on second thoughts

I must apologise for all the vulgar words written in my previous post, and all the negative energy transmitted out.

after writing it, I took a long breath, inhaled and exhaled, and found my chi.

I don't like negativity. I told Salmi, that, if I bumped into those unfortunate souls and they were dying on the street, saya masih tidak busuk hati lantas menelefon ambulans.

being an instant bitch, is infact, instant and quick and for a short period of time.

those who knows me know that I'm the least person who can go mad or angry about anything. my only outlet of rage and wrath is through sarcasm.

with warm regards,
abby.

building up confidence

I know this is endless, again and again, I kept of pathetically bore you with my lame ass stories of how my confidence was shattered by the help of some unfortunate souls on earth.

well, quite recently one of those unfortunate souls came back haunting my life.

he saw my profile, and add me a comment, which, thanked god, under moderation so it was up for me to approve or not. he said something about "do you remember me, I budak mrsm tdk, ala, sherry. you dulu sekolah .... " bla bla bla.

I was a bit stunned for a moment, surprised the next, later got disgusted. how dare these people, thinking they can just dropby with some shit ass comment as if they know me. yes, I am a bitch, I'm not nice. I deleted the comment and felt miserably bad, called my friend Alin (refer previous post), eventually woke her up in the middle of the afternoon to share my disgust for like 3 minutes before I rushed off for a meeting. ( I bet Alin was a bit surprised herself to hear me screaming and ranting for a quick 3 minutes, hahaha). Later that night, she called me up and we talked about 2 hours condemning this poor unfortunate souls.

yes, I can be a bitch in an instant. no need to add warm water or whatever. no need 3 minutes. within seconds, I can be a very cynical sarcastic bitch.

but believe me, if you experienced what I had, you either

a. committed suicide (provided you're a pretty emotional teenager who lives within the need of social acceptance)

b. broke down (within 5 months from spm)

c. hate men for the rest of your life (uhuh, well, I know men taste good, at least some men does, so I rather not, hahahaha ...)

d. be a very cynical sarcastic bitch like me, in an instant!

okay ... so it was days until I came across a blog entry by my dear senior who wrote about the same experiences faced by her friend, in the same school at the same time, but of course, different batch. I wrote a comment stating how ironic it was to be reading the post when I am, at that time, came across a past who purposely come haunting me back.

she asked me

Abby dearie!

I was actually wondering (and I forgot to ask), which piece of your past came haunting u when u came across my blog entry?

If u dun mind sharing!

I replied

just some guys back from maktab tracking me back thru friendster, thinking that just becos they were young and immature, what they've done in the past is forgivable. I don't think so. I personally think, if at a very young age, you can manage to feel guiltless calling people "babi", "pantat" and so forth, you are just the same today, your mentality won't change. its like a rapist saying he knew not better to rape a 5 years old 10 years ago, and now he has change. to me, thats all bullshit.

being young and immature is no excuse to ruin people's life. the brain god gave you is the same then as it is now. sorry I got carried away, this is why I try not to explain. hehehehehe ...

after I replied to her comment requesting the explanation, I had the urged of telling this to that sucker. so I did.

I messaged him on friendster.

salaam.

"I came a LONG WAY from inferiority complex thanks to the guys I went to school with. Don't take shit from those dickheads these days. I just enjoy my music, my beloved friends and my guilty pleasures. Period. and I'm happy."

Awak adalah antara lelaki di maktab yang saya takkan lupa menjerit memanggil saya "Abby Babi" dan juga antara mereka yang menghantar surat layang kepada saya menyatakan "kenapa muka kau buruk macam pantat, macam babi."

I forgive you although you didn't apologise. Mungkin ketika itu seronok memanggil seorang budak perempuan yang hodoh dengan perkataan "buruk", "pantat" dan "babi".

Saya takkan tulis dalam bahasa inggeris lagi, mungkin awak takkan faham. Cuma nak jelaskan keadaan ini. Mungkin, suatu hari, anak perempuan awak akan menghadapi situasi sebegini, dipanggil babi dan pantat. ketika itu, bersedialah untuk berkata "abah dulu pun macam tu, biasalah budak lelaki nak have fun". Senyumlah ketika anak perempuan awak menghadapi satu tahap di dalam hidupnya yang dia fikir dia adalah memang "babi" berupa "pantat" yang tidak layak dilihat semua lelaki di dalam dunia.

Sekian, wassalam.


it took him 1 week to reply, with some lame ass english (mine isnt that good either but his was worst!)

huhu.. nvm.. i forgot about it already.. well, im sorry for everything i've done.. at the age of 25 years old, im regret for whatever i did in the past especially when im totally sux & immatured time.. well its up to u wether u want accept me or not.. i just wanna start a new life and forget the past.. let me introduce myself, my name is sharizal.. nice to know u.. ^_^ ..

okay. what the fuck did he meant by saying "nvm"????? he has no reason to make immaturity to be the excuse of calling me "babi", "muka macam pantat", "hodoh nak mampos" etc. even if my "muka macam pantat" pun, ada ke I embarass dia?????

my high school years was spent feeling miserable, thinking I don't deserve even to look at boys, for the whole 4 years.

it took me a lot of patience, tolerance, to not break down, to move on, to grow up and to learn what is confidence.

even without being trashed, people have been struggling to gain confidence of themselves, and I, have tried, the best, my best, to be where I am, to not even understand the concept of social acceptance and enjoying it, but also to be at the forefront, giving speeches, being emcees, forum moderators, facilitators, leaders and whatnot.

I spent the entire night having dinner with my girl salmi and blurting things out. when she pointed out how serious the subject was and how it was really hard gaining confidence after what had happened to me, I realised why I am so pissed off, why I deserved to be pissed of and why, I am allowed and feel guiltless of being a cynical sarcastic bitch.

its not easy building up confidence when you had yours smashed down to the ground, and you bent down, picking up the pieces, putting it back together until it looks so damn perfect to be back on top of the shelves.

in form 3, I had my name carved at another class's noticeboard stating "akma, kau tu buruk, buat apa kau kawan dengan budak budak cantik".

in form 3, they burnt my desk wrapper and all the stuff I had under that wrapper.

in form 4, they put in my test papers that I failed to answer correct "dah la buruk, bodoh pulak tu".

in form 5, they gave me a letter stating "hey, apsal kau buruk sangat huh? dah la muka macam babi, macam pantat pun ada. hoi, dah nak spm ni, jadi la babi yang educated sikit"

and I had the nerve to reply back the letter, asking why did they do all this to me, what have I done wrong and why can't they think if these things ever happen to their mother, sisters, how would they feel?

they took my letter, and during night prep, they stand in front of the class, "eyh, korang nak dengar tak aku baca satu surat ni", read my letter out loud and laughed their asses off.

I didn't do anything, I sat and cried all the way till I left the school. I had trouble adjusting to environment with boys. I felt terribly ugly all the time.

now you tell me, have I done good building up my confidence? or was it forgivable for them as they grew up? is that an excuse to treat me like that? being young and immature? is that an excuse?

btw guys, if you did this when you were in school, track that girl back and apologise. before she curse your family to hell. becos I did. I cursed their family to hell!

.

to being safe. to being on air. to being gorgeous.

abby and alin

So, she's leaving on a jetplane. literally. I didn't give her any farewell gift. let me give this poem, for f*%# sake. heh.

----- # -----

to being safe
like the secure feeling that I feel
when I hug you so dearly
and I feel you so close to me.

to being on air
not just on the airplane
but as a guiding soul who looks after
when I'm lost and in need of guidance.

to being gorgeous
not with superficiality in the world
but the beauty of the soul
that you have beneath that tender smile of yours.

its weird, we don't meet that much
its funny, we don't talk that much
but thats no excuse to not love you as much
and thats no excuse to not miss you this much.

----- # -----

those were my final toast as we raised our glasses and see each other's smiles. they look around for someone with the right final words. I look around, glanced towards her and ended up staring at the glasses high up touching each other. I spoke out loud.

To Alin. to being safe. to being on air. to being gorgeous.

See you in a few months time babe. I love you so much!

.

a sulker

please read it correctly, sul-ker, not sucker okay! heh.

sulk /sʌlk/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciati[suhlk] –verb (used without object)

1.	to remain silent or hold oneself aloof in a sullen, ill-humored, or offended mood: Promise me that you won't sulk if I want to leave the party early.

–noun

2.	a state or fit of sulking.

3.	sulks, ill-humor shown by sulking: to be in the sulks.

4.	Also, sulker. a person who sulks.

Source courtesy of Dictionary.com [http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/sulk]

well, maybe I'm both. who knows. I suck, at times. and I have this personal habit of sucking my thumb. well, okay, you can read it wrongly, its still true about me anyways.

so, I sulk. yes, its only human to sulk.

but I guess, you can only sulk with the people you love.

it would be pretty weird to start sulking towards a stranger. he/she will be like "WTF???"

sometimes, its supposed to be a flattery attempt, to show that you actually love the other person, that you actually care.

in other ways, yes, totally annoying to be sulking all the time. I'd give a bitch-slap to a sulker too. a pathetic whining sulker that is.

its tiring to explain to a sulker, I know so because I am a sulker and I am also someone who likes to explain.

I know there's no obligation in explaining yourself. First and foremost, I am actually a very shy and quiet person (I know tons are peeing themselves laughing to this). I am. Honestly. Heh.

Okay, I know thats bull. But put me in some new environment and with a lot of chatty people, I stay quiet and observant. I don't speak my mind too much, hence the blog, the only outlet where I can write everything down.

so, sulking wouldn't be a problem when all I have to do is to remain silent and eat my own heart out for the fact that I am indeed guilty of judging without proof, then sulk.

I think, I should not sulk anymore. Okay, maybe thats too much to ask. Maybe, I shouldn't sulk too much. Less sulking. More thinking wisely. But remain silent. Yes. Most definitely.

I'm not the "into your face" type of person. When I get angry, I remain silent. When I sulk, I remain silent. When I think someone I love is so beautiful and nice, I remain silent.

Yes, I have the right to remain silent. Because everything I said, will be used against me in the court of law. This is proven true. Everything have the tendency of backfiring when this stupid sarcastic mouth of mine opens.

This time, I should apologise for sulking with no apparent reason. And stop making stupid assumptions that might lead me to sulk for no apparent reason.

Then, if I sulk somemore, I am indeed a sucker.

.

growing pains

do you grow up in love?

do you let love grow up in you?

do you grow up with the thought that love is a happy ending occasion?
(are you for real?? hehehe)

I let love grew up in me and I grow to love what love brings to me.

I grew fond of the person and the comfort grow between us.

I see myself a lot when I love someone. I see the better side of me. I end up loving myself.

Its true when Rumi wrote:

If I love myself
I love you.
If I love you
I love myself.

The pain comes when I needed space. Space between us meaning space between me and myself. And I'm utterly lost. Lost in the space I claimed I needed.

I'm not saying that loving someone might lead to vanity or narcissism.

When love and comfort grew between you and the beloved, filling up the space and distance, when you decided to take it all away, emptying the space, it felt like letting a boat float without an anchor.

I just finished watching "Playing by Heart" and I'd like to share part of the movie with you. I know its an old movie from 1998, but I adore Angelina Jolie so much so this is the line when she first appear in the movie:

[Joan]
I have a friend,
a jazz musician, trumpet player.
               
Really terrific. And I go
and hear him jam every month or so.
               
And he plays this piece I love:
an old Chet Baker song.
               
And he blows the same notes every time,
but every time it sounds different.
               
And we had drinks one night--
when I used to drink--
               
and I tried to tell him
how that song made me feel...
               
how the music made me feel
and how his playing made me feel.
               
And he just kept shakin'
his head, and he said...
               
"Joan, you can't talk about music.
               
Talking about music is like
dancing about architecture."
               
I just said, "Well, gonna
get all philosophical on me.
               
It's just as pointless as
talking about a lot of things.
               
Love, for instance."
               
And my friend laughed, and he said,
"Definitely. Most definitely.
               
Talking about love is
like dancing about architecture."
               
So I don't know.
He might be right.

But it ain't gonna stop me from trying.

Neat huh. Enjoy your day folks. Its back to work!
(btw, have you check my flickr? hehehehehehehe .....)

...

Back to Nature: the Kampung Girl

okay, before you start to imagine me berkemban in my kain batik throwing a pail of cold water upon my face in slow motion in an airy outdoor bathroom with zinc walls, here, I have to disappoint you by stating that Opah's house has water heater and an indoor bathroom for almost 2 decades now and I haven't been showering in kain batik for quite some time and even if I do ... errr ... I might not keep them on until I finish showerin. hehe (woah, I might start a new imagination all together there!)

anyways, the journey back was quite good, an escapade from the busy urban life, late night hangouts, coffees, caffeine, coke, nicotine, alcohol, dancing, and pretty much the like. once awhile, I am actually innocent. heh. we pushed off after breakfast, around 11am (yes, after mama watched a couple of movies on HBO while waiting for us. hehehe)

the must have

We arrived at Batu Gajah and stopped by my aunt's place at Kampung Sg. Terap for lunch. Its been awhile since I really had a kampung meal and nasi putih panas + gulai tempoyak + sambal tempoyak is just, woah, mengenyangkan seh! seriously, I even tambah nasi. Hahaha. And if you really know me, I'm not so much of an eater, friends have this problem of making sure I finish the food on my plate and I know some during my campus life, who would advise me and make sure I take my lunch. And getting kisses from my 18 year-old cousin, who, like my youngest brother, are very much spoilt by us. Everytime I meet him, he will come up, give me a big hug (he's 5'8" now) and kissed me passionately on both cheeks like a loving brother. I would play with his hair and give him a rub on the shoulders. Yeah. We're pretty much pampered at home. It runs in the blood.

