The Cosmic Wise and Crappy Words

Monday, April 13, 2009

The Vow

Do you date?

No, I don't. Do I need to date?

Well, everyone looks for love.

No, maybe not me. Maybe I don't know. Maybe there's no one for me. Maybe. But, frankly speaking, I don't care. I do appear like a fucked up emotional person, but I realised, all I have time for is work, trying to please my parents, trying to make amends for not being home enough, trying to accommodate friends here and there and trying to survive.

What if someone comes up to you and tell you they like you?

I doubt there's any.

Don't you want to be with someone?

I am very insecure. I don't think I'm a girlfriend-material type of person. Everyone loves to hangout with me, but they're scared of dating me, I guess.


Because I want more. I want companionship and equal partnership. Something people around me don't believe anymore. Its more like a sexual lovey dovey experience when dating is concerned. Its more like being socially accepted and trying to fit in.

Have you been in love? You sound so skeptical about it.

I have, yes. In the most deep way. We found comfort in partnership, being at the same intellectual level, understanding the same things we face, and believing in each other's dream and passion.

Then what happened?

Then it became too good to be true and somehow, it seems unattainable.

How is it too good to be true?

Because we lost the spark. We became 2 people who complements each other, who trusts each other so much until I got too comfortable not fighting for what I want.

So then, trust is overrated in this case?

No, it was misused. By both parties.

How are you going to move on if you're not letting go?

I have moved on. I let go. But apparently, I don't find the need to stop anywhere anymore. They all wanted something I can't give. And they are not willing to give something that I want.

Can you live a life without even flings?

Flings are tiring.

Are you sexually deprived then?

No, I'm celibate ... for now.

Are you looking for someone?

It'll be nice to have someone. But for now, I'm nobody's find.

But people do find happiness in love.

I wish them all the best. I respect those who does, I wish for the best of love between them and their loved ones. I'm too insecure for love. Hence I became a skeptic. But thats my own take. Some people believe in God, some people don't, thats their own take. Mine is this. I believe in love, but its not for me yet.

Do you think all this negativity about love is somehow sending a negative aura that blocks love from coming your way?

Everything happens for a reason.

And what might your reason be?

That I'm a troublesome 26 year old who have dual personality issue to come up with such a conversation with this voice in my head and document it in my blog.

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Wednesday, February 18, 2009

The day I heard you smile.

The moment I fell in love with Tagore. My Bengali colleague said the whole Bangladesh is in love with him and he is the only person in the world who has written 2 national anthems.

(Taken from:

The Gardener by Rabindranath Tagore

If you would have it so,
I will end my singing.

If it sets your heart aflutter,
I will take away my eyes from your face.

If it suddenly startles you in your walk,
I will step aside and take another path.

If it confuses you in your flower-weaving,
I will shun your lonely garden.

If it makes the water wanton and wild,
I will not row my boat by your bank.

Today I learn some new hindi songs. How beautiful they are. Like those portugese bossa nova I love so much. Can life be simple. When bumble bees grabs your attention. And sun rays light your sight.

Today is poetry day. I'm reading Tagore, Neruda, Rilke, and Rumi in between craziness of work.

If You Forget Me

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists:
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.
-- Pablo Neruda

tq abby, for the beautiful proses to punctuate my day as i slug through another day of my study week...

No worries Caryn, beautiful words are meant to be shared!

and beautiful voices too. am stuck on dido and katie melua today.

Apparently I got my colleague who just told me she's a fan of rumi as well, so it makes me love office even more.

Bibi K:-
Sedih la... my lonely garden is not a garden anymore, its a field of weeds...


Bibi K:-
Painful isn't it??? Not half as painful when one needs to tend the garden and yank out them bloody lalangs! *sigh* hahahaha


You keep me rolling off my chair *in my mind of course* all the time Bibi!!!! I can't wait to ambush one of your shows now (tho I need to stay far from you before you come and haunt the rest of my life!)

pablo neruda!
i have part of rilke's poem tattoed on my leg.
poetry is so beautiful

which part of rilke? what line???

OMG is that what was tattoed there?

You memang champion la Mira!

