The Cosmic Wise and Crappy Words

Monday, September 29, 2008

Lay Around the Truth

I'm crazy bout this song, from The Jealous Girlfriends. It was featured in the L Word Episode 9 in Season 2. Once of my favourite episodes and the song just nailed it on the spot. The soft spot of my heart.

Lay Around by The Jealous Girlfriends

When I found this
My language in a way
I began to speak
And my soul was free
On a gust of inspiration

She was soaring over the walls built with shame
and self doubt, and a midnight curfew
A form I had not yet seen engulfed me...

I was standing on the deck
in the rain listening to jazz
Smoking a reefer cigarette
and I swear I swear
I didn't think of you once

But I thought maybe
Love is what you've been missing
Cause love is not what you've been giving
Maybe getting is all you've known till now
Or maybe you've forgotten how

He said "do you write for you or other people?"
I said "other people"
I said "I want them to see the beauty
that I can but just can not seem to touch,
which is only a metaphor for all of us."
I said "I think I'm trying to capture a moment
I think my whole life I've been trying
to capture that moment"
He said "one thing you can be sure of,
is that you never will"

I thought maybe
Love is what I've been missing
Cause love is not what I've been giving
Maybe getting is all I've known till now
Or maybe I never even learned how

"Lets try and keep things out
of the space that divides."
You said "the cracks between where we lie"
And we lie around so much,
we lie around, yes we lie around
We lie around, we just lay around the truth.
So much.

Until you are...
Getting, getting, getting, getting, going, gone!
You are...
Getting, getting, getting, getting, going, gone.
You are...
Getting, getting, getting, getting, going, gone.
You are...
For your love, for your love, for your love.

Cause I don't want to wait today for your love.
No, no, no, no.
I don't want to wait today for your love.

The Jealous Girlfriends make it work. The Brooklyn four-piece pull together the tunefulness of Anglo New Wave and BritPop, the aggression and energy of Washingtonian indie rock – both district and state - and infuse it all with a little soul, working an alchemy that transforms these base musical elements into songs crackling with tension and excitement that are instantly memorable while revealing something new with every listen.

Overtop a rhythmic foundation laid down by drummer Michael Fadem, Josh Abbott and Holly Miranda’s buzzsaw guitars carom and careen against Alex Lipsen’s square wave synths as their voices duet and duel overtop in tones that are playful and plaintive, menacing and mesmerizing. It’s this potent lineup that has crafted their eponymous album following a 2005 debut mini-album featuring only Miranda and Lipsen

P/S:- Holly Miranda replied my message on Myspace which I sent to her personal account and Mike Fadem replied the message I sent to their official myspace page. Muahahahaha. Bangga jadik fanatic fan!

Friday, September 26, 2008

Its The Ship We Sail In

If surprises were planned,
our lives would be based on expectation
then everyone would be a cynic
and no one would know how to sincerely smile.

If life was fully directed,
we would live without worries
then everyone would be perfect
and no one would know the consequences of mistakes.

If everyone becomes a poet,
words are just characters on paper
then everyone would not enjoy a poem
and no one would understand the honest magic it can bring.

If you and I were strangers,
the only thing we need is the night
then everyone would be lovers
and share the passion of loving one another.

They call this friendship
Because we're in it together
Our course are directed by the stars
And love is the anchor that keep us grounded forever.

(written September 28th @ 5.50am)

I thank you from the bottom of my heart, and you know my heart is like an abyss, bottomless like those vanilla coke at Chilli's.

I'm going to tell you what I have told some few friends on my ... 23rd birthday. (I don't know whether you still remember it Fozzy, but it was my birthday potluck picnic at KLCC park).

I'm not a good decision maker, especially when I am pretty much indecisive.

But I think the best decisions I've made so far is to make you guys my friends.

Thank you again (because you can never say thank you enough). Have a great raya ahead, drive safe and enjoy the little time you'll be spending with your family.

Last but not least,


Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Got to be REAL

Yesterday was my baby brother's birthday. Afis (Hafiz) turned 13. That comes with armpit hair, some strands of chin hair, and lots of acnes. Afis is 5 feet tall, and about 62kgs. Yes, he's a "solid" kid of "medium" build.