We left my aunt's place and dropped by my dad's house at Kampung Sentang in Batu Gajah. The house was built originally for my dad's retirement but we had to rent it out so that someone would look after it since colonel decided to stick around KL for a few more years upon his retirement this coming July. After a courteous visit to the new tenant, we head back to Parit. There's only my Mak Nyah (dad's second sister, 59 and unmarried) and Opah. Opah had some ear infection so she couldn't hear properly. Yes, that adding up to her hearing disability, so I felt a bit rude having to shout everytime I talk to her. But she wasn't expecting us and she was going on and on how she actually dreamt of my dad earlier that afternoon and here we are now, in her house. So its kind of sweet. Well, sweet aside, I fell asleep through the heavy rain (despite sleeping in the car and being the honourable passenger and yes, filling up my tummy with lots of gulai/sambal tempoyak - typical Perakian of me).

I woke up around 6pm only to pester my dad to take me to bendang (paddy field). At first, colonel hesitated since its nearly dusk and the mosquitoes are out for dinner but later on, he was at the front yard waiting for me. Since my younger siblings were busy taking their baths and whatnot, it was sort of quality time for me and colonel who abided to my photography desires and he even pointed out which area to have better angles for my shots. He walked me through the 'batas' and told me the story of the family's paddy heritage and history.

the colonel guiding the paddy tour

We got back, only to have the rest of the family waiting for us to go to my aunt's (Mak Dah) place at Parit Jaya, on the other side of Sg Perak, still in Parit of course. We head to Mak Dah's house and I had my shower there. (Seriously tak malu datang bawak baju and mandi suka hati). Had some good chat with my cousin Ijan. Being partners in crime, its just too bad that Muid didn't came along, if not, me, Muid and Ijan would be cruising the streets of Ipoh late at night and took some fantastic photography. But me and Ijan made a pat for the next Java International Jazz Festival, insya'ALLAH, if God is willing for us to go to Jakarta. Hopefully next year. That would be a good trip. Owh, did I mention about our coming Angkor Watt trip? Hehehe, I'm psyched! God's willing (Amin!)

We got back home, and Mak Nyah already prepared dinner, again, I ate a lot. Hehehehehe ... Yes! Rice and lots of gulai tempoyak, ulam jantung pisang, sambal mangga! And rendang ayam! Hehehe. Tambah nasi lagi!

After dinner, we head to Ipoh, to my Abah Lope (dad's eldest brother) because he invited to Kenduri Arwah/Doa Selamat he organised for Tuk Wan (Abah Lope's mother-in-law) and for my cousin brother Faizal who's leaving for Sweden next week to further his Masters in Marine Biology. Cik Yang (Faizal's name at home) always tease me, so, he was asking me when I'm getting married and so forth. And mama, of course, started to interfere in the conversation, asking if he has friends he can hook me up with. Cik Yang started giving all these young lecturers' names to me, some of them potentially flying off to further their studies (yes, long distance relationship never fails to interest me, imagine - total freedom with knowing you'll have a secure plan behind your back, hahahaha!). I told him, I'll let him know once he comes back from Sweden in the next 2 years. Unfortunately, Cik Yang is leaving behind his 4-months pregnant wife, Kak Zura and his 3 years old daughter. We left much later after we cut the cake for my nephew Ashraf who turned 2 years old on Labour Day and catch up with my cousins on their life with kids. Heh. I have no kids. I can't share my stories on night life, late night hangouts and excessive dosage of friends and excessive consumption of guilty pleasures now, can I? hehehe ...

Once we reached home, I forgo my desire to moon-gazing and went straight to sleep at 11.30pm after some reading. Hohoho, lena tidur sampai 7.30am. That was early. Very early! Then again, its the kampung ambience I guess.

breakfast kampung style!

After breakfast, colonel took us to bendang again, this time around specifically for the pleasure of my younger siblings. He also shown us the bamboo spot where my great grandfather dug two old tempayan filled with pasir kuning (gold!) and it was said that one tempayan was given to a 'megat' family who later became rich. One of the tempayan was buried back at the bamboo spot and will in the future find its rightful owner. Well, I can't assure you the truth in this but I recorded my Opah spilling the whole legendary story of the said "tempayan berisi pasir kuning tertanam dekat buluh kuning sebelah bendang". Cool or what! But no, I'm not gonna dig it up, and btw, the yellow bamboo is no longer there, except from a very bushy and muddy area with yes, a bamboo tree.

the said location of the treasure.

We got back home, Abah Lope and Mak Dah dropped by, I dropped myself on the bed and we waved goodbye to Opah and Mak Nyah around 12pm. Stopped by at Batu Gajah then head straight to KL. Owh yes, of course, a stop to the Ulu Bernam R&R for the famous Yik Mun pau. We used to stop at the original restaurant in Tanjung Malim when I was younger and the mee hailam is always my favorite. I guess I've mentioned that once in my earlier postings. Yes, I have this habit of repeating the same ol' story, so now, its either I start writing a new blog to a new target audience, or start finding new friends. hehehe. Can't change my habits tho. They're what I'm made of. Then, I'm made of the same lame ol' habits. Hahahaha.

I'm not so much a kampung girl but I'm always open to adventures and hard life. I know that sounds a bit too good to be true, but being me who isn't picky about anything, I simply love the kampung life, the modesty of it, the whole thing, the sleeping at the front hall, the heat sunny afternoons and the cold breezy nights. The mosquitoes are quite irritating but thats what makes a kampung what it is.

This time around, I recorded most of Opah's stories on my HPiPaq and I felt good because, at times, I will replay it, and connect to the stories, the legend, that made me, who I am.

We don't know where we're heading to if we don't know where we came from, again and again I remind myself.

I want to know where I'm heading to. And I want to know where I came from.

Thats it for now.

This is me sharing part of my life, voluntarily.

.

selamat tidak bekerja

Happy Labour Day to everyone in Malaysia!

I'll be heading back to Parit, Perak in the next hour to visit my Opah and I probably get started with my photography bit. Gonna be flickring pretty actively with the help of Picasa and Adobe Photoshop. Hehehe ...

Well, to the rest of you out there, smile always and be happy okay.

I am sad, in a way, that I felt a little lost in me. But, what's lost here, is found somewhere else. And when you start looking for something, you find something else. The magical touch of serendipity in life. (",)

Thanks for dropping by! Much love and God Bless!

(btw, hope the new layout is quite okay. Yeah, I know, too many images of me, now everyone thinks I'm vain!)

.

I'm gonna love you just a little more

yes, there's nothing absolute, not even love.

but it won't hurt to love just a little more.

and there's no where else I can hear my favorite Barry White song, I'm Gonna Love You Just a Little More if not on TraxFM (90.30fm in Klang Valley - promote nih, kena claim royalty!) in the middle of the afternoon.

In the hot sunny afternoon on my way back from the bank, I listen to Barry White's sexy voice giving me hope in giving it just a little more faith in love.

So, why not.

----- # -----

It feels so good
You lying here next to me
Oh, what a groove
You have no idea how it feels
My hands just won't keep still
I love you, baby
Oh, I love you, I love you, I love you
I just wanna hold you
Run my fingers through your hair
Ooh
Outta sight
Uh-huh, right there, you like it like that
Closer
Come here, closer, close
Oh, baby
Oh, baby

Give it up, ain't no use
I can help myself if I'd wanted to
I'm hung up, no doubt
I'm so in love with you, for me there's no way out

'Cause deeper and deeper
In love with you I'm falling
Sweeter and sweeter
Your tender words of love keeps calling

Eager and eager, yeah
To feel your lips upon my face
Please her and please her
Any time or any place

I'm gonna love you, love you
Love you just a little more, baby
I'm gonna need you, need you
Need you every day
I'm gonna want you, want you
Want you in every way

???Make no mistake??? for I'll hold back knowin'
This time it looks like lover is here to stay
As long as I shall live
I'll give you all I have and all I have to give

'Cause please her and please her
Any time or any place
Eager and eager
To feel your sweet lips on my face

Deeper and deeper
In love with you I'm falling, yeah
Sweeter and sweeter
Your tender words of love keeps calling

I'm gonna love you, love you
Love you just a little more, baby
I'm gonna need you, need you
Need you every day
I'm gonna want you, want you
Want you in every way

----- # -----

It feels so good, doesn't it. To be loving. Don't make it obsolete, nor absolute.

Just enough, and ... maybe sometimes ... a little bit more.

.

absolutely a charming sense

There are two quotes I recently heard which have me lots of thinking. These quotes, said by a very wise and respectful leader, have got my brain working extra hours voluntarily.

“There is nothing absolute, there is no such thing of absolute anything”

and

“Common sense is something that is not common”.

I wanted to point out about “no such thing of absolute anything” with regards to love. I don’t think I can say, “I absolutely LOVE you” because there is nothing absolute, there must be some limitations to it.

I came across this because I recently realise, I can love a bit too much, and sometimes, love is never scarce so I can pretend that love can be endless. But it is not.

However, I can say that when you’re truly in love, you can be the most forgiving person.

Love is about understanding, toleration, trust and forgiveness.

This does not limit to love in terms of couplehood. This includes family, friends and the rest.

I have done lots of things that might disappoint my parents, coming home late at night or wee hours of the morning, being questioned the morning later (or probably the afternoon because I will only get up the earliest around 12pmm if I had my late night outings) and last weekend, for the first time, my dad gave me his thoughts on my coming home late via sms.

But they will always be forgiving. They didn’t yell or kick me out of the house. My mom would always let me sleep on her lap and my dad will never fail to give his tender kisses every morning before I left for work.

And I can assure you, even with someone whom I fell in love with, no matter what, I will always be forgiving, and I know how many mistakes I make, the other person would always find ways to make me understand the consequences of my actions and will tolerate and forgive. Apologies will be accepted. Well, at least for the time being.

With regards to the second quote, on common sense, having such sense is not so common. And not being in the common group is something I can certainly relate to.

I was in a discussion with a couple of friends recently. I told them, someone once asked me, if I come across a billboard at the highway, which one would I notice first, the images or the wordings?

I told her that I might see the images first. But actually, to be frank, I actually couldn’t determine which would come first because, everything would appear as it is, and I would personally choose to acknowledge the small TM or © at the end of the brand or probably the slight dimple at the corner of the model’s lips.

Both of my friends to whom I discussed the matter with are those who would notice the visual/images first. They’re probably the creative ones. The person who initially brought up the subject and asked me are one of those who would caught the wordings first.

The discussion went on the next day when we asked each other what our childhood ambitions were. Lining up some of them, I realised, mine were not the common ones.

Among my childhood ambitions were to be a VIP (Very Important Person) and a thinker. A friend blurted out that I might think I’m a smart-ass (nak tunjuk dia pandai la tuh) when I said “a thinker”. It’s just so happened that I like to think and just, you know, think. No matter how burdening it might be, how heavy my thoughts can get, I just like the idea of me thinking.

Sometimes, I even can let go of my work and get to think of other people’s problems.

That’s just me. It’s not to say that I’m a smarty pants or whatever, but I just like to think, regardless the level of importance and significance of the issue to me or to the world, I just like to think.

----- # -----

On the lighter side, I got into a deep conversation with my 11 year old (12 in September) brother yesterday. I asked him about his studies and friends and of course, girlfriend (s).

For the first time, he told me that he does like some of the girls at school. And he said that he like girls with short hair. I kind of felt flattered because some of the things that he likes in girls can be associated to me. Heh. I know its purely coincidental but it kind of gave me a slight smile of pride in my brother.

Later towards the night, there was a discussion on age and he said “Kak Yang umur 25 tahun.”

I said, “Tak, kak yang bukan 25 tahun” because I believe, until I have my 25th birthday later this year, I would still be 24. Yes, typical huh.

He replied, “Okay la. Kak Yang umur 20 tahun”.

What a charmer! Hehehehehee …..


.

the wake

I need a change. A little one. Just some small change.

Because I get tired easily, I get bored easily.

But its hard to change because what you wanted most is comfort, and you only get comfort from the thing that you're used to usually.

Maybe I want to change but I need the comfort.

Do we always get what we want and did we ever try hard enough for what we need?


.

under construction

apologies in advance.

I might mess up my template. in means of being experimental and trying new stuff.

There won't be much updates. I want to concentrate on photologging on my flickr (tho my camera have been kidnapped from me) and do some reading.

Sick is not an excuse to demand attention or affection.

People just seems to give them voluntarily. heh.

.

in the mood for love

maybe its because that I'm sick

I give in.

these days I'm into photologging and trying to experiment photoshop, since I'm a photoshop dummy.

I didn't go to work today, was on sick leave. But, aside from the prescribed drugs the doctor gave me, I got supplementary cure from the affection of friends. a warm hug and just having the positive curing presence is simply great. I know I wasn't much of a company tho, considering my moodswing provided by the second day of period.

but, it didn't matter.

I gave in.

for love and affection.

thanks to science, physically, I'm under my recovery process.

thanks to chemistry, spiritually, I'm under my recovery process too.

I'll be back on my feet soon.

Yes, I may be the fool who still demands being called a hug-a-holic. Yes Izham, I think I'm stupid for thinking as such.

But being stupid is not wrong.

Being stupid means you have space to learn.

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catching up

Yesterday, I chatted with a friend who just got back from a few overseas business trips and she told me how she love the chaotic fast pace of Hong Kong. As much as I love the thought of living by the ocean in a beach house, sitting by the verandah writing, I do have to admit that I, too, miss the chaotic urban life.

In retrospect, I have experienced a fair share of the chaotic fast past of a major city life. During my final studying year, the first 6 months were lived commuting from Sg Besi to Shah Alam daily via public transportation.

You can just imagine the hassle of waking up at 5am everyday (now, it has become a routine), following my dad at 6.30am to the KTM Station at Bandar Tasik Selatan, then board the train to KL Sentral, went to the 7 Eleven near the Monorail station and waited for my bus (No. 338) to Shah Alam. There are times I missed the bus that comes every 30 minutes. Those days are terrible when I have an 8am class. And sometimes, when I board the bus, I won’t get my seat, depending on the crowd. Sometimes I give my seat away for other deserving people. And after all that, arriving to class, cramping my brain to study, eating lunch alone as most of my beloved friends have moved on to their internship programmes where as I had to extend a few papers. I wasn’t from a business background so I didn’t get enough exemptions when I started my degree. Late in the afternoon, I would wait for the bus, afternoon buses more terrible, you can barely find seats and sometimes, I had to stand all the way from Shah Alam to KL Sentral. And after arriving at KL Sentral, boarding the KTM train home, again, not even that seats are hard to find, you can barely breathe amongst the sweating and tired people coming home from work. Yes, another standing exercise for me. And imagine the thought of doing assignments and whatnot when I get back home. No, that particular semester, I didn’t do well in any subjects. I just passed. It was just tiring. Very very tiring. That was my life routine from July 2005-October 2005.

