The Cosmic Wise and Crappy Words

Monday, April 13, 2009

The Vow

Do you date?

No, I don't. Do I need to date?

Well, everyone looks for love.

No, maybe not me. Maybe I don't know. Maybe there's no one for me. Maybe. But, frankly speaking, I don't care. I do appear like a fucked up emotional person, but I realised, all I have time for is work, trying to please my parents, trying to make amends for not being home enough, trying to accommodate friends here and there and trying to survive.

What if someone comes up to you and tell you they like you?

I doubt there's any.

Don't you want to be with someone?

I am very insecure. I don't think I'm a girlfriend-material type of person. Everyone loves to hangout with me, but they're scared of dating me, I guess.


Because I want more. I want companionship and equal partnership. Something people around me don't believe anymore. Its more like a sexual lovey dovey experience when dating is concerned. Its more like being socially accepted and trying to fit in.

Have you been in love? You sound so skeptical about it.

I have, yes. In the most deep way. We found comfort in partnership, being at the same intellectual level, understanding the same things we face, and believing in each other's dream and passion.

Then what happened?

Then it became too good to be true and somehow, it seems unattainable.

How is it too good to be true?

Because we lost the spark. We became 2 people who complements each other, who trusts each other so much until I got too comfortable not fighting for what I want.

So then, trust is overrated in this case?

No, it was misused. By both parties.

How are you going to move on if you're not letting go?

I have moved on. I let go. But apparently, I don't find the need to stop anywhere anymore. They all wanted something I can't give. And they are not willing to give something that I want.

Can you live a life without even flings?

Flings are tiring.

Are you sexually deprived then?

No, I'm celibate ... for now.

Are you looking for someone?

It'll be nice to have someone. But for now, I'm nobody's find.

But people do find happiness in love.

I wish them all the best. I respect those who does, I wish for the best of love between them and their loved ones. I'm too insecure for love. Hence I became a skeptic. But thats my own take. Some people believe in God, some people don't, thats their own take. Mine is this. I believe in love, but its not for me yet.

Do you think all this negativity about love is somehow sending a negative aura that blocks love from coming your way?

Everything happens for a reason.

And what might your reason be?

That I'm a troublesome 26 year old who have dual personality issue to come up with such a conversation with this voice in my head and document it in my blog.

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Thursday, May 03, 2007

growing pains

do you grow up in love?

do you let love grow up in you?

do you grow up with the thought that love is a happy ending occasion?
(are you for real?? hehehe)

I let love grew up in me and I grow to love what love brings to me.

I grew fond of the person and the comfort grow between us.

I see myself a lot when I love someone. I see the better side of me. I end up loving myself.

Its true when Rumi wrote:

If I love myself
I love you.
If I love you
I love myself.

The pain comes when I needed space. Space between us meaning space between me and myself. And I'm utterly lost. Lost in the space I claimed I needed.

I'm not saying that loving someone might lead to vanity or narcissism.

When love and comfort grew between you and the beloved, filling up the space and distance, when you decided to take it all away, emptying the space, it felt like letting a boat float without an anchor.

I just finished watching "Playing by Heart" and I'd like to share part of the movie with you. I know its an old movie from 1998, but I adore Angelina Jolie so much so this is the line when she first appear in the movie:

I have a friend,
a jazz musician, trumpet player.

Really terrific. And I go
and hear him jam every month or so.

And he plays this piece I love:
an old Chet Baker song.

And he blows the same notes every time,
but every time it sounds different.

And we had drinks one night--
when I used to drink--

and I tried to tell him
how that song made me feel...

how the music made me feel
and how his playing made me feel.

And he just kept shakin'
his head, and he said...

"Joan, you can't talk about music.

Talking about music is like
dancing about architecture."

I just said, "Well, gonna
get all philosophical on me.

It's just as pointless as
talking about a lot of things.

Love, for instance."

And my friend laughed, and he said,
"Definitely. Most definitely.

Talking about love is
like dancing about architecture."

So I don't know.
He might be right.

But it ain't gonna stop me from trying.
Neat huh. Enjoy your day folks. Its back to work!
(btw, have you check my flickr? hehehehehehehe .....)