Li Mei:-
i like... pablo neruda - the saddest poem

ah. that is a very very nice pick.

The first time I fell in love with Rumi was because of this:-

Oh Beloved,
take me.
Liberate my soul.
Fill me with your love and
release me from the two worlds.
If I set my heart on anything but you
let fire burn me from inside.

Oh Beloved,
take away what I want.
Take away what I do.
Take away what I need.
Take away everything
that takes me from you.

Li Mei:-
oh! reading it again....
it reaches into my core so raw.. boo. i remember who this reminded me of. and...'I no longer love her, true, but perhaps I love her. Love is so short and oblivion so long.'

hahahahaha......... emo sial. NUFF!

Hahahahahahaha ... Relax, jangan Emo okay! :-P

Poetries are meant to touch your cores.

Li Mei:-
poetry touches one's core like how a fork touches the egg yolk of yr telur mata kerbau...

o pecah! mengalir bendalir kuning ke atas indomee saya! sedapkan?

haha.. omg. i think i need sleep.

Hahahahahah, kelakar la kau. :-P

bendalir kuning!!!!! hahahaha .... but itu yang bagi sedap indomee, no?

me loves the telur mata kerbau too... "take away everything, that takes me away from you". sigh, so beautiful.

So everyone can be touched to the egg yolk:-

The Saddest Poem

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.

Write, for instance: "The night is full of stars,
and the stars, blue, shiver in the distance."

The night wind whirls in the sky and sings.

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

On nights like this, I held her in my arms.
I kissed her so many times under the infinite sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her.
How could I not have loved her large, still eyes?

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
To think I don't have her. To feel that I've lost her.

To hear the immense night, more immense without her.
And the poem falls to the soul as dew to grass.

What does it matter that my love couldn't keep her.
The night is full of stars and she is not with me.

That's all. Far away, someone sings. Far away.
My soul is lost without her.
As if to bring her near, my eyes search for her.
My heart searches for her and she is not with me.

The same night that whitens the same trees.
We, we who were, we are the same no longer.

I no longer love her, true, but how much I loved her.
My voice searched the wind to touch her ear.

Someone else's. She will be someone else's. As she once
belonged to my kisses.
Her voice, her light body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, true, but perhaps I love her.
Love is so short and oblivion so long.

Because on nights like this I held her in my arms,
my soul is lost without her.

Although this may be the last pain she causes me,
and this may be the last poem I write for her.
-Pablo Neruda

Li Mei:-
neruda is forking good : ) eggceptional.

Well said Li Mei. Altho my heart is still with Rumi.

hahahaha eggceptionally enchanting. i've read that on kak min's blog before i think. i loved it then, and i love it now. all of a sudden i feel like having maggi goreng with telur mata kerbau on top. (ni tak lunch lagi ni...)


A moment of happiness,
you and I sitting on the verandah,
apparently two, but one in soul, you and I.
We feel the flowing water of life here,
you and I, with the garden's beauty
and the birds singing.
The stars will be watching us,
and we will show them
what it is to be a thin crescent moon.
You and I unselfed, will be together,
indifferent to idle speculation, you and I.
The parrots of heaven will be cracking sugar
as we laugh together, you and I.
In one form upon this earth,
and in another form in a timeless sweet land.

sigh. loving these love poems

that is beautifully deep, i love love poems. it makes me cry, sigh, i miss someone...

You guys appreciate good stuff.

And for that, you guys deserves humongous scores from me.

We all read the same words
We all smile the same smile
We all miss someone somewhere
Wishing that tomorrow, hope, will still be there.

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Tuesday, September 09, 2008

the first time ever


*chuckles* Hi.

What's so funny?

Nothing. Its you.

Yes, Its me.

*silence* *smile*

Have you been waiting for me?

Should I?

Yes, you should.


Because ... I came here just for you.

Was it a promise made to me, you coming here?

No. It was a promise I made to myself.

So. Now. We're here.

I'm here. That was my promise to myself. But are you here?

What do you mean?

Do you want to be here? With me?

Yes. I do.




*giggles* Hi. I'm Love. And you are?

I'm You.