Then, when I started my internship in Maxis Communications Berhad, the fast pace of traveling became faster. The waking up early was still there, just that I was then boarding the STAR LRT from Sg. Besi to Masjid Jamek, and then switched trains to PUTRA LRT heading to KLCC. Everyday, I boarded 4 trains. In my nice business suit and heels (I had to look fairly presentable as I was under the Corporate Communications department) and still coming back around 7pm-8pm every night. Though sometimes, come events, I had to stayback a little later, which was a bit exhausting as I had to run for my STAR LRT which closes at 10.30pm, unlike the PUTRA LRT till 12am. Adding to that, my allowance cheques comes a month later than everyone else’s pay, and the cost of working at KLCC for a trainee without proper pay, is just, woah!!! I brought food from home, to which everyone said “aaawww, that’s cute”. I still do bring food from home till today tho. It has become a habit. And to add more stress, from the coping with the work, I had to do my final year thesis. Yes. Remember 14^th February when I got mugged and the stupid mugger ran away with my thumbdrive full of my thesis reports. Imagine, that happened on a Tuesday night and I had to go to UiTM every Thursday to submit my report. But I had fun then. I even came to work the morning after I got mugged becos I was dead bored to be at home sulking over it. I even came to work on a Saturday when I was down with terrible fever but it was worth it cos I got to meet the Minister of Administrative Reforms from Indonesia and I got to eat at The Petroleum Club and see the view from 42^nd floor of the KLCC tower.

Yeah, and having all these experience before I reached 23 years old, that was a bit life changing for me and made me who I am, the mature and wise thinking person (yeah, laugh all you want! I know people smell hypocrisy somewhere between those lines)

With that, I had my fair share of the fast pace chaotic urban life and I do love it. Now, I do miss it. Maybe, after this job, I might take a chance on it.

After moving to 14 different houses, 7 different schools, 7 different states and 2 different countries, I guess adapting and me goes very well.

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"Media and National Development"

Last Wednesday, the Perdana Leadership Foundation with Institute of Quality and Knowledge Advancement (InQka) UiTM organised the 6th Perdana Discourse Series with the title "Media and National Development. The event was a full day discourse with an hour keynote address by the Foundation's Honorary President, YABhg Tun Dr. Mahathir Mohamad, an opportunity for a Questions & Answer session with Tun, followed by a panel discussion and breakout session for the participants. Panelist includes Steven Gan, the editor-in-chief for Malaysiakini.com, Datuk A Kadir Jasin, the editor-in-chief of Berita Publishing Sdn Bhd, Jeff Ooi, citizen journalist from ScreenShots, and a student representative Dr. Kamalan Jeeva, a very well experienced national debater and a vet by practice.

Okay, I'll spare the details, you can visit the Foundations website for more info and even for some pictures of the event - http://www.perdana.org.my

I was there, so, I'll share some visual insights.

Yes, thats the back of my head and body

Look out for Yours Truly hunting for FOOD!



when the cosmic freak speaks

It was a great event and I met a lot of great people. I had the chance to chat with Dato' Marina Mahathir (to date, I'm still confused whether its Datuk Paduka or Datin Paduka. Well, I better start calling her 'MaM' instead then). And to make my day, she recognised me as for she did asked "how come I haven't seen your comments for a while now". Hehehe. Sorry MaM, I got a bit too busy here and there.

I had a very great time engaging interesting conversations with people from all fields and most of them are much much older than me, which is simply great.

I ended up lepaking at Oldtown Kopitiam in Cyberjaya with a new friend I met as I was walking towards my car and we chatted from 7.00pm till 12:30am. Hahaha. People can really talk, I tell you. Add some caffeine and nicotine and conversations seem irresistibly engaging and endless. But I'm game for great conversations though I'll end up listening and observing, and its always a great experience.

-----#-----

Yesterday (Thursday) I watched 'Berbagi Suami' for the first time. Great movie, nice storyline. And fantastic music. I must get the Original Music Soundtrack. At least they don't have just ONE theme song which is played throughout the movie over and over again like most of our local films. Come on, there a a lot of great underground bands that can fit in your movie soundtrack, do some research la. Takkan semua nak pakai Jac Victor, Misha Omar atau Siti jer ....

My favorite song from the movie of course is "Pergi tanpa Pesan" by Sore. Superb group. What a diverse song range they have. Brilliant musicians!

-----#-----

Well pembaca sekalian, I'm off to "do work". Lunch time is finishing. (",)

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Lost ....

This morning, as I was brushing my teeth, I realised that my locket, the opal stone as a pendant on my necklace, was gone!

GAMBAR SEBELUM

GAMBAR SELEPAS

And, it was gone since yesterday (refer pic: GAMBAR SELEPAS, taken Sunday, April 15th)


The white Opal stone was bought in 1988 by mom in Australia.

The mineraloid opal is amorphous SiO2·nH2O; hydrated silicon dioxide, the water content sometimes being as high as 20% but is usually between three and ten percent. Opal ranges from colorless through white, milky blue, gray, red, yellow, green, brown and black. Common opal is truly amorphous, but precious opal does have a structural element. The word opal comes from the Sanskrit upala, the Greek opallios, and the Latin opalus, meaning "precious stone." Opals are also Australia's National gemstone.

Opal is a mineraloid gel which is deposited at relatively low temperature and may occur in the fissures of almost any kind of rock, being most commonly found with limonite, sandstone, rhyolite, and basalt.

Opal is one of the mineraloids that can form or replace fossils. The resulting fossils, though not of any extra scientific interest, appeal to collectors.

- information courtesy of wikipedia -

I have been wearing the necklace for a good 7 years now, before that, only during Raya holidays, but since 2000, I started wearing it and became attached to it. I only took out my necklace for 2 reasons, X-Ray and to get it cleaned at the jewellery store.


I felt lost. I felt incomplete. I haven't told mom. I'm quite terrified. But I know, things got lost along the journey of our life.

I got used to it so much, I never bother to give it a look. When I did, it was gone.

Now, I'm wearing the necklace without the great white opal stone.

I felt hollow, but I'm not letting go.

Let it show, the empty hole at the locket there.

Let it show, the hollowness I feel, and the lost that haunts me.

I haven't cried .... not yet.

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the greatest feeling

Yesterday, I was chatting with a friend.

She asked: So, how are you?

I replied: I'm GREAT!!!

She questioned whether "alco" got something to do with me feeling great.

Simply, its not nico, alco or caffein made me feel GREAT yesterday.

It was ...

the great view from 86th floor of Petronas Twin Tower (okay, I'm not sure whether its Tower 1 or Tower 2).

the presence of such an inspiring world leader and sitting at the same conference table.

the smiles and glances as he spoke.

the knowledge gain from the small meeting.

the mingling between people who works with the inspiring world leader.

the Petronas Twin Tower Skybridge.

the meeting of two bloggers, who knew each other way back when blogspot was introduced and who got not only acquainted, but shared some mutual connection with each other.

the browsing books at Kinokunya.

the buying cds for mom who wanted to have Ning's Ultimate Collection and a present of Sean Ghazi's debut album for mom to listen to in her new car.

the buying of Jamiroquai's DVD collection (this is double wow!!! okay, WOW WOW!!!)

the driving back home with a permanent smile carved on the face.


..... ..... .....


I'm not yet 25. But the past 2 days made me feel like I'm so ready to challenge myself to be a great and well-respected 30 year old. I'll post some pictures in my flickr later, so only privileged friends will get the chance of of seeing the view from THE 86th floor.

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the small things (that comes with images)

Before I start, let me introduce you to Cosmic iPaq!

I haven't been updating for a few days. not to say that I'm busy plus with the internet at home, I have nothing going against me. except the willingness to blog. I check my blog constantly, to see who came by, to see who dropped by and just, to visit and revisit my beloved writings. yes, I love this crap so much, much more than, errrrr, than that heavenly chocolate ice cream or vanilla coke, I guess. eheheheh....

..... ..... .....

MONDAY

yesterday, for the first time, I emcee'd an event. a big one. well, I've been emcee'ing before, for even a larger crowd, (no, that was not emcee'ing, I was the forum moderator), but that aside, this one was quite, err, meaningful, for me.

I was pretty tensed up before the event.

I was dying for a big comforting HUG then.

I didn't find it.

I went on still. And did quite okay. For me, I'd say I did quite okay. If others told me it was good, it was quite good, I'm grateful. But, I was quite okay.

On the way home, I need to share my excitement, my stories, with someone. But my loved ones were busy at work.

But this loved one, who had, or actually, has, endless work, cared enough to slot, a good hour for me.

with lots of hugs, kisses, comforting smiles, lots of laughter and yeah, some ass pinching (hahaha!), from quite okay, I think I did great! (yeah, just like telling a drunk how good he/she is, of course he/she is doing GREAT!)

last night, with a glass of milo ice, and a can of coke, I'm drunk. but what's intoxicating, is the presence of the person.

yes babe, I'm dedicating this to you, my No.1 Priority!!! Thanks for last night. Thanks for the LONG hug! I couldn't imagine how I would feel after sitting for my milo ice alone thinking how lonely I am to not have anyone to share my achievement yesterday.

fozzy and abby

..... ..... .....

SUNDAY

I mentioned before the weekend started, that I got a bit sappy and decided to devote the weekend to spending time at home, and I did. Last Sunday, I was supposed to send something for someone at the office and I decided to bring my mom along. Had some quality time with her, talks in the car and yes, despite the fact I always whine about how to survive an entire day with her, its just me being a woman who loves over exaggerating things. I actually can't picture myself surviving WITHOUT her.

I took her to Kelab Tasik Putrajaya and we had a good time there. And good thing, I remembered to take out my camera (I bring my camera everywhere, but I seldom take it out of my bag) and snap some pictures of her.

mama yati

..... ..... .....

SATURDAY

I had enough of the Telekom not finalising the phone line transfer since I moved to Selayang in January, so I decided to storm in the TMPoint Maluri outlet with a hell lot of sarcasm in my bagpack. Having to leave the house a bit late and arriving right at 12pm on its doorstep, I saw the notice "TM Point sudah berpindah ke Menara Maxisegar" .... APA NERAKA???!!!!

Okay, being in Maluri, filled with anger and madness (No, this is not spartaaaaa! hehehe), I decided to call Salmi, who actually lives in Subang, and asked her out for lunch provided that I go pick her up. Yes, at that moment, Subang felt just like 5 kms away from Maluri.

So, I went to fetch her and got this crazy idea of joining Muid at Sungei Wang and we end up spending time until 9.30pm before I send her back to Subang and drove back home to Selayang. Yes, in Selangor, everything is near. Maluri-Subang-Selayang. Its like errr, 5 kms away from each other. Its like Menara Maxis-Menara ExxonMobil-Menara Standard Chartered. Heh.

And I got to purchase my second pair of shoes this month (please kill me!!! abs turning to a bloody shopaholic!!). A nice pair of Hush Puppies loafers (IN GREEN!!!) owh, this is because my beloved sandal (which Muid bought in Singapore and I treasure so much!) tercabut tali!!!! Hahaha, alasan!

the chermin freaks!

..... ..... .....

trying to understand

Recently, a blogger friend's mother just passed away. We hope God bless her soul and give strength to the family to carry on life. We pray to different God, but we share the same feelings, the same grief, and we hold hands when we need comfort, regardless.

I've always pictured how life would be if I were put in that situation, losing someone I love so much.

Someone whom I rarely tell her how much I love her.

Someone whom I constantly go to, and sleeps under her armpits, even at the age of 24.

I'm the kind of person who's spoilt with affection, not luxury or material.

I'm not embarassed to say that I demanded to be breastfed until I was 8. Just becos I love the fact that I would be on my mom's lap, in her arms.

A friend once heard me speaking to my mom, and she said she liked the way how I speaks to my mom, there's a certain charming way that was noticeable. But it was sad when I remembered there were MORE times when I sarcastically raised my voice to my mom.

We should all remind each other while we remind ourselves.

We should all remind ourselves what others went through.

In life, we take note.

Not just by jotting it down on papers, not by making mental notes.

But carving it permanently in our hearts.

So when times the papers went missing,

or the mind fails to retrieve.

We feel something in our hearts.

I actually have a date tonight. After so long. But, suddenly, I felt like cuddling under my mom's armpit while watching tv. That shud be the best.

*tearing up.*
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New in the Abyss

New Additions:

I've compiled my "she" stories and put it in another different label - Her tears. Joy or sorrow. All hers.

My Take My Hand ... Walk with Me... would consist of poems and other stories.

Soon to come will be Bicara Sang Penglipulara, on my malay writings.

All links are available at the sidebar on your right side there. Right side. Kanan. Tangan makan belah mana sayang oiii? hehehehehe....

the desire

I recently told a friend, I need to start traveling, by the time I reach 30 years old, I should cover Asia.

Having my passport done recently, landing on a decent job, maybe not so much well-paid off but enough to survive and be merry and also, committing to a fair share of debts, made me realise that I am grown up. I'm an adult. Whatever I do now, is merely my own responsibilities. Bad or good. Right or wrong. On my own expenses, my own debts, my own judgements. Though I do always consider second opinions from friends and families, but, it dawned to me that now, I am, if not fully, at least 3 quarter, control of my life.

Some friends were taken by surprise with some new changes I have had. Developing new lifestyle and habit not to be mention here, but what I can say, its not that I didn't want to indulge in them earlier as everyone else did, but it felt more comfortable (should I even use that word?) doing it with my own money. At least I don't look back regretting the fact that I've indulged in bad things using my parents' money and whatnot.