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Wednesday, April 11, 2007

the roamer beats her tiny drums


its for the best.

I'm tired of being a nice girl, being called a nice girl and being taken as a nice girl.

Its tiring.

To have people think that you're a nice girl, and dependable. That you're someone everyone relies on to. That people would expect you to do the good things. That people expect you to be responsible, reliable, dependable.

Its tiring when all those people who thought of me that way, they aren't all those, and they depended on me. They expect that they can depend on me.

I get tired of being the rock.

I get tired of being the one committed to something, responsible for something.

I get tired of being the bigger person, the older person, especially for those older than me.

Because ...

I have no space for mistakes. I have no space for vulnerability. I have no space for sin.

And its not fair for me.

I can't get angry cos people assume I'm not the angry type. When I do get angry, people took it as me being ridiculously unwise.

And its not fair for me.


Lately, I rebel.

By not being the nice person that I am.

And I made some worried, I left some confused, and I hurt others.

Funnily, I felt guiltless. I didn't think its wrong.


Its tiring to be wise, composed and patient all the time.

It felt good, yes.

But its not fair for me.


I know people would think that this is the wrong move that I make, the wrong choices.

I'd say fuck off and let me have my time of making mistakes, making the wrong decisions and making the wrong choices.

I got tired of giving sane advices, wise guidances, keeping everyone composed, taming the temper of those in anger, making amends to wrongdoings done by others.


It gets tiring when all this involved the people I loved most.

It gets tiring not being appreciated enough for the sacrifices you've made, for the abundant, if not endless, amount of love that you gave.


some people, they don't tell that they love you often.

some people, they don't tell that they miss you often.

though they do.

I say, its time for me, the wrong, sinful, tempered me, to say
"fuck off. I'm tired. And give me space."



Friday, March 23, 2007

trying to understand

Recently, a blogger friend's mother just passed away. We hope God bless her soul and give strength to the family to carry on life. We pray to different God, but we share the same feelings, the same grief, and we hold hands when we need comfort, regardless.

I've always pictured how life would be if I were put in that situation, losing someone I love so much.

Someone whom I rarely tell her how much I love her.

Someone whom I constantly go to, and sleeps under her armpits, even at the age of 24.

I'm the kind of person who's spoilt with affection, not luxury or material.

I'm not embarassed to say that I demanded to be breastfed until I was 8. Just becos I love the fact that I would be on my mom's lap, in her arms.

A friend once heard me speaking to my mom, and she said she liked the way how I speaks to my mom, there's a certain charming way that was noticeable. But it was sad when I remembered there were MORE times when I sarcastically raised my voice to my mom.

We should all remind each other while we remind ourselves.

We should all remind ourselves what others went through.

In life, we take note.

Not just by jotting it down on papers, not by making mental notes.

But carving it permanently in our hearts.

So when times the papers went missing,

or the mind fails to retrieve.

We feel something in our hearts.

I actually have a date tonight. After so long. But, suddenly, I felt like cuddling under my mom's armpit while watching tv. That shud be the best.

*tearing up.*

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Tuesday, March 13, 2007

the thought

sometimes, its quite heartbreaking ... when someone you love so much, tells you that they're lonely. you just wanted to scream to their faces telling "I'M HERE!!!"

sometimes, its quite unfair ... to tell someone who you know loves you so much, confesses their love to you constantly, that you're lonely and in need of love.

I had those heartbreaking moments.

I have yet to be unfair to others (not that I know off) becos they haven't confess their love to me, not even once (let alone constantly).



Monday, February 26, 2007

how it feels like

its like ...

you've found the door. the one that you've been searching for. and you have these bunch of keys in front of you.

you patiently try one by one, key by key, to open the door.

sets after sets.

then, you went to search for another drawer of keys.


one by one.

not giving up.

you really want to know whats at the other side of the door.

they told you great stories about it.

you try .... patiently. with determination.

you're not giving up.

no, not yet.

you want to kick the door open.

but the door is too nice to be harm.

so you try another drawer. incase the key you're looking for would be there. another set of keys. more patience. more time consumed.

you're not giving up. not yet.

in hope that the stories are real.

in hope that the patience worth everything.

you're not giving up. not just yet.


thats how you feel like .... when you found someone you can't have.