Monday, August 18, 2008

rays of sun

(written on August 16th, 2008 - Saturday - at Palate Palette)

A little ray came shining through
The wound started to bleed
The heat somehow punctured the wound

Drops of rain
Dropping through the piercing sun

The thought of the Beloved
How much I am missing
Missing someone who's not there

Run faster away

I inhaled the nicotine stick
I sipped the alcoholic drink
My wound is still bleeding

These words end here.


Friday, August 15, 2008

Not Going to Fall

(written at the 1st floor of KFC Jalan Bukit Bintang on August 13th, 2008)

A new leaf
Not going to fall anytime soon

Come autumn I'll still bloom
Not going to fall anytime soon.

A new person
Coming out from a cocoon

Till come a time I fall
Will I stand up and still be new?

A new person and a new leaf
Trapped in the air inside a balloon

Thrown into the sky floating by the moon
Not going to fall anytime soon.


Friday, August 01, 2008

just a thought

you are out there
I am here
we were once together
now nothing seems to be near

I often wonder
of the live you're living now
how fun and nice it is
without me by your side

I wanted to believe that its me
Who fucked up this whole thing
And you walked out to let me be
Far away from more pain and suffering

Today I read your first message
And that free smile you gave
Today the weak side of me misses you so much
Although physically I appear strong and brave

I bet you're happy with your friends
The ones who stabbed me from the back
And hope they'll be better friends than me
And give you better love and respect than I'll ever can spare

This is me, with the broken heart.
That is you, with the new life.

Then was us, good friends who always share.
Then was us, good friends who always cared.

You left without goodbyes and haunts my mind
I stayed here with guilt and bath with tears
I often wonder if I'll bump into you
Should I smile or disappear.


Tuesday, July 08, 2008

something I wrote on the bus


when I met him, he seems vaguely familiar.
we acted as if we've met before.
we laughed as old friends does.

somehow, suddenly, I remembered.
it was him.
the guy from my dreams.
even though in those dreams, I could never see his face.

this time it is for real.
he's here, so very near.

but why do I secretly hope,
that this be
just another dream to me?


Wednesday, May 09, 2007

finding hope

they meet when things weren't tough.

they were two different people from two different world.

one who lost hope that no matter how much love she has inside, she would never deserve to be loved.

the other one lost faith that there is someone out there who would love, unconditionally, endlessly and sincerely.

they met in a weird web of connections.

one was finding the meaning of life.

the other was finding the space to breathe from a hectic life.


human being is a complex subject matter. studies been done, fields expanded and dedicated to narrow it down. yet no one can understand the true form of human heart, that of feelings, that of things, unknown to the microscopes and chemicals in the lab.


its the thinking that brought us knowledge. its the feeling that brought us love.

will the one who doesn't deserve anyone's love, be able to love unconditionally, endlessly and sincerely?

will the one who lost faith in the possibility of true love deserve someone with so much love inside?

lets us all find hope. and ask her if she'll drop by in our lives.

*notice the change in the background? owh yes, thats my hair. and no, I don't have kutu! hehehe ....

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Sunday, May 06, 2007

to being safe. to being on air. to being gorgeous.

abby and alin

So, she's leaving on a jetplane. literally. I didn't give her any farewell gift. let me give this poem, for f*%# sake. heh.

----- # -----

to being safe
like the secure feeling that I feel
when I hug you so dearly
and I feel you so close to me.

to being on air
not just on the airplane
but as a guiding soul who looks after
when I'm lost and in need of guidance.

to being gorgeous
not with superficiality in the world
but the beauty of the soul
that you have beneath that tender smile of yours.

its weird, we don't meet that much
its funny, we don't talk that much
but thats no excuse to not love you as much
and thats no excuse to not miss you this much.

----- # -----

those were my final toast as we raised our glasses and see each other's smiles. they look around for someone with the right final words. I look around, glanced towards her and ended up staring at the glasses high up touching each other. I spoke out loud.

To Alin. to being safe. to being on air. to being gorgeous.

See you in a few months time babe. I love you so much!