And now, it comes to traveling. I really need to travel. When I was 12, I read a malay novel about a girl who just picked up her bags, hopped on a bus and went to a resort where she has no friends, no family whatsoever, but found work and love there. And at that time, I knew I wanted to be like her. Then again, thats all bullshit talking becos its truly fiction and you dont easily find work and love like that. Hahahaha.

But the idea to get away, to escape, just for a moment, was what got into me. And that got translated into traveling.

I know this is just writing per se, who knows, it might be 'hangat-hangat tahi ayam'. But, let me dream, desire and plan. God will decide the rest.

I'm looking forward to my first trip. Singapore. Let it be the nearest one first. Bak kata Muid, buat warm-up dulu. I got a few contacts there, and they wouldn't mind working out for leave if I were to go there and host me around. That should be cool. I don't even want to sleep. I want to walk everywhere. Yes, I'm that bagpacker, budget traveler type. I'm game. Hahaha, living in hostel for nearly 8 years and a total of 10 years away from family throughout high school and university, I know my shit on being independent. Though right now I am staying with my folks, I'm giving in all those lost years they've sent me away (tak jauh pun, tapi, I'm the only child among my 5 siblings sent to boarding school at an early age, thats should be considered!). But since I'm giving it all, staying in Selayang and torturing myself to commute to work in Putrajaya, I should be given the outlet as per traveling, right? (well, I think I do deserve it).

So, this year, the plan should be Singapore, then Angkor Watt (if Muid agrees) or maybe somewhere with a beach at least.

------

This coming Monday, for the second time, I'll be emcee'ing an event at the Foundation. But .... this time, a bigger event, with one of the world's greatest leader. Woah, such a recognition, but not one, not two, but a country of dragonflies are breeding in my (flat) tummy. hehehe.

Its good to be given such trust by boss, but ..... my biggest weakness is INSECURITY of my own abilities. Thats when I'll constantly question myself again and again if I'm worthy the recognition, the trust.

The first event was a small ceremony with not so many people, though it was formal with few great academicians, I skipped a few lines, stumbled a few words and was quite 'kalut' (obviously visible, my 'kalut'ness). Though boss said I did well, I know I could've done better if I was calmer. But that was my first time. Warm up.

Can you warm up just once in a swimming pool then simply jump into the great big ocean?

At this time, I seriously need lots of HUGS!!! Any GIVERS???

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back from breakfast

it was a break, and it was quite fast. hehehe.

I like it fast and damaging (break).

anyways, yeah, the weekend was quite cool. considering the fact that I had no PARTY AT ALL despite not having parents around. but what I had was, driving and mengopi with a friend, mostly indulging in lots of caffein and nicotine (yes muid, those stuff which cause cavities as stated in your blog, and I haven't gone for scaling for a long time too).

these days, I'm quite addicted to conversations, mamak hangouts and drive around windows down .... the other night was the best, becos we found an empty parking lot, sat at the curb and was talking about how the brazilians got to speak portugese, and the Spaniards occupation of south America which led to the KHTI journey to South East Asia. and we got dragged to singing some songs from South Park the movie. hehehe, I should not state which song here. hahahaha. it was enlightening, the hangout session.

I didn't feel left out with not partying. One of the reasons of course becos my friends are all bound to work during the weekends. But, somehow, I'd prefer the parking lot session. Watching the stars. Goofing up on movie soundtracks. You don't need a lot of friends, one or two, those who would get your joke.

Last Friday, I met an old friend whom I haven't meet for a year or two. It was great seeing her becos she's so cute and lovable. But, the conversation went around her failed 8 yr relationship which actually ended 2 years ago. She's clinging to her past and as a friend, as much as I don't want her to cling on to it, but I have to accept what she chooses. I can advise not to, but if she felt comfortable like that, she's a big girl, she's entitled to her own decisions. She's living a single life right now, but I know its hard for those who are in long-term relationship to adjust to singlehood.

Being single for my entire life (having said that, I must admit there are scandals, flings and yes, falling in love which is not reciprocated), I don't know, one day, if I ever found a guy, would he be doing all these with me. I'm pretty much contented with what I have right now. It'll be hard to change someone to suit my preferences, or change myself to suit someone's preferences.

----

owh, I got a poem. heh. I wrote it while I was waiting for my car at the carwash (tiba2 ada soundtrack christina aguilera's carwash).

must I add that I wrote it down in my new HPiPaq given by Muid (second hand la kan) as my belated birthday gift? hehehehehehe ...... let us pray iPhone datang malaysia awal so Muid can buy it and be the techie idol of everyone.

Thanks Muid!!! Sayang Kamu Bangat!!!!!!!!!

So, if you see this scruffy short hair girl in cute tiny tops and long pants/torn jeans (you wont catch me wearing a skirt okay!) busy tapping her stylus on her HPiPaq while indulging her guilty (but necessity) pleasures, that might be me... probably within the vicinity of Pusat Bandar Damansara, the Curve or One Utama la kot. Hahaha.

owh yes, yes, the poem. a simple one. sementelaah melihat kereta ku dicuci sambil ku sedut air coke yang nyaman.

There are voices in my head.
There are words in my throat.
There are feelings in my heart.
And all of them aren't mine.

I'm not alone.
There are a lot of people who have these as well...

But to whom does all these belongs to?
Where does all these comes from?

(sila la jawab dengan pantun 2 kerat okeh!)
.

additional items

heh, rasa mcm tajuk email pejabat plak.

well, my friend asked me to include this as something weird and people would find new from me.

7. I used to love playing tennis without my shoes. Yes, I love the heat. so, habis la blisters at my feet. But I did love playing tennis barefoot in the middle of the day.

sekian, harap maklum.

(take note that I might be lying, and yes, I'm not working too, and also a potential murderer).

.

rintihan seorang blogger wanita di Malaysia

mentang mentang saya tidak bekerja dengan kerajaan. bersama teman teman se'blogger yang lain, saya dituduh menipu umat, tidak menyokong perpaduan, dan walaupun bekerja keras mencari sesuap nasi, juga dituduh tidak bekerja.

mesti ibu bapa saya fikir saya hanya mengabih kan boreh kerana keluar sebelum matahari terbit, pulang ketika matahari dah lama terbenam, dan mendapat pendapatan yang tidak diketahui mana datangnya.

yelah, saya kan hanya blogger.

penipu dan tidak bekerja.

susah juga menjadi perempuan ini.

tahniah kepada semua bloggers lelaki yang bekerja dan bercakap benar serta menyokong perpaduan.

owh, saya juga adalah antara barisan yang bakal membunuh bangsa lain juga.

sekian, harap maklum.

.

freakazoid!

okayla .... I'm doing it. Since I've been officially tagged.

6 Weird things about me (which comes to no surprise):-

1. I like to bite my own hands when I make a mistake or when I feel guilty.

2. I like to coordinate my washings (laundry) and if someone puts my clothes in the washing machine, I'd go berserk and at some point can redo the washing all over again.

3. I can go nuts when I starts ironing, I can go even nuts that I start ironing my bra.

4. I like to read outloud. Novels I mean. Quite tiring at some point la.

5. I like to suck my thumb. Not only during sleeping time. It just makes me feel connected to myself, I mean my old self (the baby abby).

6. I will sing alone loudly in the car and when I get the lyrics wrong, I can laughed like hell. Owh, and there's this one time, I was so sleepy while driving (which reminds me never, I mean, NEVER to drink milk before I drive in the morning) that I slap myself and screamed at myself, scolding myself like a mad woman.


.....

hurm ... maybe thats just like 1/100 of the weird things that I do. Don't make me start. Please don't ...

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Public Display of Affection

P.D.A (We Just Don't Care) by (the orgasmic) John Legend

Let's go to the park
I wanna kiss you underneath the stars
Maybe we'll go too far
We just don't care
We just don't care
We just don't care

You know I love it when you're loving me
But sometimes it's better when it's publicly
I'm not ashamed, I don't care who sees
us hugging and kissing, a love exibition, oh

We'll rendezvous out on the fire escape
I'd like to set off an alarm today
A love emergency don't make me wait
Just follow, I'll lead you
I urgently need you

Let's go to the park
I wanna kiss you underneath the stars
Maybe we'll go too far
We just don't care
We just don't care
We just don't care

Let's make love,
let's go somewhere they might discover us
Let's get lost in lust
We just don't care
We just don't care
We just don't care

I see you're closing down the restaurant
Let's sneak and do it when your boss is gone
Everybody's leaving, we'll have some fun
Oh, maybe it's wrong, but you're turnin' me on

Oh, we'll take a visit to your mama's house
Creep to the bedroom while your mama's out
Maybe she'll hear it when we scream and shout,
but we'll keep it rockin' until she comes knockin'

Let's go to the park
I wanna kiss you underneath the stars
Maybe we'll go too far
We just don't care
We just don't care
We just don't care

Let's make love,
let's go somewhere they might discover us
Let's get lost in lust
We just don't care
We just don't care
We just don't care

If we keep up all this foolin' around
We'll be the talk of the town
I'll tell the world of our love any time
Let's open the blinds
'Cause we really don't mind


Let's go to the park
I wanna kiss you underneath the stars
Maybe we'll go too far
We just don't care
We just don't care
We just don't...

Let's make love,
let's go somewhere they might discover us
Let's get lost in lust...
[ Lyrics found on http://www.metrolyrics.com ]

I'm so in love with that song, and yes, being a very affectionate person (this is a testimony given by a friend too), I am all up for P.D.A. I think people who went to my brother's birthday party last 2 weeks can see my closeness and affection towards my baby (but large) brother. I had the 45kg 12 year old sit on my lap and hugged him from behind and we played some head to head cuddly bumps, he was playing with my fingers and this was all done in public. And when boys his age used to draw themselves apart from the sisters for kisses in public, mine doesn't seem to care. Its his kak yang and he doesn't give a flying f**k about anything else. I would constantly kiss him on escalators and at restaurants and he just allows it. It might in some ways look quite eeiii-apasal-mengade-ngade-sangat-kakak-dia-tuh to some people, well, we just don't give a flying f**k. Hehehehe.

I have also done some P.D.A. during my younger dating-spree years. I've kissed someone on a bus (yes, cheap back seat action), at the bus stop (yes, before boarding the bus) and at an LRT station (yeap, still the same guy and the same night). Hahaha. So, I think, its kinda fun to kiss underneath the stars. Haven't done it in a park tho, with the current ruling, I'd go on the "get a room!" option.

Its a good thing I'm single (and available, ngehngehngeh) cos I might annoy people with my constant P.D.A. with the boyfriend. Hehehe.

But, there are some limitations to it. And when the limitation exists, I would suggest to anyone, to "get a bloody room"! hehehe.

Have an affectionately loving day people!!!
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the passion fruit

kalau di alih bahasakan tajuk entri ini, maka ia mungkin menjadi "buah keghairahan". hehehe.

it was a great weekend, which had opened my eyes to things I have taken forgranted. There were times you thought you knew better but apparently, you don't. Then, you just sit down for awhile and have that thinking moment, rationalising everything and you know how to face the adversities in life, which later, turns out to be not an adversity, but just, part of life that you should embrace. Because that what makes who you are.

But having that time of the month and being young, I could not escape from having this need to complaint, whine and just feel angry towards some things. And fortunately, I've dealt with most of them maturely.

Sometimes its pretty tiring to be matured, because you need some moment to be stupid and just young-blooded, with the temper, the rage and the foolish bit. Its tiring to always be wise and smart. It is. And to try to be wise, smart and matured, its more tiring, because thats what I'm striving for, to be a wise, smart and matured person that I'm not.

But ... at the end of the day, as much as you whine and compaint and sulk, you know yourself better. You know why you do the things you do. You know why you choose to do the things you do. You know your other options. You are aware of the whole situation. And you know your own capability in dealing with the problem or situation.

And at the end of the day, I just needed someone who trust me, who has faith in me, and tell me "its okay, things will be fine. I know you can handle it. You always do".

Recently, I realised that I am a passionate person, but its hard for me because passion + sarcasm = very very bad impression and will hurt people. So in most conversation, I usually goofed up, trying to be the full with my sarcastic remarks. By no means would I want to intentionally hurt anyone, but thats just me. There are times, I would want to speak my opinion but other people's seem more interesting that mine. So I keep quiet and play dumb goofball.

maybe I should have more fruits, more passion fruits. So I can joyfully share my passion during conversations.

Yes, I am not a great conversationalist.

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losing interest

I'm a person of excuses. Not many people like that, I mean, would like a person full of excuses.

No, this is not a sad entry. Merely just a statement. A thought. Maybe I should just stick to poetry. Okay, I'll try one now.

..........

- A momento -

In this moment.
As for this moment.
There's a thought.
Of you.

The thought that consist
of only you.

Your smile.
Your smell.
Your eyes.
Your hand.

The way you talk.
The words you spoke.
Your sigh.
Your chuckle.

You breathe passion.
The passion of your breath.
Translated to love.

In this moment.
As for this moment.
All I can think about
is you.

In this moment.
As for this moment.
I'm smiling.


..........

The wise Rumi said:-
“Look at Love...
how it tangles
with the one fallen in love .”

..........

“To praise the sun is to praise your own eyes.”
-Rumi-

..........

Recently, the Secretary-General of the Pakistan Muslim League, Senator Mushahid Hussain Sayed has suggested that in search of peace, we should take account of the teachings of Maulana Jalaluddin Rumi on a global level. It was a good suggestion as to place an example to follow, we must choose the right example, and I can't think of anyone better than Rumi himself and totally agreed with the Senator in this issue. I know most of us are unaware of this sufi poet in the 13th Century because the only poets we know nowadays are Avril Lavigne, Jay Z, Kenya West and probably Good Charlotte (seriously, I don't at all listen to Good Charlotte, am not that fond of Avril Lavigne, I don't know any of Jay Z'z songs and only can take some of Kenya West's songs, I'm a bit outdated because I listen to Light& Easy (",).)