Tuesday, February 13, 2007

with a sleepy eye

in life, you tend to take many things for granted.

and sometimes, you've become ignorant.

in life, you get too caught up with beauty and the need to be near to perfection, your eyes fail to notice the wonderful small things.

and sometimes, you've become blind.

but there would be someone, the least person you'd expect to see, saw the small things.

small things that you actually need to have that little smile. once again.

I lost some trust from some friends. I gained some appreciation from others.

its useless to work or make up for something people deemed you're unworthy of.

and its priceless to know that you meant so much to someone you never thought you'd be.

with my sleepy eyes, I write this down.

hearing the voice saying, "abby, you really are a true friend. only a true friend would notice that"

as the voice blocked another voice. another voice which torn my emotions. yet make my heart grew with love in the most painful manner. painful, the one I've caused by my very own self.

if I write too much of love, maybe its my nature.
if I write too less of other issues, doesn't mean I'm ignorant.
if I write things that are too personal, doesn't mean I'm transparent.
if I write things that are too insignificant, doesn't mean that I'm not attentive.

we all live with a facade, some calls them "denial", some calls them "privacy" and some calls them "disguises".

are we all, those in the above groups, are hypocrites in life?

people say I contradict myself all the times, I get too defensive and I don't value privacy.

its useless to explain to critics who doesn't want to hear explanation.


Thursday, January 25, 2007

then, there was me

its been a while now since I wrote something I can relate to. its been awhile since I relate to anything, especially, the one inside me, the inner soul. life have taken me on a fast drive. I told ibah yesterday, these few days, my life motto is "work first, live later".

no, I'm indeed not a workaholic. but it just happen that every beginners need to prove themselves, if not to others, but to their own selves.

this is my moment to prove my worthiness.

that I'm worthy of the monthyly paycheque. meaning to say, I still can contribute my energy, my love and anything I can do to help also to provide labour and services to my foundation.

that I'm worthy of the trust. meaning to say, I can still be a weekend daughter and a good sister for the family. And at nights as I got back at home, I'll find a couple of minutes to catch up with my younger siblings. its hard, since I helped in raising them up, they've been my babies. So, just to know that Afis loves eating nasi lemak at his canteen and that he have to race for the nasi lemak with telur goreng that cost RM1 rather than buying the normal nasi lemak which costs 80cents. And Fiqah have been courted by a Form Three guy who thought she is from a mixed parentage (which she nodded and smiled secretly and her co-curiculum activities (which I promised to get her a nice pair of basketball shoes since she joined the basketball club). Its just nice, lying down and laughing with them. Yes, I do come home around 10pm every night, but the nights catching up with the kids and goodbye kisses from my parents in the morning, I hope that they trust my commitment towards the family.

that I'm worthy of the friendship. meaning to say, every now and then, I'll find time to sms and call my friends even though I complaint how tired and busy I am. I'll squeeze in time to run to meet them once awhile.

that I'm worthy of the faith. meaning to say, despite my ignorance and not being extra religious or extra pious, I'm already proud that I'm doing good, trying hard to keep to my prayers and koran reciting, the fact that I pray for the people around me more than I pray for myself. of all things, I pray that God bless those who cared to shower me with love. and I pray that I have a calm heart through all the adversities in life.

proving one's worthiness, is not to announce to the world, I know. As this blog was meant for me to remind myself and being a selfless person, as I remind myself, there's no harm to also share so that people would b reminded too, if they wish to acknowledge it.

everyday I question my worthiness as for the ones stated above. I'm not proving myself for my employer, family, friend and of course not God. God will know, regardless. But I question myself as to prove to myself.

people have been so nice, my employers, my family, my friends, God have been so Gracious in giving such a good life. Am I worthy of all thats been given to me.

Thats when I sit down and cry. No, I didn't cry. I just wanted to cry so badly.

No, I'm not a workaholic. There's nothing workaholic about reaching the office at 7.30am, not taking any lunch break, leaving the office around 8-9.30pm, and still thinking of work and talking about work while at home. Thats normal. And I still have time to blog, read blogs and chat.