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Monday, April 23, 2007

whats not broken

there are things you want to do
there are things you want to feel

but there are also things that keeps on holding you back
the thought of risks involved
the thought of fear
the thought of failure

when you love and got hurt
you challenged yourself
who else to love and how much more

when you fail and felt stupid
you challenged yourself
who else to prove and what more to read

there are two things I fear most
not being love
and not being able to think sanely

some say I'm young, I need more time
some thinks I'm old enough to fully use my brain

sometimes I feel that I'm never good enough
to be worthy of something
to be deserving of love

sometimes I know there are people
who can't even come close to be the person I am

but nothing matters when the one you love fails to see
and nothing matters when the one you respect fails to trust

whats left is you
alone, in confusion
figuring the areas within your heart
whether its untapped,
or broken.



kau lukis hati ku, hati mu jadi satu.

I’ve made a decision and I didn’t execute it well. Maybe becos deep down inside, I hesitate myself in making such decision. Becos I still care. Becos I still feel. And mostly becos I still love.

I went back to where I was, but from a slightly different space. I said I wanted space and I’m giving space. But it didn’t occur to me the space mentioned was refraining myself from the most comforting hug I’d crave since the day I started loving. I hesitate to hug. I hesitate to kiss. I was afraid. I was so afraid.

Sometimes, you thought the fear of someone hating you is the scariest thing that would happen, especially for someone, a people pleaser like you.

What you’re actually afraid of is the thought that someone no longer loves you.

Lately, I found comfort in writing in my notebooks. Going back to the basics, papers and pens.

But this is one poem that I wrote in my notebook that I felt strongly to share here.

I miss you
And nothing can stop this.
I love you
Even my confusion of the matter can’t deny this.

I can’t hate you
Not that I wanted to.
I can’t have you
No matter how hard I tried.

The more I push you away
The thought of you comes with every single beat of my heart.
I don’t know what to do.

I’m living this life
Not knowing you love me
Or you miss me
Even if you do
I might die not knowing

But it didn’t matter now
As long as you know this
That I miss you, I really do.
That I love you, more than you know who.

hurm ........ it gets tiring. Refraining from a hug. Just when I needed one so badly. Argh, its tiringly stupid being a hug-a-holic. I felt stupid. I really do.



Saturday, April 07, 2007

I lifted my head slowly

who are you?

I'm the Beloved.

who's Beloved?


i don't believe you. if i have a Beloved, why didn't i feel the love?

I'm your Beloved. That means YOU're the one who loves me.

owh yes, silly me. I am indeed a silly person. I'm a fool for love.

Why are you asking about not feeling love? Have you lost the passion to love me?

maybe. i forgot. i don't know.

Owh ...

do you want me to love you?

It's up to you.

do you?

I don't know.

whats the point of loving you like a fool I am, when you don't even care? That's just selfish, don't you think?

I don't know.

for a moment, I smiled. then slowly, I laughed at myself. I'm proud to have love, and stupid enough to not be loved in return. I'm proud to have found someone who would understand me, and stupid enough to not make the person mine.

I end up laughing hysterically at myself. then stopped, for a chuckle and a sigh.

I don't know where I stand, and where would I go. I don't know the depth of love I'm feeling and the sacrifices I'm willing to make.

right about now, I just am afraid of losing the Beloved. be it that I'm not loved in return. I told myself again and again, this is enough, for now. but my rationalisation is not satisfying enough.

rebellion and retaliation comes to mind. but sanity blocks all insane thoughts.

move on.

but where to go?

move forward.

but where does it leads me to?

you don't know where you're going, until you know where you've come from, a wise man once said.

I know where I came from, I know how much I can love.

but now I don't know where to go, and who to love.

and what to do.


Tuesday, April 03, 2007

the silent cosmic

At the same place
At the same table
But with a different pen
and a different paper

The thoughts somehow
flows in the same pattern
Without direction
Searching for things
that a normal, simple-minded
person would fail to see.

Within the chaotic envirenment
With m0saic sounds and noises

The heart remains silent
The voice unheard
and the whispers fade.

Somehow the ground is not
solid anymore
Somehow the sky is not
that high anymore

Everything is within reach
Yet everything deemed intangible.