To read the full article, you can either click here or click here.

Well, I just got involve in reading sufism and I found it very very relaxing, calming and inspiring. So, why not, in order to have peace, you must first be a relaxed, calm and inspiring person right?

Its Friday, there are gloomy clouds out there somewhere, but there are also birds chirping, kids laughing and people in love. Weakness is just a reminder than You Are Human. What I wrote before is just to remind myself, if not others, that, we are HUMAN and its okay to be whiny, to break down and feel sad. It doesn't mean I don't know how to get up, have a laugh, brush the dust off and go ahead with life.

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the curse

they say once you start lying, you can never stop. Liar Liar. It has been made into a movie. Kecik kecik membohong, besar besok mencuri. yes. Black Eyed Peas sang it. Diana King sang it. Its all lies. Big Fat Liar.

Kecik kecik berbohong, bila besar mencuri. I use to steal money when I was younger. Yes, those piggy bank money until it got to my dad's wallet. I've learned my lesson pretty well. In my case, kecik kecik mencuri, bila besar hebat membohong.

These are things I'm not proud of. Nor have I regretted. If I didn't steal, I wouldn't have gotten myself caught and punished and then learned my lesson. I wouldn't know whats right and whats wrong and consequences of my actions. But I'm not proud of it either. No, it was nothing to be proud of.

So, the goody-two-shoes, miss you're-so-farking-nice abby is not a nice girl. In fact, she has a lot of hidden agenda. she's a hypocrite. and above all, she's a liar. Not a big fat liar. Maybe a tanned slim liar. Hahahaha.

The curse is, lying has become a part of me. Sometimes, it came to me automatically, instinctively, without even giving it a thought. puff, there goes one big fat lie to pollute the sincere and honest world.

last night, someone asked me what lie I've constructed for one particular situation. I told her, I can't reveal the lie. If I tell anyone, it'll lose its magic. Yes, there's magic to lies to, not just fairy tales. hehe. yes, thats how far I treasure this superpower I have on lying. I'm not Wonder Woman or Invisible Girl. I'd be The Lying Bitch. Hahaha. With some cute sexy outfit to top Wonder Woman of course.

a friend asked me once, "why lie. just tell the truth". there's such sincerity in her voice and I can tell she can count her fingers how many times she had lied to her parents. If I were to count fingers, it'll be the fingers of all visitors in Midvalley on a public holiday. Hehehehehe. Anyways, I told her, "because the truth will not only hurt my parents, but hurt me as well".

what you don't know won't hurt you. so lie. to be unhurt. (",)

Definition
3. caused by or evidencing a mentally disturbed condition: a pathological liar.

so, I'm mentally disturbed then, as I am a pathological liar. then again, there's not many who aren't farked up in their mind right.

once, in a International Management class, the new lecturer was looking for someone to be appointed as class monitor. Becos I was going on and on with my girls on how cute this lecturer is (who now we have yet to determine his orientation since its very confusing), they was eagerly to propose my name. The lecturer came up to me and asked, "Owh, you're Abby is it?" I nodded (he's handsome okay! baldy with glasses, what more can I ask for!!!). "Okay then, you'll be the class monitor. You do look trustwothy.".

yes. a verification of my trustworthiness from this simple geeky look that I have. First impression says all? I don't know.

lantas, tersipu sipu, saya menjadi class monitor untuk subject tersebut.

did he know that we, I mean, I, secretly snapped his picture, the first 10 minutes he was in the class, with my fellow girlfriends? Someone once said I look cheeky. Was that one of the attributes of trustworthiness?

back to the subject, the curse of lying.

yes. this goody-two-shoes and miss nice-girl is just a facade.

To the people who constantly think and said it to my face that I am a very nice girl thanks for voluntarily being deceived.

Well. I am actually nice. But being a manipulative lying bitch is much more my forte.

.
(so, I realised that when I write hopeless sappy mushy stuff, I get like 150 visitors a day, but when I write like this, being the original me to accommodate people who think I should write about other stuff, my visitor's rate is at 30 visitors per day. So thank you, thank you very much).

its not about winning, its about how not to lose.

the headlines today read that the government agrees to ban fast-food advertisement in order to promote a more healthy lifestyle for the people. Okay, maybe not the exact words, but that what it meant.

Advertising has been the most essential part of selling a product. I know so. I studied business. And not only with the business background, even with friends in the TV Commercial industry, I know how important and profit-making advertising is to companies. Its indeed about selling your brand, and creating a mindset.

For nearly a century now that we call chocolate powder as Milo, coffee as Nescaffe and toothpaste as Colgate. Its already created in our mindset, and its done through advertising.

So, when we say burgers, we automatically refer to McDonalds, fried chicken to KFC, rootbear to A&W and cola drink to Coca Cola or Pepsi. Its a mindset. And creating this mindset, advertising have targeted us from the beginning, since we're kids. Thank you Ronald McDonald, Colonel Sanders, that A&W bear (I don't know what he's called) and whoever invented Coke and Pepsi. heh.

today, the society tries to live in denial. The perfect diet, the perfect body, the gym lifestyle. This should direct to being healthy. Government spent RM100million for a 5 year campaign on anti-smoking called Tak Nak but in the mean time, still gives license to tobacco companies, since it happens to generate good tax revenue for the government. And now, as for banning the fast-food chain advertisements, yet the Government will continue allowing the franchises of these chains to operate in Malaysia, as for the tax revenues generated is contributing a lot to the country's reserves.

So, who is losing and who is winning?

I'd say, everyone wins. I mean, everyone.

Advertising have been a great expense to any company, and as much as it is creating a brand mindset for the customers, companies tend to cut off some of their advertising expenses. So, with the new regulation, companies will find other cost-efficient means to promote their brands. And as far as food goes, you don't have to advertise, people will always come. And even if they stop having media advertisements, they can always opt for other channels of promotions. Especially when they've created their brand in the mindsets of many, especially within the simple-minded society of Malaysia.

The Government will gain respect from the people, who have fought for their rights in wanting to ban such advertisement, in order to promote healthy lifestyle. Or so they will think, and we'll see how much respect can give them such pride to think they're the best government in the world.

The people will live in denial, as how they'd choose to be. They will say how they loathe the fast-food advertisements, and secretly crave for a Big Mac or a Chicken McDeluxe. They still drink cokes in functions where only liqour is served. They will go to the gym, have this healthy lifestyle, and yet have secret cravings. Kids will grow up thinking these are all sinful food items and find themselves wanting to try.

The advertising agencies and TVC industry will also gain in order that they can pitch for that big government healthy lifestyle account and they will be credited if they themselves promote healthy living in the advertisements that they make.

Social responsibility will have a very bright future in Malaysia. And maybe one day, we will have a Ministry in Social Responsibility.

But at the end of the day, hypocrisy will rise and everyone will have a huge tendency of living in denial.

So, cut them off, ban them, save the lives of 26million people in Malaysia from the devil of fast foods. Let we all eat slow foods with lots of oil and coconut milk and solid food that will create a HEALTHY body.

We'll see what other "improvements" our current government will bring in the future. We'll see we'll be the healthy population they wanted to create in Malaysia.

For the time being, I'll hold on to all my guilty pleasures, and those contain of lots of caffein, nicotine and all the things the government will pretend to ban.

And this is a special note from a coke-addict, you can shut the whole world off, but I'll still find my coke even if I'm blind. Hahaha.


.

FAQs

abby, why is it your blog is filled with sad stories?

abby, whats wrong with you?

abby, why are you always sad?

abby, can't you write about other things? happy things? national issues?


and abby said ... if you want to buy a bowl of tomyam, or nasi beriyani, will you go to a bakery?

to her, her own abyss. to you, your own blog.

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when writers write

I'm not an expert in writing. I recently read a book about writing written by an expert in writing. And some of the points mentioned, are actually what I hold as my foundation in writing.

A lecturer once commented me on an essay. It was a case study business essay and the case study is a fake and created by yours truly, had received a praise from the lecturer and passed around the class as an example. She told me that I write with flare.

But, what I write, is the feeling that happen at the moment. At that particular moment. Because I had to let it out, as I have more and more ideas or thoughts to write about and I might as well get ride of the one coming in right then.

Writing depressing stories, unfortunate love, the endless quest for love, the heartbreak hotel and being its permanent resident, doesn't mean that I'm a sad person 24/7. No, I don't cry that much. In fact, I usually cry for a mere 3 minutes and laughed myself off. I can however laugh for an hour or so.

Thats why my friends, I mean my close friends I hang out with, doesn't really read my blog. Because as much as they like the fact that I can write, that I do write and I will not stop writing, they know I'm not as depressed as I portray myself in my writings.

Writers write to evoke emotions, the deep emotions that we doesn't usually emote. Like for someone who rarely cry, if a writer can make that person cries with his/her writings, then, the objective has been achieved. If the person is a hardcore dead serious, then suddenly started laughing while reading a funny story, then, the writer is indeed brilliant in writing funny stories.

As many people criticises my writings being too deep, too emotional, too mushy, too sappy as if I'll die of a heartbroken disease, then my objective is met.

Though I thank you guys for all the support, the motivating comments and whatnot, some of the feelings are simply created to suit the writings. And if you ask whether its worth it, imagine this. Someone who is really in that particular could stumble upon the post, relate to the story as to their current situation and benefit from all your supportive, motivating and dear comments.

So its worth it.

on being funny

I was asked to write something funny. Anecdotes to be precise.

Which lead me to ask some few friends if they ever come across of anything funny I've written before.

I don't know if I can write funny stuff. My whole life is a funny story no doubt. But despite being someone who loves laughing so much, who can potentially get a stroke from laughing, who can laugh until she pee herself to total embarrassment, who can get athsma attack from laughing and rolling like a mad cow (no, mad cows don't roll on the ground ... then again, they are mad ... who knows..), I rarely write anything funny in my blog.

I am however a funny person. No, I'm just saying that. Hahaha. I have this dry sarcastic funny that I think not everyone can accept, except my friends. But I got some "thats enough abby" when I repeatedly tell the same joke over and over again (just becos some laughed for the first time it was told).

Yes, thats pathetic and lame. So, I'm a pathetic and definitely a lame-ass joker.

Truth be told, the person I am is the one you see at the profile picture. The person who laughs at everything, endlessly goofing around like a fool.

Still, I'm not so sure whether I can write funny or not.

So, today is Valentine's Day. I got a few messages wishing me valentine's. Thanks. But I personally don't believe in celebrating valentine's day. Love is the constant thing and its endless in my life. Its in your heart beat. Its in every eye wink. Its every smile you make. Not just by your lips, but with your heart and your mind. Thats love. Thats what you should celebrate. Every heart beat, every eye wink, every smile. Not just 14 February every year. Thats just simply bias and unjust! Hahaha.

The only thing good about valentine's day is the nice love songs they play on the radio and nice movies or telemovies on tv. Thats about it. Other than that, there's nothing to celebrate.

Or maybe just because I don't have anyone to celebrate it with. Still, if I have someone, I won't limit it to just one day a year. I'll celebrate the love for that person everytime my heart beats. And when it doesn't beat, this heart of mine, then, I'll have to stop loving I guess.

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the reason

today, I had the opportunity to meet a group of MBA students from Kyushu University, Japan. I know this is not a surprise when one of them if a well know blogger in Japan, who have had nearly 1,000,000 hits for his blog.

Its pretty amusing to know how this blog phenomena have touched and linked people from all parts of the world. I check my visitors statistic and am flattered that I do receive a lot of hits from abroad.

I had a discussion with my brother yesterday on the content of my blog. I was told, (and this is nothing new) how my blog appear to be too emotional. To explain myself, as in what I would normally do, might make me look defensive and thats what people think of me nowadays. HOw defensive I am at remarks thrown upon my face and how quick I am to explain myself, even during times when I'm not needed to.

As for the art of communication lies in a very large scale, the art of touching and connecting with others lies on those who have the natural ability to convey messages, to communicate and emote messages and feelings.

That is what this blog is all about. The platform to share, not just by disclosing personal facts, feelings and desires, but reaching out to those who feels and thinks the same.

as a writer, there is no way on earth you can please everyone, hence the existence of critics.

what I want to do here is not to please everyone. I might contradict myself, or probably annoy others.

but if I can share what I write with a few people who feels, thinks the same as much to appreciate the thought of my sharing, then, I'm a happy person.

this blog is, aside from sharing knowledge, is actually to make me feel happy. I'd be tons happier if I can share it with people across the globe.

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a moment to think

I just browsed thru kickdefella's blog and watched Saddam Hussein's execution's video.

Let me share some statements from the War Crimes booklet.

Lesley Stahl on U.S. sanctions against Iraq: "We have heard that a half million children have died. I mean, that's more children than those who had died in Hiroshima. And, you know, is the price worth it? US Ambassador at the United Nations (soon to be the Secretary of State) Madeleine Albright: "I think this is a very hard choice, but the price - we think the price is worth it."

CBS - "60 Minutes", May 12, 1996

Lesley R. Stahl is an American television journalist. As of 2007, she has reported for CBS on '60 Minutes' for nearly 16 seasons.

Its funny isn't it. When sometimes, we get too indulged with ourselves, we know there's problems in the world, but we ignore it. I know everyone have problems. I know sometimes, we end up feeling helpless, knowing we can't go there and help, nor do we have a big enough voice to opt for changes. But, it doesn't hurt to once awhile, forget about those love problems, those new shoes on sale, those eye candy guys in hartamas square, but to have a moment and discuss real, substantive and relevant issues. Acknowledging them is enough for us to create a global mindset in search for a better future. Don't you think?

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In search of Peace, we have to Criminalise War

It was an HONOUR, definitely an HONOUR, to be exhausted, to have blisters at my feet, to feel every part of my body aching, to not be able to eat because I had to run around here and there, because I was part of such a remarkable, exciting, interesting, inspiring and EXCELLENT event of the year, the PERDANA GLOBAL PEACE CONFERENCE & EXHIBITION 2007 - "Expose War Crimes, Criminalise War".