Afis with my younger sister Fiqah in 1997

To me, regardless of his facial hair or his acnes or his excessive fat, he is still my baby. I was a bit disappointed with myself that I couldn't buy him anything yet, and so, after coming home from work last night, I spent 2 hours lying down in his bed hugging, talking and teasing him.

Afis might seem 62kg and 13 yrs old but he still sits on my lap or basically sleeps "ON" top of me, like seriously, he can do that (and yes, I survived every time).

I am very much attached to Afis. When my mom was giving birth to him, I was 13 myself. I was the only one from my family accompanying my mom at the ward (although I wasn't allowed to sit in). Well, he was born during Friday prayer and my dad had to go off for prayer so there I was, sitting (dozing actually) at the waiting area outside the labour room.

I spent 4 months after SPM taking care of both my younger siblings (Afis was 4 and Fiqah was 6) and they practically sleep with me every single night. I might not have the normal 18 yr old fun life but I had the best time (although I complain a lot) bonding with my younger siblings.

So, yesterday, Afis turned 13 and he's now basically growing up to be a man.

This morning, on my way to work, I texted him, "Hey You! Happy Belated Birthday! ;-P"

He replied. "Terima kasih.....i love u"

You wonder why I'm sappy.

I don't need a man and a lover to complete me as a woman who's happily in love.

I have Afis.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Because I am Immortal

I wanted to write something good. I don't know what. I had a great time catching up with Nell last night. It has been awhile, since she's been busy and all. I remembered we used to just meet up for our bonding drinks. Then her job was taking most of her time and my financial state has limit my social outings a bit. Hahaha. But we tried to make it happen day by day and we managed to squeeze in yesterday's iftar to meet up and catch up. A lot has been going on in both our lives I think. Although I couldn't talk as much since I spent the earlier part of the day answering nature's call for 4-5 times because of my stupid move of having instant meehoon and coke for sahur. By 6.30pm, I was drained out of energy and nutrients since I've discharged them all. Disgustingly true. Well dearest people, truth is disgusting and painful. Hahaha.

I got home and immediately dozed off for about an hour. I woke up at 10.30pm, ate some pineapples and coke (yeap, I have no discipline whatsoever in my food consumption), and went back to my room and start youtubing Tina Fey. Yes ladies and gentlemen, I am officially in love with Tina Fey. She is so freaking funny. I do blame myself for not keeping in time on Sunday mornings to watch NBC's Saturday Night Live but, well, thank those geeky innovators for You Tube! Enjoy this interview with David Lettermen, she's a natural comic, most definitely!

Now I want to get me the boxset for 30 Rock. I only started watching the sitcom a few weeks back and think that I have a lot of catching up to do. But I've always enjoyed watching Tina Fey on SNL and thanked Muid for downloading SNLs (now I know what I'll be watching tonight. I'll save the excitement of Amazing Race for Saturday since we'll be having the screening with Ida, Tania and Henry).

I slept at 1am last night (again!) and woke up for sahur at 4.45am, went back to sleep at 5.45am until Muid wake me up at 8am (or was it abah whom I saw making a cameo at my door?). Wow, what a relief that I managed to catch up on my sleeping. But I was a bit mad because I was hoping to keep my subuh prayers at least during Ramadhan. Sent Muid to the old KTM in KL for him to catch the bus to Penang. Have fun in Penang Muid!!!

I need to do more in my life. Its like burning inside, this wanting for more desire of mine.

Of course, Nell told me that she laughed like hell when she got to know I actually registered a profile in I told her, right after I did that, it occured to me that I'm not that kind of person. I don't go out on dates let alone one night stands or whatever. I will befriend, have a crush, fall for someone and thats it. If it didn't work out, I'll keep the friendship.

Thats what mattered most. Friendship. Although the past had taught me well, I am most grateful for the ones I have. I've made a lot of friends this year, and I came to fall deeply in love with the existing ones more and more each day. These are the people who will be godmothers and godfathers for my children.

Those who loves me regardless who I am and what I do in life. Those who wouldn't hesitate to smack the shit out of me and yet hold my hands and hug me tightly.

A friend said that she hit a point where she doesn't know what she wants in life and why she has the people in her life.