So NO, I'm not a workaholic.


Friday, January 19, 2007

things u can feel but can't see

they call it intangible.

I call it energy. cosmic energy.

there are a lot of things that make me smile since yesterday.

corresponding via email with a certain friend who can't post comments on blogger due to some dinding api at his workplace.

commenting in a certain storyteller's blog.

taking pictures at a certain event regarding the historical journey of spices. (its been awhile since I played with my digicam)

making new acquaintances who later I can call friends.

meeting someone who I thought was 27 until she said she have 2 kids and she graduated from uni in 1995 (blardy hell, I just entered high school at that time) and she said a career in public relations have made her look young always, hence telling me I chose the right career.

seeing all the tan sris and datos having teh tarik sitting by the fountain at the Islamic Arts Museum, and now they look like normal men who enjoys teh tarik even kat tepi bucu jalan rather than corporate moguls.

meeting my girl Farah for hangout. some strong mocha and some nantucket and we went totally high on laughter and ridiculous talks (why are we single? how can we handle ourselves having boyfriends? I want to be single and take care of my parents and younger siblings! we're not made for love!).

chatting with some friends I haven't chatted online with for a long long time.

making friends with the workers in starbucks pusat bandar damansara, very nice people.

getting calls from someone I terribly miss. (",)

and returning calls to someone I terribly miss. (",)

talking to someone I terribly miss before shutting my eyes. (",)

kissing both of my parents before I leave for work.

dancing in the car (yes, you can do that).

checking my inbox at the office and smiled. something touch my heart.

chatted with farisa. miss her so so so so much. remembering her call, few days back, and she can talk so fast that an hour phone conversation can cover 3 months weekend hangouts. hahahaha.

sharing things with those I care and trusting those I care and seeing those I care succeed in their journey.

my goodnight hug with afis. I lay on top of his chest. he have one hand hugging me and like a grown up man he asked "kak yang ni dah basuh tangan ke?". I put my head on his chest. and had some talks with my younger sister afiqah. she's 14. the age when she needed a sister who doesn't meddle with her life, but who occasionally spend time to talk to. they've grown up so much. afis was doing fergie dance (the one from the fergilicious vclip).

funny thing.

I cant see myself smiling.

but I can feel it.

its the energy. the love energy. and I want to cry becos I appreciate it so much I dont know why.

why do I need love?

its all around me. I just close my eyes and feel it and smile.

I told farisa. in love, its not about time. no, I hate it, too many people saying "it takes time"

I say - "all you need is space".

not time, but space.

when you have the space. then you will know what to fill it with. and that would be your choice.

there are people I want to hug so much. right now. should be good. its getting colder in the office. I need a warm loving hug. (",)



Thursday, January 11, 2007

a breather, needed.

In the words of Lao Zi

Men must show that he is pliant and not tough. Man must appear to be guileless and not shrewed. Man must have no motives and no desires; be selfless and self-effacing, pure-minded and natural...

student : Generally people believe that it is good to be tough.

Lao Zi : That which is hard is brittle; it breaks easily. That which is pliant endures. For example, what is the hardest thing in your body? What is the softest?

student : My teeth are the hardest and my tongue is the softest!

Lao Zi : You see, at my age my teeth have all gone yet my tongue is still perfect.
Isn't the big tree stronger than the grass?

student : Yes.

Lao Zi : When the typhoon comes, the big tree is uprooted, yet the little grass remains unscathed.

Just a simple breather for Thursday. (",) I'm coping fine. I mean, thanks for all your support. I know its not right to make anything personal here. But, as I write things, I could be a faker, it could be total fiction. And if it is, then I must be very good at creating stories, right, becos I could convey the right emotions.

A visitor recently said she is my biggest fan. Thanks, its flattering. But no, I'm not worth the fame. Nor the admiration. Becos I've learnt, I'm not worth the love.

But this post is supposed to be a breather. And my comments are fictional as they can get. I write from the heart. But sometimes, the heart can lie. You'll never know. Heh.

Even if you claim the heart don't lie. Mine does. Pretty well in fact.

And no, I'm not a smartypants. I'm just 'smart and organized'.