I know a lot of you out there, especially those I know personally, couldn't attend the event because it was held on working days and Profit-Making industry won't let people take leave to attend events like these. So I thought, I might as well share my experience here, as for sharing knowledge, experience and feelings have become my forte these days (though condemned and criticise, I don't care shit bout that).

The event have taken a whole 6 days of my life out off blogging. Yes. Indeed it had, and was a bit depressing in that sense. Nevertheless, I did manage to "curik" a few moments to run up the Secretariat Room and check the blog to see if anyone misses me. Hehehe. (It was worth the run, I might add).

Ms Cynthia McKinney, a former representative to the House of Representatives for the 4th District of Georgia addressed the forum during the Q&A session.

The event, took place in the Merdeka Hall, PWTC from Monday February 5th until Wednesday February 7th. Although I have been doing the job assigned since, February 1st, despite the holiday, have been coming to work, including Saturday and Sunday. I was at PWTC the whole day.

It was an incredibly informative forum (now I know that depleted uranium exist - okay, don't judge me!) and I learned hell a lot, and a lot of it was hell. Especially listening to "The Man in The Hood", Ali Shalah's testimony, of his hell experience in the Abu Ghraib prison, how the US Army treated the prisioners, god, WaAllahualam, only God knows how much he had suffered. What amazed me the most, is that he was able to read out the testimony, to tell the story (in Arabic, assisted with the English translation as subtitles), he didn't break down as everyone else brokedown and cried. When repeating the story, re-telling it over and over again would mean reliving the life he so much wanted to forget. But I told someone, that he was taken in the prison a normal man, now, he's the strongest man. But there's more coming ahead, the consequences and risk he'll be facing for exposing the truth. It is a scary thought but I have faith when I said he has become "the strongest man", he'll be able to face things that'll come his way.

The incredible turnout to witness the testimony of "The Man in The Hood", Ali Shalah.

There are a lot of things happening in the forum, the incredible individuals that I've met. It was totally a Global event. The speakers are so incredibly great, credible and eloquent in their respective field.

I think I enjoyed most are the ones from these speakers.

Ms Hana Bayaty, who talked about how we should actually support the resistance in Iraq to show how small powers, actually have powers to resist the so-called big powers. Ms Hana Bayaty is a writer and chief editor of Al Ahram Weekly for Iraq and also member of the executive committee for Brussels War Crimes Tribunal. I might just say, she is just so gorgeous, she doesn't look like an Iraqi, with her exotic Mediterranean beauty, one might mistaken her for an Italian lady.

Then, Dr. Christopher Busby, the scientific secretary to the European Committee on Radiation Risk who also edited the recommendations of the ECRR Committee 2003 and also and expert and author on DU. But what would make him memorable is the way he talk (since he is a scientist, one might not expect he would talk casually and freely), and of course, the peace song that he composed and sang in front of the 2000 peace activist who came during his session. He was bombarded with girls coming to him and asking for his autograph as if he's somekind of a rockstar. But a humble scientist, he said "you don't know how much this had boasted my ego".

And the last on my list would be Muhammed Umar, Chairman of the Ramadhan Foundation. A Palestinian who have resided in the United Kingdom. And I must agree with him, that all we want is integration. I quote him, "You can be 100% Muslim, 100% Catholic, 100% Jew or whatever, but what we all want is integration" (unquote).

There more great speakers, but since I was working in and out of the hall, I could really sit and enjoy their sessions. I did enjoy the knowledge I gained from Dr. Leuren Moret, who is a geosccientist and radiation specialist and had testified at the International Tribunal for Afghanistan in 2003 as expert witness on depleted uranium. She told me, she did the research on depleted uranium for 7 years, and 16 hours everyday during that period. Wow! Simply incredible I tell ya! And she was kind enough to have a picture with me and kissed me luck.

Dr. Leuren Moret, the warm and friendly French speaker with the Cosmic Freak

I had the pleasure of talking to a participant who came all the way from Dublin, Ireland. Valerie Shortland, a committee member of the Irish Anti War Movement who came here on the invitation of her friend, Mr. Ibrahim Mousawi, a Palestinian who is one of the expert witness on stand during the War Crimes Tribunal yesterday and also the editor-in-chief for Al-Intiqad & Al Manar TV. Valerie shared with me the progress of her movement, how they are petitioning in Dublin against the entrance of war aircraft in their sky territory (okay, I sound stupid, I don't know the exact term). Valerie right now is off to Bangkok, to join her daughter who volunteered in a government orphanage there, in search of one handicapped Thai orphan with means to sponsor him. I wish her the best of luck in her quest. She might not be able to save 200 children, but saving one would do enough than anyone else who questioned her intention and told her that saving one wouldn't help the situation in general.

The forum have been an eye opener, had encouraged me to work harder.

It is a blessing to just work around such aspiring and inspiring individuals.

I would also wish the best of luck for Tun Dr. Mahathir who have been nominated by the Congress of Bosnik Intellectuals and two Christian groups the Serb Civic Council from Bosnia and Herzegovina and the Croat National Council for the Nobel Peace Prize.

As Ms Cynthia McKinney stated, "Kuala Lumpur is now, the capital for Peace".

So please, don't call this BodohLand anymore. If any of you would do that again, I'd advise you to find a smarter land to live in.

More information can be obtained at the Perdana Global Peace Organisation website and also news can be obtained at the newsroom of Perdana Leadership Foundation portal. In the PGPO website, they promised to upload the mp3 and lyrics for Dr. Christopher Busby's peace song.

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The freak is BACK!

Hi people! I so totally MISS blogging, so, it is possible to have nearly 50 post for today. I am warning you in advance.

First I would like to start with my notebook writings which I had done as a substitute to blogging. Here goes some crappy 13 pages of nothing. But for better view, I mean more readable view, please click on the images okay! It took me awhile to scan it this morning cos Muid (my brother) had taken the scanner to his office so I can only scan at my office now.

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I'll be back later, these are for your morning browse okay! hehehe, gosh, I so miss blogging man! daymne it!

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to compensate

as I won't be in on the morning till after lunch tomorrow, and today is holiday but I'm in the office for a quick stop, I reckon I write some stuff.

its been awhile since I've started writing. and technically, I didn't improve. yes, a new word here and there, the ability to detect typos and so forth, but the writing technique is still the same.

and as I saw adik yasmin's comment for my previous post, that she's been reading my blog for a year now, as flattering as it is, I don't know whether I have managed to give readers the reading pleasure of staying with me all these while.

I know Farisa is so gonna kick my ass for this, as she told me I am a good writer and how she loathe the fact that I always think I'm not good enough.

I know I'm good. But as good enough I am for myself, I'll never be good enough for other people.

But thats the issue that's been in the head of probably a lot of people. Are we good enough for people. As we question that, we are actually stating or sending one particular vibe that we are unaware of, which is "are people good enough for us?"

so, those who kept questioning themselves, humbling themselves to the point of annoying others with their modesty, are actually vain and a narcissist in disguise.

having said that, yes, I'm vain and also a self-confessed narcissist.

tetapi....

kadang kadang orang salah tafsir karya karya saya yang sering diperlihatkan sebagai terlalu terbuka dan terlalu peribadi untuk dikongsi dengan para pembaca.

di kala itu, saya tidak boleh berkata apa apa dan cuma mampu tersenyum.

those are are transparent and wouldn't mind sharing and emoting their feelings, are actually those who have a deeper and darker side of them people would never notice.

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when she holds back her tears

this morning, I switched on my pc and a new mail conversation alert popped up.

I immediately logged in my gmail and read the mail.

and now, I'm just holding back my tears.

it took a person who is millions of miles away to make me smile, feel like I wanted to cry, and look deep inside.

it took a person who is millions of miles away to make me realise something.

in the search of love.

I forgot one thing.

I forgot to love myself.

at first I've decided, if I love myself too much, it'll lead to vanity. and I won't be humble anymore. so I've become selfless. and forgot to love myself.

I realised, there are people who does love me. and if I don't love myself, then I would disappoint the faith of love people have thrusted upon me.

thanks. to you. I really love you too. this morning, after reading your mail, I really in need of a hug and a warm comforting smile. but all I see is the desktop monitor. it is warm and comforting, but its not you. its not Farah. its not Enni. its not you.

On the more larger scale, okay, there's the Thaipusam parade happening where they carry kavadi and stuff. I know I have very very limited knowledge in this. (zewt, isn't deepavali a celebration when the gods won in the battle of good over evil? I didn't know its a new year on the deepavali calendar.) So, it is interesting and pretty amazing to see a whole Indian race, the Hindus in particular, gather, and walk together, regardless social class (I don't think they still practice the caste system here right? anyone please update me on this).

But on the downside, good god (I mean my god), the terrible congestion is just friggin ridiculous I have to say. I was stucked for an hour on jalan kuching since 6.30am to 7.30am. No, I'm not making a racial comment, its just mere citizenship issues. And to add to it, some Indians who had to work, was also a bit moody on the road, hence a couple of deadly stares was received by yours truly. jeezzz!!!

tomorrow is going to be a more bloody day on the road, I should just stick to where the chinese and malays and other races live probably. well, maybe becos the parades other races have usually done at dataran merdeka only. not the entire jalan ipoh-jalan kuching-batu caves. thats a LONG stretch I tell ya!!!

be careful, wise and smart on the road ya people!

.

when I could not hear what I'm telling myself

Last week I went to get a birthday card for my mom. Apparently I'm the card buyer for the family, for everyone's birthday. And I always have to buy 2 cards, from my dad to mom, and from us to mom. it goes like that for everyone's birthday. 2 cards.

its funny, becos I have this thing against writing or buying for other people to give other people. like I don't really like to write people's speeches. I think, everything you want to convey wont be right reading from a given text. if you're the master of improvising, then that's something else.

anyways, I was buying the card, and I noticed that there's extra 2 shelves in the cards section. One for chinese new year, another for valentine's.

another new year coming around the corner. for a multiracial and multireligion country which its people celebrate basically all celebration regardless, for the sake of holiday and sometime off (from whatever commitment they chose to commit their lives to), apparently we celebrate 3 new years, in a year. The new gregorian calendar (2007), the islamic calendar (1428 Hijrah) and the chinese lunar calendar (Year of the Boar). Having stated that, I would just like to wish everyone a new "boaring" year!!! (now I misses those wild boars rampaging through the garbage at my sungai besi house <- those who've been there would know what I'm talking about) but I would actually like to talk on the other shelf. the valentine cards shelf. so, february will be the month to celebrate love. or for those who's nature are love itself, a higher appreciation towards love, happening next month. february will be the month, for me to be busy, but not in love. last february, 14th February 2006 to be exact, I was mugged. there's nothing much to rewrite about the incident, but knowing that I was single, trying to find some quality time having valentine's dinner with a blogger friend, who asked me out becos she too in need of a valentine's celebration but the boyfriend was busy, had a great time making friends with her friends, only to end the night in such tragedy, was itself, a memorable Valentine for me.

as if being single and unloved wasn't enough. I was mugged and my wrist got scratched by the rusty knife from trying to grab my cards and money. the traumatic incident made me look indons differently now. and my using the public transportation less. and my walking alone on the streets faster.

love. if people associate me with love, it would be so totally irrelevant. I have bluffed about love. I have not felt love. I fooled even myself, that I was in love, when apparently I'm not.

no, you're not in love when you're not loved in return.

and on a particular valentine's day, when people celebrate love, I was mugged. it should prove how far I am from love. its not karma. its not about luck, be it a lady or a gentleman.

I am indeed a person who can play with words, and I can go on bluffing on love. but truth be told, I am the dumbest person when it comes to love.

I might say I know love.

apparently, it was love who didn't recognise me.

.

the one after a long pause

smart people knows when they make mistakes.
stupid people learns from the mistakes they make.

something I thought of while driving. when something burned my thighs as reaching UPM Serdang toll. heh.

firstly, I would like to thank my cousin Fatin for giving me such a sweet comment. to inspire is just overwhelming which I try to not take account in any occasion people calls me inspiring. I am a lost soul whose trying hard doing good in this world. sometimes I fail. and at those times, I know its not worth knowing that I inspire people. becos I'm the least person you'd expect to inspire from if you bump into me on the streets. seriously. I don't appear at anyways nice and soothing to look at, let alone inspire or become anyone's muse. and I have a non-piercing gaze. just a nauseating one.

as I'm stealing some time to write before I bury my face on the excel database which have been a part of my working life now, I'd like to reply some comments here.

muid, work-like-whore-licks, what are you trying to say??? I don't know how whore licks. I know horlicks tho! hehehehe ....

zewt, yes, a modern slave. but as I pledge myself into slavery, submitting to the needs and wants of the higher level, I secretly enjoy and took, I mean takes pleasure of everything. S&M in the working world. definitely.

the weekend of good. Cosmic Cell have been a dear to not sulk and fail or die on me, at least save my budget in some sense. I've gotten some new bedsheets and comforter, so bedtime have been good. Plus, my bed is by the window and as I was lying to sleep last night, I was facing to the moon. how cool is that!!! sleeping with the moon. yes. now I dont sleep alone anymore. had my Cosmic Transporter serviced. changed all the bloody filters which I have to take note next time, on their names, descriptions and functions. I want to get some car sticker done to label my Cosmic Transporter. or maybe I just spray it. any suggestions??? hehehehe....

Went to TMPoint in Taman Maluri. Complaint on the services, since my internet have not been transferred to the new line. Bloody Telekom people. Apparently, my line transfer to the new address is still at stage one after freakin' ONE MONTH!!! So, sesiapa yang bekerja dengan Telekom Malaysia tu, let me say this, your services are inefficient and suck big time!!! But having said that, I still have to subscribe to the services. Yes, I'm a bloody hypocrite. At least I admit it. And I say my mind.

this coming week would be another working week. but truth be told, I am actually looking forward for it.

I told my mom, I have decided not to get married. My dad told me, God will decide on my 'jodoh'. I told my mom, rather than wasting a whole 40k for a wedding, I better get myself some diamond earrings, some gadgets, or maybe even a new car or a new house. Thats more satisfying than adding a husband, a marriage and tons of rubbish in my life. she laughed but have no further comment. Neither did my dad.

