kissed and said hi, then I went to send Lilia back to KL Sentral. It was too early to go back (since I spent the previous day sleeping and being in bed the entire day), I went back to The Curve and lepak with Ena, Shaf, Prakash, LJ, Mizie, Wan and her friend at Vivo until 8pm.


- NEXT -



Three-day conference went well. The Conference Gala dinner was a lot of fun. I went to KL Tower for the first time. Geoff bought 12 bottles of wine, hahaha. So determined to get the guests drunk I guess. But the view from up there was great! Too bad we didn't have the dinner at the revolving restaurant. That would be fun.

View from the restaurant on KL Tower


- NEXT! -


I've initiated a little internet journalism project with a friend and carried out our first test run last week during Atilia's 'Ranjau' music video launch at Bangkok Jazz. On a whole, I'm quite please. Its just a norm to start it off with something commercial like entertainment, but I have gotten some few people who have agreed to be interviewed, among them are a well-known writer and a top finalist for most green person on Earth (I met during our International CSR Conference). It is quite exciting to carry out the project and I'm putting my faith on my friend Oya to produce the best edited version of those interviews becos her video editing skills are superb. Me, I'm just pursuing one of my dreams, to own a talk show, well, at least it is heading that way anyways. The format is very much outdoorsy and pretty laidback becos I want to accommodate the human touch to it. Spontaneity, goofiness and natural human behaviours. Thanked God my friends are all wacky so it simply bring the show home, to being real. owh, did I mentioned this small project is called "r.e.a.l TV"?

So we had a blast kicking off the project at the music video launch. Here are some evidence that I did the interview myself, hahahahaha.


Me interviewing sis, who was part of the cast for 'Ranjau' music video
Photo by Halimi Saidi & Raja Norashikin

Interviewing sis again. Macam takde orang lain dah.
Photo by Donna Dee

With the talented composer, Kieran Kuek and his producer, Becky G.
Photo by Muid Latif

I spent the entire night chatting with Becky, such a cool purple-haired chick! We basically got out of our shyness and chatted like good friends.

Me, Ida, Muid, Atilia and Oya doing the 'Love & Unity' sign. Of course some love got squared. Hehe
Photo by Halimi Saidi & Raja Norashikin

After the launch, me, sis and Muid went for some capati and roti canai at Pelita KLCC. Yeah, I needed to sober up so I was practically forced to eat. Hahaha. But good thing sis did that. Usually everytime I'm tipsy or pretty wasted, I don't want to eat or drink anything and I'd just take my clothes off and crawl in bed. That was the first time I really ate something, capati lagi tu.


- NEXT! -


Last Saturday, took the chance to go to the final night of Sunrise Jazz festival. Apparently most of my friends couldn't make it but we still manage to sit in a large group of buddies, being Ena, her friend Mado, Waa, Prakash who brought some of his church buddies and of course me and Muid. Also managed to catch up with Astra who was with her new boyfriend (??? hehe). But most of all was awed by Hunny Madu (you go girl, definitely something to watch out for!) and her band, The Punk Mob and also Elvira Arul who is just simply a great singer herself! Unfortunately, I don't really favour Karen Nunis's performance but that's just my personal preferences. Met Dennis Lau there but didn't catch his performance that previous Friday.

Me and my cayang Prakash, my hugging bag! Hehe
Photo by Muid Latif

Me with Mika (the one bending down with his glasses almost falling off) and his friends
Photo by Muid Latif

On our way out, we bumped into Mika. I haven't met Mika for like 2 whole years I guess. Yeah, he looks more matured with those glasses. We used to hangout at Bestari Sri Hartamas every week, just enjoying some funny conversations and drinks. But apparently everyone got busy doing their own stuff, that was a real surprise having to meet him there.


Well, those are among the highlights these past weeks.

I got sugar high yesterday and I think I'm gonna get sugar high soon, again! Hahahahaha. Wow, that was a long entry. Hambik!!!

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

the question, that moment.

she stared at the flickering candle. in the dark room, that was the only source of light. the only thing keeping her company aside from the sound of dripping pipe water from outside of her window.

the crescent moon swings beautifully in the sky.

What are you afraid of?

Not being loved.

What else?

Die without being able to tell my loved ones that I love them.

A drop of tear ran on her cheek.

Tell me about your nightmares.

I'm chased by bad people. Some are rapists, and also demons. I'm always running away from them. And I always wake up just before they can actually touch me.

Tell me more about your nightmares.

I'm drowning, deeper and deeper suck into the bottom of the ocean. And I'm struggling. Struggling to go back to the surface but I can't swim up.

Tears are running down and she started sobbing.

What about death?

I think about death all the time. I think about what will happen if I die, and what might happen if my loved ones die.

Aren't you afraid of death?

No, I'm more afraid of not being loved.

She breathes slowly. Her heart feels heavy.

How do you want to die?

I want to die of a serious illness. I want to be able to say goodbye to everyone.

Do you always get what you want?

No.

Do you work for it, to get what you want?

No. I believe in fate. Whats destined for me shall happen.

Then what do you strive for in life?

To be loved. And to love. Wholeheartedly.

What do you want to be remembered for?

Por causa de amor.

Friday, August 01, 2008

just a thought

you are out there
I am here
we were once together
now nothing seems to be near

I often wonder
of the live you're living now
how fun and nice it is
without me by your side

I wanted to believe that its me
Who fucked up this whole thing
And you walked out to let me be
Far away from more pain and suffering

Today I read your first message
And that free smile you gave
Today the weak side of me misses you so much
Although physically I appear strong and brave

I bet you're happy with your friends
The ones who stabbed me from the back
And hope they'll be better friends than me
And give you better love and respect than I'll ever can spare

This is me, with the broken heart.
That is you, with the new life.

Then was us, good friends who always share.
Then was us, good friends who always cared.

You left without goodbyes and haunts my mind
I stayed here with guilt and bath with tears
I often wonder if I'll bump into you
Should I smile or disappear.

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