I told her its just a phase, that made us questions all these things.

I told Nell and a few others previously. Quoting Jean-luc Godard's Breathless movie, in one scene where Patricia (Jean Seberg) interviewed a guy and asked him what his ambitions were. He took a moment before he answered.

"To be immortal. Then Die".

I think thats how you should live life. As if you're immortal. Then when death comes by, you have nothing to lose.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Its been a lazy Saturday

I thought I could start fasting today but I guess not, so I didn't. Well, tomorrow, InsyaAllah.

I spent the whole night last night chatting with Sue Anna who got really excited for her Garage Band mix and borrowed my "If I Were Your Sun" poem to mix it up as a song. Cool huh. And I remembered once upon a time some fellow blogger said my poems could be song lyrics and now, voila, thanks to Anna, you all can view and listen it here and make comments. Good or bad, up to you, we're just experimenting and having fun with it.

Although I do wish we could both jam together and create better tunes for it.

So, last night I took out my guitar from its cover and start strumming it. Of course, after not being touched for 4 years, the strings have run out of tune. I think I should bring it to Prakash and have him tune my guitar for me.

Today, woke up by the sound of text messages coming in my phone, Dina vented out on her stupid make-up for last night's Latte@8. She told me that her stylist friends were all screaming furiously when they saw her make-up which actually made her look like a tranny. I haven't watch it yet but Oya managed to record it and promised to upload in on Facebook.

Oh, and I don't really like the new Facebook layout. It gets quite confusing. No no. I don't really like it. I need my old facebook back. Yeap, I sound like I'm resistant to change.

Last Thursday night, I was invited to celebrate Johan's birthday at his home and Matt brought a whole basket of frieworks. Walaweyyy, there we were, a bunch of late 20s and 30s, playing bunga api like kids in front of Johan's house. I got it on video tho, haven't edit it yet. But it was so fun. After iftar, before the fireworks, we had a fag session and managed to talk about life and being mugged and robbed and lots of things. Good bonding session with Iskandar, Edri, LJ, Mizie, Nik Waa and the rest. Prakash and Jolene came a bit later so didn't manage to catch up with them cos I had to head home by 9.30pm. But its okay cos I meet Prakash and Jolene every other week.

And last Wednesday night, we had iftar with Oya, Emi, Teejay, Fatin, Shah, Lina, Donna and the other lots. I fetched Farah from her office and went together with her. It was great, the car rides with Farah is of course, memorable and laughing our ass off all the way. Fighting over ridiculous stuff and all. When two sarcastic buddies come together, there's nothing that can stop us. I was laughing so hard while driving until I think they should put that under DUI as well. Farah is indeed my drug, much needed of course.

Tuesday night we had birthday drinks for Ron's 21st birthday and I enjoy teasing him as usual. But of course since its Ramadhan, I only got drunk over Coke. Hahahahahaha. Next time, next time.

Thats just about it. Its 4.31pm and I need to shower since I've been in bed the whole day. Think my folks are pretty mad at me. Going to redeem it by taking the kids to Bazaar Ramadhan in Bandar Baru Selayang. And do check out my latest project that I'm brave enough to post here.

We are the mirror as well as the face in it.

We are tasting the taste this minute of eternity.

We are pain and what cures pain both.

We are the sweet cold water and the jar that pours.

I want to hold you close like a lute so we can cry out with loving.

You would rather throw stones at a mirror?

I am your mirror, and here are the stones.

- Jalaluddin Rumi

Fynaz said I should work out more since my biceps does not look well-toned yet. Okayla, maybe I should do more sit-ups and pumpings and whatever.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

the first time ever


*chuckles* Hi.

What's so funny?

Nothing. Its you.

Yes, Its me.

*silence* *smile*

Have you been waiting for me?

Should I?

Yes, you should.


Because ... I came here just for you.

Was it a promise made to me, you coming here?

No. It was a promise I made to myself.

So. Now. We're here.

I'm here. That was my promise to myself. But are you here?

What do you mean?

Do you want to be here? With me?

Yes. I do.




*giggles* Hi. I'm Love. And you are?

I'm You.