No, I have nothing against marriage. In fact, with my baby fetish, I am very much looking forward to get pregnant (legally that is) and have babies.

But, I'm just disappointed and lost hope in any male love relationship coming my way and I think, its time to take a longer pause in that department.

pauses are good.

time for you to breathe in ... and breathe out ...

.

inhale. exhale. now hold your breath.

this is a quick one, I swear! hehe.

just got back from "Seminar Jaringan Kerjasama Antara Badan NGOs dengan PEMADAM".

don't ask how I got myself to attend this. heh. met some interesting people. slept through the sessions. yes, thats me. I have short span of attention but endless depth of affection. so I should attend seminar on hugging instead huh.

anyways, there were lots of issues raised during the Q&A session. In which, the legislation consistency with implementation of the campaign giving needles to drug addicts to prevent the spread of HIV/AIDS through sharing of needles. Which is true, you are preventing drug addiction, but somehow, educating drug addicts to be smarter in their drug addiction routines.

however, everything goes with lots of explanations, excuses, further elaborations, statistics, and psychological perspective of it.

for me, I was glad I slept through it. Okay, not that I really put my head on the table and snored. I was doing my 'fishing' act. Hahaha.

and I make friends with people twice my age. Only met a girl, who was 27, but at least, a relief to chat with her.

Good event tho. But maybe just not my thing. But I definitely love the Q&A session. I'm always up for open floor discussion. I can sleep throughout my class and still wake up at the end of the lecture and ask questions. Thats me. Hahaha.

okay. off to work. got meeting later. its going to be a loooonnnnggggg day ahead.

this is a moment to stop and breathe.

(",)

.

the time I wanted to cry, for no reason

"You've achieved success in your field when you don't know whether what you're doing is work or play", the great Warren Beatty once said.

Yes, I did picked it up when Tom Hanks read it as honouring Warren Beatty in the recent Golden Globes awards.

Today, I had to much fun enjoying the event at work although there are some running here and there as work means responsibilities. Many things to brush up on my part, as I just started work for nearly 3 months now.

But the exhaustion at times can make me wanna cry, for no bloody reason.

For no bloody reason meaning that why would I want to cry doing something I enjoyed??!!

For no bloody reason meaning that my task wasn't as hard as I might portray it to be.

For no bloody reason meaning, no, I didn't bleed during the task. Heh.

So there are times, the only thing I would wanna blame is my mind, for thinking how smart and genius it is, but it is not, and I'm not smart, let alone genius, probably born with a low IQ and some stupid funny bones.

I'm not that tired actually. I'm just tired of thinking the long journey home. An hour drive after a tiring eventful day.

Tomorrow, might not be around. Got seminar to attend and probably have to go alone. Hurm.

.

come 1428 Hijrah

there's a lot happened on awal muharam

some friends of mine were blessed with good things to start their new islamic year.

however,

my cousin brother got into an accident on friday morning, and until now, haven't woke up from his coma. he's just 17 years old. my parents rushed back to Ipoh on friday night to visit him but I got home around 8.30pm and was too tired. I just hope he'll be safe and stable. my aunty had been through quite a lot. her eldest daughter was involved in an accident in 2000 and was in a coma for nearly 2 months and had just recently fully recovered. it took her a year to physically recover and 3 years to mentally recover. emotionally, it might take longer. and last two years, my aunt's second son died from an accident, leaving a widow and 4 months old son.

my aunt is a strong woman. I dont have to look for women figures to find a role model. I just go back to Parit, Perak, and there she is, smiling beyond her grief, making sure everyone is greeted once they step into her house, everyone is well fed and everyone is kissed and hugged.

Its funny. Sometimes the strongest and most amazing person sits right there in front of you, and you'll never notice it. I have met some people who are amazing and I'm glad I notice it in them, and proud to say that everyone else might not have the privilege as I had, noticing these silent Caesars, Alexanders, Cleopatras and Joan of Arcs. They are in disguises and being someone who can see through the masquerade mask, and smile to the person behind it, its just my honour. God's gift. For me to be in the presence of these wonderful amazing characters.

I wish I can go back to Parit and meet my Mak Dah and hug her. I know, she wouldn't appear sad. But since I'm a hug-a-holic, I seem to want and would create any excuse to hug anyone. Hehehehe.

But I'll be swamped with work the next 2-3 weeks. All I can do is send my prayers. I hope its enough, at least for the time being. Iskandar will get well, insyaAllah. Lets all hope for the best for him. He has a whole life to live for. If it was me, at least I have tasted the bitter sweet things in life, even though I'm 24, but at least I've got the picture and perspective of some things in life.


Awal Muharam marks the new calendar year for Islam, and a journey to self betterment (Hijrah) to Muslims.

I wish for the best to come my way, and if bitter steps in the path, I hope I can learn why bitter taste like that and how to tolerate bitterness.

I wish that my heart and mind is always open to learning new things. When you take everything as a learning process, it broadens up your space and widens the opportunity to be a better person.

I wish the best for my family and friends. I wish that I never forget to say prayers for those who have thrust some love, care and affection towards me.

I wish this blog touches hearts.

I wish that I'll be a better person.

I wish that people would love me for who I am, not for who they thought I am.

I wish that I'll make my parents proud.

I wish that I'll make myself proud.

I wish that I'll make someone proud. I wish that someone would say "hey, she is indeed a really great person. you should meet up with her and have a conversation with her" of me. (",)

I'm not that interesting. I'm not that pretty. But I wish that I would meet more beautiful souls. As proximity to honest inner beauty can also purify your mind and soothe your bitter day as they would constantly bring smiles to your heart.

Selamat Menjalani Tahun 1428 Hijrah.

Mari kita berpimpinan, berhijrah ke arah yang membawa keberkatan.

* I wont comment anything on the recent cases on freedom of speech being tainted by the authorities, but I'm all for Freedom of Speech and Freedom of writing, so if there's a blogger's united badges and car stickers on sale, please inform me, I would want lots of them! hehehe.

the one I love. but sometimes, I forgot.

I never have the opportunity to keep a childhood friend. I'm a nomad. My parents move about every 3 years.

but there's one girl. whom I've been friends with. since I was 10.

so, to date, she's the oldest friend I've got. a friend for 14 years.

and being me, who tirelessly adding up friends on daily basis, and being human, sometimes I forgot. I forget. I have forgotten. and I will forget.

but. as for this moment that I still can remember. let me just share with you.

her name marks a presence. Dayana Dazman. no, Dazman is not her father. Thats her middle name. Cool huh? I have lots of friends with cool middle name. Yes, mine is cool too. Akma ... Perfect.

Dayana is a special person. Someone so sweet. Someone who have the deepest dimple. And you just wanna stuck a pen in it to measure the depth of it. Heh.

Nana, I know that I might not be excellent in my grammar. Heh. Writing to an english teacher makes me nervous all the time. Its like, I'll be judged and assessed.

But since you're my oldest friend. And I (kind of) have seen you grown up as a women, going through lots of changes in life but still am holding on to the real you.

We might not spend our days together. We might meet once a year. We might claim we know each other when we hardly see each other.

But I practically grew up with you, since Marion Convent in Ipoh to MRSM.

And it bring tears to my eyes just knowing that I do have an old friend, who understands, who comes to my blog to get updates on me. heh.

Our craze for F.R.I.E.N.D.S., sneaking out from night prep to watch tv at the block, running away from wardens, chatting at the EMC room rather than studying. Every single thing. And God knows we're bound together not only becos of the size of our nose, but God brought us together, placing us in the same homeroom when I transferred to MRSM, when the only person I know there were Juraida and you. Its cosmic. Its God's way of taking care of me. Placing me with those who will tend to me, care for me, and love me.

We have ups and downs, there are times I weren't there for you. I'm sorry. Unfavorable circumstances, as life paved different directions for us.

But as I write this with fond memories of us being together, let me end this with some heartfelt sincere words.

I was young and skinny
You were famous and pretty
I was quiet and lonely
You were loud and chirpy

But there's only one road
We run on it together
And as we run, our hands held each other

Not becos we're the only two people running
But becos somehow
I have faith that you'll guide me
I have faith that I won't let you fall

Its getting funnier
The road does not exist in the physical world
You and I don't even live close to each other
We're separated with massive construction and development

But in my cosmic abyss
I see us running
You with your cute bear-like face
Like you always have when you sprint
Me with my 'control consistent' face
Like I always have when I do my long distance running

Together we laugh
And together we cry
And together we understand
That regardless differences
God brought us together
Becos God knows that
I'll care for you
and You'll care for me too.

-abby to dayana 19012007 -

Happy Belated Birthday Nana Baby, thanks. I cant write no more. Now, I just want to smile.

.

hello ... you fool ... I love you ....

there's a lot of things going smooth and great this morning. my first day reciting koran at the new house. thats a good start. it made my day. and as I left the house at 6.30am, the crescent moon was SO BEAUTIFUL. Subhanallah. Cantik nya sang bulan. Noting this Saturday is Awal Muharam, entering a new Hijriah year for the Muslims. Its a Saturday, so I just hope that Friday night, I can go home earlier to recite the Doa Akhir and Awal tahun. I didn't get to do it last year. And if I end up doing it in the office this year, it wouldn't be as fun.

Anyways, the sight of the clear sky with stars and the most perfect beautiful moon just made me smile. and the break of dawn. I saw the small bright light breaking through and from my view, included KLCC Twin Towers and Menara KL, a small streak of light coming from below as the dark sky still cherishes the stars and moon, its a perfect picture moment. And what made it more perfect, is that I dont have a camera with me. I snapped it through my eyes and stored it in my heart. Every now and then, I close my eyes and see the beautiful picture. (",) And I arrived a bit late to the office. 7.35am. Yes, thats late in my clock. for I don't like to be late. But becos I had such a calm and peaceful morning, I went to McDonalds drive-thru and get me some breakfast. What else to accompany a good spiritual morning then a good breakfast? Yelah, maybe you'll say duit itu pergi pada Yahudi. Hurm... Yang membuatnya orang melayu, insyaAllah menggunakan barangan halal, so putting that in mind, okay la kot. hehehe.

I'm not in my poetic mood yet. Perhaps later. I want to write something about sang bulan dan sang mentari. I'll gather my thoughts and see what I can come up with.

yes .... talking about the moon, and the sun, and sometimes the stars, does make me look like a fool. for I am a love foolosoper. foolishly in love with people who does not love me. but better a fool in love than a genius who nevers appreciate love, right? heh.

.

the longer quickie ... should it be called quicker?

heh. I know. I'm no English genius. My English sucks! Big Time! Friends who are better, constantly correct me. Good though, knowledge are meant to be shared.

I actually got 25 mins to a Staff Meeting but I decided to write something. As for the time being, I'm restless, in need of Vanilla Coke (apparently the caffein in the coffee isn't enough, I need SUGAR), craving for a choc fudge doughnut from Dunkin' Donuts which I wanted to go out and buy earlier but had something to prepare for boss by 2pm, and yes, now, am hungry, whiny, bitchy and the like.

Shoot! I forgot what I wanted to write about! Hahaha.

Boss gave me a book to read. Its called, "Writing to the Bones" by Natalie Goldberg. Yes, adding to the endless to-read and still-reading list I have, I tend to finish this book in the next 2 days, since it was lent by boss and of course, I should show some repo for fast reading, since I'm doing publication works. hehehe. Its a good book. It reminded me how I used to write, on papers, with a pen. I will write and once, I let someone read my thoughts. Funny. It was supposed to be a personal journal but I let people read it. There goes privacy? Hurm .... Depends on how you view it.

In life, all I ever wanted was to help others. Yes, my dad calls me "muka welfare". Becos suka benar nolong orang. People will label it as "people's pleaser", or "people's slave". But no, I dont see it that way. I see it as helping. Funny. Yes. Stupid. More or less. Weird. Most definitely. Practical. Not in this world.

So, if I can write, and share, and help people understand certain situations, certain traits, certain people's behaviour, maybe thats my vocation. I might not be a good writer. I might have the worst grammar, the most simple vocabulary, the idiotic self-made phrases, but I'll write and try to help. In any way that I can. Within my means.

No, I'm not good at what I do, at anything, even at loving, becos apparently, I lost the love, if I were any good, things wont drift away from my path. No, no tokyo drift imagination please.

So, I'll write. And share. Private things. General things. I'll omit things that I would want to omit. I'll fake things I'll want to fake. But for those who read, and have a heart, they'll figure out how I write. Its from the heart. (",)

I know, its not the end, but there's no harm thanking some people. a nanatanjung who said recently that she's a fan. along ariff said she's an avid reader. I'd like to thank them both for saying that.

and for the others who have said I write some honest stuff, those who laughed, those who smiled, those who chuckled, those who enjoyed, those who woke up at 5am and read something that I've written and realise there's still hope out there. I thank you all. for connecting with me.

for those who are older than me and continue to read what an inexperience 24 year old thinks of the world and agrees with it, plus sharing their thoughts on some, thank you. I thought I'd only connect with the younger ones. But then again, I'll always see myself a 30 yr old soul trapped in a 24 yr old body. heh.

for those who drops by, reads, does not leave any comment, and carries on with their life. I wish you good luck.

for those who hates my writings. thinking what an emotional twit, whiny little bitch who constantly crave for the invisible whatsoever love she thinks she have. thanks. at least I'm pictured as a "not so nice" person by some, I'm flattered. heh.

I'm a sinner. I know so.

But everyday, we learn to be better.

On my 17th birthday, I wrote on the birthday cake plate my friends bought for me, "The Hardest but most Important thing in life, is to find yourself".

Today, this morning, after subuh, I remembered the moment I wrote it. I smiled.

In my cosmic abyss, I kind of found myself. In a way. So, I'm thanking everyone who ever ter'click, dropby here.

Have a lovely Tuesday afternoon.