I went home early yesterday, wanting some break. And I stopped by my usual place (I'm straining on the "usual" as the anney looks very very please to see me, hahahahaha), and I took a moment and wrote the above poem (is it??? ). Later, I got some quality time with my priority babe. hehehe. Yes, I've gotten her attention, and might I add, full frontal affection. But Fozz, you know I love you!


Thursday, March 29, 2007

the silence.

where have you been?

she smiled. she slowly reached for my hand. and clutch it. firmly. with love. I can feel the love running from her veins, touching mine. the blood vein connects and flows endlessly. we're one.

I forgot that I just asked her a question. I forgot what question I asked her. I forgot why I would ask her a question.

I was so taken by the rush of blood. the warm blood. from one vein to another. but from a different body. it became one. there's no A or B or O type. there's just one. and we're sharing it.

I lean my head on her shoulders. it went up and down following the rhythm of her breath, inhaling, exhaling.

I took her hands to my mouth and kissed it. I want to feel her on my lips. I want her to feel my warm lips.

we sat there. in silence. sharing the rush of blood. sharing the warmth of hands. sharing the silence.

time stand still. air didn't move. something magical happened.

I love...

no, it didn't matter.

words will only spoil everything.

she slowly kiss my eyebrow, first the left, then the right.she land her forehead on mine and whispered something. I can barely hear it. I didn't want to ask for her to repeat it.

no, it didn't matter.

repeating will only spoil everything.

I got to go baby.


I just have to go.

Take me with you.

No, I can't.

Take me. Please.

No baby. Its not fair. Thats not fair.

I ...

no, it didn't matter.

words will only spoil everything.

I felt helpless.

I can't do anything.

I just sat there and watch her leave.

She was not there when I woke up.

She was never there, even from the beginning.


Friday, March 23, 2007

as part of reminiscing

its been awhile
it had been raining these couple of nights.

I miss her
She hasn't been around to comfort me.

I drove to work
I carefully find some time to glance up
My eyes searched for her
But she's nowhere there.

Could it be possible that its all the cloud's doing
To take us apart from each other?

Could it be possible that its all her heart's desire
To actually forget about me?

Or ... was it me?

Who didn't work hard enough

To keep her by my side.

I miss my moon.

A woman in love wrote "you only have to learn how to recognize this important relationship and the world will definitely seem much brighter, the stars are reachable and that the moon is yours to keep."

I didn't keep my moon carefully.

Now I question whether it's actually mine to keep.



Monday, March 19, 2007

back from breakfast

it was a break, and it was quite fast. hehehe.

I like it fast and damaging (break).

anyways, yeah, the weekend was quite cool. considering the fact that I had no PARTY AT ALL despite not having parents around. but what I had was, driving and mengopi with a friend, mostly indulging in lots of caffein and nicotine (yes muid, those stuff which cause cavities as stated in your blog, and I haven't gone for scaling for a long time too).

these days, I'm quite addicted to conversations, mamak hangouts and drive around windows down .... the other night was the best, becos we found an empty parking lot, sat at the curb and was talking about how the brazilians got to speak portugese, and the Spaniards occupation of south America which led to the KHTI journey to South East Asia. and we got dragged to singing some songs from South Park the movie. hehehe, I should not state which song here. hahahaha. it was enlightening, the hangout session.

I didn't feel left out with not partying. One of the reasons of course becos my friends are all bound to work during the weekends. But, somehow, I'd prefer the parking lot session. Watching the stars. Goofing up on movie soundtracks. You don't need a lot of friends, one or two, those who would get your joke.

Last Friday, I met an old friend whom I haven't meet for a year or two. It was great seeing her becos she's so cute and lovable. But, the conversation went around her failed 8 yr relationship which actually ended 2 years ago. She's clinging to her past and as a friend, as much as I don't want her to cling on to it, but I have to accept what she chooses. I can advise not to, but if she felt comfortable like that, she's a big girl, she's entitled to her own decisions. She's living a single life right now, but I know its hard for those who are in long-term relationship to adjust to singlehood.