Monday, September 08, 2008

Sunday Night Live

Okay, its Sunday night. After a couple of hours laughing with friends, I came back having a sappy chat with a friend. Whom both of us discussed the shitty love life we had. Despite the gap of experiences between us, we both had our respective fair share of heartbreaks.

A well-known multitasker I am, I was clicking some Facebook application at the same time. Which led me to this one "Love Calculator" site. Wow. How ironic. Love Calculator. Is my subconscious trying to tell me something?

Anyways, Step One, pick your gender. Done. Step two, pick your horoscope. Done. Step three, put in your name. Done. I stuck at Step four. The name of your love interest.

What the F does it mean? The one who I fell in love with and broke my heart? Or the most recent crush which I actually stop feeling for? What else can better have blissfully end my sappy weekend if not this?

So, I took a while and wrote this. Okay, I've decided to put Angelina Jolie. Hahahaha. One I will always love and have interest with to eternity. Hahaha.

Step 4, love interest name. Angelina Jolie. Done. Step five, mobile number. Done. What the F? A bloody sms scam to ask to subscribe???????????

Thanked god I put in Angelina Jolie. Okay, I'm done. Enjoy your week people. I'm off to watch Notes on a Scandal. I heart Cate Blanchett, think she's a helluva great actress (did you watch her in "I'm Not There" ??? superb performance I tell ya!). Don't do facebook love calculator okay guys. Full of shit and scam I tell ya.

And anyone who have "Away From Her", could you lend it to me???? Puhlease owh please??????


Updated at 2.47am

People languish for years with partners who are clearly from another planet. We want so much to believe that we've found our other. It takes courage to recognise the real as opposed to the convenient.
Barbara Covett (Dame Judi Dench)

Never had I watched a movie with such intensity. Obsession. Desire. Lust. Possession. Intimacy. Adultery. Seduction. Betrayal. Wow wow and wow.

Of course, I've expected nothing less from Cate Blanchett. I adore her. In this movie, obsession spelled right through it. Sick obsession of course. But one who has been obsessed with someone would know, refering to myself, that is.

Watching Dame Judi Dench being obsessed to lure someone to becoming her life partner. Seeing Cate Blanchett doing it with a 15 year-old. In just one movie. It might be a bit too much. But one thing for sure, through out the movie, you'll have a gripping feeling of wanting to understand why everyone emote such strong feelings.

One who has been in a scandal would understand. I myself has been in one. A scandal I must never reveal. A scandal not deemed to be called a relationship, but entangled with such strong feelings of want, need, possession, companionship. What differ me from the plot is that I don't keep it in a journal, I put it in my poetries.

In the end, confession to truth releases you from being chained and trapped in that cage that damned to endless guilt.

This movie leaves you feeling disturbed a bit. But like I said, those who are once involved in a scandal, would understand how the writers can write such a very disturbingly complicated screenplay.

Saturday, September 06, 2008

For the one I always remember

Dear Beloved,

There never was a day I didn't think of you. Of what I could have done to not destroy this, to not push you away from me. Everyday I ponder on those things we have shared. Those little things, that made up a special bond between us. Even though in the end, its easier to think that I was never the person you love. That what I thought was love, is actually some sympathy you've shown in respect to what I've tried to convince myself.

A few days back, a friend posted a picture with a song. A song that made think of you. Of what I should wish you instead of breaking your heart with hurt and pain. What I should do was to walk away before it came to that. To that moment you left me without goodbye. What I should do before I blame people that made you left me. At times I wanted to cry. I miss you so much. I have vowed to not fall in love again. I want to avoid it from happening again. Because I can't see myself loving anyone else as much as I love you, and I can't bear to hurt anyone else as much as I've hurt you and I don't think I can accept rejection again, as much as you have rejected the love I wanted to give to you.

But as for today, all I wanted to do is this. Today, I wish you love.

"I Wish You Love" by Rachel Yamagata

I wish you bluebirds in the spring
To give your heart a song to sing
And then a kiss, but more than this
I wish you love

And in July a lemonade
To cool you in some leafy glade
I wish you health
And more than wealth
I wish you love

My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So with my best
My very best
I set you free

I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love

My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So with my best
My very best
I set you free

I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love