.

the one to share

you'll never know where you're heading to until you know where you came from. a wise man once said that. I took it seriously.

opah came by last saturday. her first visit since we moved in. opah is my father's mother. during my younger days, with the constant moving and all, I was never close to opah. we were never did, my siblings. lately, as I grew older, its easier to talk to her.

I wrote once when I tended to her for a good 2 weeks. my maid left and I was at home just finished studying. so, she came and stayed for 2 weeks. I practically were her breakfast, lunch and dinnermate. and we talked about everything when we have the chance, if she's not reciting the qur'an or praying.

last saturday, she asked how my work and traveling is. I told her, its pretty tiring to travel but work is great as for I got the opportunity to meet great people, have tea and lunch with them and just work within the vicinity of one of the greatest leader in the world, its just a blessing for me. she constantly said how she prayed for me and grateful to the Lord for giving me these opportunities.

then she started her story.

opah dulu cikgu. selepas sekolah rendah, at the age of 12, she had became a teacher. imagine! teacher at 12 years old. bila budak2 berlari tak dengar kata, opah would scream calling the headmaster, "Cikgu Besar! Tengok budak budak ni!". This is before the independence, late 1930s.

opah dulu walked 3 miles to her school to teach. even when she was pregnant, she walked 3 miles. kalau naik basikal, bahaya. so better walk. but still, 3 miles is a long journey for a pregnant lady.

opah buka cerita tentang my ancestors. from her side, my great great great (tak tahu la berapa banyak great daaa) grandfather came from Patani. He was actually the key holder to the palace for Kerajaan Patani. kemudian, he travelled down south melalui sungai golok and through sungai perak, ended up at parit, perak. I've shorten this version as I couldn't recall it. shame on my memory when opah can still remember all the names. she was telling me this tale, and then my aunty nak ajak her balik, but she said, "tunggu, mak tengah cerita ni. sementara masih ingat". they was surprised how I was so interested to listen becos apparently only the two of us left in the living room, she story telling, me quitely listening. I will ask her more and jot it down next time. I need to jot this down. next time, insyaAllah.

a friend once told me that I'll look like opah when I get older. I don't know that. but what I do know, I hope to inherit her righteousness, her memory hebatness, and her patience. I also would love to inherit my maktok's (my mom's mother) patience. both grandmothers are patient women. (",)

I felt like sharing becos I know some of us have lots our grandmothers, and some of us have them still but forgot to spare some time to sit down and talk to them.

some who have lost, we send out our prayers for them and prayed the best for them. no on lives forever. god loves them more and wanted to have them up there earlier.

I lost both my grandfathers when I was still young. Sad to know that I never had the chance to be as this grown up who have the initiative to sit down and talk to them. the only fond memories of them were my atuk (opah's husband) used to give us (me and cousins) sweets whenever he got back from his morning coffee at the chinese coffee shop in pekan parit, and of my tok ayah (maktok's husband) combing my hair on raya morning whenever we went back to kelantan.

I hope I'll live long to pass on the stories I got from opah and maktok to my children and grandchildren.

"afis kalau boleh nak semua orang hidup sampai afis mati. lepas tu baru boleh sorang sorang mati"
-afis (my youngest 'big' adorable brother) when asked what will he do when all of us have died-

(",)

.

no longer crying

I've decided to not cry.

I've decided to not grief.

I've decided to just wait.

Wait till the day I'll be seen as important.
Wait till the day I'll be seen as worthy.
Wait till the day I'll be hug, and kiss, and love ... wholeheartedly, once again.

Those who wait are not passive. They're just patient.

Those who are patient are not cowards. They just happen to enjoy waiting.

Aside from all that, my weekend have been very slow, but relaxing. I had quite a friday night. coming home quite late from work, I left the office at 8.10pm, with an invitation for drinks at hartamas to meet my girls, but as I reached home, it was already raining heavily and my parents refused to let me out of the house. So, after shower, I fell asleep on the bed, only to be waken by a phonecall. A friend called and said that he's around Selayang. So, I asked my parents the permission to meet him up, then, alang-alang, asked him to take me to Hartamas instead. Hehehehehehe .... A joyride and some great quality time with him, then with the girls, then my first foosball experience. Haha. It was a great night.

Saturday and Sunday was cleaning day. My room is 80% perfect now. Okayla, 75%. Hahaha. Once I got it done, I will post my mini library corner here. Yeay!!! I got a mini library!!!!!! Its cool cos I sleep facing the shelves and even though I don't have the chance to read all of the books, sleeping while looking at it just calms me. Working in a library and going home to a mini library. No, I'm no bookworm. I just love books! Heh.

However .... Still scrolling down those old old text messages in my phone while my mind sings "Memories ......." .... hehehe ... minus the CATS freakingly weird costumes of course.

Have a nice kick-ass MONDAY everyone!

.
.

for peace's sake people!

In the words of Lao Tsu:

If there is to be peace in the world, the nations must live in peace.

If there is to be peace among nations, the cities must not rise up against each other.

If there is to be peace in the cities, neighbours must understand each other.

If there is to be peace among neighbours, there must be harmony at home.

If there is to be peace at home, we must each find our own heart.

Perdana Global Peace Conference & Exhibition “Expose War Crimes: Criminalise War

The Perdana Global Peace Organisation (PGPO) will be organising the Perdana Global Peace Conference and Exhibition “Expose War Crimes: Criminalise War” from 5th to 7th February at the Putra World Trade Center, Kuala Lumpur. The Conference and Exhibition is the continuation of efforts to support the Kuala Lumpur Initiative to Criminalise War launched by Tun Dr. Mahathir in 2005.

The Conference and Exhibition will feature an appearance from a victim of the infamous tortures at Abu Ghraib prison, survivors of the Hiroshima bombing and witnesses of the war and cruelties in Iraq. Tun Dr. Mahathir will give a keynote address for the Conference and he will be joined by an assembly of internationally renowned speakers to share their views on war and world crimes. Admission is free and registration can be made via the PGPO website at http://www.perdana4peace.org.

Please register early! You can download the registration form online via the website at the address above. Seats are based on first come first serve basis. As the admission is free, all you need to do is find the time, and the means to go there, easy as that. Its a very good event. Do support us if you are a person who loves peace.

By the way, I just found out the New Zealand is a nuclear-free zone, they are against nuclear weapons and they also have their own Ministry of Peace where every other nation in the world have Ministry of Defence. A good thought for a country situated right next to Australia, which it's Prime Minister is so PRO-WAR, right.

Now, New Zealand is on top of my list to further my studies, ehehehehehe....

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an airy brain

there comes a time when I often realise what a fool I've become. and I end up laughing at myself as my face blushes with shame, being bashful for my own stupidity, idiotic actions. I'd go and say, "thats stupid la abby, dang!"

then I took a deep breath, smile, told myself "ala, lantak la."

so,

does this mean that I have multiple personality? heh. if thats the case, I should have segregate my blogs to fit my different personalities. instead of just having a doppelganger, I successfully created the entire hollywood database only with my several personalities. hahaha. the drama queen. the eccentric and opinionated teen. the bimbo heir. the grunge indie lover. the motherly humanitarian. the rockstar groupie. owh no, I wont add in anna nicole smith or liza mineli in my list, no thanks. hah.

with this several side of me, I often end up explaining myself, explaining my actions, and people get confused, on why should I bother to explain.

its like when a child behaves weirdly, the mother will explain to the guest "dia ni memang macam ni perangai dia, sebab masa kecik dulu, pernah terlepas jatuh daripada buai". heh. thats how I am. I will explain my actions becos sometimes, one of two personalities went out of control and the dominant one have to explain the actions of the rebel. yes, they've made a movie out of the syndrome. Identity with John Cusack in it. Hah. and no, I didn't tiru itu movie just to make the post interesting. This just honestly how I feel. but, then again, can honesty be measured in a virtual web connected by binary codes performing as data, transferred by cabels that gets interrupted easily by natural disasters? Can you see or feel if I'm honest or not?

yesterday I left the office quite early, at 7pm. I got to bid the sun farewell, and as I glanced at my rear mirror, she sort of wave back to me. Hah. Its been awhile since I left the office while the sun is still shining.

No, I'm not workaholic.

I just have nothing to look forward to go back to.

My friends are all away busy. My parents are worried, but recently I have done nothing good to please them I guess. My room is a mess. The house is in a mess. Lots of boxes still left unpacked and I so dont have the mood to do it. Maybe becos actually, I'm ashamed of myself for being utterly tired from the one hour traveling to and fro work, that I could not lend my help to the family.

I have no interest in watching the TV. Yes, this coming from a former tv freak who watch everything, even those korean soap dramas, and believe it or not, sometimes that Macam Macam Aznil and AC di sini show. Hahahaha.

my phone line haven't been activated. Bad thing, cos I need internet connection at home. Good thing, I won't bergayut at the phone or thinking to dial the numbers of those I miss.

I haven't been calling my friends much. I used to call everyone. I love keeping in touch. Just saying hi even though they're busy. Just to let them know that I'm thinking of them. And thheir presence in the world matters. But since, the love vibe has not successfully or fully reciprocated, I have erased that good spirit of keeping in touch with friends from my heart. whats the point? I only call those who calls. I've become one of them.

Its funny to see yourself, the person you've become, and you want to reach out and tell her, she's changed, but you can't, becos you've been part of what contributed to that change. you didn't say no when she wanted to change. you didn't warned her when she was swept away with the changes. point one finger to her, and the rest of the four fingers points back at you.

10 minutes to 5.30pm. thats when the office hours end. but I rarely go back at 5.30pm. thats when I start doing my work. I go back at 8pm. and usually, I'll be the last girl in the building, the remaining will be another male colleague and the security guards.

my life have no point elsewhere aside from the office. I see bright and clear in my career path, but nothing in love and other parts of it.

what does it feels like to want and go home to something?

Don't get me wrong, I do go home back to my family, yes. I cherish them so much, of course. I'll be sad to leave the house without kisses from my parents (like this morning, cudn't find my dad to get goodbye kisses from him becos I was late - 6.30am, yes, thats late in my clock). I love the conversations I have with Muid and our mamak sessions and going to shopping malls with him (he's a shopaholic, and no, I'm not). I like Afis saying its okay if I want to sleep with him on his bed and doesn't mind me hugging him all night long. I like weekends when my sister comes home and she calls me "abby rabbies" and starts messing with my hair. I like when my younger sister fiqah updates me on the latest music news.

but aside from that. there's nothing else. and in that part, I felt empty.

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in the midst of ............ missing u

baru kini ku tahu, nilai cintamu

there's a lot of things that have been going, but all I could do is counting .... counting the seconds .... no sms .... no calls .... no nothing .... tick .... tick .... tick .... thursday .... friday .... saturday .... sunday .... monday .... tuesday .... wednesday .... nothing ....

funny.

I got lots of work ... events to help with ... going back home .... more unpacking to do.

and all I can think of .... missing you .

but being a multi tasker, its not hard, I'm not yet in the danger zone where I can go towards an emotional breakdown. no, abby's too smart for that. she might breakdown, but in pretence, becos she's too smart for that.

I'll still be counting .... while my body is doing work. (",)

have a happy wednesday peeps!

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one woman freak show

I just read an article on The Star Online about a movie I've been anxiously waiting for. Berbagi Suami. An indonesian movie which opens January 11 cinema nation-wide. I don't think I can afford going to watch it in the near future, but I'm not the kind of person who lines up to watch the first show of any movie. I'll wait for the convenience of my time and money, and make my way, either to the dvd pirate, heh, or the legal vcd retailer, or yes, the cinemas.

But this movie, is something else. I don't know, I just feel it. And I really wanted to watch it. Even more when I saw Shanty in it. Heh. Yeah, I'm THAT shallow.

So, the Star article read "One Woman too many".

I should describe myself, one woman freak show.

By all means, I have no problem with poligamy issue, PROVIDED that the husband still loves the other wives, no less. I believe in poligamy in relationship PROVIDED the spouse, the partner, or the lover, still loves you, no less.

People fall in love, they can't help it. When people fall, thats when YOU RISE to be the better person, to love without hoping anything in return, okay, that maybe overstating it, AT LEAST hoping appreciation of the endless love given.

But, knowing me, ONE WOMAN FREAK SHOW, I can't imagine how my partner would deal with me alone, and why on earth my partner would want another person when I can have multiple personalities. Hahahaha!

Another thing why I kind of consent with the issue of poligamy, is because I am well aware of the quota every man for 16 women, and as a selfless person who understand that men comes from Mars and have 2 extra brain 'down there', its only rationale to accept why God have made it legal in the first place. PROVIDED the situation is within the affordability of the said men.

A guy friend of mine were quite surprised with my views, although haven't experience sharing partners before, I have consented to something I have no say of the emotional baggage that comes with it.

But if you have put a certain open mindedness in matters like this, the alternatives to problem solving decisions could be widen. Thats how I see it. An inexperienced young person trying to "bertatih" in the world of love.

I haven't update my review blog for awhile huh. I should watch a movie la. Its been awhile. I just got Cinema Paradiso, and watched it halfway without subtitles. Heh. No, not gonna be another annoying movie critic, no worries. Just wanted to watch things that have inspired some people, see if I can get inspired.

Did you guys manage to catch "House of D" on Astro? Its David Duchovny's directorial debut, and Erykah Badu's acting debut and no matter how many times I've watched it (dated wayy back in 2004 when nobody's even heard of the movie), I'll cry, yes, Robin William always make people cry, right. Its a very good movie, in my eyes. Heartfelt. I wrote a review for my friend who needed a movie review for her assignment. She didn't use it tho, but nonetheless, its always nice to help a friend, regardless.

(teringat my ustadz masa sekolah, dia tengok kitaorang in class, 4 girls bergelak ketawa sama sama, during which we were on the topic of "Poligami", he said, "korang ni dah kawan baik baik, senangkan cerita, cari je satu suami kongsi. Kan senang, dah kenal, takde gaduh gaduh". ... amboi, senang je dia cakap kan - tepuk air di dulang, terpercik ke muka sendiri, aiyark! -)