Being single for my entire life (having said that, I must admit there are scandals, flings and yes, falling in love which is not reciprocated), I don't know, one day, if I ever found a guy, would he be doing all these with me. I'm pretty much contented with what I have right now. It'll be hard to change someone to suit my preferences, or change myself to suit someone's preferences.


owh, I got a poem. heh. I wrote it while I was waiting for my car at the carwash (tiba2 ada soundtrack christina aguilera's carwash).

must I add that I wrote it down in my new HPiPaq given by Muid (second hand la kan) as my belated birthday gift? hehehehehehe ...... let us pray iPhone datang malaysia awal so Muid can buy it and be the techie idol of everyone.

Thanks Muid!!! Sayang Kamu Bangat!!!!!!!!!

So, if you see this scruffy short hair girl in cute tiny tops and long pants/torn jeans (you wont catch me wearing a skirt okay!) busy tapping her stylus on her HPiPaq while indulging her guilty (but necessity) pleasures, that might be me... probably within the vicinity of Pusat Bandar Damansara, the Curve or One Utama la kot. Hahaha.

owh yes, yes, the poem. a simple one. sementelaah melihat kereta ku dicuci sambil ku sedut air coke yang nyaman.

There are voices in my head.
There are words in my throat.
There are feelings in my heart.
And all of them aren't mine.

I'm not alone.
There are a lot of people who have these as well...

But to whom does all these belongs to?
Where does all these comes from?

(sila la jawab dengan pantun 2 kerat okeh!)

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Tuesday, March 06, 2007

she with the golden smile

its nice to remember someone's smile.
even though you never seen it.

its nice to remember someone's laugh.
even though you never heard it.

its nice to remember someone's hug.
even though you never felt it.

its nice to remember someone's kiss.
even though you never taste it.

it felt nice.
because your mind imagine the nice things.
like fairy tales.
where love lives happily ever after.

life in reality
is hard.
is cruel.
is sad.

so its nice to remember.
while you sit at the bank of the moonriver.
while you fly to the moon.
while you sing in the rain.

remember me.
even if you have never met me.


Tuesday, February 27, 2007

those moments

She's alone with me tonight.
No stars to distract the attention.
Just my staring at her beauty.
She seems shy about it.
Not about her beauty.
But about my staring.
Though she was at ease.
Shy but comfortable.
It was just me and her and nothing else between us.
Shy of the attention,
but comfortable of the presence.
I looked down to take a breath,
then looked up again at her.
A slight tear ran down from the corner of my eye.
I saw the clouds opening the sky around her.
For me.
And for her.
Tonight, we are lovers.
Shy of the attraction,
comfortable with the affection.
I know she will go.
She know I will wait.
My heart beats faster each time I look up.
In hope to fly to the moon.
She shines brither each time she came by.
In hope that I swim in her river.
This is the story of true love.
It might not be a true story of love.
But what is true in love.
Is it when guilt is the one thing you constantly feel,
And blame is a deadly sin?
I'm in love and my fate is to wait alone.
She's in love and she's destined to be among the stars.

I love you.



Wednesday, February 21, 2007

tell the moon something

tell the moon I'm happy
because I can smile
like the bird falling
given the wings they fly
given the heart I smile

tell the moon I'm sad
because I can cry
like the rivers flowing
given the water they flow
given the tears I cry

tell the moon I'm in love
because I can love
like the moon enchanting gaze
given the power of the moonlight
given the heart I love

tell the moon something
because she listens
that I'm in love and I love her
that I'm sad and I cry for her
that I'm happy and I smile for her

tell the moon something
because she listens to anything



Monday, January 08, 2007

the defeatist

my jokes aren't as funny as hers.

my opinions aren't as interesting as hers.

my problems aren't as alarming as hers.

my stories aren't as amusing as hers.

my sarcasm aren't as cute as hers.

my presence aren't as needed as hers.

my eyes aren't as piercing as hers.

my gazes aren't as exciting as hers.

my embraces aren't as warm as hers.

my kisses aren't as desired as hers.

my touches aren't as caressing as hers.

she's a star.

I'm just a sun-seeker.

you don't need me.

not anymore...